Fifty Shades Freed is Unreadable (pgs. 301-350)

For previous installments, click here

Dear E.L. James:

Ugh, this goddamned book.

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to start with a vulgarity, but I just read the worst 50 pages of sentences  you clearly shite directly out of your bottom onto a piece of paper.

This speaks volumes because I read Fifty Shades of Grey  in its entirety and the ice-cream-in-the-vag monstrosity in Fifty Shades Darker. I’ve been slogging my way through Fifty Shades Freed, the shittiest of the trilogy, since the beginning of August. Now my grievance is not that you are a terrible writer–you are–but that you have created the two worst fictional people on the planet.

Ana and Christian Grey are just…ugh. They are just ugh. The only way this book can be saved is if they drown in their own bodily fluids. Does that happen? Please say it does.

I understand this began as fan fiction. You were reading Twilight and masturbating with a  marbly, sparkling snow globe, and basically created sludge from santorum-like source material. Doesn’t excuse all the butt pluggery behavior of your two protagonists.

So I started pages 301-350, and Ana, Christian and their worshippers are at a club, and this is what I read:

And I just fill up with hate. I feel like there should be some type of reciprocity, like you should be forced to read the play I wrote in German in 12th grade or all my city council meeting newspaper articles.

Mia, Christian’s sister, wants to dance and “throw some shapes.” Yeah, that’s not a saying. Maybe in Britain, but not here, and if it is a saying in Britain, this is why America declared independence. Ana wobbles out onto the dance floor because she’s drunk the equivalent of four bottles of wine and weighs 80 pounds. Ana’s surprised she can suddenly dance since she spent the first 20 years of her life in a dog crate reading books.

Ana dumbthinks she can dance because Christian has stuck numerous objects in down there. Never let Ana be a dance teacher.

She feels hands on her and thinks it’s Christian so she grinds her butt into his groin. Nope, not Christian, just some random meathead. Ana screams and slaps him. The guy backs off and then Christian punches him after the fact. Unfortunately he is not arrested for assault.

Ana dumb wonders why she did it, and we get this chestnut:

Christian’s still mad, but he does some sensual dancing. They do everything, but peen-stick on the dance floor and Christian makes the loving declaration “No one touches what’s mine.”

Awesome.

E.L., you do realize that owning people is not considered cool? Like if any man ever said that to me, I would first laugh because obviously he had to be joking, and then I would leave because…gross.

Ana’s drunk. They leave. He takes off her make-up. They “joke” about watching her pee and I die. She’s mesmerized by his pajama bottoms.

He’s not going to bury himself in her tonight but he orders her to sleep. “‘When I come back to bed, I’ll expect you to be asleep.’ It’s a threat, a command. . . it’s Christian.” Jesus christ. Hate. Hate right now searing in my brain.

He buries himself in her later when they go through a rape fantasy sex game. Really, the worst 50 pages. Afterwards, Christian says something totally normal. “You confound me.” No one talks like this, E.L., no one. It doesn’t make him sound poetic or smart, it makes him sound like you’re a terrible writer.

At breakfast, Ana surreptitiously watches Christian walk outside with the help. He picks up a bamboo stick and swipes it. Oh…she farts out of her brain. Is this anything? Is he going to cane her or are we just wasting my goddamned time? I’m expecting the latter because you write as if you are recording the day to day events of dildos.

Ah wonderful! The motherfracking email exchange! And it’s like we’re actually at work with Ana. We get to experience her assistant coming in. Should we go over your schedule? Yes, cancel my 10:30…oh excuse me the phone is ringing. Hello? Oh hi Roach. Yes I’ll come up to your office in 20 minutes. She farts into a chair. You realize you can condense all this into: Ana goes to work. It doesn’t need to be seven pages.

Then more emails and at first I was really confused–oh excuse me, confounded– because they’re talking about events that I haven’t read about and then I realize this is how you’re showing the passage of time, and it’s just not necessary. No one gives a shit about any of this. He emails about some good time with vaginal balls at some Dipshit Association dinner, and other sexual innuendo that makes me believe you, E.L., do not understand innuendo. Pointless.

Then we get a visit from Leila the ex-sub who tried to kill Ana, and Ana’s like “What’s up dawg?” And Ana’s all confused that Christian has a list of people forbidden to see her. Really? I’m not. I’m just surprised Ana’s not stuck in some cage in his basement. The Leila visit is uninspired, and Ana has immature jealous thoughts through the whole thing and compares herself to Leila, and E.L., I’m sorry your world is so small. Lovely women exist in the world. I’m sorry you can’t see that.

