Oh Snap! I Gave Myself Hernia Laughing at This Post

You know reading the New York Times takes up time I could be spending on raising money for widowed orphans.

But that is the price I pay to be informed and what I became informed about today is the phenomenon of the humblebrag. Apparently people get on the twit network to broadcast their awesomeness by trying not to sound too, too awesome.

That is awesome.

It is something I want to learn to do because I want people to revel in my awesomeness, but not think I’m a self-absorbed dickhead.

Luckily there are several examples gathered by writer Harris Whittels on his Twitter feed.  I will present the original tweet and my practice run at the humblebrag. I only spent, like, 30 seconds on this so, you know, it might not be any good. It’s hard to work on humblebrags when so much of your emotional energy is spent thinking about endangered stink beetles #savethestink.

A pretty awesome humblebrag is the one where you point out how beautiful you are by tweeting “can you believe people think I’m beautiful? I’m wearing a raincoat for god’s sake!”

Like so:

toopretty

So, so crazy, right? Like, do these men have their eyes in backwards?

Here’s mine:

brucevilanch

In a similar vein is the “It’s really difficult to be skinny” humblebrag:

toothin

Seriously, when will that happen? I know Bethenny Frankel’s gravatar is her cover photo from Health magazine, but when will the media appreciate her for being famous for no reason?

Here’s my take:

nosehairs

Another popular humblebrag is the one where you point out your hanging with the popular kids in high school.

kidrock

Aw, Lance…from doing dope to hanging out with a dope. When will the hurtin’ end?

turd

Then there’s the humblebrag where you marvel at your life while name-dropping the shit out of something.

anglee

Oh wow. Do you work as a limo driver or something? Because that shit is cool.

nigerianprince

Then there’s the humblebrag where you feign amazement about your work.

wordsmoveme

Was it strange, Ben? I have strange feelings when I read my stuff too:

bowelmovement

Or you feign amazement about your general awesomeness:

flirtmaster

Are you flirting with me right now? It kind of feels like you are. And you are really good at it ;).

alphabetburp

Then there’s the humblebrag where you try to pretend you’re just a regular joe. Stars are just like us, you guys! Calm the fuck down.

flyregularstyle

I would totally be freaked out too if I had any idea who you are. It’s so weird when the nonspecials get so amazed by the specials, amirite?

metamucil

I think I might have the hang of this. Or maybe not.

It’s hard to get the hang of something new when you spend so much time bringing such happiness to the wordpress community.

But that’s just me, I’m selfless like that.

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Forever Immobolized in Fleece

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124 comments

  1. Hilarious! I do love Twitter, but I mostly follow people who talk about coffee. I haven’t seen many “humblebrags”, but I’d say you’ve got them down. I especially the one about the guy who I have no idea who he is, but he obviously assumes he’s a celebrity. Makes me think of “Dancing with the Stars”, or as I like to call it “Dancing with a bunch of people I’ve never heard of.” I haven’t ever actually watched it because I’ve seen Strictly Ballroom enough times to know how it ends, but I’d love to read your take on it. It’s always good to start the day with a laugh. That’s why I read my own Tweets, Bob Saget style. (My first humblebrag. I’ll keep working on it.)

  2. I have read posts like this but did not know they had a name. It sums it up pretty good, “humblebrag”. You seem to have become an expert at it quite quickly. Nice!

  3. “I’m just laughing at Speaker7’s post and people are like, ‘You’re laughter is like the sound of angels showering me with gold and chocolate,’ and I’m like why can’t people just let me LOL in peace!”

    1. Seriously. It’s like how I’m just sitting there and inevitably someone asks if they can make a statue of my face. And I’m “Another one? Isn’t 50 enough?” Apparently not. #toomanystatuesofmyfaceproblems

  4. I love it when people tell me how funny my comments are. I was really just trying to leave a sincere compliment on how well the article was written.

    1. This funny comment reminds me of the funny comments I leave on other blogs where people are like “wow, you’re funny” and I’m like, “hey I’m just living.”

  5. Fuck that was funny S7…and I’m amazed that I had time to read it between writing my second novel and second erotica anthology and being out until 2 am drinking and doing blow with Kid Rock.

      1. Personally, I prefer yoga with Brangelina. Our adopted children play with theirs and my prize winning poodle just loves Brad…she’s got good taste!

      1. Jackie,
        I am all class. You should know that from reading my super insightful posts. I mean that’s what Deepak Chopra says about them. I’m just quoting.

  6. I love you, Speaker7. I’m so happy to still find time to read other blogs in between editing my award-winning one.

    (how did I do?)

    1. He is a super good friend of mine. And when a super good friend of mine is in trouble, I have to help. That’s how I am. I can’t help what a super good friend I am. #mysacrifices

  7. Cackled out loud at the alphabet one. The humble brag is the best/worst.

    I would write more, but there are way too many comments in my inbox right now. I only have ten fingers people!

  8. Omg, so funny! Definitely was in stitches – and it’s so hard to believe that all the guys kept commenting about it! I mean, when I was on the phone with Brad Pitt and I told him that it was stitches or a cast, the cast just wasn’t worth it!

  9. I haven’t been on Twitter much, but I see humblebrags on Facebook all the damned time. I think that’s what Facebook should be renamed, actually. I would have left this comment sooner, but I had to go to a photoshoot (work photos – I am so in demand) and I didn’t have a stitch of makeup on. This combined with recently having had stomach flu made me so HOT I’m surprised the photographer could stand it.

    Oh, crap, there’s WordPress begging me to let them press me. I am above such things, I mean, gawd. They are SO annoying.

