Once upon a time, there was a little Speaker7 who desperately wished she never heard of Fifty Shats of Grey. But heard she did, and now as she clings to her last functioning bit of brain and the anti-freeze digesting in her stomach, she dreams of a mostly bleak future when Fifty Shats Freely will be finished.
Two more recraps after this one. Two more, her inner hellbeast thinks while its razor-sharp teeth cuts through the cardboard cut-out meant to represent Ana Steele Grey’s inner goddess. (For more brain-damaging fun, click here)
Now we’ve just experienced a litany of plot twists that makes me surmise E.L. James had no idea what to write between the clinking of genitals. I had you vote on what you thought would happen next, and the majority voted for Speaker7 drinks a fourth glass of wine. I wish, gentle reader, I wish. But alas that was not the correct response.
You must be wondering which one was correct. Or like me, don’t give a shitball of shit. Well I won’t leave you guessing too long. There is a Pad of Bachelors I need to recrap after all.
So there’s a kidnapping and Ana is trying to get $5 million dollars rounded up. Should I just stop here and say this is the worst plot twist ever? Or is that shooting myself in the foot because in the next 50 pages, Ana will be flying to Tibet to rescue the Golden Child from evil sorcerers?
Ana’s at the bank. She has Leila’s gun tucked in the waistband of her jeans. I will laugh so hard if she gets arrested.
The bank teller gives her an “insincere smile” which earns her the clever moniker “Miss Insincere Smile.” Hate. I’m feeling such hate at this moment. Miss Insincere Smile arches an even more insincere eyebrow, and what the fuck is that? What is that? How is that done? Miss Insincere Facial Features asks sarcastically “You have an account with us?”
FUCK THIS BOOK.
This does not happen. Maybe in the cafeteria of some 1980’s teen movie where the nerd can’t sit at the cool table, but then gets a new haircut and a pleather jacket and suddenly has an all access pass to Popularityville.
Ana’s vagina answers “This is the human encasement for the mighty Grey schlong.” Miss Insincere Gimmick gets all flustery and pees a little, and rolls out a tiny red carpet just big enough for a ruby-encrusted vaginal ball.
Ana gets passed along to the manager and there’s back-and-forth over this withdrawal being highly irregular, and I’m sorry the time this takes? Yeah Mia is dead. You had two hours, Ana, not two years. I guess the manager calls Christian when he leaves for the 18th time and Christian thinks Ana is leaving him and wants his money. He hisses at her to “take it all,” which must be hard because there are no sibilants in that sentence.
Nine more years pass, and Ana finally gets the money, but sees her security detail in the lobby. She is able to evade them by holding up a finger and mouthing “wait.” Seriously? She calls Jack Hyde and he says he has a car waiting for her. She goes out the back and it’s. . .
Da-da-dumbbbbbbbbbbbbbb!!!
Elizabeth.
Wait, who? I don’t know who this is. It’s Elizabeth from the office, Ana thinks. Still not helping, and I refuse to go back through any of the books to find a reference to her so let’s just gasp and say “Holy craptwats³!”
Elizabeth asks for Ana’s cell phone and throws it into the garbage. Who is this woman Ana thinks. Okay, so you don’t know either. That makes me feel better.
Oh wait, Ana does know her, but doesn’t understand why she’s helping the Scooby Doo villain.
Does Jack have some hold on you, Ana asks. Elizabeth slams the brakes and Ana goes crashing into the headrest. I’m starting to like Elizabeth.
They drive to an abandoned building. Jack is there wearing a suit, and “oozing arrogance and hatred.”
He beats Ana up. She hits her head on the concrete. Ana pulls her gun out and shoots Jack in the thigh and passes out to the sounds of car tires screeching and Christian’s voice. She eventually will be in and out of consciousness. *DingDingDing* This is the correct answer in the plot twist poll. Congratulations eight voters!
The hospital sequence is one million pages. Or it feels that way. She comes in and out of consciousness, catching snippets of conversation. Most of it is about how remarkable Ana is #bullshittheories.
We get to hear her stepdad Ray saying “If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will. What the hell was she thinking?”
Wha? Sure Ray is a piece of plastic wrap, but he was a little normal. Now he’s like Christian?
FUCK THIS BOOK.
Finally Ana comes to because of her need to pee. There’s a whole thing about Ana being grossed out by her catheter. For fuck’s sake. Then she doesn’t want to pee in front of Christian, and the nurse argues with Christian, and Christian eventually picks Ana up and plops her on the toilet. She can’t pee with him standing there. Well Christian isn’t leaving….and this goes on forever. And I just don’t relate. If I have to pee to the point of bladder burstment, I’m peeing. I don’t care who’s there. In fact I’m peeing in my pants right now.
There’s some blathering about “I love you” “No, I love you” and the ordering of chicken soup. It feels as boring as an actual hospital visit except you don’t get to distract yourself by occasionally glancing up at the Wheel of Fortune episode playing on the TV.
