Hugo is lonely, guys.
He would never publicly admit this, but he has grown tired of making out with his reflection and longs for the touch of a real woman.
I know this because I found Hugo’s profile on Christian Mingle. He used my email address so now I’m receiving daily Bible verses for which I’m ever so grateful. Today’s: For I am the LORD, I change not (Hugo 3:6).
I am aware of some of my readers’ obsession with Hugo’s denim shirt and eyeybrowless face. Maybe you will be the one to mingle with his Christian dingle, if you get my drift.
Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This was the second most popular choice in the what-the-eff-should-I-write-about-in-the-remaining-days poll. Tomorrow it ends. And to celebrate, Speaker7 will make out with Hugo and film it. . . only if she’s drunk enough.
Speaker7,
Fuck you for making me laugh this early.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
You are very welcome.
Speaker7
That profile pic alone was enough – I’m ready to hop into the Hugomobile. I’ll even help with the pedals.
Please know you can’t joke about making videos like that. Or you will break me.
Hugo says he will be outside your house in 15 minutes. He would like you to wait an additional 45 minutes because he likes some lurking time.
Chuckling greatly and what Le Clown said
Thank you. I think Hugo has a real shot of finding happiness.
Awww. What if he finds a pretty half-lady puppet who’s just legs? They could explore the world together.
That is the most beautiful sentiment I have ever heard regarding Hugo.
Perhaps you could do a picture post of you celebrating the end of NaMoBloPo with streamers and paper hats everywhere, as well as millions of empty liquor bottles. Hugo seems better suited to a more pervy site, one where he can say he’s just looking for a “casual” relationship, maybe Plenty of Fish or OK Cupid.
You mean Christian Mingle isn’t pervy? I just like saying “mingle.”
That’s okay. I just like saying pervy.
As for your new SEO hits, you’re quite welcome Speaker 7. Pervy potato coming right up…
There should be a Pervy Mingles. Desperately seeking puppets. Or lawn mowers. Or ponies.
Deperately Seeking Puppets! Alice, you are a genius! Can I have that? Do I owe you money if I use it?
I offer it free o’ charge.
I’m just going to say pervy and mingle because those words are excellent.
It’s no coincidence that his name is almost all Hug…
And yet he’s conservative with his hugs. He’s such an enigma.
I could be into Hugo but the stalking bit is kinda creepy. Although every hour sounds manageable!
He’s a pretty quiet lurker. It’s not at all distracting.
Back in the 80s, I met a guy whose favorite activity was lurking. It turns out that it was his full time career as well. Do what you love, they say.
And love what you do.
I can’t believe he lied about his eye color. I thought he was honest to the depths of his, well, he’s a puppet. I guess there’s not a lot of depth.
He wears colored contacts.
I will try and comment when I start breathing again from laughing so hard and clean up the mess I made from spitting my coffee all over the computer.
I’m sorry if your computer is damaged. Hugo said to make it up to you, he will lurk outside your bathroom window tonight.
I can’t wait to see the film of you making out with Hugo! He deserves a good make-out after impersonating CG for so long!
I’m afraid he’s going to do a lot of tongue thrusting and hair fisting just like CG.
Hahaha! Oh my goodness, that is quite the image!
Hugo has a dingle? I thought he was missing below the waist… Either way, I hope he finds love.
Hugo’s very touch about this, but he does own a few adjustable parts.
Like a Mr. Potato Head, huh? That can have its advantages.
I have a twenty five dollar gift card to Applebee’s..
It seems like it was meant to be.
So Hugo likes the Teletubbies? Has he been stalking Laa-Laa? I heard she filed a restraining order. I absolutely love the dating survey. Why do I think I’d get a Hugo if I were to step out into the dating world again? Oh, and you should have added that a hobby of his is collecting hair samples.
I bet Sad Pony would have suitors chomping at the bit for him. Or not.
Maybe not on Christian mingle for Sad Pony, but he might have luck on Match.com
That does seem a better fit for an imaginary depressed pony.
Just the profile questions are confusing. Vague much? I think “what the fuck?” would have been an appropriate response on many of them.
Maybe it’s a Christian thing? Or a mingle thing?
I wouldn’t say what Le Clown says because I don’t know you like he does — I’ll just say, that I just about cried laughing and ran my mascara right off reading this! You are hilarious, wicked! Yay!
Thanks so much and you are welcome to f-bomb in the comments.
I love Hugo’s mentality and politics. If only all men could be so dreamy.
This was a brilliant idea, for Hugo’s sake.
I liked how he freely admits his love for lip balm. It’s surprising how chapped your lips get from lurking.
It’s all that licking when you’ve got a lot of time to kill.
I’ve already told Mr. Weebles it’s over so that I can be with Hugo. Tell him I’ve been moisturizing my skin like crazy. I saw Silence of the Lambs, I know what’s up.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and puts the lotion in the basket.
I think him using my skin as a dress is actually quite resourceful. I like that in a man.
I like that he’s not into labels.
Best introduction ever.
I think it will inspire others to really put themselves out there.
I would gladly date him, but his lack of eyebrows is too sexy. I don’t want to get pregnant.
There’s a real risk in that happening. His non eyebrows are very potent.
WIll the dress he makes out of my skin be for me or for him?
You know, Hugo’s very open minded. It would probably be for whoever wanted to wear it out.
I don’t think we are the same size – also I have legs
For the love of piss that is brilliant!
Thank you and that is now becoming my favorite expression.
I had no idea Hugo was Christian. Alas, we can never be. Damn you religion. :/
Hugo is not really a Christian per say. He’s more of a cult figure so he’s open to all religions as long as you give up your soul and mind to him.
I’m worried about you getting drunk around Hugo, Speaker7. If you pass out, you might wake up all bedazzled and with spaghetti straps!
I’m worried to. We’ve ended up having the best conversations after a few glasses of wine and then it dawns on me…I’m talking to a puppet. That can’t be good.
Hugo is 42? He looks so… so… youthful. I was thinking he was barely legal. Hmmm. It was probably the lack of eyebrows. Works for redheads. (Did I really just write that? Sorry. No offense, ginger-balls. Nuts, did it again. :/ )
Hugo has aged very well. I think it comes from being stuffed in a plastic bag from 1978-2010.
That would have been during his chronic-tanning/chain-smoking/copious-alcohol-drinking days, right?
My favorite part- Favourite movie: toy story. lol. So funny! The scary pervy sex jokes were of course wonderful too.
Hugo was trying for “charming”
Online dating is all about sending pics of your genitalia to prospective lovers. Can Hugo do this? If not, he’s dead in the water.
Hmmm…Hugo has said I need to pick up a giant zucchini and a role of duct tape from the store.
Can I sign up if I’m not Christian?
I would think such an amazing site would make one convert solely to mingle with those singles.
I always knew he was too good for me.
hahaha…I want to see you on tape making out with Hugo….puppet porn!!
I think it goes beyond porn into something so disturbing a camera wouldn’t be unable to capture it.
I thought I was enough for you Hugo. Twice as much as you needed. Sigh.
You should know that a creepy half-man puppet is never satisfied. He always seeks out more and more. I tried to warn everybody.
I cannot stop. Stop me. Every day its fucking funny! *Height* –> el oh el
It’s okay to be obsessed with Hugo. Most people are.
Huh. I always pegged Hugo for an Olive Garden kind of guy.
You would think because of the unlimited breadsticks, but he really likes the Applebee’s slop bucket.