Curious George and the Monkey Anus Chocolate

Today I am hosting my first-ever guest post. I don’t know why I’ve never done this before because you do barely any work and reap all the glory. This is what it must feel like to be in top management. Anyhoo, my first guestblogger is Angie Z. of Childhood Relived. Here are things you should know about Angie Z:

  1. She has a photographic memory
  2. She is the funniest writer on earth and writes a terrific blog about the horrors of childhood.
  3. She has a Brady Bunch DVD box set.
  4. She is my BBFF.

I was honored to be asked by Speaker7 to write a guest post for her today.

Speaker7 is my Best Blog Friend Forever.  So if she says, “Jump,” I ask, “How high?”  And if she says, “Guest post,” I ask, “How many words?”  And if she says, “Restraining order,” I ask, “Can I still call you?”

I’m a big fan of Speaker7’s ongoing recaps of the wretched book series 50 Shades of Grey – which she’s lovingly coined “recraps”.

So today I thought it’d be fitting if I offered a recrap of my own.  And since I write a childhood nostalgia blog, I thought I’d recrap a children’s book to give it my own flavor.  I’ve selected Curious George Goes to a Chocolate Factory.

I hate this book.  I hate Curious George.  I hate monkeys.  I know this sounds harsh – my mom told me not to hate anything.  But I hate all of it.  Especially monkeys.  Especially monkeys of the (1) Wizard of Oz, (2) organ grinder and (3) cymbal-bashing varieties.

Curious George is less monkeyish and more chimp-like and therefore doesn’t wig me out like most monkeys – but he annoys the hell out of me.  And every time my kids bring me his books to read, I feel it’s my duty to first offer them the medical textbook photos of the monkeypox virus and then show them the most watched YouTube video of all time, a monkey sniffing its own fecal odor before contentedly passing out against a tree.

Oh, monkeys.

In every Curious George book, George wreaks havoc on the world.  People get hurt, things are broken, dreams are destroyed.

Someone always gets mad at George (and reasonably so) for all the stuff he’s screwed up.  And then someone always rushes to George’s defense and says, “But this monkey is the one who saved everything!”  And then everyone whole-heartedly agrees that George is a hero.  And then the Man with the Yellow Hat comes out smelling like roses, despite that he’s the one who recklessly abandoned his monkey in a train station/library/air control tower/strip club with no regard for human life.

Expect more of the same in this book.

In Curious George Goes to a Chocolate Factory, the Man with the Yellow Hat is obviously high as a kite and jonesing for chocolate.  With George in tow, he decides to stop at a chocolate factory to satisfy his munchies.  What could go wrong?

While there, the Man with the Yellow Hat decides to step out for an hour and snort a line of coke – but not before telling George to stay out of trouble while he’s gone.  Which is about like telling George to stop smearing his feces on the wall.  Not gonna happen.

While watching through a window with the other factory visitors, George spots his favorite chocolate on the conveyor belt – banana cream.  And for one fleeting second, I feel a Darwinian kinship to George – like he’s not so bad, like our DNA is more similar than I’d let on.  Because I’ve never once run across a banana cream among the nutty nougats and oozy garbage typically found in a box of chocolates.  And I’d argue that artificial banana flavor is the best artificial flavor of all time, beating out (1) artificial coconut, (2) artificial pistachio and (3) artificial bubble gum.  Indeed, this is a cause worth fighting for, George.

George enters the factory to get to the banana cream chocolates.  He begins eating them off the conveyor belt while the workers obliviously walk around him as if he’s camouflaged by a monkey-shaped chocolate suit.

But then – surprise, surprise – while reaching for a chocolate, George accidentally steps on the lever that speeds up the conveyor belt.

Chocolates fly off the belt.  Workers panic and cause a stampede.  A man is crushed to death in a gear collision.  Chaos ensues.

To play the hero, George jumps in and quickly puts the chocolates into boxes before they fall onto the floor.  He saves the chocolates, everyone!  Thank you, George!

Okay, pop quiz time.  Which would you rather have mixed in with your box of chocolates?  (A) Factory Floor Dust.  (B) Monkey Anus.

Trick question.  The correct answer was (C) Anything But Monkey Anus.

Of course, just as disaster is diverted by George, the Man with the Yellow Hat returns from his three-day drug binge with the innocent look of someone who’s played no role in causing an industrial holocaust.

Of course, the factory workers are so grateful for George’s “help” that they reward him with a box of chocolates.

