The Best Advice in 140 Characters or Less

This was supposed to be a post highlighting the Top 10 Top 10 Lists of 2012.

My intent was pure. I discovered the Top 10 Ways to Squander Your Life. Click here.

I went on Yahoo Shine, the lady blog about lady stuff, and found articles about the Top 10 Ways to To Turn Your Belly Fat into Booby Fat.

I went on Glamour’s website and found this weird picture tied to some new year resolution article:

creepymeeting

But then I went to Cosmo’s website and landed on this gem:

25 Ways to Turn on a Man

and I hit the brakes in my quest.

I am always interested in this topic. I tend to get wrapped up in stupid shit like career goals and personal fulfillment and then it dawns on me–I am not turning any man on right now.

I realize the more I focus on other things beside man on-turnage, the less I remember how to do it.

Do men like a woman who can play spoons coated with mashed potatoes? Maybe.

Are men turned on by razor burn? I hope so

Do men like a muffin top covered in muffin crumbs? Probably not.

But here, Cosmo has provided me with knowledge from the men themselves.

Apparently Cosmo asked men to tweet what turns them on. These man tweeters had only 140 characters to use so I figured their turn-on advice would be succinct and easily digestible kind of like a spam lollipop.

KydDaze digs “That ‘early in the morning’ or ‘tired at night’ phone voice.”

So basically men like phelgm and slurring. Duly noted. Tonight, my husband better watch out after I down a dosage of hydrocodone. I might even show him the phelgm covering my tonsil scabs. Bam chicka bam bam.

It floats Nogood_W4rd’s boat “If you can spin around while you ride it.”

So men like a lady who resembles a whirligig and is really short. She would have to be, right? Or else isn’t he getting kicked in the face? Or what I mean to say is “hot.”

PoloMaskot gets woodage from “Good credit.”

How does that work exactly? You go online to freecreditreport.com, wait six weeks to get your credit rating and then it’s let’s get this party started. Woop woop.

MC_3, aka Christian Grey, likes “When a girl bites her lip while looking into your eyes.”

MC_3, I have the perfect woman for you.

Jrel_24NGM prefers “Women who wear boy shorts all the time.”

Really? Even to funerals? What about when she’s whirlygigging around your peen while biting her credit score report?

Hmmm. That seems…stupid sexy.

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68 comments

  1. I have a pair of tights from 1963 that I place on my head and spin around like a helicopter. I used to do it nude but when my breasts started slapping me in the back, I switched to a sexy aviator costume.

  2. Wow, a whole 140 char to describe what turns them on? Sounds like they’re wishy washy.
    Though I hope there is more focus on all things on-turnage, jsut so I get to see the words on-turnage.

  3. Spinning around on a peen? Well, Lady Gaga said she wanted to “take a ride on your disco stick”. Maybe he likes Lady Gaga and her meat suit. I agree that E.L. James would totally be the woman for this guy. I bet she reads Cosmo too. It’s such a useful mag. Otherwise I might just think that you just have to be present and preferably naked to turn on a man. Silly me.

    1. What the frack is a disco stick? I would understand “I want to play with your disco balls” but ride your disco stick? That does not cause on-turnage.
      Obvs. E.L. is the perfect woman for man on-turnage since she created the most perfect specimen of butt pluggery in the world.

  4. I got propositioned last night by a man – now I’m checking these off – did I accidentally bite my lip? Did I get so drunk I did the merry-go-round on his manhood? Or maybe it’s just that I’m so damn tired I’m talking like Barry White with a head-cold?

    1. You likely did all these, and likely let slip that your credit score is in the 700s. Thanks for the track back to my Top 10 films. I believe many of the films I mentioned when turn men on, especially the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter commercial.

  5. One big turn on for me is women who don’t read Cosmo. As for explaining the mysteries of sexual attraction in under 140 characters, I’m not surprised that many guys still had 80 or 90 characters left. I read a similar article which described how to turn on your woman. It involved turning off the game, shaving on the weekend and listening to what she had to say. I didn’t read the whole article, because the second half of the game was about to start, besides there weren’t enough pictures.

  6. It’s truly a shame that your focus ever shifts from on-turnage. Don’t you know a woman’s sole purpose is to turn on a man? Oh, and a muffin top with muffin crumbs is yummy.

  7. Wait. That article isn’t about turning on a man at all; it’s about turning a man on. I was expecting an article about how to betray a man, or stab him in the back — you know, how to turn on him.

  8. They’re called spinners.

    And I loved how you highlighted the best parts for us :P

    FYI, I hastily clicked out of your first link. I can’t go back. I just can’t do it. I’ve been so good. So strong. Must not fall off the (farm) wagon!!!!!

  9. Oh good gravy. Reading those kinds of lists makes me feel humiliated to be a woman, much like a douche commercial circa 1986. I still remember reading a Cosmo interview with Mel Gibson about 300 years ago (keep in mind, this was back when we still thought he was sane) — he mentioned that he found coffee breath on a woman at night to be a turn on. I started drinking coffee the very next day. I obviously had no self respect back then.

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