This was supposed to be a post highlighting the Top 10 Top 10 Lists of 2012.
My intent was pure. I discovered the Top 10 Ways to Squander Your Life. Click here.
I went on Yahoo Shine, the lady blog about lady stuff, and found articles about the Top 10 Ways to To Turn Your Belly Fat into Booby Fat.
I went on Glamour’s website and found this weird picture tied to some new year resolution article:
But then I went to Cosmo’s website and landed on this gem:
and I hit the brakes in my quest.
I am always interested in this topic. I tend to get wrapped up in stupid shit like career goals and personal fulfillment and then it dawns on me–I am not turning any man on right now.
I realize the more I focus on other things beside man on-turnage, the less I remember how to do it.
Do men like a woman who can play spoons coated with mashed potatoes? Maybe.
Are men turned on by razor burn? I hope so
Do men like a muffin top covered in muffin crumbs? Probably not.
But here, Cosmo has provided me with knowledge from the men themselves.
Apparently Cosmo asked men to tweet what turns them on. These man tweeters had only 140 characters to use so I figured their turn-on advice would be succinct and easily digestible kind of like a spam lollipop.
KydDaze digs ”That ‘early in the morning’ or ‘tired at night’ phone voice.”
So basically men like phelgm and slurring. Duly noted. Tonight, my husband better watch out after I down a dosage of hydrocodone. I might even show him the phelgm covering my tonsil scabs. Bam chicka bam bam.
It floats Nogood_W4rd’s boat “If you can spin around while you ride it.”
So men like a lady who resembles a whirligig and is really short. She would have to be, right? Or else isn’t he getting kicked in the face? Or what I mean to say is “hot.”
PoloMaskot gets woodage from “Good credit.”
How does that work exactly? You go online to freecreditreport.com, wait six weeks to get your credit rating and then it’s let’s get this party started. Woop woop.
MC_3, aka Christian Grey, likes “When a girl bites her lip while looking into your eyes.”
MC_3, I have the perfect woman for you.
Jrel_24NGM prefers “Women who wear boy shorts all the time.”
Really? Even to funerals? What about when she’s whirlygigging around your peen while biting her credit score report?
Hmmm. That seems…stupid sexy.
I have a pair of tights from 1963 that I place on my head and spin around like a helicopter. I used to do it nude but when my breasts started slapping me in the back, I switched to a sexy aviator costume.
I will tweet this under the hashtash #manonturnage and see if it really causes man on-turnage. I’m guessing, but I think it’s a big yes.
LOL!
Hahahahaha! Awesome!
bwahahhaaaaa! Renee, I just spit out my spam pop.
Wow, a whole 140 char to describe what turns them on? Sounds like they’re wishy washy.
Though I hope there is more focus on all things on-turnage, jsut so I get to see the words on-turnage.
I was thinking it would mainly be one word for on-turnage: sex. Or maybe beets, beets are really sexy and cause frequent on-turnage.
Depends entirely on which beet metaphor you’re using.
Borscht? Not so hot. but the sour cream is a nice touch…
I was going for roasted.
My husband likes when my hair is slightly damp in the mornings from the pre- menopausal hot flashes I have.
Bam chicka bam bam.
Spinning around on a peen? Well, Lady Gaga said she wanted to “take a ride on your disco stick”. Maybe he likes Lady Gaga and her meat suit. I agree that E.L. James would totally be the woman for this guy. I bet she reads Cosmo too. It’s such a useful mag. Otherwise I might just think that you just have to be present and preferably naked to turn on a man. Silly me.
What the frack is a disco stick? I would understand “I want to play with your disco balls” but ride your disco stick? That does not cause on-turnage.
Obvs. E.L. is the perfect woman for man on-turnage since she created the most perfect specimen of butt pluggery in the world.
Yeah, a disco stick might be like an emery board or a dry tampon. Mirrors and sharp edges…. Yowchers!
I can tell there’s a penis rising somewhere out there RIGHT NOW…and for no reason whatsoever.
You have a seventh sense.
I think we should call it a “pensor” ; )
That will be in Merriam-Webster some day. I will make it my life’s mission.
I take it to a new level by biting my lip until it’s chapped and then picking off the skin until I need Carmex. Hot or not?
While lip-picking did not make the list of 25, I would conclude that men would be turned on as long as your credit score is high.
Hot like a herpes fever.
Me too! I think Cosmo would categorize us as “too hot for most men,” which is probably about a 9.9987 on the hot scale if I’m scoring my quiz correctly.
I always cheated on Cosmo quizzes.
