I’m Thankful For Shopping Orgy

Is anyone else annoyed that Thansgiving falls smack dab in the middle of Hallowed Black Friday Weeklong Extravaganza Shopping Orgy?

Just like this guy,

blackfridayorgy

From USA Today – this guy set up his tent on 11/19.

I was getting ready to set up my tent outside Walmart this Saturday when my mom calls with: “Thanksgiving will be at 4 p.m. at Aunt Janet’s house. Can you bring a pecan pie?”

I replied as respectfully as I could:  “Jesus christ, mom. Are we still fucking doing this shit? Thanksgiving? More like Nothanksgiving.”

There is no way I’m leaving my tent and losing out on a $2 Personalized Snowmen Stick Family Doormat, which clearly shows my love of family togetherness.

doormat

I thought we had agreed as a society to retire this lame “thankfulness” nonsense and celebrate what the holidays are truly about–my ability to buy a LEGO® Legend of Chima set at half the price. And if I have to destroy every man, woman and child in the process, so be it.

These people get it:

blackfrihappinessThe stores are doing what they can by opening earlier and earlier and offering too-good-too-pass-up-even-though-my-grandparents-may-not-be-around-much-longer-and-this-is-the-only-time-I-ever-see-my-sister deals. Like this:

Hepatitis optional.

Hepatitis optional.

So let’s do our part, gentle reader. Let’s kick the stuffing out of Thanksgiving for good.

Speaker7 will be writing the rest of the posts during NaBloWriMo from her tent outside of Walmart. 

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35 comments

  1. That’s funny. I’m actually getting that doormat tattooed on my thigh as a Christmas present for Babs. I was going to put it on my back until I realized I could do it myself!

  2. I hate shopping on regular days of the year, so I will never get Black Friday shopping. I wouldn’t go even if they were giving it all away. Well, unless they’re handing out One Direction toothbrushes…

  3. Hey — great news! Didya see that KMart is opening at 6 am on Thanksgiving morning — and not closing for 41 straight hours! What a great, family-focused corporation we can be thankful for ….

  4. Black Friday shippers are the underpants skid marks of society. The only thing that would make it more barbaric would be if they moved it to the first week if the month so more welfare recipients could spend all their money on electronics instead of food. I hate everyone who participates. Unrelated, if I don’t get that iPad mini on special at Walmart thanksgiving night, heads will roll!

  5. What I loved was when that guy was trampled by Wal-Mart shoppers and then the other shoppers were ANNOYED when told they had to get out so they could remove the body? Oh the joy of the holidays! Who the heck needs Thanksgiving, even if it’s one of the only holidays in the year most people get off? Screw that. Get to work you overpaid retail workers / bouncers!

    1. Yes that was a lovely example of empathy and compassion right there. “Oh my god, I can’t get a $30 mini ipad because that fucking dead body is in the way! I’m so pissed!”

  6. When I was flipping channels and saw on the news that people were already waiting for Black Friday, I had a momentary sense of “wait- what fucking week is this?” I honestly thought that I had somehow missed an entire week of my life or that I had the Thanksgiving date wrong.

  7. I just might go to sleep in the car in the Walmart parking lot, so that I could buy a tent at 50% off, and then set up the tent for next Black Friday. Is there any other reason to own a tent?

  8. No doubt that the attention whore camped out in front of Best Buy is hellbent to be the first in line to fulfill all his electronics dreams including getting his wife a turbo charged vibrator as she screws his Best Friend in his absence. Why people need to holiday shop in the middle of the night on Thanksgiving makes no sense to me when you can get the same crap at a discount with just a few mouse clicks in the comfort of home. What empty lives.

  9. I’ve done Black Friday before. And I kind of liked it, mostly because it was more of a cultural experience than a shopping trip. People were actually really nice to one another. I may live in a parallel universe, though. I can’t be quite sure.

    I have no interest in going out on Thursday, though. I’m not even a big Thanksgiving person, but sales on Thursday feel very wrong.

  10. This entire phenomenon completely baffles me. Why aren’t these people spending Friday in bed suffering from a stuffing hangover? I can’t be the only person that happens, too. It’s totally a normal thing, right? Right?

  11. As a Canadian, I have less history with Black Friday, but it has become something of an adopted phenomenon up here. Since I found out that Black Friday was even a thing, I have been revolted by the crass consumerism it represented. Then last year, I took advantage of a Black Friday sale to purchase an enameled cast iron pot, because I am a cooking nerd who is perpetually impoverished. I loathed every second I was stuck in the store getting the thing, as well as every moment involved with getting into and subsequently escaping the cocking parking lot. But I use that damn thing all the time.
    I regret nothing.

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