Speaker7 Reviews Breakin’ Dawn 2: Electric Boogaloo

I saw Breaking Dawn 2 last night and it was soooooooooo good.

Full disclosure: I have not seen this movie.

I wore my Team Sparkleballs T-shirt and purchased a giant box of Good & Plenty, which I instantly Twilightized.

I made a few predictions before the movie started:

  • actors will look seriously at one another while breathing heavily out of their mouths
  • Taylor Lautner will appear shirtless
  • Kristen Stewart will eat her hair at some point
  • Robert Pattinson will look constipated

And it begins….Bella Swan Cullen, fresh off her breakin’ pop ‘n lock victory where she popped out a kid by breaking every bone in her body, has brown hair.

Edward Cullen also has brown hair. It sticks straight up.

Bella has changed. Her friend Ozone notices when he stops by to give her the heartbreaking news that Miracles, the community center, is going to be bull-dozed by the city and redeveloped.

Bella says she’s still the same down girl who rocked the street crowds back in the day.

Bella wants to save the community center. So does her friend Jacob because he is destined to be with Bella’s young daughter. This is the thing where adult werewolf men “imprint” on baby girls in the manner of a dog “imprinting” on its territory and they’re going to eventual copulate, and that is in no way gross, right?

See Turbo gets it.

Then the movie gets really interesting. The developer is also a vampire and he dresses like Meryl Streep’s character in The French Lieutenant’s Woman. 

So Bella, Edward, Ozone and Turbo get together all their friends to put on a show to raise money to stop the developer.

Now I don’t want to give the ending away, but let’s just say Edward does a mean dolphin, which is surprising since he’s made out of marble.  

All in all, an epic romp filled with inexplicable dance montages and weird running. I give it 3 vampire baseballs*

*this rating system does not exist

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). If you have any suggestions that don’t involve actually watching anything Twilight-related, please leave them in the comments.

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66 comments

      1. That is truly unfortunate. Both that you must see it and that you will have to leave some kind of paper trail in order to do it. Poppin Taco was the little tiny one with the freshest moves.

  1. Well, my wife loves the twilight-series (please, kill me) so I’m going to have to suffer through it soon enough – when it becomes “available for home viewing”, that is.

    But, now after reading this review. I actually don’t think it’s that bad! A black vampire called Turbo saving the local community center? That’s like a mix between Blade, The Matrix, Twilight and Ali G Indahouse!

    You’ve sparked my interest*. Thank you.

    * It better not be disappointing, because in my countwy 3 vampire baseballs is a very high-score.

  2. The husband routinely attends fabric sales with me and discreetly cries if Love Actually or Toy Story 3 comes on cable, but he puts his foot down over over squeally vampirnography. Sigh…he does not understand all that glitters….actually neither do I.

  3. “The developer is also a vampire and he dresses like Meryl Streep’s character in The French Lieutenant’s Woman.”

    That right there was worth the price of admission…

  4. This has to be better than the actual movie. I only watched the first one, for some reason. Bella stares. Edward stares. Bella stares. Edward looks constipated (you are so right there) and vomits up his lines. Bella mumbles and stutters. Although the scene where he’s gnawing on Bella’s arm like it’s a chicken leg is worth the price of the rental.

  5. My girl crush on you just keeps getting stronger—you like Good & Plenty! I love the phrase “fresh off her breakin’ pop ‘n lock victory.” Was there any step dancing in the dance routines? Because a line of vampires doing Irish step dancing would make me weep with joy,

    1. I hope this doesn’t chip away at your soul, but I actually don’t like Good & Plenty. I do like Jujyfruit and black licorice if that redeems me. Most of the dancing was crunkin.

  6. For some inexplicable reason I have watched all the Twilight movies – it’s the same car crash mentality that compelled me to read all three 50 shades books. I may skip Breaking Dawn 2 – you’ve covered it all. Thanks for the brain save.

  7. Thank you for this insightful review of a film you have not seen that I have no intention to see. Earlier this year I did see “The French Lieutenant’s Woman” again when it popped up on PBS. I had read John Fowles’ novel back in the 70s and I had seen the film when it was originally released, but it was very stale in my mind all these years later. I must say, it’s still very good. Meryl Streep, as always, was terrific and I forgot how handsome Jeremy Irons was when he was young. Then again, I am a lesbian and you might think he looks like a pothole.

  8. I’m really glad that this is bullshit and that you haven’t seen the movie because I’m going in an hour with my daughter. You shouldn’t be poking fun at Twilight anyways. Jacob and Edward rock!! :-P

      1. Something like the medal of honor – putting yourself in harm’s way to protect others.

        We’ll call it the Medal of Dying Brain Cells – killing yours to help others keep theirs.

  9. I really think you people need to stop making fun of Twilight, it’s deep and it’s emotionally intense, and it actually has a really good social message.
    I mean did you see the ending, where even the developer has tears in his eyes and admits that the community center will make people happier than the shopping mall. Community wins over consumerism. That is just deep.

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