It’s not even halfway through NaBloBlowsBigAss, and I’m not going to lie to you, gentle reader, I am struggling to fill in my little wordpress writery box with a daily post.
So this is why this post is about Facebook.
Facebook is awesome. It allows you to reconnect with people you barely tolerated in high school. It is a perfect platform to share your ability to quote Bon Jovi songs or share insights into the days of the week and how they affect you. Monday is Glumday, amirite?
And you can become friends with Doritoes®.
But sometimes Facebook is not awesome. It is not awesome when people engage in facebookery that is less to be desired.
This is why we need Facebook Etiquette or Facetiquette™ or Fetiquette™ or…look just don’t engage in the following:
Facebook fights
Yes occasionally someone is going to post something that you disagree with vehemently. Maybe Monday isn’t Glumday for you. But is it really so important to get into an argument with someone you went to art camp with 25 years ago?
Do you really think you will change this person’s mind by starting off your reply “Look, you fucking idiot. . .” No, you won’t. It’s best just to move on. Like someone’s post about puppies instead. No one comes off looking good in a Facebook Fight or Ffight™.
Facebook Guilt Trips
I know you want people to pay attention to you. That’s why you posted that Instagram of your half-eaten breakfast burrito and wrote “Breakfast burrito! Yum!” But do you have to next post this?
This is a huge guilt trip. Not only do I have to prove my worth by clicking the like button, but then I actually have to copy and paste this tripe into my status update so you will know we’re actual friends? Here’s a clue: we’re not. That’s why I ignore this, and will continue to ignore you until you stop posting this shit.
Facebook banalities
Yes you do breathe. Your heart does beat. And you eliminate waste on a regular basis. But do I need to know about this?
No. No one does. This also goes for updates like “I have nothing to say.” That’s almost as bad as admitting you don’t know what to write for a blog post so you write about Facebook.
Facebook Mysteries
Oh you engimatic poster, you! You just love the cryptic status update that keeps us on our toes. Shit like this:
The best part is you will never say what exactly was fucked up, leaving us hanging on the minutae that envelopes your daily existence. And it works…for a second, until I hear Kim Kardashian has tweeted her ass has fallen off. That is some important stuff. That’s why it’s now my status update. And don’t say you don’t know why.
Facebook hate-a-thons
Okay, okay…I get it. The guy you wanted to win the presidency didn’t and now you are filled with rage. I feel you. I lived through the 2000 election. Remember that shit? The guy who actually won didn’t become president? Remember? That was a bitter pill to swallow. Still, I don’t want to read your rage-filled rants of nonsense:
I am pissed too. I am pissed that I actually exerted energy in my eyeballs to read this.
Facebook Non-Controversies
No one is taking your Christmas away. No one is pissing on the American Flag. Yet you post this:
None of this shit is real. You know what’s real? My apathy.
You know what is acceptable? This:
I am joking. This is also awful.
Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the twelfth post. Don’t believe the haters. She will beat Satan.
This is why sweet baby Jesus invented The Twitter!
I had no idea that was one of his miracles.
It was – and it’s pronounced LE Twitter, by the way. The tweet-bird logo was actually a tattoo Jesus had on his butt-cheek. True story.
You are a star. I don’t know how you have managed to do so many great posts in a row. I am on my knees to you, but in a good way.
As a non-Facebook user, I do not get why suddenly every business I enter, every TV show I waste time on, every everything wants me to “Like” them on Facebook. Get a life!
Agreed. Facebook makes businesses seem so needy. Facebook needs a “validate me” button.
Elyse – very true. We don’t go around asking people over and over again “Do you like me? Do you like me? Do you like me?” Although I might start doing that. It sounds very comforting.
Let me be the first to say it then, Speaker7, I “LIKE” you.
I’ve seen all of those facebook posts – this morning. After a while, you start blocking everyone. People you thought were your friends you realize are freaking annoying. Then you start wondering why you are even there, until you remember it’s to complain about all the stupid people.
Also, the “friending” thing makes me feel like a second grader.
did you block me? I fucking knew it. Jesus hates you.
