Le Cult of Le Clown

I am a full-fledged carnie, I’ll admit it.

I pretty much do the bidding of a French-Canadian clown who can flex a singular ab muscle like nobody’s business.

Why do I do this?

I think it’s safe to say that I’m in a cult…or rather le cult. Le cult of le clown. I think that’s how French works; you put a “le” in front of everything and ruin freedom fries.

Le Clown first appeared on the presses of word back in February and the wordpresses have not been the same since. I believe his first post was:

“WordPress no longer sucks.”

I might have made that up, but who has time to research when you’re writing a post every day?

Le Clown professes that every day is fucking magical, and I believe it. Even when my slice of pizza fell on the dirty floor a couple days ago and I had nothing else to eat but a jar of pureed turkey and sweet potato, I felt pissed off the magic.

Le Clown can write anything, literally anything, and 200 people will show up to comment about his magnificence™. (He’s also trademarked the word magnificent™)

He could write:

“Poop is magical.”

And it will be pressed fresher than a steaming pile of cow manure–that’s just how powerful his reach is. And you know what? Poop is magical.

What is Le Clown’s greatest gift?

Well apart from his incredible charisma, he gives the gift of viewership. He features you on his site, and suddenly you have 30 new followers. It’s almost as if you, yourself, have become a cult leader.

You feel that way until a half-man puppet named Hugo reminds you of your place on the food chain. Never join le cult of le Hugo, by the way.

Le Clown recently launched a new venture, a press releases page that highlights blog posts featuring his le clowness. I am not on there, and I made it my Life Goal 2: Electric Boogaloo to rectify that grevious injustice.

Which leads me now to present the greatest interview in the history of interviews. I should know, I used to work as a reporter and got to interview the local dairy princess.

Without further ado, Speaker7 presents™ Five Questions with His Magnificence™  Le Clown™:

Q: Which cult figure are you more like and why?

  • a. Jim Jones
  • b. Hugo
  • c. Papa Smurf
  • d. Fred Phelps
  • e. Ronald McDonald

A: f. Tom Cruise

Q: Why is your following predominately made up of dames and/or broads?

A: Le Clown likes to think women dig him because of his Charles Bukowski charms. And that giganormous red apparatus of his.

Q: How do you lure us under your spell? Is it hypnotism? Or that dorky thing Eddie Cullen does? Or something clownesque?

A: Le Clown is more like herpes, the gift that keeps on giving. And because every day is fucking magical on A Clown on Fire, and Le Clown is something of a handsomer Santa (or any other non-denominational fictitious character like White Baby Jesus) there’s a bad case of clap for just about anyone on his blog. It’s the latest craze, and all the cool kids want it. As for Edward Cullen, fuck him, not just literally, unless you’re into glass shards.  

Q: What is the difference between magnificence and magnificence™?

A: The trademark™. Obviously.

Q: Usually cult leaders have some fantastical idea of how they’re going to kick the bucket. L. Ron Hubbard apparently discarded his body and went to some planet. What will happen to Le Clown?

A: What’s this crazy talk about kicking the bucket? Neil Gaiman will soon write Le Clown into a new installment of his EternalsAt least, that is what Scientology told him. Dying is for the weak anyway… everyone knows that, right Hugo?

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the eleventh post. She hates enjoys doing this because every day is fucking magical. 

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92 comments

    1. Bruce,
      Being interviewed by Speaker7 is like winning a babysitter for my kids for 7 years: there are no words to express how magnificent™ it is.
      Le Clown

  1. This was fucking great and epic! two comment:
    1. Je dois te parler concernant la langue de francaise ( no le there)
    2. A clown that references Bukowski sounds almost as hilariously absurd as having your balls bandaged after getting chemical burns from using excess amounts of herpes cream medication by the same chick that did ya dirty in the first place

    1. Thanks Mr. Mary. I find your number 1 statement to be anti-American because it’s in French and I can’t understand it and I tend to rage against all things I don’t or willfully refuse to understand (which makes me super American). I find number 2 statement to be funny.

      1. LOL I’m an enigma. I was born in Brooklyn NYC but French was my first language but no worries the NYPD find me American enuff to grope me when they stop & frisk lol

        Have you ever read factotum by Bukowski its a funny scene in it.

    2. Mr. Mary,
      Tu parles très bien français,mais le français n’est pas une vraie langue… C’est la langue fictive que parlent les dragons dans Game of Thrones.
      Le Clown

    3. 1. I think it’s very disrespectful and blasphemous to speak Chinese to a plastic doll. Just because his name is Hugo and he’s made of plastic, doesn’t make him any less of a son of a bitch God.
      2. Is a simple fact and I respect you for pointing it out.

  2. Speaker7,
    Le Clown thanks you for asking the tough questions. You won’t see Mike Wallace asking these tough questions, but Mike Wallace is dead anyway. Rest in peace, Mike Wallace, but this is not about you anyway. I just want to say Mike Wallace once last time. And peen.

    Le Clown and The Ringmistress hope to meet you one day, Ms. Speaker7, you and Hugo, and those other “real” people from your family, as long as they don’t try and touch me.
    Le Clown

    1. Le Leader,
      It would be troubling to place The Ringmistress in the same room as Hugo, I ain’t gonna lie. He keeps asking when they will go on their date. And he’s very creepy when he does this.

      If a meeting took place, I would have to put Hugo in the cat carrier. My husband is less weird and Toddler Speaker7 is quite adorable. He will try to touch you though, and he usually has syrup on his fingers because he only eats pancakes. I am speaking of course of Mr. Speaker7.

