How To Write a Daily Post

So you’ve done something moronic, like made some blood oath about writing a daily post. At this point you’re likely thinking:

What the fucking shitballs did I just sign up for??!??

Easy, friend. We can get through this, if we follow these steps:

1. Quantity not quality is key. You’re not sculpting the Mona Lisa, which means you have little to no time to actually research anything or write with authority. Studies show that writing the word “boobs” a zillion times will attract a frat house. How do I know that? I just fucking made it up because I’m a moron who made some blood oath to write every day.

2. Revisit a post from the past. Unless you’re a writing god who was blessed with being Freshly Pressed on your first try, no one except your mom and maybe that dude you have locked in your prison dungeon read your first post. Nothing wrong with retreading on old ground. Nothing wrong with featuring this gem again:

wordpressstarterpost

3. Publish a single post as a trilogy. Have your read Fifty Shades of Grey? That trilogy has one plot point–two imbeciles boinking and murmuring at each other–and E.L. James stretched that shit out for 1,500,000 pages. There’s no reason you can’t do the same: For example:

part 1

part 2

part3

4. Post pretty pictures and make up some platitude to go with it. This is what comprises 95 percent of my Facebook newsfeed.

inspiration5. Be resigned to letting everything else in your life go into the toilet. Jobs and family are overrated compared to the glory and fame one can receive as an unpaid blogger. They will all still be there in December (maybe).

6. Use filler. Let’s be honest–no one’s really reading this whole thing, right? So why can’t you just stick in some gobbily-gook that they use in brochure templates to pad it out? Dolor aliquam mauris mauris lobortis dolorem convallis mauris. Euismod urna elit adipiscing pharetra nullam elit.

Speaker7 is part of the Nano Pablona Team, the team that will be taking over the world. . . She’s just been informed that the team is only supporting each other’s efforts in writing a daily post this month. Dolor aliquam mauris mauris lobortis dolorem convallis mauris. 

About these ads

56 comments

    1. This is why I used the qualifier “sometimes.” If I had more room I would have added: “And sometimes, you can end up down the river with a stick up your ass.”

  1. Love your platitude. Deep Thoughts with Speaker. I think you should get a job at Hallmark pronto.

    And yeah, why is it every fucking aisle I go down at the supermarket is filled with dildos blocking my damn food?? God!

  2. Yeah, when I’ve gone on my post a day kicks, I’ve forewarned people that there will be filler. To my credit, I offer them a complete refund if they’re not happy about it.

  3. If I believed in reblogs (I find them to be a little tacky — though I may be the only one) I’d totally reblog this. I almost peed my pants you had me laughing so hard. Thank you for your humor. Totally made my day.

  4. It helps to have a lot of stuff thrown at you, too.

    Last year, I did the thirty days of blogging as well, and what gave me a lot of material for the first week was Hurricane Sandy. Lots of good writing prompts came out of watching cranes getting unmoored from their trestles and singers and politicians looking for something to let go or hold on to.

    I also got helped with a Presidential election, which gave us the Karl Rove meltodown; that’s still not old. If I were doing this stand this year, there’s no way in hell I can spin the De Blasio-Lhota fight for mayor into something interesting for any folks west of Paramus…

    I had a few other tricks I could call up; throw in some pictures, turn a side project into a series of previews for another piece, all sorts of stuff semi-prepared ahead of time. But in truth, had there not been as active a month as that one was, I could have run dry early.

    My hope is that you and Jen get as much thrown at you as I did- Okay, maybe not the 14-foot storm surge, but youknowwhatImean…

    And hey, if it gets desperate, just remember: Thanksgiving shares the first night of Hanuka this year, so if you have any deep-fried turkey stories, this the month to use them…

    1. I’m realizing that I couldn’t have picked a worst month to do this. My husband’s running for office. I’m going away to a conference without a laptop for two days. I’m easily distracted….deep-fried turkey sounds so good right now. What were we just talking about?

  5. Your epic ‘Grocery Story’-Trilogy was definitely the trilogiest of all trilogies. Don’t usually like sequels, but in your case your sequel featured dildos. Nothing beats that. Good luck on your daily post challenge!

  6. #2 was my strategy for last year, and #4 is my strategy for this year. I’m tossing around a few ideas:

    “Every time you masturbate, Buddy Jesus enjoys it.”

    “When you start to feel badly about yourself, remember that Lindsay Lohan exists.”

    “When one door closes you better make sure you have a key to get back in.”

  7. Great post, S7! Made me laugh! :-D
    Adding to the #4 collection:
    “Never fart into a bottle.”
    “Remember that in all the universe, there is only one of that guy who never asked you out in high school.”
    “If you nail bottle caps to your floor, it’ll feel like you’re walking on bottle caps all the time.”
    “If you only had a grasshopper and a board, could you still make a decent martini?”

  8. I liked the grocery store trilogy. I appreciate stories that tell me when they end, ha! :) But seriously, I think you could make millions with your #4 plan. Someone makes millions off of those things, right? Or else… why would there be millions of them in existence?

    You’re rocking this 30 days thing!

  9. I’d let you borrow Squirrel but I’m somewhat concerned about what Hugo might do to him. Great post ideas. I think I will shamelessly rip you off or in blogger speak “be inspired by your fabulous ideas.” It worked for James.

  10. Let’s agree – swimming after a burrito, really depends on where the burrito came from! I mean, if it’s a Taco Bell burrito, you won’t be swimming anywhere – but your poop will probably be breast-stroking in the sewers…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s