Christian enjoys watching Ana chow down so much, he begins masturbating. He relates how he knew something was afoot when Taylor called and said Jack made bail. Please continue to forget that Jack was remanded with no bail.
“I don’t know how Sawyer found me,” Ana dumbs. Um. . . because everybody knew you were at the bank?
Ana wants to know why Christian went to see Elena.
Christian crawls into her hospital bed (!) and promises to talk about it tomorrow. The nurse comes in and frowns to see Christian in the bed. Ana says “Don’t be a stinker, be a thinker.” (not really, but it’s believable, yes?) Christian mumbles in his sleep “Don’t touch me. No more. Only Ana.” There are so many levels of shits I don’t give at this point.
Ana wakes up, and Christian is gone. Her father-in-law peeks in, and they have this charming exchange, and by charming I mean I want to scrape my knuckles against a cheese grater a bizallion times.
“‘He’s a little mad at you, as he should be,’ Carrick smirks. Ah, this is where Christian gets it from.
‘Christian is always mad at me.’
‘Is he?’ Carrick smiles, pleased–as if this is a good thing. His smile is infectious.”
FUCK THIS BOOK.
Dear Every Character in this Book,
Please succumb to some flesh-eating virus.
Love,
Speaker7
Christian brings Ana breakfast and his peen hardens when she wolfs it down. Why so hungry little bird? Because I’m preggers you big dope. Ooh, the non-elephant in the room. They whisper and hoarse-talk–which is different then horse talk because there’s less neigh–about being frightened about becoming parents. You know who should really be frightened? Your child.
Christian wonders if butt plugs can substitute for pacifiers, and Ana says the child will love Christian unconditionally–unless Christian acts like he has this entire series.
Ana is given the all clear to leave the hospital, and Christian actually checks on the sexing status with the doc. Awesome.
At home, the enormity of the stupid plot twists finally hits Ana and she “keens quietly” again. That is amazing.
Christian picks her up like a child (actual description) and they take a shower together–let us all pray to whatever sky deity we pray to and hope that E.L. James no longer means the child analogy because holy fuck gross shitballs butt plug. Christian unveils why Elizabeth helped Jack. They had a sex tape together. He taped all his sexual acts. I don’t get this because usually that kind of thing lands you a reality television show in this country.
Christian also leans the connection between him and Jack. They were at the same foster home. Um…okay. Did he do this because the Greys adopted you and not him, Ana wonders. Sure, why not?
Ana thinks Christian should talk to his parents so he invites them over and it turns into a big party. Before I leave you, I want to illustrate how remarkable Ana is with this passage:
“(Mia) looks fine. Impeccably dressed in tight black jeans and a pale prink frilly blouse. I’m glad I’m wearing my comfortable wrap dress and flats. At least I look reasonably presentable”
Yeah, she’s remarkably awful.
Speaker7 
I’ve got nothing.
You, however, have my deepest sympathies, as I’d have offed myself long before now.
Maybe Speaker is writing this from Purgatory?
It sure feels like Purgatory.
I admire your fortitude. Seriously. I hereby nominate you for the Purple Heart.
It comes in the shape of a buttplug. My question: Why doesn’t Christian use gags on her more often? Except then she’d still thinkfart. Okay, just use the gun.
Thank you for the nod. I believe I’ve earned it for sacrificing so much for my country. It warms my bottom to know it comes in the shape of a buttplug.
Another gem of a re-cap! FUCK THIS BOOK is right! Love!
I feel like I scream that sentence constantly in my head whenever I’m reading it.
I know I’ve been pretty free and easy with the advice, but I’ve got another little grain of wisdom for you: you should set up a PayPal account for your blog so people could donate some money to you for having to endure these books. Milk-squirting-out-the-nose-hilarious, as always.
I don’t think there’s enough money in the world. Maybe we should just link her up directly to a liquor store account.
I like both suggestions.
Oh, nooooo nooooo noooos. You will see in my next recraps of book two that I am already starting to lose it with all the crap nothing buttsquats going on. Nothiiiiiing happens. Why? Why tell us all about the bank? Every last word? Why? Just say – Ana went to bank. There ya go. And the pee thing? We must make a big deal about the potty? Just, seriously?
And women get off on this? Why? I’m so tired of the idiot lame stupid awful sex scenes that I skim them. I just don’t care. Except if you skim those scenes, you get to more useless crap that adds nothing to the plot and . . . what I meant to say is I feel your pain. Fuckballs.
Yes the sex scenes are excruciating. They seem to have tapered off at the end of book 3 and that’s why we get so much description on banking transactions and peeing phobias. It’s boring, but it’s actually less pukey.
I busted my gut reading this. Absolutely hilarious.
Thanks! E.L. James writes the funniest non-funny books.
I don’t know if it’s Hugo’s tight grasp on my psyche, but I swear one of my neighbors has a Hugoesque puppet in their garage. I almost got into an accident because I was craning my neck to see it.
Oooh! That sounds mysterious. You must find out and then maybe you can slip a message from my Hugo to your neighbor’s Hugo.
