The Fat Lady is Singing

It’s over.

Thank jolly rancher, it is the last day of November and my final day of writing a daily post. I feel like I should celebrate.

Oh right. First I’ve got to write this goddamned post.

A few days ago, I sought out your help. I asked you to vote on a series of post ideas, and you obliged me by mostly voting to allow me to rerun a post from my seedy past.

I felt as a thank you, I would write mini-versions of all the other post ideas. The mini-versions will be performed by my favorite troup of stock photo models.

Pecan Sandies – Who the Fuck Eats These? (received 2 votes, one from my mother)

You survive and yet Twinkie is dead. Seriously these cookies are disgusting. They taste like sand. I’d actually rather eat pecans covered in sand than these.

People magazine’s Top 10 Stories of 2012 even though there’s more than a month left (3 votes)

To be fair, the top 10 stories were pretty awesome.

Full disclosure: I did not know many of the “celebrities” that did these top things. I did recognize Jessica Simpson. She had a baby. Top story #6.

My Best Spam Emails (13 votes)

Most of my wordpress spam are spambots remarking on how much they’ve learned from reading my website and like studying my articles, but sometimes these spambots can be downright hurtful.

Gigantic Greeting Cards (2 votes)

This is actually a thing.

Other (7 votes)

My bad habits from A to J – suggested by Wendy of Wendy’s Works.

Significant Udders – suggested by Adam S. of My Right to Bitch.

A book review of the The Secret – suggested by Angie Z. of Childhood Relived

And finally what happened to speakers 1 through 6 – suggested by both Laura of Unlikely Explanations and Jo Eberhardt

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91 comments

    1. Seriously? You didn’t like that B.J. Novak look-alike stock photo guy’s phone conversation with his mom? I punned my ass off right there. That is some punny stuff. See! I did it again. Comedy gold.

      1. What the — I looked at this first thing this morning, and all of the photos were little squares with X’s in them. I take it back, I like Significant Udders the best behind Bad Habits A-J. Go brush your teeth. I can smell your egg beaters through the screen. Fucking brilliant as always!

  1. Pecan Sandies! My mother loved them. I never got it, but had no clue others felt the same way. Oddly, that comforts me. Whew! That was a ramble and a half, wasn’t it? Yeah, leaving now.

  2. Did you notice that the old lady in the Giant Greeting Card picture is holding the card the wrong way? No wonder they’re putting her in a home :)

    LOL at “Farting too wetly”!

    I am going to miss my daily dose of Speaker 7 :( But I do realize the time suck that is posting everyday. (I only did it once!)

    1. Yes, it feels good knowing I can exist today without thinking “What the frackballs am I going to write about tonight?” This means more time devoted to watching shitty Lifetime Movies, and everyone benefits from that.

  3. It is a sad day in BlogHoodLand, where we no longer will have Speaker7 to read, bringing on the first chortle of the day. Yes, I said chortle. Yes, I use that word in actual speeches. Live with it, my kids do. Well done on your month of blogging–admit it, it was more fun than writing some novel.

    Or not.

    1. Yes, this was definitely better than writing a novel because a novel has to connect and make sense. I can’t have one chapter be Santa Claus sucks and then the next chapter on Hugo dating. And that’s what my novel would be. I’m just going to write chortle here because that word is chortlely awesome.

    1. But what if there is something worse than Fifty Shades? I thought Twilight was a sparkly shitheap and now it seems kinda okay in comparison to Fifty Shades. What if there is something out there that will make me think “you know Fifty Shades is pretty decent compared to….” These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. That–and my tiny bladder.

    1. Thanks Sandy, but at some point my daily posts would become painfully unfunny because I can only sustain this so long, and that would put you in awkward position of ignoring my daily post and then I would call you and be like “What did you think of my post today about placemats?” and you would have to lie and say “Oh….yes…..that was…um….funny. My kitchen’s on fire, I’ve got to go!”

  4. To quote the incomparable Pauly D from “Jersey Shore, “Yeaaaaaaa buddy!!!” You did it! A post every day for a month.

    I’m going to celebrate with pecan sandies. C’mon. They’re not that bad.

