The Bachelor Non-Event Two Day Event!!

Son of a bitch.

So today marks the first day in a two-day Bachelor event. Spielberg was able to show the story of Oskar Schindler in little over two hours, but The Bachelor needs two whole days to show a piece of cardboard grind against helium-filled Dora the Explorer balloons.

There are 47 or 6,003 women left. The cast inexplicably is moved to Montana. Possible explanation is all the herpes medication in LA has been used up. The western meadowlark is Montana’s state bird. That is the most exciting sentence you will read in this recrap.

Host Chris Harrison shows up. His shirtail is untucked cuz he’s laidback, yo. He talks of the upcoming dates. One is a two-on-one date. Only one will return, Chris Harrison warns. Sounds a bit murdery.

Bland misses “the women” and can’t want to “spend more time with them,” he dead eyes.

His chooses Linnnddssyyeyasay for the one-on-one date. She cries because life is meaningless. She has trouble identifying a helicopter. They helicopter to a picnic, and another polar bear slides off a melting ice floe due to the carbon emissions.

More words lose all meaning. Words like “connection,” “dream come true,” “wife.”

Linnndddssyyeyasay and Bland dance while some recording sensation sings in the town square. And now “magical” has been ruined forever.

Group date. Goat-milking. Connections are made. It is magical. Bland offers one of the goats a rose. It eats it and poops a happy ending.

Some fake controversy because the team who lost the goat milking contest gets to also be bored forever by Bland instead of drink themselves into oblivion and watch 30 Rock reruns in the palatial lodge. Jesus, that sounds really good right now.

Some drunk woman drunk-cries because she stumbled over to talk to Bland, and he and another woman “were sitting on each other’s laps.” This just proves this show is wayyyyyyyy better when one is drunk.

The dreaded two-on-one date. One of the datees is “The Villain.”  The threesome awkwardly drink wine. Bland suggests a hand-job contest spending time alone with each. The producers take Bland aside and tell him to give the rose to “The Villain” because reality television thrives on stupidity. “The Villain” evily hugs him and cackles like a caricature of a villain on a crappy reality dating show.

Rose ceremony. Boring and more boring. Mouths move, saying banalities. “The Villain” says she’s all punchy feeling toward the other “ladies.” One of the ladies has an argument with “The Villain” that makes me feel like I’m as drunk as everyone else on the show. It makes that scene in Gummo where a guy fights with a chair seem completely composed and rational.

Bland hates all the drama, which is why he agreed to appear on a dating reality show where 25,000 narcissists compete for his tongue juice. Is “The Villain” nice or is she like, not nice, Bland thinks in his concrete-ladened head until it causes a synapse to fire out his butt.

This is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do™ or at least I’m expecting Bland will say this at some point. He gets real with Chris Harrison and says “The ladies aren’t paying enough attention to my penis” or “I don’t know if I see my wife in that group of ladies.” Let me just stress again that there is another fucking episode tomorrow.

Chris Harrison greets the contestants and says “It’s been an interesting night.” I just looked in the dictionary to see if “interesting” means what I think it means.

The drunken argument lady does not get a rose.

How interesting.

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57 comments

  1. Hahahaha. Oh, that sounds simply delightful. I think about how these people move among us, drive cars, vote, and all without working synapses because they invest more in inflatables than education. And then I want to go back to bed.

  2. Surviving Parent was over last night, so, I agreed to watch part of this with them–giving up an hour of Top Gear. What did I think? “Gee, I can’t wait to see what Speaker 7 has to say tomorrow” and then, I started giggling, which was difficult to explain to SP, especially as it was during said rose ceremony. That’s how much I love your recraps.

      1. I thought it meant “I have no soul nor personality, thus, I’m on this program preaching about being intense”, but, I could be wrong.

  3. What the hell has Oskar Schindler got to do with The Bachelor? Why was I initially so blind to the obvious answer? You. Gee, it must be time for me to invest in a Lifestyle Lift. Hilarious S7.

