Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Hmm?
Oh, yes. I’m recrapping The Bachelor.
It is two hours long!?! What the fuH.
I’ve got this. I’ve totally got this.
Um…
So this guy? Yep, his name is Bland. He likes his harem o’ ladies. He’s getting really connectedvilled with some of them. Some ladies are like “Fart.” Others are like “Poopy.” One sharts a sonnet.
This one climbs a mountain and claims her religion prevents her from kissing Bland on TV, but not from completely humilating herself on TV. Bland wants to kiss her, but also wants to drink a shoe filled with milk.
Roller derby group date. Woman I’ve never seen before say “I’m irrelevant.” Someone falls, cracks her head open and shredded paper falls out. Sarah, of the one-arm, cries because this is the most boring episode. Bland’s heart bleeds Pringles® and gives her a pep talk that makes me want to chew off my arm.
Skate, skate, ambulance, feh.
One woman on the group date is trying to be interesting by being “the villain,” but she is just boring and makes me wish I was watching someone chew gum. “I’m going to leave,” she bores and ugh.
There is an hour left.
For fuck’s sake.
Random woman wonders why she is not sticking her finger in Bland’s bunghole. She does not get the coveted one-on-one date card. The other woman who earlier was crying about bloopy gets it and I’m so…..I’m so dead inside.
They both have crazy eyes and talk about how “excited” they are for this date. Driving. Interesting conversation ensues:
“We’re in Beverly Hills,” Bland says.
“I know,” says date person.
Pretty Woman reference. “We’re living out the fantasy,” Bland says. I think he thinks he’s getting a blow job from a hooker.
Clothes montage and…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I’m up. I’m up.
She is getting her wish or her chlamydia, I don’t know, but she’s getting something and pffttt….45 minutes left. I swear time is standing still.
Bland is not feeling a “romantic ” connection with date person. “Romantic” connection means “hand job.” No rose for her. She leaves.
Bland heads back to the date by himself to hear “Ben Taylor” sing on his guitar. What is happening?
Rose falls “dramatically”to the ground. Some petals fall off.
I look dramatically at the clock and cry.
Bland platitudes to a bunch of random people before the rose ceremony. “I love ______ about ______.”
I love nothing about this show.
And this is why I won’t make it to the end, but I’m sure the rose ceremony is “dramatic” and “shocking,” but now is the time for…
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I watched this for the first time last night. It will be the last time. Your recraps are far more interesting than the shzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
This show is so…….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Even talking about it induces comas.
Thank you for making it so I never have to watch the show. I can enjoy the laughs without having to chew my arm off.
I just wish there was a way I would never have to watch this show.
Speaker7,
I hope I never get tied to a chair and have to watch this show but if I do, I will think of you and laugh maniacally.
Red
Red,
I hope that does not happen to you because that sounds worse than waterboarding.
Speaker7
This episode of The Bachelor was brought to you by the letter zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
It was also brought by the letter P for poop.
For some strange reason, I’m getting the idea that your heart just isn’t in this anymore. Or never was.
The things you do for your readers!
I have yet to make that necessary connection with The Bachelor. I think it’s because my brain still functions.
Like listening to someone describe the world’s only interesting dream.
I think you mean nightmare.
Is his name seriously Bland? Good grief, it’s like they’re not even trying anymore.
That might not be his real name. It might be Cardboard.
You made it longer than I would have. Bland sounds like a douche.
Bland is too bland for douchedom. He’s more just eh…
They ALL sound like douches and drama queens. Ugh. The things you do to bring us funny shit S7…you deserve a fucking medal.
Thanks Wendy. I would settle for some inner peace and silence. And doritoes.
I have to admit, I’ve always wanted to shart a sonnet.
It’s not too late to make this a 2013 New Year’s resolution. Dare to dream.
It seems this show is about as classy as I thought it would be…where’s our world headed, Speaker7? I need some wisdom of yours.
I believe it’s headed straight down the toilet, but it will be a love-filled toilet.
