Let’s Finish this Twat so I can be Fifty Shades Freed (pgs. 501-548)

This is it, gentle reader.

The end.

It took some time getting to this point. My brain has shrunken to the size of a vaginal ball. I no longer recognize how sentences are properly constructed. And I’ve begun to call the wart on my left thumb “my inner goddess.” I sometimes dress it in cheerleading outfits.

Since we’re at the end, I would like to let you in on a little secret:

I fucking hate this book more than I fucking hated the other two.

The other two sucked an electrified butt plug, but this book is the king of the shitheap hill. There was no reason for it–no reason for any of them–but really no reason for this other than for E.L. James to make a bazillion more dollars.

Let’s get this over with. We left off with Ana saving the day with her lima-bean-sized brain and gun-firing skills, her in-and-out-of consciousness in the hospital and Speaker7 praying for an early demise.

Christian remembers that his foster mother called him “baby bird,” and suddenly Jack Hyde’s ransom note makes sense.

I’m glad it does for you, Christian, since I have never seen or heard anything about it. This from the author who included Christian’s BDSM contract verbatim. TWICE!

Baby bird is from the book Are You My Mother? Christian explains. Jack knew he loved it.

Will you tell the police? Ana wonders.

Okay, stop. Let’s stop. What the fuck is going on? Why is this relevant? Anybody have a theory?

Thanks Hugo. Fair point well made ol’ chap.

Ana wants to bang, but Christian wants to talk about Mrs. Robinson raping him.

Awesome.

As a teen, Christian did yard work for her so he had money to maintain his drinking habit. Good thing that’s cleared up since he drinks daily.

He made some smart-ass remark and Mrs. Robinson slapped him. Then she kissed him and slapped him again like some cardboard heroine from a 1950′s movie.

“‘Well naturally I was confused and angry and horny as hell. I mean, a hot older woman comes on to you like that–’ He shakes his head as if he still can’t believe it.

Hot? I feel queasy.”

Way to keep perspective, Ana. Yes this is the exact moment to get jealous.

Mrs. Robinson made the world make sense until Ana turned everything upside down with her super vagina and commendable lip biting abilities.

More blather about loving her so much and her being the greatest thing since the hot dog dicer. He then explains his dickish actions when she told him she was pregnant. He left to see Dr. Flynn, but Dr. Flynn was running the bake sale or some such made-up shit at the local school so he went to the salon to talk to Mrs. Robinson.

They split a bottle of wine since Mrs. Robinson was the one who got Christian to stop drinking. She made a pass at him and he was like ewww.

Ana wonders if they kissed.

Christian said he thought about junior Grey having relations with an adult, and realized maybe it wasn’t all hunky dory.

Christian tells Ana he wants to be the center of her universe, but knows that’s over once the bun is cooked in her oven. Ana platitudes bullshit about children loving their parents unconditionally. Um…other way around, tootsie roll, say all parents of teenagers.

A day passes. Ana’s horny. She decides to dress sexily and brush her hair sexily. She wants scrambled eggs for breakfast and this greeted as surprising news by all, except for me because I’m scraping a fork against my eyeball.

Argue-time over whether she can go to work. Then she sees he’s wearing pajama bottoms. I don’t know if they’re hanging off his hips in that way. Are they? Are they??!?!??!?

He’s staying home too to keep Ana under guard so she won’t get into trouble like put a fork in an electrical outlet or get into the cleaning supplies under the sink.

Christian starts to feel up her leg with Mrs. Jones in the room. Banter about wanting to screw, and Mrs. Jones is trying to hide her smile, according to Ana. I really don’t think Mrs. Jones gives a fuck, but okay Ana, it’s from your addled-brain’s point of view.

They go to look at the boring house renovations and have a boring picnic in the meadow. Uh-oh–phone call from Welch. Mrs. Robinson’s ex Linc was the one who bailed out Jack Hyde!

Holy shit! Wait–who the fuck is he? And why the fuck do I care? And fuck?

Christian will destroy him. Awesome. This is as compelling as if I learned Noah Logan was behind it all. Remember him? Yeah, I don’t either, but at least he made an appearance on one page in this book unlike the super villain Linc.

The bankrupting of Linc gets them all hot and bothered and they screw. It’s the same-old, same-old. Some hair fisting, teeth clashing, inflaming loins. Christian pokes his fingers through her panties, which causes them to disintegrate. (?) Guess what? Ana’s wet. Like always.