      I also want to write peen…so peen.
      Speaker7

  3. Le Cult of Le Clown is fucking magical or something. I’ve been a cult member since . . . I forget since he had us drink the Kool-Aid of Forgetfulness. He can create a contest and everyone will enter, even if the only prize is basking in his magnificence™.

    I studied languages in high school. “Le” makes everything French. Also if you say something with marbles in your mouth. To be Spanish, you just add “El” to the front and an “o” to the end. El Blogo de El Clowno, for example. Although everyone should really speak English, just as White Baby Jesus intended.

    1. El Me-o like-o your-o thinking-o. I studied German and basically you just have to say everything as if you were grinding your teeth against a bed of nails. Achtung! Guten Tag! Bitte! Bitte!!

  4. Just another sucker here. I, too, drank the kool-aid. It would be worse if I didn’t keep finding that I really dig the the other broads h seems to surround himself with.

    1. Kelly,
      Did you see how Malin Åkerman dug me in Rock of Ages? Lucky you—I could barely look at my half naked body on the screen… who needs to see a naked Tom Cruise anyway? And people say clowns are scary.
      Le Clown

  5. I guess I’m in the inner circle now, as I am hosting Le Poetry Corner today. So, I’ll let Mr. Le Clown rest on the laurels of my hard wrought words today and wait for those 30 new followers. Le Woo Hoo!
    great post by the way. Very funny!

  6. You, speaker7, are probably the only blogger who could do justice to Le Clown. Brava. I remember my first time with Le Clown—you always remember the first time—I had been lurking for a while and finally posted a comment saying that I liked the term Hecklers better than Carnies. I don’t even remember what his reply was, it’s all still such a blur. But since then, miraculous things have happened. I ran out of wine one day–I was in the kitchen–and I waved my hands in frustration. Suddenly, red wine started coming out of the faucet. It was amazing. Then I healed a bunch of lepers. Like I said, miraculous things happen when you become a disciple of Le Clown.

    1. Weebles,
      You literally made me laugh out loud, even while listening to the very serious Godspeed! You Black Emperor. That is an achievement in itself.
      Le Clown

    2. Madame Weebles,
      You humble me, milady. Is that what the kids say nowadays? Milady? I haven’t had the miraculous miracles experience myself. I did think I was walking on water once, but it was just the water from the dishwasher leaking onto the kitchen floor. I’m going to try that wine thing.

  7. I’m applauding. (I wanted to make sure you knew, since sound travels wonky over the internetz) Beautiful, moving. Words to live by.

    Or at least words to get you on the Press Releases Page! Woot!

    1. I heard it! It sounded faintly like a The Clapper commercial. I’ve finally made it and now I can go to my third life goal, which, I believe is….checking bucket list….ah yes, watch TV.

  8. Le Clown sucked me into his spell by saying I made him cry and now I’m a complete sucker for all things Le Clown. It helps that Ringmistress is one of the best damez on the internetz.

    1. The Ringmistress is the bomb diggety and I don’t feel stupid at all using the words “bomb diggety” even though no one else does unless they teleported here from 1994.

  9. Awwww,,,that Le Clown,,,he ain’t all that! We all speak French up here,,or I like to think I do,,because that French writing is on EVERYTHING,,it’s like a law or something,,maybe, JUST maybe,,,that is how Le Clown reigns you in……..

  10. Speaker7…loved your blog here about Le Clown. As I was reading it I was picturing Le Clown in his Clownderpants writing away. I don’t want to type that TM thing….but everyday is fucking magical,. That’s one of the first things I said to Le Clown. And that wine magic Weebles got…I can only fart glitter at this point…was wondering if there is something I’m not doing…

  11. Speaker7, Congratulations on this epic achievement. But here we see the dangers of peaking too early. Won’t your life be kind of downhill from here? You’ve climbed l’Everest! How can you top that?

    1. Hm. I think you’re on to something. I’ll have to come up with an epic Life Goal III: Return of the Jedi. It was going to be “watch TV” but I feel like I’ve done that before…like two hours ago as a matter of fact. I will ponder this while watching “Bridezillas.”

  12. wow, I am speechless, and that don’t happen very often. wonderful interview. wonderful answers. Left me scratching my head. I must be delirious from NaNo. I see words before my eyes but don’t understand them. I am a late bloomer for Le Clowns blog. I feel so ashamed. But I have had the pleasure bestowed on me that he talked to me, he singled me out. I feel blessed. I will now follow you Speaker7 because you have Le Clowns ear. (or is that nose?) ah well.

  13. I’m trying to think of something funny to say, because such a hilarious post deserves a witty comment. But suffice it to say that both you, Speaker7, and Le Clown make my blogging experience so enjoyable and great, and this post wraps up why that is. Love you both ;D

  14. I really like being in Le Cult. Now I don’t have to worry about what bank to go to, where to shop for clothes, anything like that. Le Clown just takes all my money and provides me with hipster scarves and skinny jeans. Drinking coffee all day i the image of Le Clown is making me kind of nervous though. I think it’s amazing you got to interview him. Did he let you look him directly in the eye?

    1. Of course not. I had a burlap sack thrown over my head and was put in a black van with tinted windows and driven to some undisclosed location. The next thing I remember is being dropped off in a ditch in Kansas. But it was worth it.

  15. Oh god, I must be ridiculously tired because I was crying I was laughing so hard at : “And it will be pressed fresher than a steaming pile of cow manure–that’s just how powerful his reach is. And you know what? Poop is magical.”. Hilarious!

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