You didn’t respond to my Sad Pony Loves You Pic and then I had to counsel Sad Pony and it was such a pain and I prayed and Jesus told me to block you. Jesus friended and liked me cause I am truly faithful and humble amen.
And now I’m going to Hell. Be sure and like my Tartarus page!
what Sad Pony pic? I’m not ignoring you! I’m just so chronically disorganized that I neglect all my friends equally.
Lol. I know. I posted it on Facebook a while back. L’Eric liked it and didn’t tell you. I can always repost it. Mostly being silly about the coloring pictures everyone did for you that day. Speaking of coloring, you MUST check out Stork Hunter’s post today – it’s totally about a vagina coloring book!
I tend to neglect my friends equally as well.
VAGINAS! I’m on my way.
Whoa…whoa….whoa…guys, please don’t fight. It makes sad pony cry and just remember: Jesus will beat Satan.
Fight, fight, fight! Oops, sorry, I think I was possessed by Satan for a minute. My bad. So glad we have Hot Jesus on our side.
Alice: agreed. That Jesus is pretty smokin’.
this is a chain email that i could get behind and send out to nine more people to avoid death. also, could you consider adding Facebook Nudity or Partial Nudity or Wannabe Naked? (not that any of my facebook friends take photos of themselves that show tramp stamps or anything.)
I’m thinking I need a second installment because I left off many things that are not good facebookery etiquette.
This is why I gave up Facebook. Although if I was on Facebook and I saw a link to this blog, I would “Like” it.
I rarely post on Facebook, but if I saw your ‘like’ I would click “like” underneath it.
If I didn’t have facebook, I’d have a clean house. And nobody wants to see that.
I wish I could say facebook was my reason for a messy house, but it’s mainly my hatred of cleaning.
movie stills with hilarious captions are funner than cleaning.
I tend to simply ignore the enigmatic ones; fortunately for me it’s usually the same people, unfortunately for them I now ignore anything from them as a rule.
I’m guilty of a few FB fights though. Also working on my meditation techniques now to simply say to myself ‘I don’t give a f*** what that person thinks’ and just move on. Move on, girl.
ARRGH I hate them.
Oh believe me, I wanted to engage with people who have posted truly horrible crap. I get through it by punching a hole in a piece of paper.
Top notch post
Top notch comment.
I love this. All of it. Because it’s true.
Thank you. It wasn’t too hard to find examples. That’s the sad thing.
Whoa! That was some serious shit you pulled!
…and don’t you say you don’t know why….
I hate facebook so much now, I don’t even know where to begin. One of my friends posted this last week: How much more can I take, lord? Please give my family strength! One tragedy after another! Pray for us!
Then she didn’t ever reveal what it was that was so traumatic…she just basked in her 1000 comments of people saying “Oh no! what happened?! I’ll pray for you!”
It’s like Pavlov’s dog…simply drop a vague, yet mildly disturbing status update, then all the facebookers come running, drooling over the melodrama.
(p.s. this should be freshly pressed!!)
Oh yes. Oh yes…I’ve seen those posts as well. Facebook makes for a very powerful prayer circle or a very powerful way to grab attention to yourself.
and I think her tragedy magically resolved itself because the next day she was back to posting pics of her manicure.
I am now forming a prayer circle that her manicure lasts more than a week. Who’s with me? Repost this as your status update so I know that you “like” this.
Agreed. It’s an Instant Drama app.
Can I get that from my iPad?
I’m starting to feel better about my infrequent, uber-boring FB updates. At least I’m not annoying anyone. Hopefully…
I am also an infrequent poster. I think my last post was “I was born.”
For this post I’m on my knees to you – in terribly wrong ways!
Please – Everyone – For the sake of humanity – SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACEBOOK!
We need competitors and alternatives. dontmakemefacemyselfbook.com : mememememebook : holyshitIvejustrealisednothinginmylifeisactuallyinteresting-book.com : faceityourepointless.com
and on and on and on
And I will get on my knees if you create any of these new alternatives because they sound infinitely better.
Fuck me, you’re hilarious. I sit here saying to myself, “She is so fucking funny.” Even Mr. Weebles is all, “You have a girl crush on speaker7.” So what if I do??
