Fifty Shades Buzzed (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 401-450)

Okay, gentle reader. I begin this recrap with a couple caveats. (For more recraps, click here)

First, I don’t know what caveat means.

Second, I’ve drunk two glasses of wine and am seriously considering a third because I am reading pages 401-450 of Fifty Shades Freak after all so the likelihood that this will be coherent is as likely as E.L. James writing an interesting book with non-butt pluggish main characters.

We begin with Ana curled up in Christian’s lap while he sends emails.

Just go with it. I feel it looks “artsy.”

Detective Clark wants to interview Ana about that fucker Hyde, Christian mutters through his clenched peen.

Detective Clark shows up. Ana blushes when she sits down on the hotel couch covered in her vaginal fluid. Clark tells Ana that Hyde said she sexually harassed him, and she told lies to get his job. He also said you were a stinky face and had cooties, Clark continues. Ana continually gives Christian charley horses throughout the interview to prevent him from beating Clark about the face with his testicles. After, Ana says Christian is very “sweary” and I’m very tired. More wine, garson!

Contrivance Ray is moved to a rehabilitation center in Seattle. Ana shows up to be weird and call him “Daddy” which he says he likes and…yeesh. While she leaves, she hears her name being called. It’s Dr. Greene, the roaming gynecologist. Ana’s missed four appointments and like Dr. Greene does with all patients, she’s tracking Ana down to say “Whas up, yo?” Ana’s scalp prickles so we know nothing good is coming. Dr. Greene just miraculously can do a pregnancy test even though I have to call 4 months in advance to schedule my regular check up, but I don’t have a Cadillac vagina. Ana’s preggers.

What? No. No. No. Fuck.  I’m imagining these are the thoughts of the fetus upon realizing the identity of its parents. Or it could Ana. E.L. James has purposely left it vague. Or she sucks as a writer.

Dr. Greene, of course, has time for an ultrasound. Why not? Does Ana want a vaginal facelift too?

“‘If you’ll just slip off your skirt, underwear, and cover yourself with the blanket on the table, we’ll go from there,’ she says briskly.

Underwear? I know, weird right? I always wear 10 layers of underwear during my gynecological visits. Don’t trust her Ana!

Ana’s worried about Christian’s reaction. “I’m fat and awkward, heavy with child. He paces the the long hall of mirrors, away from me, the sound of his footsteps echoing off the silvered glass, walls, and floor. Christian. . . “

Ana goes back to work. There are emails.

Christian collects her like Star Wars action figure later that night. She is wary. Christian demands to know why she is not as wet as normal. She also hasn’t eaten. “‘Do you want me to add ‘feed my wife’ to the security details list of duties?'” Christian bores.

They visit Ray. Christian and Ray talk about baseball, fishing and ejaculation–men topics. Ana says she’ll see him tomorrow That’s provided Christian hasn’t locked you away . . . or worse. Wha? I mean, I’m drunk, but even in inebriation I can tell that’s fifty shades of fucked up. Oh my god, do you see what I did there? I don’t either.

Ana finally confesses to the pregnancy, and Christian acts like a Newt Gingrich would about his 10th mistress. He snarls, his brow furrows, he says “fuck”, he closes his eyes, he has an anger force field, his “eyes burn so many emotions.” Then he leaves.

He comes back drunk. He sniffs her hair. He calls the baby an invader. Ana’s scalp prickles and she uncovers that he’s been with Elena, Mrs. Robinson, when she sees a text from her.

Yup.

So he’s a dick and she’s a wet piece of toast for 12 or so pages. Then we get the 125th plot twist of stupid. Jack Frost has Mia. Ana’s scalp prickles with ridiculousness because even her scalp is like “The fuck?”

So the “prick-teasing” gold-digging whore” has to pay some ransom or Mia bites it. Let’s not remember that Hyde was remanded with no bail because boo.

