Alright so I’m lightening things up a little with today’s post.
The last few days have been a little political, and sure, I lost some followers, but whatevs. I’m not even counting or noticing that it was three. Fare thee well former readers, I have nothing but contempt good feelings for you.
For those who stuck it out, you are in for a treat! I went over to the lady section on Yahoo! to learn about lady issues like tampon-string irritation, and I returned with ways to rev up my down-there engine.
C’mon ladies, let’s face it. After a long day of choosing Jif® over Skippy®, the last thing your woman brain can handle is thinking about sexy times. I mean, who’s going to unload the dishwasher?
But follow these surefire tips from Yahoo! Shine! and you will sure fire up that grill that has been lying dormant and charcoal-free in your pants.
1. Eat Sexy-Enhancing Foods
Scarf down some bananas and peanut butter because your hoo-hah apparently has the same appetite as Elvis Presley. Do not be surprised if your ladybits began to crave white polyester jumpsuits.
2. You Go Grrrllkjl;ajk
Ignore everything woman-centric websites/magazines tell you that you should hate about your appearance and just accept yourself, grrlllrllll! You are so beautiful or you could be if you followed our Green Juice/Coconut Water Ab-Blaster Diet®. You deserve to bump your non-size-0 love muffin against the mighty peen even though you could follow our 10 steps to a Thinner Vagina Shake Program® and shed those unwanted vaginal pounds. Better yet, cut back on those peanutbutter-banana sandwiches. What are you, Elvis Presley?
3. Shake Weights®
Exercise gets the endorphins flowing, and for some reason men like to see women doing this:
4. Brain Stimulation
Did you know that your brain is more powerful than your elbow? It is! That’s why it makes less sense to rub a peanutbutter banana sandwich against your elbow than it does to read a sexy book with your brain-connected eyes. Ohhh! What sexy book am I going to mention?!? I don’t know…could it be…wait for it…
Fifty Shades of Grey?
Yes, apparently you can read this book and not despair about the downfall of humanity and instead want to clamp your genitals onto an actual genital clamp. The article also mentioned the movie Magic Mike, which I haven’t seen because I don’t like looking at greasy skin.
Anyway, I guess the point is look at or read something that turns you on. For some reason, this is doing it for me:
Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the fourth post. Speaker7 is always looking for suggestions for future posts. They should be sexy, however, because she is in a really sexy mood from reading sexy lady tips from Yahoo!.
It’s 4 in the morning and I’m laughing out loud. Thanks
Egads! If I’m up at 4, it usually mean I’m watching Richard Scarry’s Busytown and crying on the inside. I’m glad your early morning was pleasant.
There’s a reason that guy’s name is Scarry. And there’s a show on now? When I was a kid, it was just freaky books. I also had a playset.
One version was on in the late 1980s, the other Busytown Mysteries is maybe even on now. I spend nearly every morning listening to appeals for “Huckle Lowly? Huckle Lowly?”
Will too much peanut butter and bananas bring on ‘burnin’ love’? Because I would like to avoid that….
Oh…I should have mentioned that you don’t actually put the bananas and peanut butter in the nether region. You eat them. There may be burning esophagus from acid reflux.
Well, I just assumed it would work faster…..
“brain-connected eyes” ha ha! Please write more about vaginas, and about people who say dumb things about vaginas!
There are not enough hours in the day to write about the dumb things people say about vaginas. But I will try so I can help the world or something.
True that, but if there is any woman up to the task, it is you speaker 7, you have the gift of vag something or other.
for inspiration, you could always just head down to your neighborhood Walgreens and go to the vag product aisle and meditate upon the packaging. i am pretty sure the godhead will send you messages that will give you fodder for your next important vag missive.
Ooh! Good idea!
What misslisted said. Please.
Maybe I’ll need to come up with a segment like my weekly turd thing only have it be about women flowers.
Oh my gawd!! Yes!!
I wouldn’t worry about the loss of the three; this being the extreme politics season, they may find their way back in a couple of weeks once things have calmed down a little.
Whatever you do, please don’t go back to the 50 SHADES books.We’re concerned as to what might happen were you to risk re-exposure; the number of Roentgens you must have dosed yourself with the first time could make a revisit potentially fatal…
I couldn’t possibly revisit Fifty Shades because it would lead to my immediate demise and then who would be around to unload the dishwasher?
I was about to have a banana for breakfast, but perhaps I should wait and have it as an after-dinner enhancement.
I think you should also be holding a Shake Weight® at the same time.
OMG… I love those women’s magazine and website advice articles. Your take on them is spot on. Thanks for the laugh.
I don’t know how anyone could actually write one of these without laughing at the utter bullshittery.
Speaker, my co-workers have just discovered the Fifty Shades books, and all week long they were snickering and giggling and talking in highly cryptic sentences such as “I just started Three!” and “I’m still on One!” and “Wait till you get to Two!” I showed the head of the clique your recaps but she didn’t like them because it looked like you were “kind of making fun of the author.”
Do you think if I brought in enough peanut butter and banana sandwiches these women might spontaneously implode out of sheer ecstasy?
I had a similar situation at uni, but with some female students who could be my grandmothers. I miss the times when you would hide your Mills&Boon inside a copy of “Managerial Economics”.
