I’m currently watching the premiere of the latest Bachelor. Some guy–let’s call him Chip? Sure, why not–is humbled that all these ladies have turned up to humilate themselves to win his rose heart.
The limo is like a clown limo. At least 300 to 4,000 ladies plop out and try to make an impression by being lamer than the last.
One gal lips up and plants a smooch on his pancake-make-up-covered face. Another pulls a used snot rag out of her cleavage and wipes it off. Another is like “I’m a Cosmo article,” mentions Fifty Shades of Shart and pulls a blue–BLUE–tie out of her butt. Someone has a profession called “personal organizer.” Another does a backflip and almost breaks her elbow. Another calls herself an entrepreneur.
One 1.5-armed gal says this is exactly how she envisioned falling in love. Another has a football because Cosmo told her men like sports, and she uses it as a prop to gaze at his bung hole.
Some woman voice-overs that she’s going to pee her pants. Some lady is that 25-year-old who is really 35. Another shows up in a wedding dress and gah.
Someone suggested I should recap the latest Bachelor.
This is my recap: Fuck, ladies.
You see, these ladies DO read. Cosmo and 50 Shades – wait, that’s like the reverse of reading. Makes sense. The wedding dress one is classic. Nothing says total desperation like showing up in a wedding gown.
They do realize there’s, like, other guys besides that one? It’s like all the women waiting for that one book (Twilight, 50 Shades) when there’s a fucking library full. Ugh.
I’m sooo glad my parents stressed being well-educated and how important it is to have a great sense of humor. Damn.
No, he’s the only guy. This is my only dream. This is all I’ve ever wanted. I may be delusional.
I find that the best ways to watch these shows is not to.
I concur with Ross. Like a doctor..
I can do that?!? I thought this was my American duty. I’ve wasted years, people. Years!
They should just call the show “Sloppy Seconds” and use it as a platform to advertise information about STD’s.
I think it’s more accurate to say “Sloppy Seventeenths.”
I don’t think there’s any STD prevention available for that!
Fuck, Ladies, I missed it….
If you’ve seen any of the Bachelors from Season 1 to the current Season 4,315, you have seen this.
No. I haven’t seen any. For some reason, I am always busy…. busy missing it.
I wish tv programs had to (by law) pander at least to an IQ that is necessary for a human to function…
Of course then there will be only 2 or 3 programs to watch.
I don’t have TV!
Sounds like an awesome freak circus of eccentric, delusional sluts.
I believe that is the Bachelor tagline. Or if it isn’t, it should be.
This show still exists? I thought we had evolved past bad dating shows.
This is season 2,301,121 so no, we have not evolved, but we will get it right this time, and find true love. For sure.
& this is exactly why I won’t watch shows like that. No offense to any people who really get into them. None. Whatsoever.
But it’s like a fairy tale. Wait…are those the right words? No, I mean circus sideshow.
Teehehe.
Here’s what I’m wondering…have any marriages ever evolved out of this show? I’m not talkin’ 20 day marriages, but real, hard-core marriages that result in kids and a mortgage? If not, then why is this shit still on the tee vee??
I believe the first Bachelorette (her name escapes me) is still married to that piece of cardboard she met on her show.
oh that’s right. Yeah. Now, am I in some sort of trouble because I didn’t remember this, because, that’s ok you know…
I am at home sick watching daytime TV and realizing that we are DOOMED.
Sorry for your sickness. Even in an illness haze, you are so right on. I think daytime TV was partly to blame for me going batshit crazy after my son was born.
I hope that you eventually recover!
Their parents must be so proud. Ew.
Really. Imagine seeing your daughter on TV doing these things. Ah, you’ve come a long way, baby…
Seriously. This would be the way for my son to completely destroy me.
That’s my kind of review: short and exceedingly accurate.
I think the recraps will become even more short and likely less coherent as the season progresses.
I think I watched 5 mins of that show once. That’s how long it took me to realize how dumb it was. Fuck, ladies is right.
It’s gotten way worse. They used to just lift up the skirts and point to their vag, now they juggle and shit.
I think I watched the show for 5 minutes once because a friend of a friend was on it. She said everyone took it so seriously. Thanks for the recent recap. Certainly don’t have to waste my time on that one!
It’s very obvious that they take it seriously–that is what makes it so pathetic.
I think your re-cap was spot on. Pathos magnified.
I think you make all this up. There’s no “Bachelor,” no “50 Shades” books.
I really hope that is how she’d “always imagined falling in love.” A little 7-year-old girl, dreaming of being on a televised competition which is manipulated to maximize melodrama, and conniving to sabotage other little girls and eventually triumph in competition to marry a man she doesn’t know.
Nice new gravatar, B-Man.
Like it? It cost me $3,000.
My brother could’ve photoshopped you in front of Halley’s comet on the cheap. Too bad
Byronic Man,
You are correct. I’ve just been putting the fantasies of my 7-year-old self to paper.
