The Boredom Continues: The Women Tell All

I missed the first 20 minutes. I was reading Brown Bear, Brown Bear to my son. It is infinitely more fascinating. Do you know that a red bird sees a fucking yellow duck!?!

Okay so I’m assuming the rejected Bachelor women are getting their chance to vent about  their total lack of judgment. I’m guessing because all I can see is an Olive Garden commercial and it looks very microwavey.

I forget that we began season XCVIIVCV of The Bachelor with 4,502 women. I recognize so few. Host Chris Harrison is attempting to stir the boring shit pot by bringing up the token villain of the show, Tire. Her real name is Tierra, but Tire is better. Brooke(?) gets real: “You’re upset because y’all didn’t also act like assholes and get more airtime,” she paraphrases before fading into further obscurity.

Chris Harrison polls the audience: What do you think about Tire?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, it responds.

Chris Harrison sticks his hand down his pants and then asks “What’s up with the villain?”

Commercial.

We’re back. Tire is getting coached on the opportune time to show her sparkley vagina. The producers are trying to make us feel the Oz curtain has been lifted and we can see reality, but it still tastes like canned crab.

Now it’s Tire’s time.

And it’s . . . carhorn

I can’t find a better way to describe it. All I know is I’m bored and indifferent.

“And if she didn’t want be your friend, then walk away girls. And you were mean so blah,” bores someone.

“I can’t remember everything,” Tire tires.

“Did you stink eye people,” Chris Harrison asks because he gets quite a bit of money for this stupidity.

“I don’t do stink eye and say ‘Oooh,'” Tire pfftttss.

More banality and the end of the world and middle school ended two decades ago everyone. Congratulations.

This goes on for eons. The Bronze Age becomes the Iron Age. Chlamydia becomes super gonorrhea.

Tire was little Miss Nevada. This is your future, Honey Boo Boo. I’m so fucking sorry.

Tire is engaged to a gremlin. Chris Harrison is aghast that Tire dated it before The Bachelor since The Bachelor is all about twrue lurve. And booooooooooooo.

There’s 58 minutes left. Fucking hell.

Now on to Sarah, of the one arm. She watches as Bland rejects her for too much brains and too little limbs.

“You thought he was the one,” Chris Harrison interjects with a straight face.

“My whole life I’ve been strung along by dickwads and then after the handjobs, they say things aren’t right. Lies like flies, you dig?” she paraphrases.

“How do you move on from this,” Chris Harrison tries to create tension.

Fuck a duck, Chris, she basically says.

Does Splash look like the stupidiest reality concept ever? And I say this after viewing the majority of The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.

Now up is Desiree, the future Bachelorette, and her Bland montage. I’m as bored as the first time.

My recap of this is. . .cream of wheat. Cream of wheat is really blah unless you add something, and there is nothing to add to The Bachelor flavor of Cream of Wheat.

There are 45 fucking minutes left. Is time standing still?

I’m not going to make it. I know Ashley is up next–Ashley of the death stare. And then Bland will be there to bland it up with his blandness. Can we just assume that it will be boring and pointless so I can go to sleep.

Let’s.

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29 comments

  1. I always said the animals in that book should learn it is impolite to stare.

    What was the rest of the post? I fell asleep.

  2. I like Brown Bear, mostly because on the page with the black sheep, I start singing “This or That” by the rap group Black Sheep. My daughter always looks at me funny when I do this.

  3. I got so bored reading some awful kid’s book to the girls that I started making up stuff as I read. It was originally some cutesy story about stuffed animals living together in a house, but by the end they were demon stuffed toys that had killed all the people and put them in the basement. Which was why you never saw any. Also, I would scream every time the character of “Clownie” would appear, because that thing was freaking creepy. The kids loved it. I’m kind of surprised they still let me be a parent.

    Oh, yeah, the Bachelor. Reading you watching this show reminds me of watching the Twilight movies and my constant pleas for it to ENDDDD, ENDDDDD!!!!

    1. I love the Little Critter books. Luckily my son digs some pretty good Dr. Seuss numbers like The Sneetches, but he’s been on a big Brown bear, Polar bear, Baby bear, Panda bear kick for what seems like two centuries.

      1. Another great one? “Easy Street.” Squish memorized it and “read” it to himself.

        I love how the comments have turned into book recommendations for toddlers. Maybe if The Bachelor did the same thing, people would care about it more?

  4. Obviously, your followers also find Brown Bear more interesting as well. Fuck. I don’t know how you sit through that shit S7. You’re a trooper. :-P

  5. I am pretty sure I would “fuck a duck” before watching this show, Speaker7. I’m there with Brown Bear, too. Bare asses of stupid folks, not so much.

  6. I found that reading books to my children was boring. The stories were predictable and the characters one dimensional (unless they popped up). Sadly, there were very few reality shows back then, so we sat and watched This Old House episodes for family togetherness. My youngest still thinks Norm Abrams is a distant uncle. There were scant amputees on that show, and even fewer STD’s. Kids today have it so many more options for viewing once Brown Bear becomes too tedious for them.

    1. I think Brown Bear should be updated to reflect the prevalance of STDs on the tee-vee. “Brown bear, brown bear. What do you see? Is see crabs on a red bird looking at me.”

      1. It was fun because my husband was live-tweeting it too so we were trying to see who could come up with the better zingers. I love my marriage.

    1. But Bland is the “most sincere Bachelor” in “Bachelor history” on the “most dramatic” Bachelor season, according to Chris Harrison. Could Chris Harrison be lying to us?!?

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