Two more days pass, Christian is playing his dopey piano, but not the usual sad melody, something upbeat “Pop Goes the Weasel.” Ana uses this time to compose a stupid email and sneak off into the playroom. End, goddammit! End.

Oh, it’s the epilogue – May 2014.

Everyone’s dead.

Unfortunately no. For some reason we go back to the time in the playroom, and they do it. Why this needed to be a flashback is something that will require me to travel to the year 2014 and flashback upon.

Back to the future again. Ana’s pregnant with second child, a daughter. She tells Christian that the baby is dancing and makes the completely appropriate remark: “I think she likes sex already.”

*cue the montage*

Then Christian says this gem: “I’m looking forward to the taste of breast milk again.” I’m so glad they’re able to find a use for their babies in their sexual escapades. That seems so….fuck.

They play with their boy Teddy, and the end.

Wait a second. . . I’m at page 548, and what is this shit? Shades of Christian? Oh no, no, no, no, no. Nope. You do not get to tack on your writing exercises at the end, E.L., for me to slog through after I just read 4,000 pages of your potato scrapings. No thank you. NO. No I do not need to read the first flippin’ book again from Christian’s perspective. Guess what, y’all. It still sucks. What’s next? From the perspective of the pencil sharpener?

Shades of a Pencil Sharpener

Holy cow, these two are fucking idiots. You’re damn right! Who said that? It’s me, your inner pencil sharpener. What’s up, dawg? You want to go sharpen some pencils so we drown out these morons’ hissing and muttering and arrghhing? Word.

(To go to the beginning of my decline, click here)

 

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79 comments

  1. I’d say Bravo but I don’t know if you can read this in a straitjacket in a soundproof room. E L James is now writing a follow up in which Ana becomes pregnant with fraternal twins, who use all of her body organs to reach new heights of sexual ecstasy while still en utero. Christian places a mini-cam up her pie hole and records the antics, so they can then get all hot and bothered and have sex with Anna’s new Cuisenart. The two children not in utero place themselves up for adoption with a Boise, Idaho Tea Party family.

    1. Renee,
      Comment of the century. I don’t know how you do it, but you continually top your most amazing comments. I am afraid E.L. James will see this and actually make it come true.

  2. Because your posts have temporarily taken over my medulla oblongata (usually reserved for thoughts of chocolate and the imminent demise of the planet), I continued to think about EL James’ new book while in the shower. The title came to me during the rinse out of my hair: Born Again Christian.

  3. I vomited, too. On my computer. EL James owes me a new laptop. I am so glad you’re finished with having to read this mess, and I feel more than a little guilty for twisting your arm and making you do it.

  4. See, now, if I’m being completely honest, I’m a little sad this is over. I mean, I’m elated for you, and I hope that you can find a way to return to your former brain capacity, but I’m sad for me and your readers. You’ve brought many laughs, tears and cuss words with your recraps. You also gave me an excuse to buy a new laptop (spitting hot tea on your keyboard is not a good idea, FYI). I will go into mourning now.

  5. “What the fuck kind of name is Linc? Is he a Palin?” Bawahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
    You are too funny Speaker 7!

    I will miss reading re-caps of these god-awful books. I am so glad you stuck through them all and made us laugh until we could laugh no more :)

    P.S. Apparently there is a new book series out that – get this- COPIES 50 Shades of Crap almost word for word! And, it’s in the top pre-ordered books list on Amazon. Shoot me now! Here is the link to it: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/ref=pe_180750_25708490_pe_b1/?ASIN=0425263916 (this is the 2nd book)

  6. Speaker7,
    It’s almost anti-climactic, isn’t it, getting to the end of such an endeavour, or in FSOG’s lexicon, anti-climaxic. X marks the spot. I told my wife not too long ago that you were mental for reading through this, and by mental, I meant mental… but courageous and benevolent. I know on one hand you have learned so many things sexually, your husband will only thank you. You’ve learned about Outlook, which will just improve your resume. I’m sure also that reading FSOG made Tiger Wood look like a 1/8 black version of Burt Reynold, and that’s not a bad thing compared to Christian Grey. I can only thank you for doing this. Now. What?
    Le Clown

    1. I think the Outlook skills will be the most handy. I feel bad for my husband since this book has put me off any form of relations with any form of humans.
      Now what, you ask? Duels.

