Ready for Same-Old Same-Old

Ready for Love premiered Tuesday night.

This show is unlike any other reality dating show you’ll ever see, lies executive producer Eva Longoria.

Lots of dramatic music and lighting. Lots of quick cuts and editing that makes Cloverfield feel like Alfred Hitchcock’s Rope. Random reality-show dialogue ensues.

“It’s about to get real.”

“She’s messing with the wrong person.”

“Herpes! Herpes! Herpes!”

There are three “amazing” bachelors. There are three “top” matchmakers. There are two co-hosts. There are 36 women…excuse me…girls. There is the incessant use of the term girls to describe women. There are 12 drummers drumming. There are eight pipers piping. And chlamydia in a pear tree.

Co-host Giuliana Rancic and her husband Not-Giuliana Rancic say this was an “epic” search, and “we’re meeting the best of the best” of women willing to subject themselves to reality television. Not-Giuliana Rancic is the first to misuse the word “literally.” And it is “epic” and like “nothing I’ve ever seen before” except that I have.

Tonight is Tim’s quest for love. Tim is a “rock star” in the band the Plain White T’s.

In the first of 5,678 mini-biographies, Tim confesses that he’s not a stereotypical rock star in the sense that he’s unrecognizable. Tim married his high school sweetheart, but things didn’t work out because he was touring 367 out of the 365 days in the year. He’s sad, yo. See:

timdevasttate

Tim gets to meet four women chosen for him by “top” matchmaker Amber. Giuliana explains that Tim will have to stand behind a wall and not see the four. He will have to pick three based on their personalities. I have never seen this before ever.

Wait…have I seen this before?

thedatinggame

Nope. Never.

Amber is coaching her “girls.”

“Words and lyrics speak to him,” she amazes “Get your message across.”

Wow. I’ve been doing it wrong all these years with my set of semaphore flags.

We get Amber’s mini-biography. She says she doesn’t know how anyone meets people in clubs. “Matchmaking goes with the 21st century.” And feudal China.

amber

And it begins. The four women pop up in boxes.

dollcollectionAnd it reminds me of something…what can it be?

dollcollectionYup, that’s about right.

This is working well for Tim because his Madame Alexander Doll collection is missing a few essentials.

We get mini-biographies of the women, but they’re short because most dolls are interchangable. The French one gets a shot to show her spontaneity by spinning awkwardly in a plaza.

spinningnormalTim narrows down the field and does the same thing with four women chosen by matchmaker Matt, also known as the douche with a British accent:

britishdouche

And Tracy, who unironically refers to herself as “the honest truth.”

thehonestassThe ladies must entice Tim while he only has to breathe with his lungs and eliminate waste with his kidneys. Love!

Some recite insipid poetry, sing and, unfortunately, beatbox. The nine winners get sealed in plastic and placed in a special Matchbox car collector’s case. The three losers are sucked into the bowels of hell.

reallynormalOne of Tim’s chosen harem is Leah, a woman he has known for six years. Leah realized she loved Tim when she heard he was to be on television. Giuliana asks about the nature of their relationship. “We had our moments that have been great,” Leah says coyly. (translation: fuck buddy)

The women are shipped UPS to Tim’s rock-star lair where they are subjected to a Plain White Zzzz’s concert.

forcedconcertAnd I have never seen anything like this on a reality dating show. Have I?

rockofloveNope. I haven’t.

The women meet with the matchmakers for “helpful” “advice” before their collective first date with Tim. Amber tells her women to “build (their) brand” whatever the fuck that means. The date entails finishing Tim’s trite love song. The matchmakers each pick one woman to share one-on-one time with Tim.

Hailey, Amber’s pick, tells an embarrassing fart story and cryingly cries that she’s happy.

Danielle, Matt’s pick, shares her cute list of 50 or more qualities her perspective mate must have.