Christian’s all angerball. He angrily murmurs and strokes his face with his slim-jim fingers, and pfftt. And you try to pass it off as him just wanting Ana safe. No, E.L., he’s an abusive prick.

Ugh.

Just ugh to it all.

With searing hatred,

Speaker7

P.S. Why is this book so mutherfracking long? I know it’s neat when you learn how to cut and paste, but that doesn’t mean you should cut and paste huge chunks of paragraphs and try to pass it off as something new. If I have to read one more time how Ana is spent after a bout of boring peen-sticking, I’m going to fly to England and hit you in the head with a sack of vaginal balls.

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88 comments

  1. Can I hold her down while you beat her with the vaginal balls? Please?? Although she deserves much, much worse punishment than that. You hit the nail on the head, speaker7—it’s not JUST that her writing is the worst thing ever, it’s that she’s glamorizing behavior that is by all rights pathological and criminal.

  2. I want to say you should stick a stamp on this and mail it, but I very much like the idea of you hitting her in the head with a sack of vaginal balls.

    It’s really irritating to think how much money she’s made, and all the stupid people who think that it’s a good idea to take a SHIT book and make a SHIT movie and give her more SHIT money. Just great.

  3. “drown in their own bodily fluids.”—That strikes quite the visual.

    I haven’t read these books, nor do I intend to, and you’ve given me more justification (in a hilarious way) of why I don’t need to. I imagine, however, that the author is enjoying her newfound millions, so I guess, more power to her. If only I’d have put a little bondage in my own book…

    1. I don’t think it’s the bondage that makes it so successful. It’s the assholery on the part of both characters so I guess more assholery in your book is the key.

  4. “You were reading Twilight and masturbating with a marbly, sparkling snow globe, and basically created sludge from santorum-like source material.”

    I cannot begin to tell you how loud I laughed at this one sentence.

  5. I have to be fair here, and say that really Vintage is the one who should be publicly called out and lambasted for the glamorizing and promotion of abusive behavior. E.L. James wrote a terrible book, and obviously has an extremely disturbed view on relationships. And maybe there’s a reason for that.

    But Vintage saw an opportunity to make money and mass marketed the whole thing, and they’re the ones with whom the blame lies, as far as I’m concerned. Yes, obviously the books were popular when she self-published (or I would assume so, after all, they somehow got someone’s attention), but they have gotten a great deal more attention, and made a lot more money since they have been distributed in print form by a company with a wide reach.

    Plus I’m just personally pissed off at them, because I’d never heard of the first book when I picked it up and bought it, and I very stupidly assumed it sounded interesting. Actually, that wasn’t stupid of me, never having heard of it, because if you read just the back it seems like it could.

    In any case, Vintage can suck it for bringing this into my life.

  6. You do make me laugh so hard, Speaker 7. I am so happy I have absolutely NO reason to read this book (as if I’d give E.L. another cent) and I’m just hoping that they make a movie out of it that will be every bit as much of a total bomb and embarrassment as 9 1/2 Weeks. Maybe they can get Micky O’Rourke out of his plastic-surgery coffin to play Christian … wouldn’t that be HOT?

  7. What if this isn’t fiction? What is this autobiographical? That means that science has developed a dildo with artificial intelli….oh…nope…a dildo who can hit the keys on a keyboard. Still, way to go science!

  8. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I think this may be my favorite recap yet!

    “You were reading Twilight and masturbating with a marbly, sparkling snow globe”, and then -”If I have to read one more time how Ana is spent after a bout of boring peen-sticking, I’m going to fly to England and hit you in the head with a sack of vaginal balls.” I just can’t take it! You are too funny Speaker 7 :)

    Thank you again for putting yourself through the pain!

      1. REALLY? Bondage crafts at Etsy? Where I buy some of my best indie nail polishes? What is wrong with people?????

    1. I just can’t understand why longish fingers is a turn on or why E.L. James made it one of his distinguishing character traits. It makes me think of Nosferatu.

  9. Yeah, she missed that whole part where characters grow and change in a story. If anything, Ana and Christian just get WORSE as the books go on, from what I can tell. Which is scary considering I’m still covering book two. And the only thing that grows is Christian’s peen. Repeatedly. How do people not notice his constant trouser tents? Really? How?

