Bland’s Sister Wives

Bland of  The Bachelor is having bland struggles.

“I like these girls, but I live in a country that outlaws polygamy. I think I should take off my shirt.”

Serious ponderous swimming. Bland is shirtless.

He is transported to Thailand to get a firsthand glimpse of how prostitution rings are really run, and to “find my wife.”

First date is with Lindddsseeyyyy. Her voice is as pleasant as chewing on aluminum foil filled with pop rocks. Incidentally I believe that is what is in her head in place of a brain.

They go to a farmer’s market, and openly laugh at the “cuteness” of a thousand-year-old culture. They eat bugs. Linddsseeyyy looks like she’s about to barf.

The producers attempt to create tension by having Linddsseeyyy vocal fry over whether she should tell Bland she loves his giant red face. They head to dinner. Linddseeyyy describes the beauty: “There’s beautiful flowers made out of petals.”

Yup…that’s usually how it works.

Finally the moment arrives:

“I love you,” Linddsseeyyy brays

I love hearing you say that,” Bland smugly replies.

Ow.

I mean, I have absolutely no feelings left in my being, but that even hurt me a little.

They spend the night together.

Now onto his second conquest AshLee. AshLee is a “personal organizer.”

He wants to challenge her by having them swim through a cave to get to a private beach. Ominous music plays as AshLee says cave-swimming reminds her of being abandoned as a child. Mmm? What the fuck, now?

He wants “my wife” to let go of control, which is code for “always does what I say.” AshLee’s “scared” and “vulnerable” even though there’s a whole camera crew ready to save them if necessary. Please don’t.

I’m feeling vulnerable or bored. Bored might be more appropriate.

Bland has no compunction making the same wife claims to AshLee right before she is to decide to spend the night with him. Where have I seen this move before? Oh right, when he did the same thing with Linddsseeyyy. Romance!

AshLee knows Bland is her “soulmate” — gah — and that he’s healed her broken heart. He’s gonna look like a big ol asshole when he dumps her for one of the younger ones.

Last date with Catherine. She yips around like a hyped-up toddler puppy. This will likely be shorter than the rest because I’m dividing my time between punching myself in the face to stay awake and looking up naked pictures of Orville Redenbacher on the Internet.

Snorkling and thunderstorm kissing. Overnight date discussion. “I’m not a whore,” Catherine paraphrases. “But I’ll spend the night.”

Catherine was fearful of putting her heart out there™ but she has never worn a bathing suit around someone as much as Bland, and I’m wondering if she’s speaking in Thai because I have lost the ability to comprehend anything.

Bro-meet between Bland and Chris Harrison. Bland discusses his “pain” from being rejected by a Bachelorette during the fabricated fantasy dates. He has to dump someone though “to reach my final goal,” which is f-list celebrity and occasional appearances in US Weekly dry-humping other f-list celebrities.

Seven years later we get to the rose ceremony. He sends AshLee packing. The other two ninnies gripe that she didn’t say “good-bye” as AshLee storms off.

She glares at Bland as if she’s willing her eyeballs to fly out of her skull and stab him in the face. He attempts to explain himself and just looks redder and redder. And for the first time, it actually feels a little realistic. He is a bumbling ass and she is crushed. Okay, that’s over.

Three-hour finale in two weeks.

Kill me.

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50 comments

  1. Speaker7,
    How about reviewing a kids show… Something like Yo Gabba Gabba…
    As my ACOF Club Member Wrangler™ next month, I might just request one…
    Le Clown

  2. I like where they laugh at the cuteness of the 1,000 year old culture. They just had to bring Bland overseas right after we launched Romney. Now everyone will hate Americans! Yay!

    I feel so sorry for AshLee not getting to stay and get herpes with the others. Maybe she can look up naked pictures of Orville now.

  3. Seriously, I worry about the stress you put yourself through. First the whole FIFTY SHADES thing, now this.

    I swear, I worry that the next thing you’re going to write about is taking a shower in used disposable razor blades while cuddling with a sac of baby brown recluse spider hatching forth, ravenously emerging ready to eat their mother and/or next meal. That or watching an Uwe Boll marathon; I’m not sure which is worse…

      1. Next week- a very special episode as The Bachelor bids adieu to another contestant…using binary code. Watch as the ladies try to figure out who’s going home!

  4. I’m sorry, but I had a fuck of a time getting past Ashlee STABBING Bland in the face with her eyeballs. Do her eyeballs have concealed weapons? Hi Weebly. I see you up there. Glad you decided to forgo the panties today. :-P

  5. I don’t have a cable box, but if I did, I would like to purchase you, replace my cable box with you typing on a screen, and watch “television” this way.

    Bro meet or bro meat?

  6. I am so surprised to hear that he dumped one of them. I did not see that coming. Apparently, neither did they, so I am not alone. I thought the name of the game was to collect as many girls as possible and put them into binders. Was I wrong?

  7. I just have to say. I look forward to these recaps every week. I don’t have to watch the show, I just read your posts. Much more entertaining and right on the mark! ummm are there really naked pics of Orville online??? Where??

  8. Someday, when I’ve had way too much alcohol than one should consume, I’ll watch this show.
    Hahahha.. Just kidding. I’d rather watch Thomas the Train’s Blue Mountain Mystery for the 11 billionth time in the past year. Nice recrap, though.

      1. Thomas is working with the Narrow Gauge engines and tries to find out why a little green engine hides all the time. Ridiculously catchy, annoying songs throughout. Why do all kids love Thomas?

  9. I keep wishing one of these fantasy trips will send them to North Korea, but alas…

    No joke, I heard a lesser awesome recap of this on the radio today as I was driving to get an acupuncture treatment. Ironic because I wanted to stick needles in my skull after hearing it. Radio deejays bantering about reality TV is so precious.

    1. Did they use cartoon horns, toilet flushes and other hee-liraous sound effects? Because that is the stuff of comedy gold.

      Your North Korea idea is sensational. I would also opt for Mexico City.

  10. Chris Hanson makes me want to punch the faces of a thousand children. When he and Bland talk, I literally feel my soul trying to scratch its way out of my body.

    Can’t wait for the reunion when everyone gangs up on T-Rex (that’s my name for Tierra) and AshLee cries for the billionth time.

    1. But Chris Hanson is just trying to be real with his advice and dead, dead eyes. He has only said a bizallion times how “sincere” Bland is so I know it’s true and Bland won’t yet be another Bachelor engaged for six weeks to then end up on Dancing With the Stars.

  11. Two weeks? Two weeks? I don’t think I can wait. Can you write a prediction post or something? Or, can you write to Chris and tell him you’ll flog yourself as one of the next contestants if he can let you in on who he and Bland both slept with (besides each other) and decided they would propose to together and whisk away to their commune in Alaska where The Next Top Model elimination loser from season two and the The Biggest Loser who lost it all and gained it back two-fold in season four demonstrate strange love at their altered state of reality themed bed and breakfast?

  12. When you mentioned Orville Redenbacher naked, I immediately conjured a mental image of six feet of wrinkly foreskin with teeth and horn rimmed glasses. I’d almost rather watch Bland and his Blandettes. Please note that I said “almost”.

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