I once tried to work at Walmart.
I took a personality test. There were a lot of questions about stealing. The scenarios were very Jean Val Jeanesque. There were a lot of questions about loyalty. The scenarios were very freedomy™. I think there were questions about pooping or I may be confusing the test with the questions asked by priests during premarital counseling sessions.
I did not get the job.
I am now applying for a new job. I’m a bit late to the game, and nearly missed the deadline. This weekend, I became intimate with the toilet and forged a bond that is usually reserved for war buddies.
This special relationship caused me to miss the love blooming between Blank and the 753 women he is dating on The Bachelor. I can only assume someone said they weren’t “here to make friends,” and Blank blandly stated his connectivity prospects with another lifeform or inanimate object. So basically this paragraph is my recrap of episode 3.
Anyhow, I am here to apply for the president of the Bozo the Clown fanclub. I’m sure I have gotten this wrong, but I am too lazy to refer back the original post written by Le Clown. Here I’ve linked it. You can tell me in the comments if I got it right.
I vaguely recall some rules, such as writing a post to show why you deserve it. I probably don’t. I’m uncomfortable with power. I’m socially awkward. I lasted in the Girl Scouts for about a week.
And yet, I seek it because I’m looking to jolt some Jolt Cola back into my own blog and writing. I figured if anyone could create inspiration it would be the magnificent™ Le Clown himself. I heard he once took a turtle turd and turned it into mashed potatoes.
If you did not know (i.e. you are one of the three people on earth who have never heard of Le Clown), every day is fucking magical. I believe this is true. Did you know that you can throw up several times and still feel like shit? That is kind of magical.
Before I virtually met Le Clown, I was a sad little man, seeking to restrict a woman’s right to everything:
The Before Picture
And then something happened. Le Clown commented on a blog post. I believe he wrote:
“Speaker7,
Fuck™.
Le Clown”
And I was sucked into a magical world, one where unicorns make out with white baby jesuses.
Now I’m a happy little man seeking to restrict a woman’s access to everything:
The After Picture. You can too! Only 3 installments of $99.99!! Call today!
I feel at this point, I would even be able to land that job at Walmart.
Speaker 7,
Although a late entry, you’re a runner up just by mocking Paul Ryan…
Le Clown on Dilaudid
Le Clown,
This makes me excited enough to puke. Again.
Speaker7
You have underestimated yourself (but not Paul Ryan).
Please see: http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/.
You have opened my eyes to endless possibilities.
Good post S7. By the way, up until now, I assumed you were a woman. Sorry dude.
I had always assumed everyone knew I was Paul Ryan.
Oh Speaker7 you would be a great carny-in-chief. I personally am glad that I will have nothing to do with this decision because another buddy has already been pushing for my support. Which means nothing. Perhaps a co-presidency is in order. And, perhaps Target.
Me, I once sold encyclopedias.
Thank you for your endorsement. Do you mind if I quote you on the billboard I’m buying?
That I have nothing to do with the choice???
No. That if you had a choice you would vote for me.
I see what you did there.
Sadly, I have no say in the choice Le Clown makes in selecting a president for his fan club but if I did, your application would be at the top of the heap with my little sticky note stuck to it saying “Hire this Speaker7 person- seems to be the most gonzo of the Bozo wannabes in this heap.” (I know that seems like quite a bit to write on a sticky note, but I write small and sometimes I use more than one sticky note.)
Terrific post!
That is quite possibly the nicest thing anyone wanted to write about me on a sticky note.
I think your title would be A Clown on Fire Club Member Wrangler which means you’ll have to Wrangle people, and then Hugo would naturally want a title too, probably the ACOF Club Member Strangler. I’m not sure which is scarier.
I think Hugo already earned that title a long, long time ago.
I have an idea. You could run for president of WordPress. Clearly you have political experience having once been Paul Ryan and been intimate with a toilet bowl. You could even have Hugo as your running mate!
If you’re president of WordPress, I bet you could run the clown club too.
Alice,
I like your counter-campaign to the race of my fanclub™! I also endorse Speaker7 as president of WordPress. With me as president of the World, we would make this world a better place, and make sure there are rabbit holes everywhere for you and the wonderful people of Wonderland to come and go as they please. We’re that fabulous.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
As self-appointed president of the Universe (or Miss Universe if you prefer) I will have to look into this president of the world business. I’m pretty sure president of the world has too many contenders, but we might possibly be able to find you a spot on Pluto. Speaker, though, is a shoe-in for WordPress president.
Alice
Alice,
Self-appointed positions are trademarked by Le Clown. The position of President of the World has been occupied since the first few days of A Clown on Fire. It is the top position, Alice. But I give you a B- for trying, and a B+ for originality.
Le Clown
PS: Congrats on the Freshly Pressed nod, BTW.
Le Clown,
I’m not sure, but I think Alice was blogging before you, which means she is still tops, which means you are still working for her. Sorry. C+ for effort.
P.S. You’re welcome. I mean, thank you.
Alice
Alice,
Although Alice did start blogging before Le Clown, like millions of other bloggers-including Perez Hilton-Le Clown paved the way, and we all know it. But Le Clown doesn’t see pastiche as an insult, more as a form of flattery. Le Clown’s coattail is a long one. Hop on, or off, at your leisure. You’re Welcome.
Le Clown
Le Clown
Alice doesn’t copy, she improves the old version. She also gets the last word. Oh, hi, Speaker.
Alice
As long as I’m able to restrict a woman’s access to everything, I’m on board.
We can put them in breeding pens.
It’s true, Alice. Le Clown has trademarked pretty much the whole Universe™ at this point. You won’t beat him.
I may have to find another universe to trademark, Madame. Wonderland bows to me.
Speaker 7,
What the fuck. I’m confused now…
…Are you a dude or a chick? Or both? Or a cartoon?
Fill me in.
P.S. you get my vote. Even if you’re both.
I am everyone and everything.
God,
Thank you for making me not less confused.
Perfect, Speaker. What you said about throwing up…you have my vote! I have full confidence in you.
Thank you. The stomach bug is fucking magical.
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Just don’t go all Selena-Fan-Club-President on us.
Ha! What Nancy said.
Dammit, I had put my support in for Brother Jon, but that was before I knew you were entering the race. Now I don’t know what to do. My whole world has gone all topsy. I’m going to need to discuss this with Hugo.
I’m still hurt, madam.
I really, really, REALLY want you to win. Mostly because I know, at some point, Hugo will overthrow you. Then he will overthrow Clown. His quest for torso-less world domination will be well on its way.
Pfft. Hugo doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Eh? Eh??? Get it? I kill me.
+10 points for the zinger
Count it!
All will fall before the creeper stare of Hugo!
Walmart has nothing on you. Between you and Hugo it would be a tough race, but one of you would torso-surpass Le Clown as leader. Or co-leader. Or upper body one-ab.
I worked at WalMart one Christmas Season to make extra money for said season. Thanks to this, I will never go to Hell nor Purgatory…I’ve spent my time there already.
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Oh shit. I always thought you were a woman too… Oops!!
It’s okay. People make that mistake all the time…wait, I am a woman.
I’m soooooo confused!! I remember seeing conversation earlier that you were a woman…but then in the post…I read that you were a man? I’m confuzzled. This is what happens when I try to catch up on everyone’s post at random times throughout my day.
Sorry for the confuzzledom. I am a girl.
Oh goody.
Wait, I didn’t think you were a man or a woman but instead a wad of paper. I’m confused???