I will be forever grateful to you for recapping this and saving me the 2 hours of despair.
My recraps aren’t completely authentic because I never make it to the end. For that I’m sorry. Will you accept this rose as an apology?
Please make TV.
F— yeah!
I appreciate you taking yet another pop culture assault for us, S7, but it keeps me up at night worrying for you. I am also worried about this show’s core audience. Once they stop making the show will they have to gently reintroduce them to society? Or just send them to an island?
I think you’ve just come up with the next amazing Bachelor spin-off.
I’d watch it. Your version, that is. Not the real one because yuck.
Thank you. My version has less herpes.
hahaha! The perfect reminder of why I don’t have TV. Your show is way more fun to watch anyway. If there’s someone named Pusseye on the show, I’m pulling for her.
I wish there was someone name Pusseye because the show might be watchable.
Dearest Speaker, please stop watching this show. I’m afraid you’ll resort to self mutilation as an escape from this idiocy.
I appreciate the concern, but I feel compelled to watch crap. I have a problem.
What I love is that most of these women are attractive. Stupid, but attractive, which is what men like Bland like. But it also means hundreds of other men would like them too, so why compete for this one idiot when there are so many others? Oh. I forgot. There’s money involved, so they’re definitely going to act like idiots. Sort of like that Wipeout show, only in that one everyone is physically assaulted instead of just nauseatingly assaulted. They had one episode that was a blind date one and OMG I think it would be awesome if they were to put the girls on the Bachelor through those obstacle courses. I’d watch them get smacked over and over again.
Sometimes I wonder if I would dig my husband more if I had competed with 325 other dames for him. I think yes.
You have saved me an hour of my life, including commercial breaks. For this, and the entertainment that comes from your re-cap, not the actual show, I thank you.
It’s two hours. Two. Hours. It is two hours long. Does this seem possible?
Holy. It’s like a lifetime lost.
You could eat a lot of chips in that same amount of time and somehow still come out ahead. Two Hours of Borelor? I think it’s worthy of only your blog fodder. Thanks for the sacrifice.
Again? Good God Almighty, how many of these freaking shows will there be? Could they just go on for all of time? Will they start using Roman numerals? Because isn’t this The Bachelor XIIVIIXVVVXIQW?
Put a blond wig and veneers on a handful of shredded paper and most men couldn’t tell the difference.
I’m just waiting for the day when the child of some Bachelor is the new Bachelor. Then I will know true despair.
If a narrator said, “Next, on “The Bachelor” someone falls, cracks her head open and shredded paper falls out”, the entire nation might tune in. I think you could be the mother of the next big thing in network TV. Maybe you could persuade Hugo to act as your agent.
I don’t know why the narrator didn’t say that because it totally happened.
I don’t know how you do this S7. I want to throw shoes at the screen every time so much as a commercial comes on.
I clearly have something wrong with me.
That you do!
This sentence: “Someone falls, cracks her head open and shredded paper falls out.” This is what makes you so fantastic.
The only way this show could be interesting is if Hugo is The Bachelor.
Seriously that show would be amazing. I think Hugo as the Bachelor would completely redeem the Bachelor franchise.
Speaker 7,
If you were the host of that show I would watch it, but you’re not, so I don’t watch it because it sucks.
Adam S.
One day…one day I will be the next Chris Harrison. And you will watch, and you will find a connection with something, maybe even a person. And it will be glorious.
Speaker7
I want to try to get on this show and have a total freakout at the rose ceremony. “Are you people crazy? I mean, here’s this guy who lives in his mom’s basement and gets his hair done at Supercuts and we’re all fighting over him like hungry tigers on feeding day? Fuck you, you STD-laden jezebels.”
Then I’d rip my mic off and make history.
They are looking for people to be on the next Bachelor MVCIIIVM. You must audition.
Your assessment is spot-on. The Bachelor is brain cancer disguised as entertainment.
I am now convinced this show is only on the air as a PSA on STDs. I personally would prefer Alf telling me about herpes on One to Grow On.