Tips for a Successful Marriage

Today is my wedding anniversary.

Many people ask me, “Speaker7, why is your marriage so successful?”

My marriage has truly been a partnership as we have raised our two boys with great hope and optimism that they would one day become fine young men. Mr. Speaker7 has often said that God put him on this earth to be a wife and a mother. Our family, of which Mr. Speaker7 is the heart, is testimony that he has embraced that calling. Over the last 28 years, we have loved, cried, laughed, despaired and celebrated. I reveled in featuring my giant pumpkin head, grating Southern accent, and condescending shitball personality on Oprah while making loads of dough exploiting other people’s mental illness.

….Wait a second….Oopsies! I just plagiarized the majority of that last paragraph from Dr. Phil McGraw’s book Family First. My bad, everyone.

The truth is no one has ever asked me about my succesful marriage and Dr. Phil is a colossal fuckstick.

dr.doucheMy marriage is successful because I have no trouble admitting when I’m wrong.

The other day, I ate what I thought was a plain roasted edamame. Instead it turned out to be coated in wasabi, a substance slightly hotter than the surface of the sun.

It immediately felt like I flicked a bic lighter inside one of my nostrils. I dipped my tongue in cleaning fluid to dull the burning hemorrhoid sensation on my tongue.

I knew I had fucked up.

If you would like to know some other tips to a successful marriage, they are these:

  • drink plenty of cranberry juice
  • drink plenty of water
  • avoid consuming irritants like caffeine except for the six to eight cups one needs to wake up in the morning
  • wipe from front to back

Interestingly this will also keep you from getting a urinary tract infection.

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67 comments

  1. I think Family First might be an even more nauseating read than 50 Shades. It’s certainly a runner up, based on that paragraph alone (the unmodified one that is). If God put me on this earth to be a wife and mother, why didn’t he give me tons of dough so I could sit at home and have a a maid and nannies whilst I watch stupid talk shows all day?

  2. Speaker7 you and I are one and the same! Because today is MY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! Yup. 27 years of wiping front to back. Well at least for the last few years since I figured it out. (Really)

    Perhaps we can celebrate with a foursome peeing on Dr. Phil.

      1. anks, Darla. There’s been a lot of crap (he’s married to me after all), and a lot of sticks. Luckily there has also been a whole lot of carrots!

  3. Happy Anniversary! A cranberry mimosa toast to you and Mr. Speaker7. I think another key is also not being a fuckstick like Dr. Phil. Or, in case you are Dr. Phil, drugging your wife into submission.

  4. Happiest of days! Anniversary Day is better than Wedding Day because there is less stress and none of those lame family members you were forced to invite. On the other hand, the number of gifts you receive will be minuscule in comparison, BUT, you won’t have to write all of those thank you notes to the afore mentioned family members, so, yeah, it’s a better day.

  5. Speaker7,
    Happy wedding anniversary…
    “drink plenty of cranberry juice”…
    ^So kind of you to NOT want to give your hubby a UTI.
    Le Clown

  6. Not being married myself, I had never thought of the similarities between marriage and a urinary tract infection. But now you mention it, nurturing your relationship until it runs smoothly is basically the same as drinking water until your wee runs clear…
    GOD I’M WISE.

  7. A key to a successful marriage is not spending excessive time on a personal blog. This has to be one of the things that you have going for you.
    P.S., Yes, I have noticed the “I haven’t written in forever so I wrote this for you all” tag.

  8. Hahaha! As I was reading this, I thought “Hmmm…I haven’t had a UTI in a while.” Then I wondered, “why am I thinking about UTIs?” Then I fretted over how weird I was being. And then I got to the end or your post and it all made sense. I was supposed to be thinking about UTIs while reading an anniversary post. OF COURSE!

    Happy anniversary!

  9. Happy (Belated) Anniversary to you and Mr. Speaker7! I think the 28th year is, in fact, the Wasabi Anniversary, so you were on the right track even if unintentionally. Also, some observations:
    – Dr. Phil is Stupid Evil Incarnate.
    – UTIs are Burning Evil Incarnate.
    – Taint wiping. I just wanted to type that.

  10. Happy Anniversary! (I know I am a little late.) It does my heart good to know that your successful marriage has nothing to do with and “Shades of Grey” or Dr. Phil. I agree with you about Dr. Phil he is one of those. I met him a few years back and had to sit through one of his speaking engagements. He is really a an entertaining speaker and I could almost visibly see the audience falling under his spell. In the end though he is exactly what you called him.

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