I am so wearing boy shorts to my next funeral.
2013 – the Year of the Boy Shorts. Watch out, elementary school library.
I got propositioned last night by a man – now I’m checking these off – did I accidentally bite my lip? Did I get so drunk I did the merry-go-round on his manhood? Or maybe it’s just that I’m so damn tired I’m talking like Barry White with a head-cold?
You likely did all these, and likely let slip that your credit score is in the 700s. Thanks for the track back to my Top 10 films. I believe many of the films I mentioned when turn men on, especially the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter commercial.
Disco-stick dip in
margarine pre-spin
warm body curdle
off dairy stench
- Who doesn’t get priapic at the whiff off rancid butter!!
Was it your neighbor? Did Mrs. Fierce Panda put him up to it?
You must stop using your own relationship as a yardstick for others poppet!!
If I do it, Panda, then EVERYONE must do it. I like being called “poppet.” Does that make me weird?
I think you need love sweetie
You must be KGB. How do you see so clearly into my mind with a few strokes of the keyboard?
One big turn on for me is women who don’t read Cosmo. As for explaining the mysteries of sexual attraction in under 140 characters, I’m not surprised that many guys still had 80 or 90 characters left. I read a similar article which described how to turn on your woman. It involved turning off the game, shaving on the weekend and listening to what she had to say. I didn’t read the whole article, because the second half of the game was about to start, besides there weren’t enough pictures.
I think Cosmo and whatever the male equivalent of Cosmo is (Maxim?), should be used as barometers in all dating scenarios.
It’s truly a shame that your focus ever shifts from on-turnage. Don’t you know a woman’s sole purpose is to turn on a man? Oh, and a muffin top with muffin crumbs is yummy.
I am constantly failing in my womanly duties. I have not once, ever whirlygigged around anything.
Life: you’re doing it wrong.
Ok, I’m confused now, is a spam lollipop the same as a disco stick?
No. A disco stick is all sparkly and a spam lollipop is all greasy.
A woman whirling around a man’s peen actually reminded me of the Exorcist and then I got scared.
I know. It obviously has to induce some vomiting.
I don’t think I’m made for the sexy. I kept worrying I’d throw my back out.
That is the price one pays from man on-turnage.
That sounds stupid sexy. Not just sexy…stupid sexy.
I think stupid sexy might be the best kind because you can get away with a lot more like using Ax body spray.
Speaker 7, work on the muffin crumbs. Could you please respond to this comment in your sexiest phlegm-coated tonsils voice? (you can just type it)
Gluggg…glarrrrrrrrrr……
Representative surveys turn me on. Twitter advice, not so much.
You should know that woman on-turnage is irrelevant. Have you never read Cosmo?
Wait. That article isn’t about turning on a man at all; it’s about turning a man on. I was expecting an article about how to betray a man, or stab him in the back — you know, how to turn on him.
That’s in next month’s issue. It’s all about the 25 super cute shoes you can wear while turning on a man.
Hah, farmville
Speaking of Farmville, my cows need some help, please. Their udders have fallen off and I need some farm coins.
Their udders fell off?! That sounds like a job for “Dr Veterinarian!”
I am relieved men like phlegm and slurring. That’s my normal speaking voice– I am golden!
You’re going to have to beat them away with a spam lollipop.
If PoloMaskot gets woodage from “good credit,” what does he get from “bad credit?” Splinters?
Probably.
Okay, I’m no expert on this, but do women really need tips to turn a guy on? When I dated men, all it took to turn them on was to be in the same room as them!
I believe your right. I think the prospect of potential sex is all it takes.
This is a good reminder of why I rarely date men and never read Cosmo. Life is so, so short. Happy New Year!.
Most women’s magazines aren’t worth your time. It’s way better to just eat some oreos and watch TV. Happy New Year to you too!
As a lesbian I am so glad I don’t have this problem. We also specialize in synchronized spinning.
Is that an Olympic event?
It will be in 2016.
They’re called spinners.
And I loved how you highlighted the best parts for us
FYI, I hastily clicked out of your first link. I can’t go back. I just can’t do it. I’ve been so good. So strong. Must not fall off the (farm) wagon!!!!!
Oh good gravy. Reading those kinds of lists makes me feel humiliated to be a woman, much like a douche commercial circa 1986. I still remember reading a Cosmo interview with Mel Gibson about 300 years ago (keep in mind, this was back when we still thought he was sane) — he mentioned that he found coffee breath on a woman at night to be a turn on. I started drinking coffee the very next day. I obviously had no self respect back then.