  7. I don’t know how you’ve done it! But I’ve enjoyed reading this and I seriously think you should consider putting this into book form as a parody of it. Well done! Now, scrub your brain out somehow — you may have to offset it with some Proust or something.

  8. Yeah! Not to start the vomiting again but what the hell was all the Popsicle licking off the boys hands about? “have daddy lick your hands tedward he wants some too.”.

  9. You’re a better woman than I am, Speaker7. I wouldn’t have made it even halfway through the first book before I turned into a violent meth addict or before I was committed to an asylum for the criminally insane. Or both.

    And a special thanks to Hugo and Goofy for their heroic efforts. They’ll never be clean again.

  10. “My brain has shrunken to the size of a vaginal ball.”—I didn’t know such a thing was possible, but I completely understand how reading this type of thing might just make it a reality.

  11. This weekend, I watched ‘Secretary’. The lead character was, wait for it, Edward Grey, and, he looked as Christian Grey is supposed to look. It’s about a D/s relationship. It contains a clumsy submissive type. What are the chances she saw the film and–nah. The film is good. I lost my brain for a moment.

    PS Heavens to Betsy? Made me guffaw. I love guffaw laughs, don’t you?

  12. goddamn it, goddamn it, goddamn it. i’m almost sorry your hell is over because these are soooooo funny. and what are they eating during the montage – “bacon-d*cks”? because that’s what i assumed they were. and i have to say everyone needs one of those. sweet lawd, woman, you kill me. please continue with something. i’m tempted to write bad erotica, just so you can do this again… loool. xo, sm

    1. I’m sure there will be another piece of dreck that I can sink my rotting brain into. And as many people have said before me, she has another book coming out. And the 400 movies they’ll make out of E.L.’s 3-page story.

      1. Fast forward fifteen years: Phoebe Grey is pregnant by a “pal” of her dad’s. After locking his daughter in the dungeon, Christian seeks out grandbabydaddy and beats him to death. Christian goes to jail where he finds out the true meaning of hard limits – without the paperwork!!

  13. My congratulations on completing a challenge most of us would find daunting. Well, I know I’d find it such…

    I’d forward the concoction of your choice to any address you wish to email me for your trouble; seriously, you deserve a round on me…

  14. He likes the taste of her breast milk? Well, there are worse things he’s had in his mouth…….One question: How does this get made into a movie without it being porn? If you cut out all the sex you just have Anna standing around listening to the wind whistle between her ears. Or labia. Whichever.

    1. That is a good question. If you cut out the sex, and the all the things E.L. James repeats over and over again, it’s a five minute movie. And you’re description of the wind whistling between her ears is better than anything you would ever actually see on the screen.

  15. Congrats!!! Did your obscene stuffed animals jump off a cliff or will they be sticking around? Perhaps you could send them as a baby gift to someone you hate.

    The idea of Ana and Christian procreating is frightening.

  16. I feel empty inside. So empty. So damn empty. I can’t believe it’s over. Is it selfish and sadistic of me to wish there was another book so this series wouldn’t end? Yes.

    I guess I’ll need to go find a hobby now. Like selling my breastmilk on the internet.

  17. Speaker – Congratulations on completing this arduous task. Although the little what’s left of your brain aches, we all had a ball participating in its untimely demise. Wine, pills and book burning will definitely cure it.

    It’s in these final pages that E L James fucks up character motivation so royally. Really, she should look that stuff up!!! If Jekyll Hyde has a grudge against Christian why for fucks sake did he only start keeping a file on the Grey clan AFTER super vagAna started working for him. Surely, it couldn’t be a nincompoop with the sexual maturity of a lamppost that tipped him over the edge? Wouldn’t he have been stalking Christian a long time before … you know, like Christian would have done.

    As for finger lickin’ his kids fingers – ew ew ew ew ew ew yuck. And good one naming the kid Teddy – nobody ever will figure out the Twilight connection there – we’ve all lost our brains reading this fucking tripe.

  18. I wonder if James added all that information about Ana’s eating “issues” so you could pitch something like this (it would be the only valid excuse for me):

    “She wants scrambled eggs for breakfast and this greeted as surprising news by all, except for me because I’m scraping a fork against my eyeball.”

    Great posts and glad you made it through. Following!

  19. You are my hero, now I know what happened in these crappy books without having to actually read them. I am sure your version is much better than the original. You have truly done the world a great service by exposing this stinking dung heap for what it really is

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