Christmas Crap-a-looza

Another Black Friday has come and gone.

Maybe you weren’t able to pummel someone in the face to get your hands on a $4.99 version of this:

Does it make sense that the model is not wearing her hair in a ponytail?

And for that I’m truly sorry.

But there still are some great deals to be had. And they’re all conveniently located in one spot: The LTD Commodities catalog!

Recently I received mine in the mail, and picked out my favorites, which I cut out and mailed ransom-note-style to Santa. I made it quite clear if I don’t receive these items, I will cut his bowl-full-of-jelly belly.

But I wasn’t just thinking of myself, I was thinking of you, and I wanted to share my knowledge to help you find the perfect present for that acquaintance you got stuck with in the secret santa drawing or a “loved” one.

What do you get for the man in your life or total stranger coworker who enjoys sitting on a tree stump to drink his coffee, but thinks outerwear is too cumbersome?

Men’s Performance Thermal Sets.

Maybe the man in your life or total stranger coworker is more of an indoorsy sort.

Have you ever witnessed a loved one or random coworker bite into an egg sandwich and just get the bread. And the loved one or random coworker was like “Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkkk!!!!!!! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Well, life just got better for this person. I give you…The Microegg™:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker likes to hunt, but does poorly because he covers his shaving accidents with Dora the Explorer band-aids.

This person desperately needs these:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is more of a brainiac type who enjoys puzzles and boring you with facts about Star Trek convention hook-ups.

Then The Ultimate Book of Optical Illusions is the ultimate gift of ultimateness.

Maybe your loved or random coworker is a girl and finds tools all icky and hurty-like because “ow…my manicure.”

Then there’s this:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is football fan, but not just a normal fan–one who borders on obsessive. Like when his team plays, he doesn’t just paint his face, he paints his balls in his team colors, and you know this and you die a little every day.

Then get this person this:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is filled with pep and zing, always cheering your minor accomplishments like your ability to do a number 2 in the workplace.

Get back at this person with this:

Yup. You might know someone who would actually put this in his house and that’s okay because someone has to, I guess.

The boot lamp.

Maybe your loved one or coworker is really stressed out and stressed for time so this is the perfect combo gift:

Or maybe your loved one or random coworker is someone you don’t know very well so you just go ahead and get something Christmas-related because what the fuck else are you going to buy.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). She wrote this post in the dim light of her cowboy boot lamp. 

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97 comments

      1. How can I hate when you came up with the perfect comeback. I only have love. It makes me want to sit on a tree stump in my thermal unitard and applaud.

  1. When you get to be as old as I am, you will start getting the “truss catalogues” which feature, among other things, a dazzling array of the aforementioned hernia support devices, as well as incontinence products for every need and marital aids for the mature set. And no. I am not making this up.

      1. I’m finding it hard to imagine these as marital aids, unless of course, they are to be used to put on an erotic shadow show of some sort.

  2. Speaker7,
    You know, these are all great. But. They do nothing for my one-ab. All of these super tight spandex jerseys just press on my magnificent™ one-ab. I need something that will allow my belly to float freely, not feeling the pressure of social stigma. Please help me find something that my one-ab can be proud of…
    Le Clown

  3. My random coworker, whom I do not know very well,will be so happy I got inspired by you! Out with the homemade biscuits, chocolates and nut-rolls (I assumed everybody likes sweets) and in with the pink tool set. “Pink Tool” is also a great nickname…

    1. Make sure you explain what the tools are. Even though it’s pink and looks inedible, she may try to eat them because of being a girl and tee-hee and math is hard.

  4. I should hope the lady tools are extra light because of ladies’ kitten-weak arms. And the pink is, indeed, important, to keep women from picking up a tool and turning insta-lesbian. It’s a scientific fact I got from Todd Akin’s website.

    1. You get all your science from Todd Akin too? That’s great. Unfortunately, he’s leaving so I’ll have to get my science fix somewhere else…maybe Pat Robertson’s 700 club?

  5. I love this so much and only wish you had seen the awesome ad I spotted in the airline catalog (and immediately thought of you) for a big plastic neck device that allows you to sleep sitting up! (And for $5 you can get a scarf that wraps around the huge apparatus so …nobody will know that something is holding up your chin!) I loved the bean pants. Wow … so many gifts, so little taste!!!

  6. I will not admit that I have a pink tool belt that will fit those pink tools really well. No, I won’t. You can’t make me.

  7. I love that catalog. It is the best catalog EVER. (If you are looking for ridiculous random items or toxic toys not available in the US— you know, because of the lead content!) Are you supposed to use both of those massagers at the same time? I would think that would exacerbate whatever ache you were trying to rid yourself of.

  8. I literally stared at the ponytail hat image in my reader for, not kidding you, a whole minute out of my life because the girl didn’t have a ponytail that I could see. Unless there is some new style of full ringlets in the front with all the back pulled up. Either way I was relieved when I clicked your post to see that you noticed it, too. Well you noticed it before me, but I would be lying if I said I was anything less than confused.

      1. I know! I can understand Calvin Klein as that man loves nudity and underwear and perfumes/colognes you cannot see with the naked eye. But Aber&Fitch? It’s all about sex sex sex. Who needs clothes when girls, boys and gays alike will flock like birds into the store for the sex appeal alone?

  9. Those are Christian Grey’s pajama bottoms, right? Do they have an easy open crotch so that his peen can go SPROING? Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve actually seen someone wear those stupid gloves. It’s like having little heads on the ends of your fingers. Delightful.

  10. I want the spirit fingers and I’ll even wear them while using my pink hammer that I intend on bludgeoning santa claus with. He thinks he’s getting milk and cookies. Ha.

  11. Wow -thanks so much! Now I’ve got all the total stranger and random co-workers on my list covered. But what about the “slightly acquainted because she’s always hitting me up for donations for other total stranger and random co-workers’ baby/wedding/retirement gift” co-worker?

  12. My father would be all over the boot lamp – it would go with his velvet Rottweiler paintings. I also want to know exactly WHAT performance those thermals are going to perform so I can get tickets for the Sunday matinee on the stump. Please send me 1-10 of everything. I might go psycho if I don’t have pom-poms on my fingers.

      1. He also has one of the “The Duke” – if my family did not know who The Mercenary Researcher was – I’d have some fucking HILARIOUS posts about my father – but alas – I would not go over well with the family… just know he has the most hideous taste going…. he displays a DIRTY 20+ PLASTIC water pitcher (from the dollar bin) on a display shelf AS IF IT’S FINE CHINA. Then he’ll possibly give you water out of it after he’s given some to the non-velvet rottweilers.

  13. Someone actually gave me one of those ladies’ tool kits for Christmas once (I’d just bought a house and mentioned that I wanted tools). It wasn’t pink, but all the tools were tiny and flimsy. Also, it said it was something like a 50-piece set, and 45 or so of those pieces turned out to be nails.

  14. Oh no. The first thing that came to mind when I saw the ponytail hat was, “Hey! Good idea!” It’s not good. But I wear a lot of buns/ponytails and it IS a bitch to keep warm. Hats crush that shit! I’m hoping these become trendy and not ridiculous so I can be happy. Until then, I’ll continue with my Roots Canada headband circa 1998. I can’t win.

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