George can’t eat a single one.  He groans and rubs his tummy that is now full with banana cream, his own feces and the mites he’s picked off the Man with the Yellow Hat.  He waves the chocolates away with his hand, which I interpret to mean, “They don’t taste as good when they’re not stolen.”

And with that, the Man with the Yellow Hat and Curious George wave goodbye and jump back in their car – off to the next town, where George will rob a gas station while the Man with the Yellow Hat steps out to visit a hooker.

 
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120 comments

    1. Yes, quite a medical mess he got himself into there. And this in addition to the fact that George is an illegal immigrant. Tax dollars at work indeed. Egad, what would the Tea Party think?

  1. I object to Curious George on moral grounds. The Man in the Yellow Hat poached a baby monkey and stole him from the jungle. Why did Customs look the other way when he brought the monkey into the country? And why in the name of lemurs did anyone let a primate into a chocolate factory. Health department? Shut ‘er down!

    1. He poached a monkey back when it was cool to capture animals and take them home with you. I noticed in later stories they try to cover up the poaching part, but we know your dark secrets, man with the yellow hat.

      1. You’re absolutely right! I almost forgot about this dark bit of history myself. I think there was an even earlier Curious George book where the Man with the Yellow Hat tells racist jokes to school children.

    2. And why, after stealing a baby monkey, is the Man with the Yellow Hat always dressed like the great white hunter? And why yellow? There’s just so many reasons not to like the guy. His drug habit is the only thing that really humanizes him to me.

  2. I made the horrible mistake of reading about pinworms yesterday. And then, because I had made such a terrible mistake, I had to share every thing I learned about pinworms with my husband. I did at least wait until after dinner, after the child had been put to bed, when we were sitting on the couch flicking through our 5 TV channels. We landed on an episode of Curious George where George is working in some lady’s shop, giving away the merch for free because he is a monkey with little to no understanding of commerce. The shop lady was getting mad, but I was more disgusted by the pinworm eggs that were clearly being distributed all over the shop because no creature touches its own butt more than a monkey. Particularly a curious one.

    1. Can I just go back in a time machine now and rewrite this entire post to include the fact that a curious monkey is even more likely to touch its bottom? That is excellent.

      So pinworms come from monkeys? Blech. I wanted to add in here a mention of monkeys causing AIDS but figured that’d be in very poor taste. Monkeypox on the other hand is just begging to be a punchline.

  3. I’m not a fan of anyone who likes to fling their own poo at people. And the books just seemed silly — but not in a good way.

    A wonderful collusion Speaker7 and Angie. I thought something odd was happening with two Curious George pieces back to back in my inbox!

    1. Thanks, Elyse. I think it’s official — I need to start an anti-monkey campaign. I’ve got to convince the public that these things are not like us and cannot be trusted. I don’t care a grape-ape about what Darwin says.

  4. My brain comes close to exploding with glee whenever you two ladies guest blog on each others’ sites. This is no exception! We’ve been watching the Curious George cartoon a lot lately. That MITYH sure does give George a lot of leeway. Next time a construction crew needs a building demolished in a pinch, they should just call George.

    1. You may note that Speaker7 and I have yet to unveil any DNA evidence that would indicate we’re in fact two separate people.

      My kids watch that cartoon. His little squeaky noises drive me up the wall. It’s like some kind of bizarre Frank Oz knock-off voice. It’s an insult to voice actors everywhere.

    1. Thanks, Jo. I have read this book 30,000 times to my children but could not ever tolerate reading it unless I was numb and intoxicated. So my summary of events might be a bit off here.

  5. Never much cared for George either. I just thought he was a little boring. But since I’ve been reading to my nephews and nieces, I have discovered Lyle, Lyle the Crocodile. Now THERE is a sophisticated animal!

    1. If I was heading to a chocolate factory, I would bring a crocodile over a monkey any day. I guarantee a crocodile wouldn’t be fingering its bum before sticking its hands in the chocolate vat.

  6. God, that George is a world-class a-hole. Finally, someone admits it. Thank you, Angie! Wasn’t he involved in some sort of catastrophe at a hospital once?

    And you have managed to get me to kick not only my chocolate habit, but my stinky-ass monkeys habit. I owe you big time.

      1. Many a time I would come home and all my banana-cream chocolates had magically disappeared only to be replaced with monkey feces. Now I know better. I’m onto you, you lil’ buggah, Mr. Skittles.

    1. Everyone remembers the hospital book — because how unnerving to imagine a monkey running around a health facility. Mr. Skittles would never do that. Mr. Skittles was always so well behaved so long as you remembered to give him his circus peanuts.

