I am moving soon.
Yesterday, I spent a good eight hours climbing up and down an attic ladder, hauling boxes delightfully decorated in mouse feces.
It made me realize two things:
1) I should work out more.
2) I have too much shit.
There were things I placed in that attic eight years ago that should have had a home in a beautiful ocean garbage patch.
Things like:
Why was I saving this? Was I planning to bring it as a date to my son’s future wedding?
Maybe.
But he had to go. He was a beautiful gift bestowed by two very good friends at my bachelorette party. They gave this to me after my adamant declaration that if a stripper appeared within a 100 feet of me, I would immediately set myself on fire.
They got me a historical reenactor instead. That is actually worse, but that is a story for another post.
There was a box of wigs (?), a relic from my Dolly Parton phase? Underneath the wigs was a dead mouse. I washed my hands for 15 minutes while I yelped and hopped up and down and did a few break dance moves.
There was this:
An heirloom for my future grandchildren per chance?
I had trouble figuring out what this was exactly. Hugo tried to help:
I wished it was a turd. It was actually a partially melted cat candle.
But it was actually topped by this:
I don’t know. I don’t know. It seems like something I would never buy or make, but did I buy or make it? That is a mystery.
The cellar is next. I hope my thighmaster® turns up.
Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the fourteenth post. Tomorrow she turns forty. Cheesus cripes on a turd-like cat candle.
Speaker7 
Oh dear. Moving. We just moved my mother-in-law from an apartment to an assisted living facility. The amount of crap she had accumulated was overwhelming.
Now we have her crap in addition to all of ours.
Matches. That’s the only answer.
Yes. That is the perfect solution.
I love how you followd your “I have too much shit” immediately after your mention of mouse feces.
Looks like you found yourself some fabulous birthday presents. Happy birthday for tomorrow.
I’m thinking the cat candle will go on the cake.
Moving is the worst. I have to do it in 6 months and I am not looking forward to it. Good luck!
Once I do this, i’m never moving again. Even if the house disappears, I will live in my Santa sculpture.
I’m not quite convinced that “thing” is actually a cat candle.
Moving sucks, especially if you’re lazy/a procrastinator like me. Good luck!
It has glasses smooshed onto its cat-like face. On second thought it could have been a Real Housewife.
You said the ‘M’ word. Curse you! Nothing is worse in the world than the M word, even turning 40.
What about turning 40 during a move?
Give it up. Life is over. Just start cursing now–you’ll feel better afterward.
Oh the things one finds in the far corners of the attic. Once you hit the basement and find your old “Thighmaster”, I’ll lend you my husband’s “Perfect Pushups” and then you’ll be all set. They are cluttering up our bedroom anyway. As if he uses them.
I also have an ab roller somewhere. I’m going to start my 40s totally buff.
I think if we ever move again, we should just leave everything behind. Easier that way. We have SO much crap. I was cleaning the pantry a while back and found stuff that had expired BEFORE our last move, meaning that we brought it with us from the old house when it was already too old to eat. WTF.
I thought the same thing, Hugo. What is that? And mice – ugh, we had those at the old house. Not afraid to say they freak me the hell out. Why does Disney make them so cute? They aren’t cute.
I love that you transported old food. It will make me feel better when I do the same thing.
My great-aunt once gave us a beef tenderloin. We were never worthy enough to actually eat it, but the thing made three moves with us. We finally said goodbye this summer when our refrigerator died for good. I miss that beef.
That is such a sad story. I’m wondering if I’ll move my half-full tub of mini cheese puffs that’s been collecting ice in my freezer for three years.
We are moving soon. Actually, that’s not quite true; we are going to be homeless transients soon. Our house is sold, but we haven’t signed a contract because the guy keeps changing the terms, not a good sign, especially not in an area that was just hit by a hurricane… I hate this guy. He’s been such a pain in the ass every step of the process, so our search for a house continues, even though supposedly our offer was accepted six weeks ago. I’m sure my in-laws can’t wait for us to move into their house, especially since we’re such a quiet peaceful bunch… Sorry, but I’m not anonymous enough to rant about this on my own blog.
Gah. Now that I’ve read this, I will know to don rubber gloves before I venture into my attic.
Ugh. That sounds horrible. We might be moving in with my parents too. The owners of the house we bought didn’t want to be kicked during the holiday season. Since the holiday season starts in August, I guess we’re screwed until Jan. 2.
I love/hate finding old junk that I have no recollection of accumulating. It’s like psychoanalysis for your past self.
My junk shows I was one cat scultpure away from being a cat lady.
Moving sucks. Tomorrow you turn 40? Have a big bonfire and burn stuff in celebration.
That is a fantastic suggestion!
