A Turd-ucopia

Turd of the Week™ has come out of retirement.


The little dude was actually getting the chalky-white look of an old piece of dog poop found 17 years later in a sewer grate. But it’s been revived–rejuvenated by amazing displays of turdism that should be featured in the book The Most Unbelievable Turd-duckens Since Turduckens Were Invented (release date: Christmas 2012)

“I am truly overflowing with turdish delight.”

So this politician said something unbelievable at a debate. This guy is a Republican—surprise–and he said something horrible relating to women–double surprise. Then a bullhorn with a hairpiece made out of the straw from the Wizard of Oz scarecrow held a press conference that entailed him defecating freely from his gaping maw.

Let’s begin with the turd masquerading as an actual candidate for the U.S. Senate. Let me remind you that two people in the whole fucking state get this job. Like this is a big deal.

Giant turd Richard Mourdock decided it was a fine time to spew this from his mouth:

“Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

I’m going to address this to all men:

Men, never say anything about rape unless it is this:

“Rape is fucking awful. I’m sorry that people get raped because that is fucking awful.”

That’s all you should say about rape. Ever. If you want to tack a “but” onto the end of that sentence to add something like “she was wearing a short skirt” or “God gives babies because he’s on board with rape” then it’s time to have your tongue surgically removed so you can never utter those sentences.

Mourdock has since apologized because his words were “taken out of context.”

I’m sorry, Mr. Mourdick, but the only way I will accept your apology is if this was the sentence you snotted before saying that completely bizarre sentence. “What I’m about to say is the ravings of a small-dicked lunatic…”

Turd. Big fucking turd.

The second turd is Donald Trump, which is basically a given. Just assume that every week, Donald Trump wins Turd of the Week™. He is a masterful turd.

So he was on the old tee-vee, and he realized that there are no plans to air  The Apprentice anytime soon, so he decided to say something stupid about Pres. Barack Obama. He said:

“Turd turd turd turd turd. Turd turd turd turd turd.”

I don’t know if that’s 100 percent accurate, but I immediately go deaf when Donald Trump speaks. You can read this if you need to know more.

I certainly don’t.

So yes, the turd is back.


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55 comments

  1. Oh, the classic “She was wearing a short skirt defense”… Just stop talking. It’s illness inducing that people don’t realize what they’re saying. The only defense for saying anything so idiotic is… Yeah, there isn’t any. Even if you’re on drugs, there’s still no excuse.

  2. Richard Mourdock – never heard of this guy – but now I’ve rechristened him Dick Moredick. Did the guy actually engage his brain before he opened his mouth? I am offended by his comment on so many levels – as a woman, a religious person … oh hell, as a human being. Dick!!

    1. Well, women have their own share of…. for example… ummm…. let’s see… how about… well… hmmm…. huh, only Snooki and Kardashians come to mind, and they are saintly Einsteins compared to this Mordor Dick. Hmmm, maybe you’re right after all.

  3. The thing that was even more disturbing was how SINCERE he was when explaining that he didn’t mean it negatively. Seriously, the Republicans’ God is an asshole: rape is a gift, gays deserve AIDS and people don’t deserve affordable access to healthcare.

  4. Trump is a tool. Plain and simple. He’s a megalomaniac who will do anything to stay in the public eye. His big announcement was basically just a publicity stunt. I wish he would mysteriously disappear. As for Mourdick, is there anything evil enough that can befall someone as poisonous as he is?

    1. I’m constantly bewildered why anyone gives this hair-pieced turd any attention. This is behavior management 101–ignore the turd or else he will continue to turd it up.

  5. I am amazed that after Akin that the GOP didn’t have a little sit down and agree to just say “I’m pro choice, lets leave it at that, I don’t want to get into the semantics”. Apparently they are too stupid to do this.

    Trump is just a tumbling dickweed. He can’t help himself. I would think that a man with that ridiculous “hair” and that miserable and fugly face would want to draw less attention to himself. I read his “Huge Story” today. Tell you what Donnie Dicko. … Maybe we the American people can take up a collection and pay a charity of YOUR choice ( No, not hairclub for men) if you can shut the F%$# up for a year.

    1. Many GOPeers have such little respect for women that they see absolutely nothing wrong in saying such asinine things. It’s almost as if they view us as farm animals (one state legislator actually did compare women to the cows and pigs on his farm when he was saying why he didn’t think it was a problem for a women to carry a dead fetus inside her).

  6. The turd is back! The last few elections have made me cower in a corner with my hands over my ears yelling, “I’m not listening! I can’t hear you!” Frighteningly, I’m no less well-informed than before I stopped listening. That’s how bad the coverage is. Thanks for making me laugh about this. If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.

  7. I must remind myself NOT to read your blog while I’m eating. I nearly ended my life choking on a carrot and I would really love to go out of this world in a more glamorous fashion.

    That being said, I think we should update all of the lyrics from “The Bitch is Back” and create “The Turd is Back” and then present them to Elton John, who will be forever grateful for our contribution to politics, songwriting, and life in general.

      1. I appreciate you taking the time to do that scientific analysis to reach that level of percent. If you were running for something (Public Grouser About All Things That Suck?), you’d own my vote.

  8. They just keep opening their mouths and the crap pours out. Yet Romney is ahead in the polls? I just don’t . . . I mean these people shouldn’t have jobs at McD’s much less be freaking SENATORS or God forbid a future President. I wonder how he’d feel if he was raped. Would God have wanted that too? Dick, dick, dick, dick, TURD.

  9. I want to move to Canada. I can’t stand another two weeks of this election either. These guys shouldn’t be allowed to speak anymore. Period. They’re disgusting. So well said, Speaker, when you stated there is no “but” at the end of the sentence when it comes to rape.

  10. One day, a savvy inventor will create a device for politicians in an election year. It will put everything they say on a 5 second delay. Then we won’t know what turds they are until it is too late.

  11. I am completely boggled by the attempts to quantify rape this political season. I cannot for the life of me understand what class of voters these creeps are hoping to appeal to. Certainly not the 51% who are women. Arrrrrgh!

  12. The sickest part of this whole thing is “people” such as Turd Mourdick sincerely believe that these comments about rape, etc., are not only true, but acceptable. If you disagree, then you must be a raving, bra-burning, man-hating feminist lunatic. My mind really is blown when women are among these “people.”

  13. The return of the turd has sparked joy in my heart. Even if he’s old and chalky, he stands as a beacon of truth against all of the horrible, turdish things being said and done by giant turds everywhere. And that makes me happy. So does calling Donald Trump King of all Turds, wearing a giant Turd Crown that’s been masquerading as the worst hair “style”(???) in human history. I also really like it when God sasses Republicans for being fucking assholes. Nice picks, Speaker 7.

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