I saw Breaking Dawn 2 last night and it was soooooooooo good.
Full disclosure: I have not seen this movie.
I wore my Team Sparkleballs T-shirt and purchased a giant box of Good & Plenty, which I instantly Twilightized.
I made a few predictions before the movie started:
- actors will look seriously at one another while breathing heavily out of their mouths
- Taylor Lautner will appear shirtless
- Kristen Stewart will eat her hair at some point
- Robert Pattinson will look constipated
And it begins….Bella Swan Cullen, fresh off her breakin’ pop ‘n lock victory where she popped out a kid by breaking every bone in her body, has brown hair.
Edward Cullen also has brown hair. It sticks straight up.
Bella has changed. Her friend Ozone notices when he stops by to give her the heartbreaking news that Miracles, the community center, is going to be bull-dozed by the city and redeveloped.
Bella says she’s still the same down girl who rocked the street crowds back in the day.
Bella wants to save the community center. So does her friend Jacob because he is destined to be with Bella’s young daughter. This is the thing where adult werewolf men “imprint” on baby girls in the manner of a dog “imprinting” on its territory and they’re going to eventual copulate, and that is in no way gross, right?
See Turbo gets it.
Then the movie gets really interesting. The developer is also a vampire and he dresses like Meryl Streep’s character in The French Lieutenant’s Woman.
So Bella, Edward, Ozone and Turbo get together all their friends to put on a show to raise money to stop the developer.
Now I don’t want to give the ending away, but let’s just say Edward does a mean dolphin, which is surprising since he’s made out of marble.
All in all, an epic romp filled with inexplicable dance montages and weird running. I give it 3 vampire baseballs*
*this rating system does not existDearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). If you have any suggestions that don’t involve actually watching anything Twilight-related, please leave them in the comments.
Ozone never said “Dawg.” I think that was Randy Jackson. But he did forget to zip his pants once. Oh, wait. Now you know my secret. I have seen Electric Boogaloo about 10 times.
I’ll admit to seeing it a few times a long, long, long time ago. My one memory is Turbo dancing with a broom. That happened, right?
It did. And he got hit by a car, and some little kid was called Poppin Taco. In real life.
This has just piqued my interest in watching it again–only to see Poppin Taco. The full-length movie is available on youtube.
That is truly unfortunate. Both that you must see it and that you will have to leave some kind of paper trail in order to do it. Poppin Taco was the little tiny one with the freshest moves.
Well, my wife loves the twilight-series (please, kill me) so I’m going to have to suffer through it soon enough – when it becomes “available for home viewing”, that is.
But, now after reading this review. I actually don’t think it’s that bad! A black vampire called Turbo saving the local community center? That’s like a mix between Blade, The Matrix, Twilight and Ali G Indahouse!
You’ve sparked my interest*. Thank you.
* It better not be disappointing, because in my countwy 3 vampire baseballs is a very high-score.
The vampire baseball rating system isn’t standardized so it means very different things in other countries. Here it means “suckfest”
So that means “awesome”, right? Since it’s a vampire-movie, and all…
Ooh…good point. I should have written “shitballs”
Al right, in that case… Please, kill me, before it’s too late…
The husband routinely attends fabric sales with me and discreetly cries if Love Actually or Toy Story 3 comes on cable, but he puts his foot down over over squeally vampirnography. Sigh…he does not understand all that glitters….actually neither do I.
I don’t get it either. They seem so boring and pale and blah. I want to see Toy Story 3.
Kevin Smith referred to it as Schindlers Toybox. It’s that sad….
Okay, so I should not watch this during my tonsillectomy recovery.
Oh, no!
Toy Story 3 is awesome.
Schindler’s Toybox? Nooooooooooooooo
It’s always good to start depressing your children early!
“Twilightized” means you put glitter on it? XD
Of course. Or it could mean lobotomized.
True
Thank you for this. Now, I don’t have to even pretend I saw the movie, I can just quote you!!
Just say “I really liked the dancing.”
Groovy.
“The developer is also a vampire and he dresses like Meryl Streep’s character in The French Lieutenant’s Woman.”
That right there was worth the price of admission…
I really think the director missed a golden opportunity to combine the major plot points of Breakin’ 2 with Breakin’ Dawn.
