The Cyrus-versy™

I am commenting on the Miley Cyrus controversy because I’m very concerned.

About my page views.

They’re low.

By now, you are aware that Miley Cyrus twerked and gene-simmonsed her way through a performance of her hit song “Mediocre Pop Song.”

If you’re not aware, it looked like this:

mileytongue

Like many, I was shocked. Shocked that the Video Music Awards was actually still a thing and that humans actually watched.

And then I saw that the performance became a news story and real-live journalists were talking about it. Even that Mika Brzezezzezzzzzzzzzzazzzzzzskii who famously tried to burn a story about Paris Hilton’s release from jail because she deemed it “trivial.”

mikatweetParent bloggers or Ploggers™ were up in arms over the performance and wondered if their children would view their Hannah Montana vibrating toothbrushes in a different way.  And zombies…well the zombies just said “BRAAIINNSSSS.”

Why has this performance gained so much traction? When you break it down, it really is the story of a young commodity trying to break out of her target market into a new synergized market share. A story as old as time.

And yet here I was doing this in Adobe Illustrator:

fartSee, it looks like Miley is on the receiving end of a fart in the face.

What did it all mean?

Later in the performance, Alan Thicke’s semen creation came out to ruin Marvin Gaye’s “Got to Get It Up” whilst Miley poked at his privates with a giant foam finger. If I didn’t know better, I would have pegged the performance a brilliant parody of what passes for “sexXy” in American society. In case you didn’t know, this is sexXy:

hamburgerhelperI don’t know how this any less foolish than Madonna kissing a female Gremlin birthed out of Lady Gaga’s robotic birth canal or Katy Perry dressed as a skunk spraying whipped cream from her anal cavity.

As an aside, please make both happen for next year’s VMAs.

But I think we’ve lost sight of the real issue and that is, both songs really sucked. I mean, what the fuck, America. Get better musical taste and this would not happen. So I blame you.

All of you. Even Donald Trump.

donald

About these ads

74 comments

  1. Hilarious take on the all important issue of the day, Speaky. Girl’s on the ‘Amanda Bynes’ fast track to PR disaster. Give her a few more months and she’ll be setting fire to her pet Pomeranian for shizzle, ma nizzle. Though just for the record, I fudding love Katy Perry and Roar is a great song so don’t be dissin’.

    1. This story definitely has legs. It’s going to be one of those historical events where people will ask “do you remember where you were when Miley finger-banged that foam finger?”

  2. When I was watching this (not the show of course – I didn’t even know it existed), but the HuffPost video. I had the same thought that I had when Michael Jackson died – “Didn’t that already happen?”

  3. Speaker,
    There is no such things about “low traffic”… There is only WordPress being broken,
    Make it your mantra, and sing over Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines. It will make the song infinitely better… Although, you have to admit, musically, it’s one catchy fucking melody.

    As for Miley Cyrus, I was more amused by the Will Smith family’s reaction… I have printed their photo with their mouths open, and I carry it in my wallet as my new reminder that I look better than most. Not that I am shallow, or anything.
    Le Clown

    1. Le Clown,
      Personally, I carry a picture of Miley thrusting a giant foam finger between her legs to make myself appear more attractive. Whatever works, you know.
      Speaker7

      1. Speaker7,
        I would do the same thing, except I myself walk with a giant foam finger between my crotch.
        Le Clown

    2. Not even freaking kidding Le Clown, but when I saw the Smith family photo, I instantly thought “I need this on a pillowcase.” Which would be weird if it weren’t coming from me.

    3. I am taking a screen shot of Le Clown admitting Blurred Lines is “one catchy fucking melody”

      It will make me feel like less of a douche for liking the song

  4. Best post on this topic I’ve read (and I’ve read about 1,000 in the last hour alone)

    The thing that no one pointed out, the main controversial issue here that was swept under the foam finger-masturbating-creepy-teddy-bear rug was that she was basically dry humping the son of Dr. Seaver from Growing Pains. How can I go on with my life now?

    1. Seriously, and who would have thought that Alan would be the better singer of the two. The only thing that was being hit successfully that night were Robin’s privates. Not the notes. Definitely not the notes.

  5. I feel like all women (except me), should be the best versions of themselves at all times. Miley lived up to that. Well done, Miss Cyrus! I tongue-waggle with you in solidarity.

  6. Wait, didn’t she pose nude a few years ago and didn’t she already get a similar reaction then? (Not going to research that myself now since I am at work). Compared to posing nude, shouldn’t dancing in her underwear be considered a step towards modesty?

