How to Write the Bestest Post

It’s hard to blog. There’s so much on TV. Occasionally you have to eat or go to some place that employs you. And then there’s the thinking of some clever Halloween costume. You really can’t go as Bernie Madoff again. That is soooooo 2008.

So you despair. You think “Oh jeez, here I am writing another post about colostomy bag decoupage. Am I going to lose readers?”

Yes. Yes, you are.

But that’s why I’m here. To tell you how to write the bestest post ever. Follow my surefire method and you will sure feel the fire. . . of awesome writing. Clearly only an awesome writer could write a sentence that awesome.

1. Sound controversial without actually being controversial.

People love them some controversy because it’s so, like, controversial and stuff. But you’ll find when you take a stand on something controversial, you attract the crazies into your world. I found this out the hard way by posting something a little political on my personal Facebook page, which prompted a “friend” to go ape-shit crazy and write a horribly racist reply. Story has nice ending though since “friend” is now “unfriend”.

It’s way better to write about something everyone agrees upon, but sound like you’re taking a stand.

Some examples:

“I know I’m gonna take some heat for saying this, but I think ice cream is creamy.”

“This may shock you, but I am a big supporter of fall foliage.”

“Well readers, today I’m taking a stand. I am against…I’ll write it again…AGAINST exploding the earth.”

And then your readers will feel all smart and cutting edge for agreeing with your “controversial” stance.

2. Include photographs.

You may have noticed the whole Freshly Pressed thingamabob on WordPress, yes? They like them some pictures, the picturey the better. But what if you take pictures like this?

Yes, that’s a problem. But did you know about a thing called the Internetscape? It has pictures on it that you can take to prettify your blogscape. Some of these pictures you can actually use too without violating someone’s copyright. (FYI–the picture of my feet is protected by copyright)

Like stock photos:

Or clip art:

You can even combine the two, and suddenly it’s not just some royalty-free images, it’s art, man.

I call this piece “Is anybody listening, dawg?”

3. Write about popular topics.

My biggest downfall was spending the first few blogging months writing Thomas the Tank Engine porn. People just weren’t into it.

So what do the people like? They seem to like this singing mop-head named Justin Fever. And Fruit Roll-ups®. Oh, and travel blogs. People love them some travel blogs. But what if you don’t travel? What if you’re like me? Someone who always likes to say “Oh my god, I love traveling” while coming up with a million reasons to avoid all travel because traveling is a giant ass ache?

There’s no reason you can’t turn your trip to the grocery store into an epic adventure.

For example: I drove slowly down the street, relishing the frequent traffic lights I encountered. At one stop, I glanced to my left and spotted a delightful pawn shop. How quaint! It makes one feel like they’ve stepped back in time looking at the VCR on display in the barbed-wire covered window.

4. Write lists.

People love them some lists. Why?

1. Because they feel like they will learn something about something

2. ???

3. Because lists remind them of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music and who doesn’t love that movie?

  • Julie Andrew haters
  • Nazis
  • nun haters

5. End with something memorable.

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with an ending. When I run into that trouble, I tack on an inspiring message at the end–even if it has nothing to do with anything I just wrote because people like to be inspired. Do you know that 95 percent of the population own some version of the kitten “Hang in there, baby” poster?

Hang in there, baby.

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83 comments

  1. Speaker7,
    Here’s my tip: curse without using the F word, but find words that are indeed more offensive than “fuck”, but pack a punch, a really dirty punch. Examples:

    . “My tonsils hurt like Paul Ryan”.
    . “Fuck me? No Honey Boo Boo you!” <- See how I was the bigger man here?
    Le Clown

  2. Another tip for a post is to steal someone’s idea and link back to them so they feel honored and not violated. Bloggers love it when someone links back to their posts. And it keeps you from taxing your brain trying to come up with an idea for a post.

    1. This is ingenious. And then I can also create a fake controversy and blame Speaker 7 for not blowing up the world. World didn’t explode. Gee, thanks Speaker 7. And thanks for a swell post too! (Archaic language free of charge.)