  7. Well before my computer had an aneurysm and posted my comment I was going to put an exclamation point and say that I think George is a jackass too.

  8. Haha, I hated George too. That’s why I’ve been doing reviews of Children’s TV – I haven’t gotten to his show yet, which might be even worse than the books. I’m not sure. I know Clifford is horrible both in book and T.V. form. And yeah, why did people reward George for just fixing what he screwed up in the first place? It’s like when we rewarded George W Bush for . . . hey, come to think of it, they are both named George and both have monkey brains. That answers a lot of questions I’ve had.

    And you have to wonder about the man in the yellow hat. Lives alone with a monkey and only wears yellow. There’s got to be a mental illness associated with that.

    1. Oh for crying out loud — Clifford! I have a dear old friend who happens to also have young children. (Notice I didn’t call her a “mom friend”?) When we get together, all we do is rant about Clifford. Can’t they write anything better? I couldn’t written those lackluster plotlines in utero! Poor John Ritter — this is some of his last work on earth. He probably bashed his head into a cement wall every time they gave him his new script.

      1. You’re welcome. I can also help you further detest Dora, Bob the Builder, Thomas the Tank Engine, and so much more. It’s the least I can do in return for you for reminding me about leg warmers and whatnot.

    1. Oh no! Don’t remind me of “that”. That one story. That horrible story that I didn’t want to mention here but now you’ve gone and put that awfulness in my head. I need to go to a happy place now. I better go back to thinking about monkey anus chocolate to set my mind at ease.

  9. Yes! I couldn’t agree more, Angie. Curious George was my least favorite. (I preferred Hop on Pop.) Always the same premise, always a catastrophe, always the creepy guy in the giant hat. What’s he hiding under there anyway?

    1. Hop on Pop was great. I love, love, love so many of the old classic children’s books. I never really remembered loving Curious George books as a kid — not like Dr. Seuss and Richard Scarry and P.D. Eastman books. So it’s easy to bash on him when he brings me no nostalgia fix whatsoever.

      Under his hat is a glass water bong. The massive kind they typically hide away in the back of the head shops.

      1. I always wonderd about that. Also, Brother Bear was just Small Bear before Sister was born, which means he had to change his name for his sister. And then they had another baby and it got a name. And what about Mama and Papa? What were their names? Were they small bears or sister bears or aunt bears – this could get pretty inbred.

      2. haha, Yes. That’s def what’s under his hat. Richard Scarry! I loved those books. So many things to look at in those pictures.

        Have you ever read How Fletcher was Hatched? It’s an old book and I still have my worn out copy from childhood. It was my FAVORITE book. I re-read it recently. It’s weird. Kind of like The Last Unicorn is weird. Well, maybe not that weird.

      1. I absolutely love Dr. Seuss. He was a genius. I like to give “Oh The Places You’ll Go” to high school graduates, although they sometimes give me “are you kidding me?” looks.

    1. Okay, so Angie also needs to do a cute little story like Curious George and his BFF, the German Cockroach. The could be the one with health inspectors that everyone wanted. Curious George and his BFF could save the home of the Man in the Yellow Hat from the intrusion of a nosy health inspector. And everyone lives happily forever after. I think Angie has inspired us all.

      1. I am more than happy to pass the baton to you on this — German cockroaches are a tad out of my expertise range. I’m way more knowledgeable about monkey dung.

    2. Aw! They’re cuter than a bug’s ear. I’ve never understood why everyone shudders at the sight of them and then clammers to hold them at the petting zoo. I would like to write a similar myth-busting post defending opossums. Yes, they’re creepy as hell but they don’t carry rabies and they eat icky stuff out of your yard. Also, I like to say the word opossum.

      1. The extra “o” makes it that much more impressive than “possum.”

        While I’ll never be capable of petting a cockroach, I do highly respect them. After all, after the nukes go off, they’ll be the only thing left.

        That and, as Bill Hicks said, Keith Richards.

      2. Yes — so based on the teachings of Darwin, they are biologically superior to us. And you forgot to include Ryan Seacrest, who will be the one orchestrating the nukes.

      3. Sounds about right. I always knew there was something I didn’t like about that Ryan Seagrave. The beady look of moral superiority. The vapid vocalizations. The…world conquering sensibilities. That seems lower on the list, sadly.

  10. I have always suspected that the man in the yellow hat was into cocaine.
    This book was doomed from the beginning. Once Lucy and Ethel did the schtick there was never going to be anyone who could top it. Not even a monkey.