    Also – and I hate to add to your grief – but there are well over 4,000 positive reviews on Amazon. Why, women, WHYYYYYYY? I think these positive reviewers need to leave the female sex. They just do.

    Poor Hugo and Goofy. Are they still in Bellevue?

    1. I think E.L. James is trying to make it seem like Christian and Ana are growing by having the characters say “You’re so different. You’ve changed”, but then they’re behavior is exactly the same butt pluggery.

  10. I am thrilled beyond words that you are giving me a glimpse into the absurdity of these books. All of my dumbass friends are talking about them (in whispers of course). I read the first three pages and lost brain cells. So thank you for saving my brain cells. I owe you one.

  11. Someone should really rewrite these books as a choose-your-own-adventure series:

    Christian assaults a guy on the dance floor and murmurs “No one touches what’s mine.” In response, do you…
    a) Tell him, “That’s right, and I’m never touching anything of yours again,” hand him your divorce lawyer’s business card, and leave, or
    b) Have 50 pages worth of repetitive degrading sex with him, or
    c) Fly into a jealous rage because Miss Police Uniform Number Three is getting out her handcuffs?

  12. I think for EL, an ‘arc’ is a place where you place two of every sexual device found in the RRoP, just in case there is a flood and they are all lost, and not a journey taken by a character.

    Another great re-cap, Speaker. Brava.

    1. I knew that had to be a British-ism. It appeared a couple of times and I was like, what the fuck is she talking about…granted I say that a lot, but these sentences just seemed too weird.

  13. It just… gets… worse. It’s like someone (ie. E.L. James) put a lot of effort into researching the most douche-tastic, abusive, degrading behaviour possible, mixed it up with some cheesy, co-dependent faux-romance lines, threw in a bucktload of bad porn and tried to pretend it was “True Love”.

  14. Wow. A whole bag of vajayjay balls? Hmmm….I’m thinking hog tie her in the middle of the road and spill an entire dump truck load of those things on her. A small bag is just….small. (That last sentence was my impression of E.L. James. Nailed it, didn’t I?)

  15. Speaker 7,
    Your writing is brilliant as usual, which is getting tiresome… but… while I was mentally reading the excerpts of the book, my wife became agitated and angry, and was compelled to punch me.
    Le Clown

      1. Should we wish this on Romney or Ryan. At the moment, I’m hoping it’s Ann Romney who goes down, so to speak.

        Oh, and I found some wonderful bumperstickers today while ahem, researching a post. zappa.com

  16. I told my boyfriend I would only read out the funniest lines of this recrap, and I ended up reading the whole thing. Having read all three steaming piles of shite, I know your pain, I really do, but I have to say – the angrier you are at this goddamn book, the funnier your recraps are. At least to me. I like the creativity that anger brings out in people.

  17. I’m with limr…it’s funnier when you get pissed. This book series is total garbage and you are either really dedicated to your blog followers by reading it in it’s entirety, or are a closet masochist. :-P

  18. The fact that this book has anything at all to do with Twilight is enough for me to hate it. The fact that it made a whole generation of women horny with it’s misogyny and terrible writing makes me want to be a hermit forever. The fact that you are recrapping it makes my life worthwhile though, even if your life suffers for it. Christian would want it that way.

  19. The only time I put an iota of thought into this series is when I read your inspired recraps. The only person I know, aside from you (and your readers) that has read this trilogy in its entirety, is my boss. She read it on her Kindle. She told me that she was unimpressed but she kept slogging through it. Periodically she’d call me into her office to gasbag at me about it even though she’s known forever that I’m gay and this type of story has less appeal to me than why bats are blind. When she reached the third volume she complained to me about the lack of sex, the characters all had completely different names and how it had taken on a spy novel element that just seemed like an entirely altogether different storyline.

    It was.

    She had downloaded an entirely different book that she was three quarters through reading before she realized that it was not written by E.L. James. Talk about being a submissive.

      1. Damn, I wish I had thought to do that. I have the hard copy, but maybe I could just start reading the third Game of Thrones book and pretends it’s Fifty Shades Fuckadoodle.

  20. Oh I love it. I can feel your hatred from all the way over here in London and it’s mixing with my hatred to form a huge boiling mega hatred of everything to do with this godawful trilogy and things have actually exploded over here and a couple of houses have burned down because our hatred is so intense.
    And yes ‘throwing some shapes’ is an English phrase but it is a phrase that LITERALLY NO ONE uses seriously. So if EL James has a character using it in a genuine serious manner then she has obviously heard a youth say it and added it to the giant list on her bedroom wall of Things Fun Young People Say.
    You are a comic genius, however, so it’s not all bad.

