Gift-Giving Tips

It is the time of year where giving is better than receiving and some such shit.

But what do you do if you’re stuck buying a gift for the person a) who has everything or b) you know very little about or c) I’m bored right now.

Here are some fantastic suggestions:

For the wine connoisseur and/or alcoholic:

giantwineglass

Comes with $25 off coupon for Promises Rehab center.

For the water enthusiast and/or strangler

waterproofstranglegloves

Waterproof stangler gloves.

For the sportsfan and/or person for whom life has no meaning:

nflpotatosack

For the time stickler and/or person you hate quite a bit, but are passive/aggressive about it

buttclock

Only $2 at Walmart.

For the art collector and/or the person who posts inspirational posts constantly on Facebook

faithfootball

Other possible “f” woods: failure, forlorn, feeble-minded, fuck, fucknut, fart, fartnozzle, etc.

For the outsdoorsy sort and/or person who has trouble deciding on whether the knife or gun is the best murder weapon

gunknifesets

And for the person who poops:

deertoiletpaperholderMerry Consumerism to all and to all a good buy!

*Thanks to the LTD Commodities website for providing all these fantastic gift ideas.

Speaker7 is nearly done with this daily posting nonsense and will soon find peace with her reindeer toilet paper holder. 

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33 comments

  1. All fabulous gift ideas. I searched high and low for the perfect xmas gift for my husband. I finally found it in a plastic Family Guy toy. It’s Peter pulling down his pants and pooping candy. Really, you can’t get better than that. (Well, maybe a “giant fart in your face” alarm clock)

    I am very sad your posting extravaganza is almost over.

      1. Oh god! Wouldn’t that be great? To just throw up one word posts? Today mine could be: SHITBALLS! Tomorrow: NUMBNUTS! (my own mom just used numbnuts to describe our neighbor whose xmas lights are so bright they kept her up last night)

  2. Or you could just give a goat. It’s what I do every year. Or if goats aren’t your thing, you could give chicks or sheep or half of a cow though I’m not sure you can designate which half (disappointing, I know). Heifer International does great work around the world.

  3. Loved your post. I’ve only ever seen the guy pooping candy.
    My answer for the person who has everything…… an empty box to put it in. Did that to a friend who’d bought every possible gadget for card making. It was a 2-fer offer so I got one for me too. Hers wasn’t big enough and she complained. End of friendship!!

  4. The thing is, some people stood in line in the cold for hours to buy that farting clock. I just don’t know where my priorities are that I won’t do that for my family.

    1. Oh wait… it DOES make farty noises? *checks and finds it on Amazon* So the alarm is Reveille in fart noises. Oh dear, I think my daughter WOULD love this, but, the grandparents would probably be horrified about Mr. Moonie there.

  5. During this holiday season when we spend oodles of cash on farting alarm clocks, I have decided to give the gift of admiration…you see, when I started blogging over a year ago, I started following your blog, and I was all like Speaker is the shit, I want to be the shit too!! Fuck yeah.

  6. During this holiday season when we spend oodles of cash on farting alarm clocks, I have decided to give the gift of admiration…you see, when I started blogging over a year ago, I started following your blog, and I was all like Speaker is the shit, I want to be the shit too!! Fuck yeah.

  7. Today in a column in my daily newspaper they had some of those gifts as well – like a Toaster that burns prayers on your toast. Or a cup with the handle inside – for visitors from a german region that is thought to be inhabitated by “numbnuts”.

  8. That sippy cup is so charming. I will drink a LOT from it while wearing that pathetic snuggie and staring at that fabulous frame (after I repaint it with Fuckballs, Failure and Fart). Then I’ll probably have to go use the moose paper. Wow, these gifts really are useful!

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