This has to be better than the actual movie. I only watched the first one, for some reason. Bella stares. Edward stares. Bella stares. Edward looks constipated (you are so right there) and vomits up his lines. Bella mumbles and stutters. Although the scene where he’s gnawing on Bella’s arm like it’s a chicken leg is worth the price of the rental.
I watched the first one too. I felt like Edward afterwards.
I could barely get past the “Kristin Stewart eats her hair” line. I got a hair stuck in my throat yesterday (seriously) and I think leprosy would have been more pleasant.
I can only imagine how ack-like that was. Cats look like it’s extremely unpleasant and they’re used to it.
French Lieutenant’s Woman – priceless!
That’s all I could think of when I saw the Breakin’ Dawn trailer.
It was perfect! That shot…just perfect!
My girl crush on you just keeps getting stronger—you like Good & Plenty! I love the phrase “fresh off her breakin’ pop ‘n lock victory.” Was there any step dancing in the dance routines? Because a line of vampires doing Irish step dancing would make me weep with joy,
I hope this doesn’t chip away at your soul, but I actually don’t like Good & Plenty. I do like Jujyfruit and black licorice if that redeems me. Most of the dancing was crunkin.
You don’t like Good & Plenty? You wound me deeply. And to think I was in the middle of constructing a Speaker7 Shrine.
Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will try them again and see if I can get them down this time without dry heaving.
For some inexplicable reason I have watched all the Twilight movies – it’s the same car crash mentality that compelled me to read all three 50 shades books. I may skip Breaking Dawn 2 – you’ve covered it all. Thanks for the brain save.
You are very welcome. I only saw the first Twilight movie and it made the book seem interesting–that’s how dullsville I found it to be.
Thank you for this insightful review of a film you have not seen that I have no intention to see. Earlier this year I did see “The French Lieutenant’s Woman” again when it popped up on PBS. I had read John Fowles’ novel back in the 70s and I had seen the film when it was originally released, but it was very stale in my mind all these years later. I must say, it’s still very good. Meryl Streep, as always, was terrific and I forgot how handsome Jeremy Irons was when he was young. Then again, I am a lesbian and you might think he looks like a pothole.
Meryl Streep should just be in all movies. I think she could actually make the Twilight movies good.
I think you’re right.
OMG I would so buy a Team Sparkleballs T-shirt.
Have I come up with the next marketing juggernaut? I better trademark that stat.
If the movie was actually like this, I might actually go watch it. Have you thought about a career in screenwriting?
I think I might have a knack for movie reviewing.
No matter how much you hate Twilight, it’s not as much as R-Patz – this montage is great, you will gain much respect for him that you’d never think possible!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/donnad/no-one-hates-twilight-as-much-as-robert-pattinso
This completely explains his performance in the first one. I’ve never seen the others, but I can imagine he looks just as pained.
I’m really glad that this is bullshit and that you haven’t seen the movie because I’m going in an hour with my daughter. You shouldn’t be poking fun at Twilight anyways. Jacob and Edward rock!!
You will sincerely enjoy the break-dancing montage.
The movie was awesome.
Oh I really want to see this movie! Do you have a video function on your mobile phone? You could go to the local park and record the opening scenes!
So you are saying that I should realize my dream and make the real Breakin’ Dawn 2: Electric Boogaloo?
Absolutely! I’d pay to see that
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I hope those vampire (base)balls are sparkly.
If not, I want my money back.
Of course they’re sparkly. They’re coated in vampire fairy dust.
I cackled when I got to the Turbo part. “That shit is whack.”
Turbo just totally gets it.
That is a million times better than the real story. Thank you for ensuring I don’t have to see the movie. You’ve done a great service for america today!
I feel some medal is in order.
Something like the medal of honor – putting yourself in harm’s way to protect others.
We’ll call it the Medal of Dying Brain Cells – killing yours to help others keep theirs.
Wait — does that really happen, with the werewolf and the baby? Ewww.
Yes….*slams head into table*
I really think you people need to stop making fun of Twilight, it’s deep and it’s emotionally intense, and it actually has a really good social message.
I mean did you see the ending, where even the developer has tears in his eyes and admits that the community center will make people happier than the shopping mall. Community wins over consumerism. That is just deep.
Please tell me that the developer does some kind of break dance solo because that would be amazing.