Block the Vote!

Today is the day to cast your hard-won right-to-vote vote. 

Okay that sounded really clunky and I was going for inspiring. You have to cut me some slack since I’m attempting to post daily when I have little to say. In fact I thought the expression was “catch me some slack.”

So some of you voting voters may have the pleasure of encountering what is known as election thugs monitors, people who will hang around and make sure you actually have the right to cast your hard-won right-to-vote vote and are not a fraud.

For your edification, this is what a non-fraud voter looks like:

Or this:

And this as well:

If you look like any of these non-fraud voters, you’re golden.

But what if you don’t resemble these three American archetypes?

Well you may be in for a bit of challenging day especially if you happen to live in one of three states that decide the presidential election.

Is voter fraud really so rampant to require such a response as thousands of monitors? Actually no. If you read the article in the link, you would see that more Americans were charged with violating migratory-bird statutes then with committing election fraud.

But here’s the issue, if we let everybody vote, it may put one particular candidate at a disadvantage by leaving him with less votes.

And is that fair to him?

Well…yes.

So I figured I better quickly devise some methods to help you get around these helpful watchers to ensure your ballot is cast:

  • Wear this T-shirt:

  • Put a pumpkin over your head–make sure you have something like a rat’s nest or a tangle of fried onions on top of it–and try to pass yourself off as Donald Trump. You will see that everyone will give a wide berth.
  • Upon approach, immediately start dry-heaving. People do not dig vomit even if it is fraud vomit.
  • Same goes for peeing of the pants. It makes people uncomfortable to talk to someone who has urine actively traveling down one’s leg.
  • Carry a slop bucket and a mop under the guise you’re just there to clean the polling place.
  • Since Republicans seem interested in making all uteri property of the government, ask a poll watcher if he’d be willing to hold onto yours to make sure it doesn’t get into any trouble while you go vote.
  • Use your vote to remove those from power who tacitly (and not so tacitly) support such unbelieveable anti-democratic measures.

Yes, I’m talking to you John Husted and Rick Scott.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the sixth post. Depending on how today goes, tomorrow’s post may be a primordial scream. 

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55 comments

  1. Speaker7,
    As a Canadian and an outsider, I will be watching an observing these elections between two episodes of Coronation Street. May the best man win, and that means you, Dexter Morgan.
    Le Clown

    1. Somehow I never thought I would ever see “Corrie” and “Dexter” shared in such a manner. I love it. I missed “Corrie” last night so I will be able to join you in not watching the elections between two episodes. I think I would prefer if Dexter won here, though. We could use a man like him.

      1. Addie,
        Le Clown doesn’t spew things like the following without putting a great deal of thoughts behind it, but: I always like to read you. There. I said it. And it’s like that.
        Le Clown

  2. Ironically, most voter fraud has been perpetrated by republican-favoring groups.
    I think after the election, I’ll be more excited to hear less about Trump than I am to hear less campaigning.

  3. How about this for inspiring: People DIED for your right to vote! They are probably already sorry they are dead – don’t make them sorry they gave you the right to vote.

  4. I like the third example of the American archetype. What is that on his table? A calculator? Is it for calculating the cost of his wine/beer plus his smokes plus his macaroni bake, pork rinds, and government cheese?

  5. As always a great piece.

    I like to have fun with voting. I dress up like a charicature spy ( dark trench coat,dark suit, hat pulled down low, sunglasses, I tip toe obnoxiously down the street and into my polling place, looking suspiciously over my shoulder…Upon signing in I utter a cryptic code statement to the poll workers “My father’s moustache is starting to grey”…To this day no one has indulged me with “but what about his sideburns?” They ask for ID and I pull out one, before grabbing it back last minute saying..”No, wait, THIS one” and handing them another.

    I write in “Any pig will do” on my ballot, and tip tooe out of the polling place, looking nervously over my shoulder humming “Proud to be an American” by Lee Greenwood.

  6. I am trying not to have a major freakout about this election today. It’s like Christmas, only when you open your gift, you either get socks or a bomb goes off. I thought about an election post, but it was just going to be this “Please don’t vote for Romney, he’s a dickhead” over and over and over and over. People might have gotten tired of that.

      1. If he wins, I don’t think I’ll be able to blog for quite awhile because I will have entered a catatonic state where Obama is still president.

  7. You could always borrow one of Hugo’s moustaches. Nobody will approach bare bellied gigolo.
    I’ll be watching the elections with some measure of dispassionate amusement from approximately 3000 miles away. Good luck

      1. In your “state of undress”, I’m sure your vote mattered.
        See what I did there?
        I kill me.

  8. It must kind of suck to live in one of the states where your vote doesn’t really change the outcome.
    I’ve never understood this ‘post a day’ thing, especially when the post ends up taking 500 words to say ‘I have nothing to say.’ If you are tempted to do that on say, day 13 or 21, you might think about taking a day off!

  9. Pumpkin on head with fried onions on top = Donald Trump? So THAT’S what that kid was doing on Halloween. I didn’t know what he was supposed to be- I just threw a popcorn ball at him and slammed the door!

  10. I read an article about a registered Republican who tried to vote three times and then resisted arrest because she couldn’t be a voter fraudster because they vote Democrat. I have no words. Well, I have some words but they’re not very polite.

    1. That is the kind of story you think George Orwell crafted and then you see it’s reality and then you bury yourself in a giant box of McDonald’s french fries and beg for a fry-induced stroke.

    2. Here’s a fun one. I read a comment that said Obama was ahead in early voting because Republicans work and have to wait to vote after 5 pm. Cause Democrats are all cashin’ welfare checks. I have some not polite words as well.

  11. Is it just me or does Paul Ryan look like an infomercial host in that picture? “If you vote in the next 30 minutes, we’ll throw in watching the 1% get richer, and even more unaffordable healthcare!”

  12. I didn’t get to this till today. Yesterday I was out un-suppressing the vote. It was awesome. I plan to write about it tonight if I can stay awake. But I wish everybody who came into the precinct was wearing one of those t-shirts. It would have made checking IDs much, much easier!

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