Do Not Fear Potatoes

Seven people found my blog yesterday using those search terms: do not fear potatoes.

Do people really fear potatoes? According to some random seach engine question and answer thingy, there’s not even a word for potato phobia.

The second most asked question about potato fear was this:

I didn’t realize I wrote much about potatoes, and I have no idea how entering those terms would lead a person to my blog. But since you’re here, I want you to know this–

Potatoes make good detectives . . . because they always have their eyes peeled.

*swish*

Oh–and you shouldn’t fear them. Feel better?

Well you may want to fear that one. That one is definitely not sweet.

I’m hoping now that I’ve mentioned “do not fear potatoes” a number of times, this blog will appear higher in the results for that extremely popular search.

This is why I’m now also mentioning my second most popular search terms from yesterday: gonorrhea tonsils.

This is actually a thing, I am horrified to have found out. It is contracted by putting your mouth on something that has gonorrhea.

Like a potato? you wonder, your fear of them beginning to resurface.

No, probably not. Really, you do not need to fear potatoes.

Only in this instance:

While I may not be an expert in this particular area, my advice to you is to refrain from putting your mouth on something soaked with gonorrhea.

Most of my other search terms had to do with Fifty Shades of Grey. There was one that stuck out from the pack.

I believe this is the title of a new rom-com starring Katherine Heigl. I cannot wait to see it. I think Gerard Butler plays one of the vaginas.

If you search for 27 types of vagina, my blog comes up pretty high in the results as does an article about 8 types of vagina from a man’s perspective, which I would only recommend reading if you contracted tonsil gonorrhea from potato salad. You’re already feeling pretty bad at that point.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the thirteenth post. She does not fear potatoes, but does fear gonorrhea tonsils. 

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273 comments

  1. Oh, you get all the good search terms. This is my most interesting one: “”sex talk” whatcha thinkin whatcha drinking? hey baby” Now given that I don’t write about sex or talk and only occasionally about sex. I think Google has some ‘splainin’ to do.

  2. My favorite new one from yesterday – “sex painy porn”. Also “crack whore opened”. Sadly, with 50 Shades, Google probably doesn’t have to explain. This is a brilliant idea – you could get the rest of the month’s posts with these.

    1. I know. I get so many about vaginal balls, butt plugs, what did christian mean when he says he likes to hurt brown-hair girls, etc. The list is endless. And nearly as imcomprensilbe as the books.

  3. And I thought my search terms were bad. You win. All I get are things like ‘sex in the bathroom with Kenny Chesney’.

    By the way, I think this post a day thing you’re doing is your true calling. Do it all the time.

    1. I’m going to search for ‘sex in the bathroom with Kenny Chesney’ so I can read the post you wrote about that topic.

      And I’m ignoring your comment about posting a day forever.

    1. I did have to look up Michael Strahan because I have no knowledge of the outside world, but that sounds like a pretty good post. And I guess something people are interested in since they are searching for it.

  4. I’m glad to know I can go back to eating potato salad, since I don’t have tonsils, I can’t catch anything.

    PS Is Potato Salad being used as a euphemism?

    1. I don’t know if there is such a thing as gonorrhea tongue and I’m not going to search for it because my internet history is horrifying enough.

      You could be right about the euphemism thing.

    1. It is all about the brand, isn’t it. There must be some way to combine all three and then I will become a multi-millionaire blogging machine. I am envious of your glory hole hits.

    1. It is pretty sweet. I might ask my tonsil doctor about gonorrhea tonsils at my next appointment for a possible future post about asking your doctor uncomfortable questions.

  5. How could someone possibly fear potatoes?? My only fear associated with potatoes is the fear of not having ENOUGH potatoes. That’s a very real and legitimate fear. 27 types of vagina really does sound like it should be a dreadful Katherine Heigl film. I will await its release this spring.

  6. Generally I get sicko people searching for information related to seeing their son’s penis. I did, indeed, write about accidentally walking in on my son and seeing his penis. He locks his door now. My best search term ever, though, is “chris hayes shirtless.” I’m very pleased with that one. Oh, and I fear potatoes, but I fear so many things that it’s expected that potatoes could freak me out.

    1. I will try not to write about my son’s nakedness to avoid that. I can’t say the same about Hugo, although he doesn’t have a lower half so I guess that wouldn’t be a problem.

  7. Ah, search terms. Love ‘em. My recent include ‘garls love pising mut boys’ (?! Is this some slang I don’t understand? I’m a foreigner!)