I like how your coworker thought I was kind of making fun of the author as if I was being subtle in any way. I thought I was pretty straightforward in saying she was the worst writer in the history of writing. Just tell them that Ana eats peanut butter banana sandwiches (under Christian’s strict orders, of course).
As yesterday was National Sandwich Day, your cunning plan just might work!
I absolutely love these tips, and I was quite irritated by the fact that my fiance bought bananas and peanut butter yesterday, which we barely ever eat and never at the same time anyhow. Maybe he was actually reading the Yahoo lady pages…
Ooh. Your fiance is sending some clear signals that it is time for sexy time and stuff or something.
Haha, I think its sending me the signal that he has too much time on his hand, if he is getting to read Yahoo News and then actually head over to the lady-news. I should really find some tasks for him to do.
I will not demean the witty brilliance of this post by making banana or peanut butter sex jokes.
Aw too bad.
Don’t forget to shove ice cream up your hoo-ha and bite down on plenty of popsickles. I think I just threw up a little bit.
Don’t you realize I’m trying to suppress those memories?!?
Also, I love your political posts. I think most of the people I follow or who follow me tend to be in the same political spectrum (ie sane). If not, I’m sure I’d eventually piss them off anyway. I’m not sure if anyone has stopped following me or not . . . I’m not good with math, but it seems like they stay steady although I keep gettting new ones so whatevs. I mostly care about those who are regulars anyway.
Thanks. I guess if you fall on the Romney/Ryan spectrum, it’s pretty hard to see things from my point of view and vice versa. And you’re right, I mostly care about the regs too.
Can’t believe you lost followers over those posts, just wow. Some people are so narrow-minded.
Topic: Urrrrrm.
I lolled.
Or they think obvious turds are nonturds or something.
Supply-side turdism…or something.
I can’t believe that people unfollowed you because of your politics. Either they’ve been eating too many peanut butter banana sandwiches or not enough. I can’t decide.
Definitely too much. That’s why they look constipated.
I’ve been waiting for this post. I would be a perfect woman if my vagina wasn’t obese, and now, thanks to you, Speaker7, and the 10 steps to a Thinner Vagina Shake Program®, rays of hope illuminate my cumbersome vag.
Would you be willing to give a testimonial for my infomercial?
Anything to help in the fight against vag fat.
I had a halter top white jumpsuit in the seventies and I have to say it got me a lot more than peanut butter and bananas. Of course in those days my woman its were getting enough exercise I didn’t have to use any of the contraptions you mentioned.
And there was no “50 Shades” we had to settle for “Harlequin” romances with Fabio on the cover.
It’s hard to imagine a world without 50 Shades and Shake Weights and Vaginal Shake Program…actually that sounds like a pretty nice world.
I wish you had included a link to the Thinner Vagina Shake Program® because mine is a little bloated these days. I can barely pull up my underwear, and people are beginning to ask if its pregnant.
I’d be happy to include a link for the low, low cost of $19.99 a month plus shipping and handling. Just $19.99 a month. And for our first 100 subscribers, we will throw in a Bill O’Reilly falafel scrubber, valued at an astounding $9.99. All free.
Did you really lose followers? I don’t agree with you but really?! This should be a place where we can agree to disagree, sheesh. I kinda miss Hugo, where is he?
I know, and to think they missed out on the Vaginal Shake Program. As for Hugo, just wait for tomorrow. You will not be disappointed.
I am glad there is so much advice on what to do with your below the waist parts on yahoo. I just don’t know how to fill my days otherwise.
I know. What did women do with their parts before Yahoo? Send them to the glue factory?
Used them to pot plants?
Well, I bet those followers were the ones who just followed so you’d look at their pages. So no loss right??
And man, if they wanted to mention sexy-inducing books, look no further than Anita Blake Vampire Hunter. She would kick that chick from 50 shades’ a$$! (And then have hot sex later!)
Also more sexy topics: We were starting to discuss over at Miss Four Eyes Blog, naked blogging wearing a boa. Yes?
I love peanut butter and banana sandwiches. But I’m still confused, should I eat them or not?
Awesome. I can’t wait to rub my kindle all over my elbow when I get home.
S7 (that’s my new nickname for you..hope you don’t mind), even if you wrote a political post for a month straight, you still wouldn’t lose me ’cause you are freakin’ hilarious and I would miss you. This post reminds me that I still have that dance scene from Magic Mike somewhere on my laptop and I need to find it now. And they aren’t greasy….just sweaty…and probably oily….but not greasy.
“It also fits in your mouth…” Excellent.
Awesomeness! I am pleased to see the return of turds but, sure, we can all use a break from turds for a while and spend some time on a Coconut Water Ab-Blaster Diet. Which, ironically, produces a lot of turds.
And I’m pleased to see the return of you! I thought maybe you found a new BBFF and I cried a little into a giant bag of Smart Popcorn. Now I need the Coconut Water Ab-Blaster Diet.
My vaggy-vag likes her some vodka. It’s clear, it’s crisp, and it gets the job done. Peanut butter is way too messy down there.
I had a hard time understanding this list, but after unloading the dishwasher and having my superior being (husband) read it to me, it made perfect sense.