Last night was lovely, neither too warm nor too cool. I took a long walk with a delightful fellow lesbian on the storybooked streets of wonderful Manhattan island. We saw a big pile of horse shit near the gutter. From your description that sight was infinitely superior to that entire 18-day long episode of The Bachelor.
Is that pile of horseshit single? I think I’m in love, but only if I can compete with 24 other women for it.
It was a well packed pile. I could envision some airhead embracing it just to get her mug on the tube.
This is what the end of days looks like. Just like this.
I always thought there’d be less syphillis, but I guess I was wrong.
Reality shows are the suck. I can’t believe someone actually got you to watch one.
I put myself through a lot of torture for my “art.”
Your sacrifice inspires me, dearest Speaker. You have made a difference in my life. Know this.
This is the only way I “watch” these shows. If Speaker7 recraps a show I am knowledgeable enough to have a conversation about it. I thank God for Speaker7 continually biting the bullet and recrapping the hell out of anything I would not read or watch. There should be a medal for what she does.
I would be happy with just a piece of chocolate.
If you really want to take one for the team (that would be us, your loyal readers) — try watching “Baggage.” My teens had it on last night and I wanted to blow up the TV. In fact, good idea! Why do we allow even the possibility of this IQ_decreasing crap into our heads??? (of course, the kids loved it — they were laughing uncontrollably) … sigh.
I will watch this.
Recently, I saw a show in which four guys, all members of royal families from different countries, moved to small town, USA and posed as regular people. (You know, getting jobs, dressing themselves, brushing their own teeth…) They each hoped to find a woman who would love them for themselves, not for their money and palaces. I hate to admit it, but I watched all four episodes.
I would watch the shit out of something like that.
I’ve never watched the show, your recap has definitely brought me up to speed. Can you recap the Real Housewives of Tucumcari for me?
Yes, I can. Here is my recap: Duck lips.
Thanks – you are really helping me to free up my schedule!
Not all hope is lost! One of the ladies is a “Jumbotron Operator.”
I know. I’m kicking myself for not mentioning that in the recrap.
Gah! Where are these women? Here I am having to make to do with Doctoral candidates who read Thoreau and Whitman in their spare time when there are quality babes like this out there on the market! where can i meet them!!
You are seriously missing out. Do you realize there are women out there who will pull ties out of their butts?
I hadn’t dared dream it…
That lady then accidentally strangled herself with the tie. True story.
You’re actually not far off. She got shitty drunk and nearly broke her ass falling on the floor.
Somehow “Fuck” seems like an understatement.
You are right. Maybe “fuck-a-doodle doo” would have been better?
20/20 hindsight…but yes.
I watched a few minutes of it and thought, “Jesus H.” I had no idea it was now de rigeur to skank yourself up and degrade and humiliate yourself for the chance of swapping bodily fluids with some himbo who’s also swapping bodily fluids with 24 other skanks. Kids today, you know?
But then how do you know if love is real unless you’re competing with dozens of other people?
That’s a good point. I hadn’t thought of that. Also, it’s always easier to tell if it’s true love if you’re in a hot tub.
I literally watched The Bachelor for the first time EVER on Hulu the other day. I watched a show all the way through, and auto-play was turned on, and it came on while I was in the other room, and I kinda got sucked into the episode.
I don’t understand any of it. A guy who seems like a robot, and women who are out of their fucking minds.
I’ll probably end up a devotee.
Just wait for the one-on-five “magical” “romantic” “dates”
Haaaa! Also, when in doubt, blame it on Cosmo.
I heard some interview on NPR the other day about how “reality” shows are completely manufactured: scripted, directed, etc. So that means there’s a bunch of guys telling these ladies how to act for ratings and viewers in the 18-34 male demographic. Have you watched MissRepresentation? Do.
http://www.missrepresentation.org
Oh my God. Please do this weekly. I hate that show, but I think I could get behind your version of it.
I think that about sums it up. My mom told me about the girl in the wedding dress. Sheesh.
Fuck, I missed it again. Thanks for the recap. Do these creatures try out for the show? Why?
I cannot understand why you are all so upset about The Bachelor. If I had a son, I’d want nothing more that to have him go on this show to marry an eccentric, delusional slut, especially one who could pull a blue tie out of her butt.
Ooh I’m so glad you’re recapping it for me. So much more interesting than actually watching it. I can’t solely because of my mother. The incessantly commenting and questions would make you think I produced the show and was actually a contestant on it because I’m supposed to know all the ladies and who “won” when I literally walked in 5 mins before the show ends. Sheesh.
I will definitely read the recraps because this show is too cringe inducing to watch personally for my person. Is this the no sex bachelor? That’s a nice twist as opposed to past guys who were fucking all the girls at the same time in line or something. I haven’t seen an entire episode for years but the last one I saw the guy was doing all of them.
Crap. This is icky.
Thank you once again for takin’ it for the team.