  8. My search terms are dreary compared to yours. In fact ‘dreary’ was one of the search terms along with anal annihilation, sterile coyote release and oceans of dollars.

    Since ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ was a movie, perhaps ‘Attack of the Killer Potatoes’ can be the sequel.

  9. My search terms are weird, “what is count of fucking storks during sex,” “challenge accepted porn tube,” and “muscle men dolls sex.” Do I need to start worrying about my blog content?

      1. Be my guest. Although I think you might have kinda mentioned your cardboard muscle men in today’s post.
        I’m in the middle of creating my own weird search terms post, but go ahead. I’m actually looking forward to see what you will …erm … do with a muscle men doll sex.

  10. my favorite recent search term was “is barack obama going to get re-elected?”. There isn’t anything wrong with this search term, except that someone searched for it 3 days ago.

      1. Well, it seems potatoes are sweet husband’s favorite food. Since I like having him around – A LOT! – I’ve learned to overcome fear of potatoes. Sigh…the sacrifices one makes for loved ones…xoM

  11. I’m not sure what’s more hilarious – the post or the comments. So, equal belly laugh ratings for both. I’m pretty new to this and as yet unable to report on any mindboggling search terms … I feel all left out :-(

    1. This is my advice. Try a post about potato salad fear or gonorrhea tonsils, and I guarantee your search terms will perk up. Better yet, try a post on “potato salad gonorrhea.”

      1. I do post quite a bit about food… so it’s only a matter of time. Wait… I did get a hit once for “Japanese square melons”. Does that count???

        I’m now wondering… can tonsils catch syphilis… or athlete’s foot???

  12. My top search is “Cock tese” for people looking at puppy pictures.

    But the other day I received:
    “give injection needle to my wife as a punshment” :shock:

    Some people need serious help.

  13. Yay for FP!

    My search terms this week are “Nobodys perfect clishe” and “im a passive aggressive husband.” Also “failed ua because i flushed toilet,” but I may have actually done that.

  14. I have a long-standing relationship with the potato, have blogged about it (The Sanctity of the Spud http://wp.me/p2bGLu-3w-) but don’t believe that I have been discovered via potato search. . .It is my belief that potatoes are intrinsically funny. Great to see the spud in its rightful place.
    Also, ewww.

      1. There are few things more satisfying than having a total stranger be outraged on one’s behalf. Unless it is a significant other. Then, it’s just frustrating. In your case, I am compelled to follow your blog.

    1. Thank you. It may be the first time wordpress has featured a freshly pressed post on potatoes that also happened to include gonorrhea tonsils. Does it feel like history is being made? Probably not since history deals with big timey things like war and stuff.

      1. You could say that wordpress history is being made. That way you’re not competing with the big timey things, and you seem more humble, yet still worthy. Does that seem like a good compromise?

        Oh, and this post was awesome. And the comments were awesome. Not only do you make people laugh, you make them interact too. So well done, you. *applause*

    1. Surprisingly no I did not get Freshly Pressed for my posts about butt plugs. It seems like a travesty, yes? And a post that does not include Hugo! That is an outrage. Let’s take the streets!

  15. Stop it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is freaking hilarious! But I think I might trump your potato….possibly. My favorite search term getting to my blog is: “Orphan the Toe”. :)

  16. Speaker, they’re saving the 50 Shades series for something bigger. I am sure of it.There is a whole bag of potatoes in my pantry and I am going to go roast those fuckers just in case. Congrats on the FP!

  17. I could have gone my whole life without ever learning there is such a thing as gonorrhea tonsils, but I couldn’t have gone my whole night without the belly laugh that gave me. I’m glad I’m not the only one who enjoys the strange search terms that send people my way. For me it’s the public’s unending curiosity for bestiality. I use the F-word from time to time (ok, often, very often) and with donkey in my title…well, you can guess.

  18. It’s always great fun to look at the search terms that bring people to my blog. Some of my favorites:
    What is pexting (indeed! inquiring minds want to know)
    Lions playing with humans (pervert!)
    naked ecuador men (see previous)
    turbo beaver denali
    3rd world plane
    photos of small wrecked planes (does someone collect them or something?)

    But I don’t think I could have written a post as funny as you about any of this. Thanks for the laugh.

  19. Ha! This is the funniest thing I’ve read in so long. As a matter of fact, this morning I did fear my own potatoes (they were growing sprouts and I had no clue what was happening) and a long Facebook discussion was had over the safety (and fear) of my potatoes. Fantastic timing, though I do fear anything soaked in gonorrhea, potato or not, but I’m happy to report that my potatoes are only growing sprouts and nothing more.