    1. I had to google “Lifestyle Lift” and I’m so happy that I did. Did you know that there are real people just like you and me, and they have their real stories and it’s so real?

      1. Gee, S7, poke me in the eye with a sharp quill. Really! Actually, really don’t.

        Your (and a few other bloggers) response to my comment did not show up in that comment-box-thing on my site. I’m annoyed. Really.

  4. This made me laugh. I watch that stupid show, and I’ll watch it again tonight. I don’t know why. It’s like a canker sore – I continually chew it even though it hurts. I just can’t stop myself.

  5. Hey there Mr. S7 :-). If I ever considered watching this show before…well then I’m a &#(#*& idiot. I think I’d rather watch Murdoch Mysteries. (leaves a dust trail from here to google) or Judge Judy. That bitch is real.

    1. But it’s going to be the most amazing Bachelor episode after yesterday’s most amazing Bachelor episode. Wait…am I really going to watch this? I need wine.

  6. I’m so glad I don’t have to watch the real Bachelor on tv. I much prefer your hilarious funhouse-mirror version! I’m kinda rooting for the lady who can’t Identify a helicopter.

  7. I love your show! The only thing worth watching. To think there are 6,003 more episodes to go. I’m hooked. Who will Bland pick and how will he propose? I can hardly stand the tension!!!!!!

      1. Ha! I know! But you’d be surprised who’s chatting about it at work: the earnest, married, father of two; the strong, independent woman who doesn’t understand why anyone would get married; the tech who only watches hockey games…

  8. I’m glad you mentioned the helicopter. “Is that a helicopter?!” “No, it’s a transport truck.” “Really? Cool!” “I was just kidding, it’s your mom.” “Really? That’s soooo cooool!” is how that could have easily gone.

  9. At least Schindler’s list had an intermission. I don’t know how you make it through these episodes but I am grateful to have the space on my DVR for some Housewife crap.

  10. In a perfect world, people who appear on this show—as well as anyone who auditions but doesn’t make the cut—should be sterilized. At first I was going to say euthanized but that might be too harsh.

    No, scratch that. Actually I think euthanized is better.

  11. See, even Wendy thinks you’re a man? I knew I wasn’t the only one. Does Hugo write some of these posts? Maybe that would explain it. Wait, no it wouldn’t…

  12. Current Season Demento/Gloating Frontrunner and Eventual Ex of Sean is sure to up the ante this evening. After falling down an entire flight of steps, going catatonic, and exhibiting generally borderline sociopathic disorder, she will wrestle a shark to the ground, eat it, and nearly drown of shark bloat on tonight’s episode. A tip for you: Watch all episodes on your iPhone. That way you will be distracted at how tiny everyone is and how amazing it is that not that many people even had TVs back when you were born and now you can take your TV to bed and hide it inside a fake book so Now Husband doesn’t realize the depths to which you have sunk except he keeps asking, “Why does that book keep saying things like “This is the most amazing week ever and I know my wife is in this group?'”

  13. Can the producers possibly combine The Bachelor with other reality shows to prevent complete boredom? For example:

    The Bachelor Pawn Shop: The bachelor brings one of “the women” to the Las Vegas Pawn Shop to be brokered for new trinkets.

    The Bachelor Apprentice: The bachelor brings “the women” to The Donald and lets him fire them. Of course, The Donald could fire the bachelor.

    The Bachelor Extreme Hoarder: The bachelor can’t dismiss the women. He just hoards them in the upstairs rooms. An intervention ensues.

  14. I think I might have to start all of my future posts with the line: Son of a bitch. That killed me! Still laughing.

    Speaking of killing. I think reality show producers should do us all a big favor and just use “Things are about to get all murdery up in here!” as their show’s new tagline.

  15. Today, I went to the beachfront with my children.
    I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.”
    She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
    She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!

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