You got a historical reenactor for your bachelorette party? That. Is. AWESOME. I’m weird enough to really dig something like that. But it’s good that you got rid of the lifesize cutout because you know Hugo has to be your date to your son’s wedding.
My friends hired a historical reenactor due to my intense dislike of historical reenactments. The guy showed up in a tuxedo, playing a violin and doing Star Trek lines. I was confused about the time period he was trying to represent.
Moving is seriously one of the worst things on earth. I think landlords conspire to make it difficult and expensive so that we stay put like squatters for the rest of our lives.
Also, what the HELL is that second thing?
Going through this experience explains so much about Hoarders. I always think why would they continue to live in that house? Because of the the shittiness that is moving obviously.
That is a partially melted cat candle. I swear.
Madame Weebles said it- having a historical re-enactor at your bachelorette party is awesome! Was it a Civil War soldier, by any chance? Or one of those bonnet-wearing butter-churning ladies from a Pioneer Life exhibition? Ooh, I bet it was a rioter from the 1969 Haymarket Affair!
It was horrifying. It didn’t help that i had downed a couple sangrias before so I was completely disoriented. The guy was dressed in a tux so…..the um 2000s?
My life goal so far is to not accumulate crap (I know, I aim high).
My grandma did it, my mom is doing it, and I am scared to death that I am doomed to do it. It’s in my blood.
Who wants to have a bonfire?! Hugo is invited.
That is a very worthy life goal.
You know how some people told you how awful it would be to get your tonsils out but I didn’t? That was nice of me. That being said, Ilovemoving.
Whatever happened with your tonsils?
Moving is fun! With a capital SUCKS.
My tonsils are still intact, but will be removed by an actual doctor in December.
I like arranging things and getting rid of things. Not things like melted mouse candles, cat candles but perhaps a paint it yourself Santa?
“There were things I placed in that attic eight years ago that should have had a home in a beautiful ocean garbage patch.” – I have some things that should join your shit there! The last time I moved I vowed it would be my last. I got all this crap up on my mountain and I ain’t takin’ it back down! BTW – congrats on being FP – well deserved!
Thanks! It’s a great honor to be recognized for gonorrhea tonsils.
A unique honor indeed.
Give me a mouse or rat any day….and I won’t even feel the urgent need to wash my hands. A large spider, however, will have me doing dance moves you’ve never seen before or ever want to see again.
I’m envisioning a new dance workout video empire.
Picture a combination of yoga, ninja and gangnum style. I’d buy it. 😛
Every few years when I do a big purge of the crap I’ve “allegedly” accumulated in my thumbnail sized sanctum sanctorum, like you, I find stuff that I don’t recognize at all. I scratch my head and wonder, “When did this stuff come from?” I have a theory that every so often someone breaks into my lair and instead of stealing, they put stuff there. I think this is what happened in your attic plus your reverse-thief also gave you the gift of dead mice.
You are too funny. Thanks for sharing this blog! Can’t wait to see what is next!
Likely something equally bizarre. Thanks for visiting!
True! http://www.segmation.com
I want that ceramic holiday Zeus!
The one time I was at a Bachelor party with strippers, I crawled into a dimly lit corner, pulled myself into a fetal position and practiced meditation until I could block out the bulging spandex.
Oh My Gosh! I am moving soon as well and have been doing this same thing. Mouse turds and all! The exterminators are here tomorrow. In the mean time I have found it useful to not look at anything with a mouse turd on it and simply pitch it. If it was there long enough to get pooped on without me missing it then I don’t need it now. Everything must go!
You should write a Moving for Dummies book because I didn’t know I should just discard the mouse-dropping covered boxes and actually put my hands in them. *shudder*
Oh, I ran into my share believe me. I have been so freaked out about the mice that they are considering tranquilizing me. No pills … they are just going to drop me.
I can’t wait for the historical reenactor story!
I’ve moved about 10 times in the last 7 years, but usually, and luckily, for me it only involves filling a couple suitcases and leaving the rest behind. And then when I come back months/a year later. I purge a ton of stuff. Just took 3 trash bags of stuff to the local charity the last time I got home!
How did you manage that? I have three suitcases full of stuff from the utensil drawer alone. You will see me on an episode of Hoarders soon.
Lol – luckily I don’t seem to have hoarders syndrome. I just tend to get rid of things after a while!
I am rolling on the floor laughing about the stripper card! I think I told my bridesmaids almost the same thing! Moving does bring out the random (but funny) things we have accumulated in our lives. I wish you lots of luck – make Hugo help!!
Hugo is worthless. He just lurks around the house, starring at me with his hypnotic eyes.
You bought it with all intentions of painting it but got slack…. That’s what I reckon…
That is a possibility, but I really am not a fan of Santa so I have to believe an enemy bought it for me to taunt me about my procrastination.
That’s Santa?? It looks like a fat wizard…