  20. You are hilarious. I haven’t laughed at a post that hard in a while. I was trying to explain it to my husband who is in the other room but he couldn’t understand an effing thing I was saying. The funny thing was, I was JUST looking at my search terms. The most popular search terms for my site? pre-teen models. WTF? Now I feel like some weird porny site for wackjobs scouting for little pretty people. You have a new follower!

    1. It is hard to explain potato fear and gonorrhea tonsils especially if you’re shouting from another room. Next time, hold his hand and look deeply into his eyes, and he will understand why this is such an important topic. Thanks for the follow!

    1. I think I smell the next big Christmas calendar. Do they still make calendars and people give them as presents? I don’t know, but I would definitely buy one filled with pictures of prawns.

  21. I love reading search terms. A few weeks after I started the blog, I kept noticing things like ‘the game delver’ and ‘delver the game’. Fearing I had treaded on someone else’s names I did some google fu of my own. Turned out it was a game simply called ‘Delver’.

    I bought it and reviewed it immediately.

  22. i didn’t know how strange “search terms” works could be until you post this. whoahaha, that’s funny! may be it simply compiles words that sounds effortlessly hilarious. and vagina, gonorrhea? i guess these topics are much more popular than we think…. ;)

  23. I’m Irish. My relatives feared a life without potatoes, but I don’t fear them. I loathe them. Thanks for making me eat baked potatoes three times a week Mom. What’s next? Meat basted in gonorrhea? Candy with razor blades?

    Congrats on the fresh press!

      1. Happy Birthday Speaker! BTW I can’t keep up with you now that you blog every day. At all. Or Jen. Or Alice. Can you please go back to being lazy, like me?

        BTW, my husband and Chad Kroeger (of Nickelback) share your birthday.

      2. I feel your pain. I can’t keep up with myself either. Every day, I’m like “Frack! I have to write another fracking post! Frack balls.”

        I am honored to be in such good company…well except for Nickelback cuz that band blows frack.

  24. Gosh, my most bizarre search term has been “world war ii celestial chart nude ed link.” I am positive that the words “celestial” and “nude” do not appear in my blog, much less “ii.” Congrats on getting freshly pressed and on evading the novel writing chore.

  25. Well that was interesting. I haven’t looked much at search terms to my blog. Nothing as amusing as gonorrhoea tonsils but I did have ‘1400’s Sluts’ . That was the most interesting. I am not afraid of sluts or potatoes. The possessive ‘s’ worries me. I tried it on Google but couldn’t find me, I wonder how many pages it took.

    1. Hm, 1400’s sluts…does that mean sluts who lived in the 1400s? Or is that the name of some person who owns 1400 sluts? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

  26. I get some crazy search terms in my blog too. In fact, someone(s) found my blog with, “naked japanse women waiting tables in bar .com,” yesterday AND today. There’s nothing naked in my posts, I assure you (sorry if this disappoints :-)). The internet is a wild frontier. But, go figure. LOL!

  27. Yeeeeeeeeees! I just knew you were going to get Freshly Pressed soon. I just had a feeling. That, and my second highest search engine term Tuesday was Speaker7 Freshly Presses potatoes. Congratulations! But sorry about the gonorrhea. :(

    1. Thank you my BBFF. You have a gift that should get you a Nebraska version of the Long Island Medium, but instead of speaking to dead people, you can let bloggers know when wordpress will press them.

  28. I don’t even know what to say. So funny. I don’t think I wanted to know about gonorrhea tonsils. Now I do. I will focus on potatoes instead because, really, I am not afraid of them. I am very afraid of gonorrhea tonsils. Congrats on FP!

  29. Haha–love it! Isn’t it funny, the search terms that lead people to your blog? It’s good b/c you attract more viewers and possibly followers, but if often you are left scratching your head wondering, “what the heck?!”, as in the case with the gonorrhea tonsils! :D

    Congrats on being FP!

      1. I would imagine if you brought it up to at a board of Ed meeting you would find someone to take on the cause

  30. one of my favorites recently is “music video 90s woman sings in a castle with gnome”. i just don’t know what to do with that one. other winners include “visual feminizing curves butt” “paget brewster dressed” and “matthew gubler + “speaks too””

      1. I think that is the greatest injustice…to make us think there possibly could have been such a video by using those search terms and then to find out such a beautiful dream is just that…a beautiful dream.