  10. I read that article too, but I couldn’t come up with good enough material to use it in a post. Just as well, since this post would have put it to shame anyway. I don’t see a lot of humblebragging but that’s probably because I don’t follow douchebags.

      1. I’d like to submit a contender for douchebragging: I overheard these two guys talking the other day, and one said, “Dude, I can’t believe you walked in on me getting head last night.” If you had seen this guy, you’d wonder how he got anyone to shake his hand, much less blow him. Also, who says “getting head” anyway??

      2. This, right here, prompted me to reblog your post. You are genius.

        How about a humbledouchebrag? “Man, I can’t believe I let my third girlfriend find out about the other two, by texting to the wrong number. I’m such a fumble-fingers.”

  11. I made a bad decision reading this when I had to pee. Seriously almost peed laughing. hahaha I really don’t want to meet any of those people in real life. I do, however, want #savethestink to trend because it would make my life.

    1. How does that happen because I’m soooo into the endangered stink beetles and people are like “Speaker7 where do you find all this energy to save the world?” And I say “Hey I’m just being me and I’m all about saving the stink” #savethestink

  12. Why is it I can think of hundreds of really clever remarks, but I can’t come up with one little humblebrag when I need to?

    Oh.

  13. Excellent HumbleBrags S7 – I love that we can be so funny without really trying.
    (HumbleBrag and KudosSteal, even a little ‘Pretendfriend’, all in one. I mean, I don’t know where it comes from, all this brilliance, it’s a curse…)

  14. I must say that all these magnificent (I hope Le Clown isn’t reading this) tweets have prompted me to follow you on Twitter! Hopefully one day I can humblebrag and drop your name in one of my tweets as well :P

    1. Just to warn you, my tweets are really profound. Some people can’t handle their deepness because they’re, like, super deep and stuff. Oh, and I also never tweet. It’s a lot to handle I know #feelmypain.

      1. Super deep as in Batcave super dark deep deepness? Awesome.

        I check in a lot on Yelp and that gets tweeted up the wazoo so just warning you ahead of time :P

  15. Humblebrag is just waiting for the Pope’s new Twitter account that I learned about today. I can’t wait to hear your take on how surprised he is that folks thought he was powerful enough to not hide pedophile priests. Can’t wait.

  16. Makes me think of ‘Hard to be humble’ by Mac Davis…:-).
    Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble
    When you’re perfect in every way
    I can’t wait to look in the mirror
    Cause I get better lookin’ each day

    1. Um, no Adam. Didn’t you read how I’m all about the endangered stink beetle? I could give two shits that my blog is the most popular blog in the history of blogs and I’m going to win awards and stuff and be super famous. The stink beetles are all I can think about. #savethestink

  17. haha, wow I am missing out! I purposely avoid twitter because of my addictive social networking personality. But this is insane. You get more hilarious with every post. I have a blogging crush on you Speaker7. For realz.

    1. But Stephanie, I don’t even have any make up on? How can you be crushing on me? Actually that happens a lot to me. I go outside without pants and with ketchup in my hair and people hit on me.

  18. Why do men say I’m beautiful when I don’t have a stitch of makeup on? Why does it hurt so much when I sew makeup onto my face? Why do I have all these scars?

  19. What do you and a funeral have in common? You both make me laugh ’till I cry. Of course, I kill time at a funeral (omigod, did I just write that) by putting “in the Bathtub” after all the hymn names. (“I Saw a Mighty Angel Fly… in the Bathtub,” “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing… in the Bathtub,” “I Stand All Amazed… in the Bathtub.” Try it out.) I don’t have to embellish your posts with “in the Bathtub” to make them funny. But, maybe just for a giggle…

      1. Oh, well, I cannot help you with that humblebrag, as I am severely lacking in creativity. However, I am sure you can muster up the wherewithal to make a good one. I will be the first one giggling when you do. :) (…in the Bathub.)

  20. Twitter was made for narcissists who want to pretend they aren’t. It’s why I’m there.

    I have a “friend” who posted a picture of herself on Facebook not too long ago with the caption, “I wish my boobs weren’t so full, then I could wear this shirt without stretching out the wording.” I commented, “In about 5 years your tits will be so saggy that you’ll wish they stretched out words instead of sparking the ground and starting a fire.”

    She deleted my comment.

    1. Shit you just became my favorite person! Every time I want to post something like that (and it’s a lot) The Masshole makes me send it to her instead. That way I’ve exorcised the demon and not lost any friends. Not going to lie, it’s unsatisfying.

      1. My friends know what a dick I am sometimes. It’s all in good fun. I just wonder what their super proper girly girl friends think. “Like, ohmigod. That girl is, like, so rude or whatever.”

  21. Oh Speaker this is amazing! Your tweets need to be turned into a book I can give my asshole friends to teach them to stop being assholes. In fact, feel free to call it “Teaching Your Asshole Friends How Not to Be Assholes.”

  22. “I just farted and it totally smelled like blueberries. Weird, right?”

    I actually say this in my head whenever I read something really really pointless on Facebook… This post speaks volumes to my life. You rule. (Feel free to humblebrag about it).

  23. True story, a person I know had a tweet that was highlighted on one of these types of sites. I think it was something about how it exhausts her to think of all the companies that could benefit from her consulting expertise. Good times.

    It sort of exhausts me to think of all the blogs I haven’t read for the past week while I’ve been off visiting the nation’s capital (and Elyse). I know they could really benefit from my always laugh-riot comments.

  24. This post is amazing. And eye-opening.
    I’m actually going to dinner tonight with a couple that humblebrags about their relationship on Facebook. I hope the world doesn’t end later. I would rather lick the rims of my tires clean than spend my last moments on earth with them.

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