A Farewell to Penis

I’ve been having difficulty writing lately, and now I’ve finally figured out why:

I possess a vagina.

It gets in the way of everything. When I’m attempting to squeeze a big thought out of my tiny woman brain, my vagina interrupts the process with demands for chocolate. When I attempt to hold a pen using my weakly woman arms, my vagina shrieks about being too fat. When I try to write a post on Speaker7, my vagina threatens to set itself on fire.

It’s no wonder the ladies get paid less, amirte fellas. Up top.

David Gilmour gets it. He sees no value in teaching the drivel excreted by ladybits in his Big Dick Writers 101 seminar.

“Women be stupid,” Gilmour laments.

That’s a slight paraphrase. What he actually said was much worse:

“I say I don’t love women writers enough to teach them, if you want women writers go down the hall. What I teach is guys. Serious heterosexual guys. F. Scott Fitzgerald, Chekhov, Tolstoy. Real guy-guys. Henry Miller. Philip Roth,” Gilmour huffs whilst sticking his enormous plumbing into the biggest glory hole one has ever seen.

doucheI should probably amend the paraphrase to add women and gays be stupid, but Gilmour is likely the type of specimen to think the terms interchangable.

Gilmour is able to stop masturbating over his copy of Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer to give props to lady mouthpiece Virginia Woolf, stating “she made a mean bundt cake.” (slight paraphrasing)

O Captain! My Captain! …Shit! I’m trying to stand on a desk to salute this brilliant professor, but I’ve got my period and whole slew of laundry that needs a-washing.

By the way, what the blazing fuck is a woman writer anyway?

I’m answering my own question:

One who writes with her vagina.

This profile in misogyny made me harken back to my days of playing drums in a rock band that no one–apart from my parents and that guy at the bar–ever heard. I can’t tell you how many times I heard:

You’re one of the best female drummers.

I don’t know. . . is that a thing? Did male drummers have some sort of advantage by being able to use their penis to bang on the floor tom?

All great questions, but too taxing for my smaller, less interesting brain.

My vagina’s tired of writing anyways and is angrily demanding chocolate.

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44 comments

  1. Speaker7,
    Look at your vagina being all eloquent and shit, perhaps not shit, as it wouldn’t be good for your vaginal flora… Not to be the dick who suggests you visit other pastures, but have you read The Belle Jar’s post on David Gilmour yesterday? Holy shit (there I go again).
    Le Clown

    1. Le Clown,
      I read it. Are you sure it was written by one who possesses a vagina? Because it was interesting and that’s not possible with the womenfolk. My tiny brain hurts now.
      Speaker7

  2. Brilliant post. Whatever short term notoriety Gilmour was hoping to build on with his statement is going to get lost in the anger he generates.

    That, and the prospect of having rude things done to him by the *other* David Gilmour, the guitarist from Pink Floyd who’s going to get sick of being confused with this prig after a while, makes me glad I’m not going to be him in a short while…

  3. Oh my god, the rampant use of vagina has me absolutely giddy!! You’re an excellent writer Speaker! You make me laugh and I’m not an easy audience on the comedy front, so cram some bonbons into that hole of yours (whichever feels better I guess) and keep writing! Bravo woman!

    1. Donald,
      Didn’t you hear that women aren’t funny? That’s something really funny comedians like Adam Corolla say. I will take your advice on the bonbons however.
      Speaker7

  4. A vagina, unlike a penis, has a good place to hold the writing implement – but is not so good with using a keyboard. See, that’s the problem. Your plumbing makes you unable to write in the 21st century. Vagina writing is a thing of the past; Pre-QWERTY, if you will. Give it up and/or get a strap on for banging out the words on a computer.

    Please send me a bundt cake, stat – my vagina is really wanting one.

  5. What the fuck is a David Glmour, and why the fuck does he have a platform???

    When seeing a band live, and seeing a player worth going on about, I will make note if it is a woman and she’s good, just because it’s rare to hear exemplary musicians, and sadly, rarer when they are women, because of stereotyping and misogyny.
    2 of the best guitarists I’ve know personally were women. And that doesn’t affect their rank on my list at all.
    Misogyny sucks.

    And just so asshat Gilmour can find something to relate too, Boobies!

  6. I’ve been doing it all wrong. Here I was thinking it was my head holding me back from being able to write. I’ve been working on the wrong part! Why didn’t someone tell me I need to spend more time on my vagina? This explains a great deal.

  7. I’m wondering I’d I brighten up my lady parts with My New Pink Button–which restores the nasty gray to a youthful pink–would make me a better writer. My vagina says, “What the fuck is wrong with you, woman?”–so I’m guessing, no.

    Guap is my hero. If he wasn’t in love, I’d go to NYC, stalk him, grab him and hug him and kiss him.

      1. True on the math part–I blame it on being told all those years of marriage that >. < was six inches.

        Somewhere, in a small town in a desert city, a light rim shot is heard.

  8. -giggles- Oh… a manly man amongst men. I’ve always had a fascination for Neanderthals. It’s nice to know to know we still have a few exhibits floating around. ;)

  9. In that same interview, Gilmour, who is 63 (and turns 64 in December), refers to himself as a “middle age man”. Since when is 63 middle age? When this fool looks in the mirror, does 42-year-old Jon Hamm stare back, instead of a dotty, out of touch, saggy-faced academic who will best be remembered for uttering this twaddle than for anything he’s ever typed?

  10. Someone once tried to entice me to go to a Ingmar Bergman film by saying, “You’ll like it. They wear pretty clothes.” Good thing the costumes were nice, because my vagina didn’t understand the movie at all.

  11. We are so fortunate that the good people of Toronto give this gentleman a place to brandish his dick-sword to lay waste to vagina writers everywhere. Don’t want the womenfolk to get all uppity now.

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