The Dalai Lama of Douchery

I look fat.

Shit! I just turned off all the guys who were reading this. Did I learn nothing from Josh Aiello’s seminal article “3 Words He Never Wants To Hear You Say?”

Josh decided to share his infinite wisdom about lady diarrhea-mouth with Yahoo!Shine, a women’s site about all things ladies like lipstick, turkey basters and weak upper arms. Yahoo!Shine was created by mixing three parts Mountain Dew, two parts Massengill and five parts bottomless sadness.

According to Josh, a woman’s…oh excuse me…a girl’s lament about her bulk is the equivalent of a dude cutting off someone’s head times 10. Let him explain:

“To guys, these words are the Holy Grail of annoying things girls say, the abracada bra of instantaneous mood killers. . .”

That is some good analogying. It’s like the King Turd of nonsensical analogies.

I envision Josh looks like this:

douche

Now you may be thinking, how does Josh know these are the three worst words a woman can say? Wouldn’t  “I love Hitler” or “Equal pay now” or “I hate your writing” (I know that’s four, but my brain is fat) be worse?

Josh did some scientific analysis of this phenomenon by interviewing his wolf pack at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Adam, or A-dawg as I like to call him, says it’s like a downer because if she’s talking, she’s unable to continue the blowjob. “She’s either fishing for compliments, she doesn’t like herself, or she actually has gained weight. . .”

Total boner killer

I mean, jesus christ, girls, you with your body issues, which are in no way the fault of a culture and media that value women for their looks and boobies. You are almost distracting me from reading the latest Us Weekly on whose body is definitely not beach-ready.

Adam is this brah by the way:

adawg

And the guy is helpless because once you say it, all he can see is your fat mouth spitting out fat words in between crumbs of Entenmann’s. Let Josh set the scene:

 I once dated a really pretty girl who was convinced she was overweight. She told me she thought she was fat so often that when my parents came to visit, I didn’t introduce her to them. Why? Because I doubted whether what I saw when I looked at her was what other, more objective people saw.

Wow. Such a powerful story and what an amazing act of courage. It reminds me of the story of Harriet Tubman when she finally decided to make her escape from slavery. Harriet knew it was only a matter of time she would be sold away from her family and husband John. She tried to get John to go with her. “I won’t go with you Harriet,” he said bravely. “You look really fat right now.” Courage.

So what’s a lassie to do?

douchewisdomProgress.

Incidentally the three words I would never want to hear from Josh are these:

“I got published.”

 

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66 comments

    1. Maybe, but is it the worst thing? Worse than “I eat people” or “I kill indiscriminately” or “I like JohnMayer” or “I read Yahoo!Shine?”

      1. I was going to lament that women tend to ignore the sensitive, balding, older guys, preferring to value the attention of skinny young douches who have flavor-saver beards and brahs.

  1. JeeeSUS I just went to see what this YahooShine business was about and after just twenty seconds I feel insecure, want to change the non-existant man in my life into marriage material and am wondering why I would need to boy-proof my lair? Are they talking bout my room, or my snatch? I don’t want to know. That place is an evil corner of the interwebz.

  2. There are many times in life when i am glad to be old and married. Having to sling my fat through this chorus of assholes to find one with a brain would be far more work than reward.

  3. My ex gf forever whined, “I look fat.” I forever said, “You look beautiful.” We had lot of terrific sex. Oh, she ditched me for someone younger that makes better money, or actually makes decent money. (sigh)

  4. I was envisioning what these men would look like while I was reading and woman, you NAILED them! I mean, not nailed, NAILED them (you’re probably too smart and that intimidates boys), but that’s exactly what I think they look like, too ;)

  5. sjhfkfjghsdflkgjhsdfgkjshfdgkdjsfgdksjfg sorry that was my fat splodging all over the keys. God I’m embarrassed, because I really didn’t want to mention it. Shit, I’m never going to get married now.

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