I worry about Hugo, I think he’s just phoning it in now.
Hugo has been phoning it in since book 2.
Well, that solves it: God is dead. There is no way in hell that a living God would allow this __(insert craptwatdouchebaggreenpeenish-like description here)__ book to be published. Ladies and gentlemen, we are most certainly witnessing the end of days.
I know. It was a good run though. Wait..was it?
He hisses at her to “take it all,” which must be hard because there are no sibilants in that sentence. – That made me literally laugh out loud.
In other news, it looks like Hugo has some competition: http://youtu.be/h5rUqNP40wY
Sigh. Only that first sentence was supposed to be in italics.
Dangnit! The video was removed before I had a chance to see it. Boo!
Oh, that’s sad. It was “Morgan Freeman” (an impersonator, but a really good one) reading and commenting on passages from 50 Shades.
I have to say, I can relate to Ana a little bit. I was once a lobotomized dish sponge in college, but just once, and I was drunk.
Now you’ve put Ana into perspective. It will make her a little easier to understand.
So am I to believe that this Elizabeth lady is willing to commit several felonies in order to avoid having her sex tape come out? The sex tape of a nobody? And this is incentive to commit a felony… because? Fuck it… I give up. FUCK THIS BOOK!
Yup.
And the way they ignore the nurse and she thinks it’s so fucking cute… AGH! FUCK THIS BOOK! If I were that nurse I’d call the fucking security on that egotist douchenozzle…
Oh, didn’t you know they’re the most fabulous, charming, wonderful couple in the entire universe? There are countless examples of the two of them acting like the biggest a-holes, and people lapping it up.
I vote that for the very last recrap you do the following:
1. crap into a shoebox
2. take a picture of said stinky shoebox
3. post said picture of said stinky shoebox to blog
You are a genius. This sounds like a plan.
I hate to sound so rational, but what would most people find worse? A sex tape or landing in prison for criminal mischief?
And what do you want to bet in book FOUR Christian starts ordering her to pee on command and she gets over her… whatever it is? If you don’t answer this comment because you jumped out a window at the possibility of a book four, I’ll understand.
I googled the fourth book because I was thinking “this has to be a joke, right? This can’t be real?” And it looks like it might actually happen so I am going to go live in a bunker.
Actually, another trilogy will be released soon. Fifty Shades of Grey… from… *drum roll please*… Christian Grey’s point of view. Whoop-dee-do-fartballs!
E.L. James will call it- “Grey’s Fifty Shades of Grey”. Yeah, I like the sound of that just as much as someone likes a kidney stone that hasn’t passed yet.
Your closing quote from Ana makes me to jam 1982 fashion plates under my fingernails. First of all, both their outfits blow. Secondly, I can’t read “wrap dress” here without thinking Ana’s wearing a wide sheet of Saran Wrap stretched around her torso.
Butt plugs used as pacifiers just might make the Double-Duty Uses feature in October’s Real Simple magazine.
Yes, E.L. James should really never describe anything…or write anything. That is a great idea for a Real Simple submission. I will give you the credit.
Oh god – I now have a mental picture of Ana wrapped in Saran Wrap laid out on a table with Christian standing over her, knife in hand a la Dexter
To quote from your post: “Christian enjoys watching Ana chow down so much, he begins masturbating.” This often happens to me. Unfortunately, the other people in the restaurant are not amused.
Can the millions of readers of this book be wrong? In a word, yes.
My son has the Vtech truck …. I will never be able to watch him play with it ever again… thanks for that!!
This book makes a lot of sense if you bash your head against the wall fifty times…
…I’m lying. Nothing will help you make sense of this book.
Thank you, Speaker7, for sacrificing a good chunk of your brain cells to give us yet another hilarious recrap.
I have bashed my head against a wall 50 times and found that I enjoy being unconscious because then I am not reading the book.
“Holy fuck gross shitballs butt plug.” You said it, sister. If this is the quality of writing that publishers look for these days, I should just queef on a tissue and mail it to them. They’ll publish it and I’ll make millions.
congrats on finally finishing the book. I salute you for your perseverance. 🙂 I must admit though, that I would miss these entertaining recraps 🙂
I applaud your perseverance in finishing the book. It’s sort of like being in a slop-eating contest and winning and then having to spend a lot of time pooping strange stuff. Except there is no prize and you have more teeth.
This is just, you know, an old fashioned love story. E.L. James was happy to learn she wasn’t a perv. Maybe not a perv, but definitely a crappy writer.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/booknews/9526791/50-Shades-of-Grey-Just-an-old-fashioned-love-story-says-EL-James.html
So I’m a little behind on reading these, but I LOVE them. Despite all the dumb crap, to use Ana’s favorite word, the thing the bugs me the most about this part is the fact that she’s not peeing while a CATHETER is in her. Um, the reason they use those is because they drain your bladder so you don’t have to pee. Maybe Ana has a magical bladder and urethra? Or maybe E. L. can’t research anything, at all, ever.