Christina, Tracy’s pick, plays the piano and stares at him as if she wants to murder his face.

uncomfortable

Now we’re back in the studio for the matchmakers’ critique. Amber expresses her displeasure with Hailey. “You said F-A-R-T? And that word should never be uttered by a woman on a date,” she actually says all the while holding in her 52,560th fart. Matt accuses Leah of retreading the past too much and being boring. “He knows certain parts of me,” Leah says.

fuckbuddy

“I would like him to know other parts.”

Giuliana cuts to the chase: “Did you guys fuck or what?”

Leah refuses to answer. Yup, they did.

The matchmakers each choose a woman for elimination. Hmm…a woman being eliminated from a reality dating show. Have I seen that before?

bachelorNope.

Leah, farting Hailey and Toothy School Teacher are on the chopping block. Tim arrives. For some reason he has a quill sticking out of his lapel. It’s so…rock star? Sure, let’s go with that.

He picks Hailey to stay and she farts back to the Matchbox case. Tim, Leah and Toothy are Star-Trek beamed to some garden for the elimination ceremony, and the giant jumbotron screen goes to snow.

Tim shows his familiarity with reality television venacular by saying “This is so difficult for me.” He ends up sending Leah home with the obvious “if we were meant to be together, why didn’t we make that happen in Austin.”

Hmm. A bachelor with a little brain function.

That I have not seen.

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66 comments

    1. Elyse,
      I was under the impression that Hugo was watching these shows, and writing these posts. Don’t shatter my reality, please.
      Le Clown

  1. I’m so glad you are willing to watch this drivel so I needn’t bother not that I would bother. Your recaps are far more entertaining than those bits of manufactured reality could ever be.

  2. Spinning around awkwardly? I am sooo good at that! I could be on this show and put in a box.

    By the way, did Bret Michaels ever find love? I wonder about this, it keeps me up at night.

  3. Wonderful, superlative…hmmmm..I had a great time reading this post…at first I said…geez, can this be serious? Then…it hit me, wonderment…ah the beauty of sarcasim in the right place! Thanks. ;-)

  4. I’m not sure where you get the stamina to endure these shows, but good on ya! I hope Hugo was taking notes to woe Eva Longoria to realize her wisdom is not wise.
    Love the boxes — hopefully they seal in/out the farts?

  5. Talk about drama! Wow! These are some forward thinking creative types.

    Hollywood is lazy for rehashing tired old crap again and again in movies and TV. The general public is just as guilty of sloth for accepting this drivel. Thank goodness for those who take the time to write blogs and express themselves (until Fox calls and offers us writing jobs).

    1. I really want to write Randy Jackson’s bits on American Idol. I would have him say such amazing things like “Little pitchy, dawg” and “Dawg, little pitchy.”

  6. Once again I have you to thank for that bonus hour available on my DVR to record Real Housewives instead of this tripe. You have performed a valuable service to humanity.

  7. Somehow, those boxes look more like glass closets. Maybe these women will step out of their closets, to reveal their true intelligence, or whatever they feel the need to reveal in order to stay on for one more show.

  8. Ahhhhh – love love love! My favorites: “And chlamydia in a pear tree” and “The three losers are sucked into the bowels of hell.” Can’t hit follow fast enough.

  9. Oh, the originality with programming these days! It’s like how TLC has that “My Strange Addiction” show where people eat deodorant and toilet paper and dryer sheets cause, like, who hasn’t been tempted, right? But then they came up with a totally new original show called “My Secret Obsession” about people who collect bizarre things like pigs and Barbies. They don’t eat them though (I don’t think – I’ve only watched one episode so far). But this dating show is so original because they put the ladies in actual boxes, which I’d been thinking they should have been doing all this time on the Bachelor. They stay fresher longer that way.

  10. This is my latest guilty pleasure. Seriously, that band guy made me vomit in my mouth a little bit. Also, can someone please tell me what is up with Julianna Ranic’s face? Her facial gestures made her look like she had uncontrollable facial spasms.

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