Ready for Zzzzzzzzzzz

Nothing happened on the second episode of Ready for Love.

I mean, I guess some things happened, but in the end it added up to a bunch of nothing. I was most intrigued by audience members holding up signs:

signs

If you are unfamiliar with this new reality television show, it’s basically The Bachelor, but with three dudes of meat. There are also three matchmakers who remind me of The Fates. They choose women from binders and place them in plastic doll cases for the meat dudes’ appraisal. Like so:

dolls

Two meat dudes get to flail their meat appendages around tonight. Both dudes are completely comfortable being shirtless in their biographical videos; Ben morso than Ernesto.

benspecs

Ben bores with his “fascinating” origin story. “My parents were doctors. I’m a frat boy. I worked on Wall Street. I’m comfortable being filmed continually sans shirt.” But if I continue being nonfascinated by Ben, I will miss out on the pfftt that is Ernesto’s journey.

Two of “his” women are former Miss USA contestants. This knowledge thrills the remaining contestants:

beauty-queensSurprisingly, some of the contestants are emotinally unhinged. One waxes fart about her spirituality, and spends the majority of the episode trying to kill one of the beauty queens:

bitchAnother expresses astonishment that she has to compete for Ernesto. . . on a reality dating show. She sulks during the extremely relevant hot tub time:

hottub

In her one-on-one time, she rambles on about the other women not picking up their pubic hair and dishes. During the matchmaker meeting, she is placed in the bottom three to go home. The dude matchmaker, who has an affinity for vests, says lady is boresville.

harrypotterErnesto dumps her, and acts as if the woman he saved from elimination should be thankful for the honor.

ericaBen has a former ex vying for his frat love. One of the contestants is a virgin who proffers her impending broken hymen as a gift to Ben. Another makes a “save-the-date” card for their wedding and is immediately banished to the bowels of hell. And yet another dresses up as a superhero unfortunately named “Miss Devotion.” Her power is infinite sadness.

Ben overuses “you guys” to refer to his potential wives. He confabs with a woman who has kids, and makes me uncomfortable with his “momma” talk.

stinkyHis ex thinks “it sucks” that she has to compete with other women. . . on a reality dating show. Ben feels her, dawg.

benwithshirtHe kisses a few dames; notably Miss Devotion and then sends her back to the planet Demotion. It is thrilling.

This show also has two cohosts. The married couple that is better known as Giuliana Rancic. Her husband serves no purpose.

impointless

I guess there’s that.

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32 comments

  1. Crap… I was so bored I actually watched the show (on demand) 5 minutes before reading this. I’m so ashamed.
    Maybe Giuliana was afraid to leave her husband home alone so she only agreed to do the show if he could stand next to her and just, you know, breathe and be human.

  2. Since this steaming pile of hollow is getting yanked, have you considered writing a proposal for a show called “Ready for Zzzzzzzzzzz”? Maybe one of the Big Three S mattress manufacturers — Simmons, Sealy or Serta — would serve as a sponsor?

  3. They cancelled an awful show? That’s just so weird. I mean, the Bachelor has been on, what, 14,000 seasons? Speaking of that, I saw Bland with his ONE TWU LUV on the cover of People, so they must be for realz. I think it was Bland. It might have been a piece of dry toast.

    1. It was likely toast or a frozen turd on a shoe. I am just as surprised as you are. How will I go on if I don’t know if those three meatheads are truly ready for love?

  4. I’m sadly bereft of the ability to watch this show (legally) but have loved hearing it second hand! I’m happy to pretend the show is still going if you keep recapping it – it’ll be a fun game – guess where it got cancelled because it now sounds ridiculous… Oh wait.

  5. Giuliana’s husband is there to field offers from contestants who want to run “vote for me” ads on the billboard space that is her forehead. (meow!)

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