    1. Good call. This was indeed a cheap imitation of the Lucy and Ethel schtick.

      You might recall that The Man with the Yellow hat found George during an overseas opium smuggling operation.

  11. You managed to pick the most universally despised childhood character ever and make a readable story. I still remember (in horror) the day my son came home from the library with a Curious George book and begged me to read it. Please hurry with the Curious George Visits a Strip Club so that in the future kids will be satisfied with the illustrations and not ask their parents to read it. (Although I’m sure you’d provide a thoroughly readable text.) You could follow that with Curious George Chews Off the Face of the Man in the Yellow Hat, which would have the potential of curing this hideous contagious Curious George Disease that so many children come down with. It runs rampant in libraries, so a word to the wise parent…

    1. Thank you, Daniel. You have given me so much inspiration to continue with my campaign against Curious George. I want to shout it from the rooftops — “Wake up, people! He used the same hands to fill the chocolate boxes that he used to give himself a banana cream enema!”

  12. We will have to agree to disagree about monkeys. I adore them…wished I had one as a pet. In fact I do. I have called my daughter monkey since the day she was born. She thinks it was because she was so cute but it’s really because she had long hairy arms. On the day she figured out how to get into her shitty diaper and smear it all over the walls of her room on a day that reached almost 100 degrees C, I knew I had given her the right nickname. Oh…and artificial banana flavor ROCKS! :-)

    1. Wait a second…I have been known to call my children “monkeys”. And wait a second…my kids have also touched diaper poo. There’s something subconscious going on here and I won’t explore it further.

      I would eat a rotten sweat sock stuffed with headcheese if it were artificial banana flavored.

      1. lmao…pssst….your children are actually monkeys….I’ll skip the rotten sock…but any CANDY that is banana flavor…throw my way please. :-)

      1. What?! You can’t like posts on your own blog without being shamed by WordPress? I can’t take this place anymore. Bottoms up — I’m downing a shot of the monkey anise oil.

    1. No, not at all. I think I’ve written monkey anus so many times the past couple of days that I don’t even know what it means anymore. And I’m also getting it confused with monkey anise oil, which tastes just like licorice.

  13. Poor curious George. He obviously has self-control issues, not unlike me, so I am forced to commiserate and can’t really hate the poor chap. Someone needs to call child services on the yellow guy, though!

    1. I liked the Curious George book where the Man with the Yellow Hat got the Foster Parent of the Year award. This was just after he abandoned George at a Mexican border town following a human trafficking snafu.

      1. Oh, goodness… this calls for another strike against the local government(s) and all.
        Or whoever decides those awards!

  14. See, Curious George just isn’t cute enough to be that much of a shit. In order to cause trouble and get away with it, you need to be ADORABLE. Like Paddington Bear, who is sticky and always in trouble, or at least that’s what his theme song says. The theme song doesn’t cover whether he’s exonerated, but I just assume he is, because he’s cute. I can’t be bothered to read to find out.

    1. I love Paddington. Paddington wore such adorable clothing. Everyone likes animals in clothing. Everyone! So that earns him some respect. If Paddington had an exposed anus, it’d be a totally different ball game.

  15. Curious George never ventured across the Atlantic to England. Methinks he didn’t want the rabies shots. I must say – now that you have educated me about him – I’m kind of glad.

    (C), (C), ( C) the answer is ALWAYS (C)!

  16. I’m really glad I already have a BBFF or I’d be super jealz right now, you two.

    I feel about fake fruit flavor the way you feel about McNuggets, Nnng, and yet, banana flavor? I agree, it may just be a cause worth fighting for. But not if it’s inside stolen chocolates that George got his paws (and by paws I mean anus) on.

    1. Artificial fruit flavor is right up there with artificial banana flavor — you probably know they are completely different flavors.

      McNuggets? Aw, Jules — you remember. Now you know what to get me for our first anniversary.

  17. I broke my elbow when I was 5 and while in the hospital got the Curious George goes to the Hospital book. I may still have it. So I loved George.
    George has a tv show now that my 4 year old nephew cannot get enough of and now Matt (the nephew) only speaks George the Monkey language. I don’t know which one I would like to punch first.

  18. I’ve never really given much thought to the Curious George books, except to wonder about that yellow hat. Could be a thinly disguised symbol of church hierarchy, with George representing the disenfranchised (and unclothed) masses. Aside from that, I do like bananas.

  19. A virtual high five to Angie for writing one of the best guest posts EVER, and a virtual raising of the roof to all the previous commenters for making my day with your hilarity. I know I’m way late to this party, but it was well worth showing up tardy. :)

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