An Oldie But Goodie – Santa Claus is Kind of a Dick

Dearest Reader,

What you are reading is a recycled post. I crafted this homage to Santa Claus’s dickery back before the iPhone 5 was invented, Beyonce still had a baby inside her uterus and Hugo was trapped in a box in the basement. 

Where has the time gone? For those who are reading this for a second time, thanks for following me since November 2011. For my new followers, my archives are full of such gems including one that has a picture of Richard Simmons wearing a pom-pom tank top. 

And a special thanks to all who voted for this choice in the What-the-blazes-should-I-write-about-for-the-last-three-installments-of-NaBloWriMo poll. I love you too.

The claymation masterpiece Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was something a young Speaker7 looked forward to watching every Christmas. Then she got older, lost her looks, gained a hair in her neck, and discovered a truth:

Santa Claus is a dick.

And a bigot.

And kind of an asshole.

His behavior throughout the entire show is deplorable. Santa does not have the best reaction when he catches sight of Rudolph without the prosthetic brown nose Donner makes him wear.

The subtext is clear: you better be a conformist brown-noser. This opens up the poor little reindeer to taunts and ridicule and his expulsion from all the reindeer games. Santa does nothing to discourage the bullying, and in fact seems to revel in it, holding onto his disgusting jelly belly as he laughs and laughs.

So what choice does Rudolph have, but to leave the home he’s only known and travel to New York City where differences are not just accepted, they’re completely ignored.

He meets Ratso Rizzo with the hope that Ratso can help him become a hustler. He meets up with Hermey who has also been ostracized for his unwillingness to work in Santa’s sweatshop.

Together the two travel to the Island of Misfit Toys where toys that did not meet Santa’s standards are sent to die. You know who Santa’s beginning to sound like right? Yeah, I’m going to say it…Martha Stewart. She is a dick.

Rudolph ekes out a living in the wilderness and a few months later decides to return home. He arrives in the middle of a blizzard. Santa is flipping out that he won’t be able to perform his one-day a year job, and talks about canceling Christmas Eve. Santa then has a brilliant idea.

So everything is now hunky dory because the freak reindeer can actually be useful. Great message, Santa. Well done.

Dick.

About these ads

55 comments

  1. Omg, that is so hilarious um horrible! I have always hated those claymation specials they show every single freakin’ year cause they’re “classics.” Classic crap. I remember Rudolf and that stupid elf both had such annoying voices you wanted to hit them, though not as hard as Santa, who I’m pretty sure must be a Republican. Have you seen the parody where they go on a homicidal rampage? I have to try to find that again.

  2. Pretty sure that Dick Santa, that thieving tooth fairy, and the nutjob Easter rabbit all hang out, get pissed on eggnog, kick babies, and bet on dog fights. And smoke cigars. All bad guys smoke cigars.

  3. It teaches an important lesson, though, about shunning those who are different until they prove themselves useful! I’d like to think there’s a sequel, when he’s shunned again. “I’m ready to guide the sleigh, guys!” “Is it foggy? No? Well then fuck off with you there, freakshow!”

    Although it is kind of reasonable to not want to get too close to someone who has a body part that actually GLOWS.

  4. Claymation Rudolph was one of my favorites as a child too. Now I can’t stand watching it.

    In fact, a lot of the shows I enjoyed as a child are complete rubbish. What was I thinking?

  5. We do a Mystery Science Theater 3K commentary of these shows every year when they come on TV. The best one to mock, besides the original Rudolph, is “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year”. Or is it “The Year Without Santa Claus”? Either way, good holiday memories. Please pass the eggnog.

      1. Well, if by “good” you mean you enjoy seeing Rudy looking for another freak, a New Year’s baby with ears like Dumbo’s, to save him from something that’s a cross between the vulture from THE GIANT CLAW and Zero Mostel, then maybe-kinda…

  6. I can’t pretend to like Rudolph or Santa. Charlie Brown Christmas kicks ass, and there is no other Christmas special worth my time.

    P.S. Please tell me that after this is month is over, you will go back to only posting a couple of times a week. I need lazy bloggers on my blogroll.

  7. Santa IS a dick, he is definitely not getting the good chocolate chips in his Tollhouse cookies this year. Glad I voted for this post!

  8. He’s just misunderstood! And you can’t really blame him for being a dick, he always has been. It was the people who made him out to be this jolly ol’ fat bastard who loves everyone…

  9. Thank you for this re-post. My kids ask me too many questions about this show when they see it. I never know how to answer and can only mumble “Martha Stewart” under my breath. Now, I have a full post of explanation when their tender ears are ready for the truth.

    1. Your kids should love this. Most kids thorougly enjoy when you say “Santa is a dick” or I hope that’s the case when I make the announcement to a group of kindergartners tomorrow.

  10. Holy shit, I’m laughing so hard. The part about not fitting into the master race KILLED me. I am now taking my stalking of you up to a Level 6.

    Promise me you’ll post more old stories.

  11. Oh frick if this isn’t an oldie-goodie. I remember I’d never laughed harder at anything with abortion as a punchline in my entire life. This is post perfection and is still among my favorites ever.

  12. You know, I always viewed this particular gem as the mildly distasteful hors d’oeuvre that had to be swallowed to get to the main course in the Christmas dysfunction feast, namely the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Is it apparent only to me that the character is a pedophile?

  13. OOooh, I have to find this for my children so that they too can be permanently mentally scarred. Everyone needs a good dose of creepy Christmas movies when they’re growing up. For some reason, for years, the nightmarish show, “HR Puff n’ Stuff was always aired before Christmas lunch. How is that even relevant? But then again, Sara Draws does say that we don’t have Christmas in Australia. Maybe she’s right! Jen

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s