Mentos, the Porn Maker

I was looking at Redbook magazine, trying to find ways to juggle my career and my belly fat, when I came across this ad:

Hm. What exactly is happening here? Is the hand, the hand of God? If so, nice manicure, and what happened to the “fresh and full of life” Mentos ads? I remember less breasts.

See the Mentos ads of my youth were like this: the heroine breaks a heel, pops a Mentos, and decides to break the other heel while a dazzled Mitt Romney-type gestures emphatically.

You know, something dorky like this.

This new ad campaign is something else:

I feel kind of squicky looking at it. I know women are sex objects. I realize that is our only purpose–oh and to work flexible hours so we can be home on time to make dinner–but I thought gum was just gum. Do we need a women’s bare breast or butt to say “chew on this?”

This new ad campaign is the equivalent of finding out Bert and Ernie engage in a sado-masochistic relationship.

“You will submit to rubber duckie.”

See I feel weird that I’m suppose to be thinking sexy time when it comes to gum. I just want something to cover up the hummus I had for lunch. I don’t want to feel like I should be masturbating. Is this what the future holds?

Actually that last one kinda works for me.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the ninth post. She appreciates any and all suggestions unless you recommend she make out with Hugo, the man of 1,000 faces. He scares her, and is currently hiding in her closet. 

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75 comments

  1. Speaker7,
    I started writing a comment that was funny, at least to me, you know, the type that says: No Mentos is big enough for Le Clown’s apparatus. Then I read your post again and got pissed and angry, which is not uncommon, and decided to pout instead. Fucking stupid ads.
    Le Clown

  2. Are you kidding me??? I haven’t read Redbook since maybe the 1970s so .. how would I know?
    But that cannot be real … has porn literally taken over EVERY aspect of our ordinary society?
    I mean, okay – if you want porn, I’m not going to take it away from you ..but does it have to be conflated with my choice of bubble gum???

  3. I like the godlike Mentos hand coming down to save the day like a giant “deus ex machina.” Just think of all the world’s problems that could be solved by the sudden intervention of minty porn gum!

  4. Oh the great, how to juggle my career and my belly fat dilemma. You have a gift Speaker, this post made me spit my coffee out. And I will never look at Mentos the same way again.

  5. I laughed, I cried (when comparing the gay men’s genitalia to my own) and felt swept up in a tremendous urge to rush to the store and buy Mentos (if only to see if they came with a complimentary leather hood)!

  6. What??? I swear I just saw a “freshmaker” commercial with the creepy shiny teeth woman just the other day! Oh, Redbook, you slut. They used to have stuff like recipes and somewhat useful crap before they decided to become a lamer Cosmo. But the Mentos ads . . . I bet the advertisers freaking read 50 Shades. James is responsible for this. I can’t think of any other explanation. Well, maybe Republican senators.

  7. Mentos porn aside, your site now doubles as a news source for me. I’m so out of it, I didn’t know Mentos is now available as gum — or that Redbook is still published; I thought that surely went the way of the AMC Pacer. In “my day” (1978 — the last time Mentos were in my orbit) Mentos were rock hard tooth-breaking mint-flavored candy disks from the Netherlands you chewed while watching foreign films, such as Ingmar Bergman’s, “Autumn Sonata”, at the Surf theater in San Francisco. I ate Mentos to feel more foreign-y. I left the theater feeling the urgent need need for dental work.

  8. I love the gay porn mentos guys. What does that say about me? What does it say about me that my daughter–who is 10–was looking at this over my shoulder and said, “Oh, yeah, Mentos has gum. It’s really good.” I am a terrible mother but my children’s friends think I’m cool.

    1. Maybe I’m being too judgemental about Mentos porn, maybe the gum is really that good that God has to intervene when you clothes come off because Mentos gum is the only thing that will take the hurt away.

  9. That was a real ad in REDBOOK??!!! I guess we ‘mericans are puritanical because that is really oogy. Aren’t Mentos Scandinavian or something? They are all free love over there and free gum, free naked gum is what you find in Scandinavia.

  10. When I watched the video, I kept waiting for the girl to come in and break her heel – BUT THE GIRLS NEVER CAME!!! (hahaha, EuroTrip? Yes?) But I was surprised when he turned it into a pin-striped suit. Good job at misdirection! ^.^

    1. I actually just stepped outside and my shirt fell off. And then this giant hand came down and offered me gum, and I was like “kind of busy at the moment” but then I figured I should take it because it was God and all, and it was kind of minty yum.

  11. Funny post!! I’m a man and the sex-object thing pisses me off.
    I’ll know we’ve hit bottom (not spanked it) when they use naked women to sell celibacy!
    iT’S THE sNm BERT N eRNIE THAT DID FOR ME :)

  12. Oh for the love of Mentos! This is wretched! I can’t believe the ad wizards took such a pure, wholesome message — “Roll with the punches, everyone!” and turned it into boobs.

    I think my favorite thing with the old Mentos commercials was not so much the person carrying out operation roll-with-the-punches but the expressions of the people who react to it.

    1. Oh yes! The reactions are priceless because they are not the normal reactions to the weirdness that is happening before them. I miss the old Mentos. Boobs and butts just aren’t as endearing.

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