    1. Holy shit is that true?!?! Oh, right I wrote about that. You were posting this while I was commenting on your blog. It’s like we’re psychically connected. I’m on the horn to Dionne Warwick right now.

  5. YABAFS7P! (Yet Another Brilliant And Funny Speaker7 Post) Thank you, thank you, Speaker7, for spreading some much-needed hilarity in this overly-serious world. I will miss your daily posts, and wait eagerly to read the next (non-daily) ones.

  6. Can you still write about People’s top 10 stories of the year? I don’t want to be bothered having to do it myself, and I’m sure your version would be much more eloquent and comical.

  7. You must follow up some time on Hugo’s dating, once you’ve rested from the post-a-day nightmare. And Goofy. Why does no one ask about Goofy? I’m telling you, there’s a shallow grave in your backyard somewhere with a blue bunny paw sticking out and Hugo’s prints all over it.

  8. Congratulations! I knew you could do it.
    I must say, though, I am really intrigued as to what happened to Speaker 1 – 6. I have always wondered this and more than a little ticked off that I never thought to ask.

  9. Someone once sent me a card so big it cost them $5 to send it. I think he wanted to have sex or something, but it didn’t work.

    Congrats again on getting through it! You deserve a million dollars, or a day off. Whatever.

    1. I’m surprised that didn’t work because who doesn’t love gigantic cards? They’re not at all cumbersome and they’re easy to store. Congrats to you as well. I would like to give you a giant million dollar bill.

  10. Yay Speaker7, 30 funny posts in 30 days-well done! And I think you wrote somewhere that you started your blog last November? If so, Happy Anniversary!!! (If not, Happy NoMoDailyPo!!!)

    1. Thank you. I started my blog Aug. 2011. It will soon be a national holiday like Stick it in the Ear Day. Don’t forget to stock up for your celebration on Dec. 8.

  11. Wow, you published a post every day this month and I didn’t write a single one. What stamina, what fortitude, what masochism. Even when I’m not on hiatus, I don’t think I’ve ever published more than 13 Lame Adventures in a single month and that was years ago. If someone pointed a gun at my head and ordered, “Write a Lame Adventure every day for a month or eat a Pecan Sandy every day,” I’d learn to love Pecan Sandies so fast you’d think I was a Keebler elf … the one clad in black with choice accessories in leather.

    1. I probably won’t do this again. . . unless someone pointed a gun at my head and gave me that pecan sandy choice. I couldn’t do the pecan sandy even in a Keebler gimp outfit.

  12. I carry Pecan Sandies in my emergency kit in my car. If I get stuck in the snow you can put them under your tires for traction. If someone tries to carjack you you can throw them in their face – as effective as throwing rocks. If you are starving in the Andes with a soccer team, you may have to eat them.

  13. Stock photos are great for humorous purposes. Some guy once commented on my blog, mocking my use of stock photos. Apparently he didn’t think that my blog (which features a Paint-edited picture of a fire breathing kitten, mind you) was professional enough.

  14. Congrats on finishing up,Speaker. It was a good run, and I especially liked the Santa Claus and Breaking Dawn posts; thanks to you I can’t watch THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT’S WOMAN without cracking a smile…

    So how’d you deal with the whole “God-I-need-SLEEP” issue by Week 3…?

    1. Sleep has always been something I need so that’s just a constant hum in my head, what was difficult was finding topics to write about, and that’s how one ends up with stock photo models discussing pecan sandies.

  15. Congrats on completing your gargantuan post-a-day challenge. I’m gonna miss not seeing a daily Speaker7 post. How can I eat my breakfast without it??
    As for Top Stories of the Year articles. I hate those. They weren’t that interesting first time round, do we really have to hear about them again?

  16. I can’t believe you made it! I would’ve fallen flat by November 12th. I’m in awe of what you were able to accomplish — in a month (Freshly Pressed) and even in this single blog post (Jessica Simpson, anal leakage).

    RE: The Secret. I’m going to go to sleep tonight thinking of how I wish I was the inventor of the gigantic greeting card and see where that gets me.

    1. Angie – that is a topnotch plan. I seriously think it will work because I went to sleep last night wishing you went to sleep wishing you invented gigantic greeting cards.

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