Jack wants $5 million, vaginal ball. No one can know or he will kill Mia and yawn…no more wine. I can’t drink anymore. That is the serious tragedy here, people.

Ana has to evade her security team and I just don’t want to read anymore, but what a vag-tastic (™sweetmother) plot twist.

What do you think will happen next?

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49 comments

  1. Yecch! It’s only 8 a.m. In this part of the world (so waaaay too early for booze) and this has me rummaging through the kitchen looking for a corkscrew to open a wine bottle. Why, oh why, didn’t I buy wine in a screw-top bottle?!

    Great job with the recraps…although I’m fearing for your liver function if a fourth book comes out. I hear EL James is considering another ‘copy & paste’ / ‘find & replace’ from her fanfic archive.

  2. Ana’s pregnant? That’s a really bad sign. There probably isn’t time for her to give birth before the end of this book. That means another one must be in the works.

      1. And Ana and Christian being arrested for child endangerment, right? Because I’m pretty sure that’s the kind of toy you’re not supposed to give a child under 3.

  3. I voted for number 2, even though I’m pretty sure it’s the 4th glass of wine. Actually, it might be a case. But I would just really like someone to beat the shit out of Ana. And now they have spawned. This is more frightening than Renesmeat or whatever dead soul mutant vampire baby was named. I think the What? No. no. no. Fuck. is what the readers are thinking at this point.

  4. I can’t imagine that this dude will be in any way a decent father. I don’t mean because of the kinky stuff–my husband and I may not be quite so kinky but we manage to enjoy ourselves without getting our freak on in front of our three children…um, wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, more because he is a horrible human being–controlling and abusive. Ugh, bad idea. And young, helpless, no-self-esteem Ana is not exactly great mother material. But I suppose they’ll be going through with this pregnancy since it happened in Twilight. Ugh ugh ugh.

  5. Holy shitballs speaker7, I am worried for Ana. Actually, no I don’t give one shit about her fate, I am worried for you and your mental health. I heard whassername James interviewed on the radio the other day and she was all “oh, well, I don’t know how this happened! I wrote eleven books in three months and people who are thinking about this book with anything other than their crotch are all a bunch of navel-gazers” (she actually used the word navel-gazer, the rest is paraphrasing). It made me worried, speaker7. Worried that I am never going to make a hundred gazillion dollars because I don’t like Twilight.

    1. Well I think we now know the formula that sells. Take an abusive, rich douchetoole and pair him up with a spineless insipid vaginal ball and you make a gazillion dollars. All you need to do is suppress your conscience and humanity a little and you’re golden. I’m going to start writing my version today.

      1. I’m pretty sure she said she was planning on a YA novel. Which would mean it’d have everything 50 shades but without the graphically stupid sex scenes. Which means a lot of crap scenes that go nowhere. For pages and pages.

  6. Oh wow. A pregnancy? Super. Because those types of pregnancy plot devices always worked so well in Mad About You, Married with Children, Family Ties, Look Who’s Talking X 3, etc. But wait, if Ana has a baby, she won’t get to be the baby anymore? Ooh, brilliant, E.L.

  7. I’m ridiculously impressed at your ability to type after three glasses of wine. I’m having trouble with this comment after having the recommended dose of DayQuil. Brava.

  8. OMG..I’ve got a dog/cat blog..Only been doing it since June..I have found these great grown up blogs :) My eye’s popped out when I saw fifty shades..I have just started book two. I love the re-an-actment lol..When I’m reading the book, (I’m only asking as you seemed all clued up..) when my husbands asleep..Do you think, he would appreciate me waking him..asking for him to spank me????? Stella xx
    Mollie and Alfie

  9. OMG. I can’t believe Ana is preggers. I also can’t believe anything that happens in these books, so I guess it’s fitting. Her gyno finds her somewhere and just knows she needs to give her a test? What the wha? Also, why is she going to her gyno every month anyway? Is there something I’m missing here?

    Once again, great recap! How many more pages are there?

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