  3. Make fun of yourself. Everyone has a bit of the schadenfreude in them. They love to laugh at others. So laugh at yourself and give you readers what they want. Oh u may mock others like politicians, authors and your husband but never ur blogging support group

  4. Holy crap this was hilarious and entirely relatable. I understand that this was (choose at least one):

    1. Sardonic
    2. Hyperbole
    3. Other big word about funny stuff (I get things)

    However I might just employ one, if not all if your pointers anyway.

    1. The reasons why you should follow my list are:
      1. The dough will start rolling in, and I’m speaking of literal dough
      2. Love will conquer all
      3. The children are our future

  5. the love i feel for you and this post would overwhelm the blogosphere. i wish i had some manipulated clip art to express how i feel. looooool….. goddang it, woman, goddang it. i also loved this… 2.???? loooool. xo, sm

    1. I wish you did too. Like I wish you could find a picture of a guy in a hardhat with a unicorn flying over his head or something. That says love like nothing else. That’s what is always flying through my head when I read one of your posts.

  6. I go for non-obvious plagiarism. Steal something that no one would read anyway – The Philosophy of Imelda Marcos; How to Adjust your Garter Snaps from no-longer-in-print editions of Ladies Home Journal or something from the National Review. No one will read it this time either but it does fill up your post page.

  7. This truly is the bestest “How to”about writing I have read. You should add, however, that re-crapping the worst crap you can find (TV show, book, etc.) also works really well.

  8. This may shock you, but today I brought not a single shot coffee, but a double shot. Shocked? Of course you are. Because that’s just how I roll.
    P.S. You forgot ‘Make sure you draw incredible stick men pictures wherever possible.’ Add that, and your list is foolproof. :)

  9. Are there any other people out there who haven’t seen the Sound of Music… for all the reasons listed????
    And please don’t sneer at ‘going to the grocery’ stories. I’ve built a life-time’s career on writing about going to the grocery…
    apart from that – all good!!! ( all good is the only bit of slang I’ve managed to catch onto in the last seventy odd years)

  10. You’ve inspired me to audit my blog to see if I am writing bestest posts ever… So, posts controversial popular topics with pictures and arranged into lists: check, check, check, and definitely CHECK. The only thing I am missing is the kitten!

    1. The kitten is really key. And it doesn’t have to be just the kitten. There are so many banal inspiring sayings you can use to motivate people like “If you love something, set it free so it can find a horse to lead to spilt milk.”

    1. That would be a dream of mine–to have my beautiful head-banned feet plastered on the front page of wordpress, but alas, it looks like they will have to wait another day for their glory in the sun.

  11. You mean you’re supposed to use royalty-free images? Oops. Also, I disagree about the ice cream thing. It is not creamy. It is creepy. That might be 50 Shades talking. Also Thomas the Tank Engine porn – what’s not to like? Those creepy ass faces and the trains bumping into each other . . . oh dear God.

  12. Well, I totally missed out during the toddler years. Here I thought Thomas the Tank was invented to turn my mind to goo and it’s porn! Paul Ryan! That’s really Mitt Romney!

  13. Oh sh*t. I’m wearing blue!

    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about how accurate this is. If you had called it “10 Ways to Write the Bestest Post” it probably would’ve been Freshly Pressed.

  14. The list…oh, the list! And the ending! That kitten on the brink of death has always made me weep. In so many ways, this post should be Freshly Pressed. If I write that in a comment, sometimes it happens. I can make it happen. I’m telling ya, I know some peeps in high up places — like the kitten hanging from the rope, I know that kitten.

    I wrote about how much I love fall foliage and it was hugely controversial. I think someone pointed out how it gets darker early in the fall and that they didn’t like that.

  15. I love lists! Here’s a small list of why I love listing:
    1. Lists take up space so it looks like you’re writing a lot more than you really are.
    – Bullet points don’t kill people. People kill people. Bullet points inform.
    2. Lists are easier to digest than those pesky paragraphs.
    B. You’ve inspired me to try my unartful hand at manipulating clip art.

  16. Whoopee! I loved this. Defintely the bestest how-to-write-a-good-blog-post blog post. I am gonna follow you now and unfollow that other writer who is constantly punting his books and novels and magazines and art and…anyway, I am unfollowing him!

    1. You are in luck. I have nothing to market just my amazing…um…what’s that word? You know where you type the thing and then stuff appears and stuff? Oh right, writing. My amazing writing advice!

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