Gallbladder Secession From the Union

I’m losing another vestigial structure today.

gallbladder

Little known fact in the history of Speaker7, but a week before my tonsillectomy I had a HIDA scan. I was crammed into a tube, filled with helium and then twisted into a horse balloon for a child’s birthday party. The scan showed not only a propensity for breakdancing, but a nonfunctioning gallbladder.

For awhile, I had been experiencing what I’ve medically termed as “shitkickers”–meaning I felt the shit was being kicked out of me. I would sit up, and it was as if the skin under my ribcage was going to rip apart. I figured I’d either had hernia or was about to give birth to an alien baby à la John Hurt.

Nope. It was just my gallbladder yearning to be free. I began to grow suspicious of a romantic relationship between my tonsils and my gallbladder.

tonsilgoneI postponed the surgery because it’s really out of style to have a breathing tube inserted twice in a season (source: “Who Wore the Breathing Tube Better?” US Weekly).

But the shitkickery continued. I remember trying on shoes when the onset of an attack started, and hoped the shoppers would politely ignore me as I crouched and gasped on the floor for a few minutes. I explained I was a foot fetishist.

This past week, it became even more apparent that we could no longer live together and one of us had to move out. Every morsel of food became the equivalent of eating a Thanksgiving-style banquet of Big Macs encased in Doritos taco shells covered in KFC grease dribblings. My abdomen turned into its own flotation device, and I told my gallbladder to find new living quarters.

So yay! Another surgery. I can’t wait to see what will go next. I’m banking on the brain.

As to be expected, Hugo is thrilled.

hugopingpongOh–I’ll have a new post up at The Official How To Blog tomorrow about the Game of Thrones. I’m figuring I will be too hopped up on pain medication to promote it. 

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64 comments

  1. Clearly you’re not afraid to jettison all of your optional parts. I hope your appendix is listening.

    P.S.: If that picture is any indicator, you’ve got an adorable jejunum…just sayin’ !

    Best wishes on a speedy recovery.

  2. I had a gallbladder attack while I was teaching high school English. My students had to use my desk chair to wheel me over to the classroom phone where I called our nurse…WAIT. I’m writing a post about this. I’ve said too much.

    The drugs they give you are GREAT.

    Good luck.

  3. For too long, the gallbladder has been a drain on the resources of all other hard-working organs.
    Good riddance, I say!

    Hope it all goes as smoothly as possible, Speaker.

  4. Speaker7,
    I am sorry that you have to have surgery. But I am so pleased to see Hugo. Muah baby.
    Merbear
    P.S. I can have how to peel a banana on the How to blog anytime you desire.

    1. Hugo got his gallbladder out in solidarity. That’s just the kind of half-man puppet he is. I would definitely be interested in a banana peeling lesson. I whack mine with a hammer and that doesn’t seem to be working so well.

  5. Good luck, Speaker! The Gall Bladder Free-members only clubhouse is super fun and I can’t wait to see you there. Hugo and I might even let you win the first Ping Pong match.

  6. I felt for you with the tonsils but could not relate as my still reside where they started. In this case, though, I have been there and in emergency and at work etc. with the attacks. It was a wonderful day when I said goodbye to the offending part and yes the drugs were pretty good.
    Good luck to you.

  7. I had mine done three years ago. I had two attacks and that was plenty. No procrastination for me when pain is involved. For me it was easy: They wheeled me into the OR at 1:30 PM, and 3:30 they were waking me up in post-op. At 5;30 I was in the car coming home.
    Worst part was that my pants didn’t fit for two weeks – I recommend the early-stages-of-pregnancy rubber band trick: loop the rubber band through your waistband buttonhole and then around your button- an instant 2 inch gas allowance.

  8. Good luck with this, S7. All will go smoothly because I’m pretty sure you’re not going to be having it done by the original (and replaced) tonsil surgeon.

    Enjoy the drugs.

    1. Yes, this one went pretty smoothly. The surgeon actually spoke with me without the need for repeated phone calls. And when I asked what was going to happen, no one said “Oh, you’ll get our gallbladder out.”

  9. Surgery sucks, so I wish you the best.
    Btw, the comment your tonsils made to your gallbladder reminded me of the uber-nauseatingly-romantic movie Somewhere In Time when Jane Seymour is begging Superman to come back to her. My mind is simply not functioning properly this morning. I’m blaming it on my allergies.

      1. All day long I had her English accent screaming in my head, “Richard! Riiiiichard!”
        Apparently your surgery went okay seeing as you’re responding to comments. Very happy you’re fine. And your gallbladder has reunited with your tonsils. Just like the end of Somewhere in Time.

  10. Notquiteold is right. It’s pretty quick, and you will need maternity pants or at least your favourite baggy pants – I looked like I was about to give birth for about three days afterward, but you’ll feel a lot better, too! Take care! :)

  11. Gallbladder? Ha! You don’t know vestigial structure loss until you’ve coughed up a duodenum.

    You’re a lot more stoic than I. It took only 2 gallbladder attacks (aka “just kill me now” episodes) before I evicted mine. Hope your recovery is smoooooth.

  12. Make sure they don’t remove something important. like you knee caps, while they are in there. Prepare for a month of sweatpants. Take care and enjoy the drugs.

  13. I hope the surgery goes well, and for the sake of all of us who enjoy your blog so much, I hope your brain is NOT next!

  14. I cannot believe I just ‘liked’ this post. Well, I like that you will have relief soon! Yeah!! Wishing you a smoooooooth recovery. I’ve had five abdominal surgeries so far and they tell me the sixth one is free.

  15. I still have my gall bladder, but I gave up my uterus years ago. That space was no longer for rent. Buh-bye! It probably wouldn’t have made a good ping pong ball for Hugo – maybe a frisby.

    Why do I think Hugo has a closet of spare parts somewhere? We still haven’t seen Goofy lately … Good luck. Hope all goes well (as can with tubes down your throat).

  16. I hope it all went okay and you are recovering well. I’d have thought the tonsils would scare the gallbladder so badly it would simply shrivel up and keep quiet for the threat of meeting the same demise.
    Keep your brain — Hugo is no substitute.

  17. Been there and done tha…divorce is the only recourse, have lived a full and creative life ever since…who says you have to stay in a painful relationship, just because you’ve lived so many years together! Get well soon… ;-)

  18. DON’T YOU DIE ON US.

    A friend of mine had his gallbladder removed a few months back, and I was pretty sure I needed to say my goodbyes. The word “gallbladder” just sounds important, doesn’t it?

      1. Yes, Not sure he would want to convert the output into art, though it seems someone somewhere did create a work of art that essentially duplicated the human digestive system.

  19. Do you have any organs left? Are you a heap of flappy skin blowing in the wind? If so, the fact that you can write this hilarious blog posts is nothing short of a miracle and you should be donated to medical science.

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