  7. First off I think Miley and Robin getting together to bang, I mean to sing was a PR’s wet dream. They maybe talking trash about both, but they are talking! I don’t understand why myself as both of them can’t sing worth a flip. That’s just how I see it anyway. I just shake my head at so much talk going on about nothing. At least your’s was funny and fun! I love the Donald in the last pic. haha! :-)

  8. Where was twerking when I was young and pollinating as many flowers as I could get my hands on? Same place as “Friends with Benefits.” It didn’t exist. Figures. What are the odds I can get my wife to twerk? Pretty low. She has a loooong tongue. Miley. Not my wife. Did you happen to see a photo of the Will Smith clan’s collective reaction to Miley’s performance. It’s so funny!

    [As an aside, have you seen the news story about the New York Attorney General suing Trump over his Trump University? Yes, there's a Trump University. You're not going to believe this, but apparently Trump was scamming people. I can't decide what's more entertaining, the indictment or Trump's bellicose reaction. Best part of the scam: students were told they'd get a photo standing next to Trump but what they got was a photo standing next to a cardboard cutout of Trump. Yes!]

    1. Holy hairweave! How did I not know about this. I have 500 RSS feeds set specifically to “trump news.” In actuality I don’t know what an RSS feed is. Off to google immediately. Do you think I can still get a picture with the cardboard cutout?

  9. Tell me that our whole civilization is not totally warped. Who gives a crap what Miley does. Please keep the talentless paparazzi lovers home and away from the TEeVee.

    1. Elyse,
      How can I put this without destroying your sense of wonder and idealism….hmmm….so here’s the thing, we’re totally fucked. That’s about it.
      Speaker7

  10. What shocks me is that the whole thing wasn’t just a parody you manufactured for some first rate blog fodder. Groping giant foam fingers and teddy bear teddies? Miley7, I’m sorry but that’s Speaker7’s territory you’re treading on.

    1. I never understood how the VMA turned into a bat mitzvah of sorts for child stars…their moment of “I am woman now. And I will do something horribly degrading.” It’s quite depressing.

  11. I have not had the pleasure of viewing this wholesome bit of entertainment from the former Disney star. I cannot wait. It will be disappointing without Trump or Hamburger Helper. I think those additions really make the video right there. After those slutty pics with her father, I really wondered where Miley would go next. Down, it appears.

  12. If most people talking about this is honest, I don’t think it’s the morals that they object to. People love sex. They love sexy women, sexy dancing, lots of flesh on display. Especially at the VMAs. That’s the stuff music videos are made of! I think that most people are objecting because the whole thing was the opposite of sexy. It was awkward car crash TV. She had no rhythm, no sex appeal and I have no idea what that Jean Simmonds thing with her tongue was about.

    BUT, this has worked. I previous;y had no idea who Miley Cyrus is and now, I kind of love her. Most people at some point have surely tried to do some ‘sexy dancing’ that fell a bit flat. Usually in a darkened club after a few too many sherbets. But how many of us have failed that spectacularly in front of such a huge audience? She’s awkward, she’s a mess and she’s trying much to hard to be sexy. The results are cringeworthy, but strangely endearing.

      1. Agreed. She has a new fan in me and I will be waiting. Haha, I just realized how many errors I made in that post! I can’t type on my phone.

  13. I agree. She’s breaking out to find herself and I don’t see why it’s such a big fucking deal. People need to find something else to do with their time.

    1. Wait a second….are you saying our priorities are out of whack?!? Miley’s performance has affected my life in the following ways….um……I will think of one way soon.

  14. On the upside, Britney Spears can now show her face again in public, because after Miley, no one is going to remember her last VMA performance….

  15. I’m really not kidding when I say I had to read your proposals for Madonna and Katy Perry twice, because at first I thought it sounded like exactly what [I'd heard] happened during their actual performances.

  16. When I saw that you posted about the “Cyrus-versy”, I said “YESSSSSSSSSS!”

    I tried to watch the VMA awards, but I gave up after Justin Timberlake just wouldn’t stop singing. He sang for sooooo long. Even after he said STOP! and I thought it was over…. it kept going. And then he sang more. And more and more and more, and I was like, “Do we have any more beers?” and we didn’t, so I turned on Adventure Time.

  17. At first I wasn’t sure if she was trying to catch flies with that tongue, but licking the butt of a frog makes just as much sense. I can’t believe nobody has had the good sense to tell her, “Um, Miley, that tongue thing you do? Not sexy. Just ugly.” But then again, she’s just not sexy in general, as much and as badly as she tries. And grinding against Alan Thicke’s spawn’s junk? Even less sexy.

  18. All excellent points. Cyrus needs to stop it. Now. And so does America for encouraging such things. England’s not blameless in these things, I’ll admit – we gave the world Cliff Richard, for God’s sake – but America: stop it NOW.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s