  31. Jeez whiskers, how many comments did you get here?
    Actually, when I read this headline on my twitter feed, I immediately thought of something Bill Bryson wrote about potatoes, which I now googled. Could possibly explain where the search comes from??? Awesome post, btw!

    “Potatoes, the other great food crop,of the New World, present an almost equally intriguing batch of mysteries. Potatoes are from the nightshade family, which is of course notoriously toxic, and in their wild state the are full of poisonous glycoalkaloids — the same stuff, at lower doses, that puts the zip in caffeine and nicotine. Making any wild potatoes safe to eat required reducing the glycoalaloid content to between one-fifteenth and one-twentieth of its normal level. This raises a lot of questions, beginning most obviously with: How did they do it? And while they were doing it, how did they know they were doing it? How do you tell that the poison content has been reduced by, say 20 percent or 35 percent or some other intermediate figure? How do you assess progress in such a process? Above all, how did they know that the whole exercise was worth the effort and that they would get a safe and nutritious foodstuff in the end?”

      1. Haha! The poison content must have been sorted out somewhere though, cause I haven’t heard of anyone dying of potato toxicity in recent years! Just stay way from the gonorrhea infested ones and you’ll be A-okay!

    1. This is the second. The first one was about my incredible smarter, more successful older brother. And now gonorrhea tonsils. I think I’ve hit the pinnacle of my writing.

      1. No! Thank you for sharing it in the first place!

        I have to say, my weirdest search terms are:
        1) Villains that dig
        2) by terry cosmetics color holiday 2012
        3) frowny vampire

        Nowhere near as exciting as yours, but amusing all the same :D

  32. “Hikonyan sex” was my weirdest one. I also get a lot of people looking for AKB48 girls in lingerie…

    (Btw, love the Fifty Shades reviews. What a crap book.)

    1. I don’t know what either search term means, but I am intrigued. You should see the weirdness I have gotten in search termdom from my Fifty Shades recraps. People are sick.

  33. I just want to let you know that potatoes are my greatest fear.
    My absolute number one search term is “blue personality”. I really don’t know anything about blue personalities, but I feel like I should become a personality expert.

    Some of my more random terms are things like:
    anorexic vampire
    calories in blood (I see a theme here)
    twilight vs batman (Batman, by far)
    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (I’m not really sure what someone would be looking for where they simply type a ton of Zs into a search engine)
    you are a great man (I always thought I was, but it’s nice to have it confirmed)
    manga sex (At first, I thought I had no manga sex on my blog, but I was wrong)

    1. I bet the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz was a cat. Do you write about anorexic vampires? Because I now want to read about them. Maybe you can do an anorexic version of Twilight?

      1. Alas, just in a single post. But if I ever become patient enough to write a whole novel, I’m sure I can write one about anorexic vampires that would be better than Twilight. (Not that this would take much.)

  34. Gone a couple days and a new FP piece! Congrats! =D Also, hilarious and well-deserved ^.^

    I think my favorite search term was, “sexy ankles”. Not as good as yours – but apparently on the way there, hahaha

  35. I’m not quite sure why you came up in the list of “Blogs I follow” when I have never read your blog before..however, I must say your entry was extremely entertaining :) [I am new to wordpress so excuse my ignorance if there was a reason you came up in my reader] I may just have to read some more :)

  36. Ok, so I don’t fear potatoes. But I do fear mashed potatoes. Do you really expect me to trust something of such a weird, gooey, mushy consistency? I think not. Who knows what’s going on in there.

  37. Reblogged this on Tammy J Rizzo and commented:
    I had briefly seen the Search Terms thingy on the Site Stats page, but I had no idea what it was good for. Now I know. Well, sort of. My search terms aren’t very interesting, yet, but then, I’m still fairly new at this blogging stuff.
    Congratulations on the Freshly Pressed! I’m following, now!

  38. What a brilliant idea! I just started a blog…although I want mine to mainly focus on running, and I am trying to figure out how to get people to at least view my blog! Your search terms will certainly rack up the viewers, as is evident by the amount of comments! haha

    1. There must be some way to connect running to the fear of potatoes to increase your viewership. Maybe a post about why you run and you can mention that you are not running away from potatoes even though some people fear potatoes?

      1. haha true. This will take some creative thinking :). Potatoes are feared by some in terms of “adding Calories” to their diet. However, they are a great source of nutrition. But those are in scientific terms…and I may not get a huge following if I talk nerdy often! haha!

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