The feeling is mutual. I think we should get matching friendship bracelets. Do people still do that?
Who cares if they don’t. We totally should. Our bond is just that strong.
If anyone asks why I’m in NoHaFaBo I will send them to this post. You explain the exact reasons why I don’t have Facebook.
I didn’t realize this was movement like NaBloWriMo, but I’m very, very tempted to join.
“And you can become friends with Doritoes®” — hahahahaha!
I can say that Doritoes has been one of my most cherished friends–even when I get its orange Doritoes dust all over my fingertips.
WalMart is going to have $3 DVD players? I mean, it’s on FB, so, it must be true, right? RIGHT??
It better be true because I just bought new sneakers to wear for Black Friday and they’re perfect for trampling over people.
I’m thinking we should shop together and tag team stuff–I’ll grab the DVD players if you get the Rudolph Slippers with the Glowing Nose.
Once again you have nailed it! I am a great big ignorer of all of the things on this list. Hence, my friendship level is low. My family only keeps me on there out of obligation and to prevent a facebook war.
Initially I would confirm friendships with people I didn’t know, but shared the same mutual friends. Now I ignore everyone’s requests about anything. Even in person.
Agreed! There are so many wrong ways to use the “book.”
There should be an instruction manual. Facebook for dummies.
Definitely. This post could be the “Prologue”
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I AM FILLED WITH RAGE THAT KIM KARDASHIAN’S ASS FELL OFF!
Let’s form a Facebook prayer circle and see if anyone has the guts to repost our amazing status update about Kim Kardashian’s ass. I hope my REAL friends will.
*LIKE*
I lol’d – out loud. And got stared at by my dog.
Your dog doesn’t get to be my FB friend.
He just cried.
And now I</I. have to go post a mysterious status on facebook. Damn it.
Ah, facebook mysteries…….they deserve a turd!
You took the words out of my mouth.
The misspelling of Doritos as Doritoes made me think of orange, cheese-covered feet. I won’t sleep for a week now.
That was my intent.
I always figured you for a cheesy foot fetish lady.
Oh my gravy, we were commenting on each other’s blog at the same time. That’s some kind of cosmic Cheetoh connection or something. Donald Pump. I love it.
Our love was written in the stars with cheese powder.
Let us not forget another favorite of mine: the middle aged who don’t understand how status threads work. Example:
“[Random song lyric status]”
Old person commenting: “The family reunion is on Sunday. Are you bringing the sweet potatoes?”
I believe that is known as hijacking one’s status update.
The posts about liking if you hate cancer, seriously – is this a controversy. Are there people who are on the fence about whether or not they hate cancer?
Ha! I feel the exact same way. Are we really taking a big stand at this moment?
I think cancer sucks and I’m not ashamed to say it. If you were a caring human being you would click “like”. I hate the peer pressure of fake caring.
My last Facebook post was about the collective noun for raccoons. I live an exciting life.
That’s a status update I would actually like.
Ha! Peppermeister has been showing me some horrifying FB posts lately – for example, a ‘friend’ of ours recently posted a picture of Sponge Bob that said something like, “‘Like’ this if you hate cancer. Or God will punish you.”
The thing is – this person doesn’t know how to be funny, so it was done with complete sincerity.
Does one get banished to Bikini Bottom?
There are penalties for Vaguebooking and people need to own their actions.
This is why I have set my settings to don’t show me any update setting for many of my “friends” and why I have a fake FB name so many of my “friends” from high school can’t find me.
Like this if you like me because I like you.
Me double like. I need to stop looking at Facebook because I begin to hate humanity.
Oh I don’t know I have been enjoying my daily ration of facebook abused directed at Karl “Ham Loaf-Turd Blossom” Rove and his remaining 6 friends. I have no doubt that he reads every post I leave and cries.
Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time, and unfortunately too true. Thanks for the laughs!
Definitely. I would be surprised to read search terms that actually made sense.
You are hilarious! I literally laughed out loud. May your battle with Satan be ever in your favor.
Facebook lol.. Examples of what I’ve seen in my wall:
“OMG I’m now 5 cm dilated! Can’t wait to see my baby!”
“Shit, Brazilian wax is painful.”
Cheers!