  21. My favorite line from today’s phenomenal rant: “you write as if you are recording the day to day events of dildos.” I’m sorry you’re suffering, but damn, girl, you’re hilarious.

  22. I hate to say it, but perhaps Nazi Germany was onto something… Some books really do need to be burned. And public bonfires are far more fun than choking to death on public hairs.

    I hope for your sake that you’re done soon. Also, I’m going to start using the word confound as often as possible. (Sorry, but I’m confused a lot, and need to spice up my confusion.)

  23. Is this going to be made into a movie? Because I would like E.L. James cast as Ana. I’d love to see her be put through the Double Dare physical challenges of her own making. Well, I wouldn’t want to see it. But I’d like to hear about it later. Maybe in a recrap?

  24. Asking questions are genuinely fastidious thing if you are not understanding anything fully,
    but this piece of writing offers fastidious understanding yet.

  25. The inner goddess was what ruined it for me. So I decided to make her shut the f* up and created my own thing: FiftyShadesBetter blogspot
    1 of 58: My very small #innergoddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.
    2 of 58: My #innergoddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently.
    3 of 58: He groans again. Ha! My #innergoddess is thrilled. I can do this.
    4 of 58: My #innergoddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.
    5 of 58: My #innergoddess has stopped dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly.
    6 of 58: I sashay into the house, part of me wanting to jump and punch the air. YES! My #innergoddess is thrilled.
    7 of 58: My #innergoddess sits in the lotus position looking serene.
    8 of 58: My #innergoddess nods in silent zen-like agreement with her.
    9 of 58: My #innergoddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old.
    10 of 58: My #innergoddess stops jumping and smiles serenely. Oh yes… she mouths, nodding at me smugly.
    11 of 58: My #innergoddess shakes her head at me. She and I know it’s a lie.
    12 of 58: My #innergoddess glows so bright she could light up Portland.
    13 of 58: My #innergoddess makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers.
    14 of 58: My #innergoddess frowns at me. You can do this, she coaxes.
    15 of 58: My #innergoddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me.
    16 of 58: Christian does not glance at me. My #innergoddess is not pleased.
    17 of 58: My #innergoddess is doing back flips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.
    18 of 58: My #innergoddess smacks her lips together glowing with pride.
    19 of 58: My #innergoddess bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream.
    20 of 58: I squirm. My #innergoddess is panting.
    21 of 58: Oh the possibilities… my #innergoddess roars.
    22 of 58: My #innergoddess is going to explode.
    23 of 58: My #innergoddess looks like someone snatched her ice cream.
    24 of 58: My #innergoddess has woken and is paying attention.
    25 of 58: Do it! My #innergoddess pleads with me.
    26 of 58: My #innergoddess is prostrate… well at least she’s quiet.
    27 of 58: Bewitched… my #innergoddess is staring open-mouthed. Even she doesn’t believe this.
    28 of 58: My #innergoddess is lying on, eating grapes and tapping her fingers, waiting not so patiently for Sunday.
    29 of 58: My #innergoddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot.
    30 of 58: Go girl! My #innergoddess has her pom poms in hand – she’s in cheerleading mode.
    31 of 58: My #innergoddess is spinning like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette.
    32 of 58: My #innergoddess has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the outside of her room.
    33 of 58: My #innergoddess grins at me. Hell… two can play that particular game.
    34 of 58: My #innergoddess sighs with relief.
    35 of 58: Fortunately, he seems oblivious to her, but my #innergoddess is smoldering and not in a good way.
    36 of 58: My #innergoddess nods in agreement, a satisfied grin over her face.
    37 of 58: My #innergoddess pops her head above the parapet.
    38 of 58: My #innergoddess pouts at me, failing miserably to hide her disappointment.
    39 of 58: My #innergoddess is doing the dance of the seven veils.
    40 of 58: My #innergoddess glares at me in desperation.
    41 of 58: No my #innergoddess scowls at me, not too beautiful for me.
    42 of 58: My #innergoddess is still basking in a remnant of post-coital glow.
    43 of 58: My #innergoddess leaps up cheering from her chaise longue.
    44 of 58: My #innergoddess gazes at him in quiet, surprised speculation.
    45 of 58: Truth or dare time – my subconscious and #innergoddess glance nervously at one another.
    46 of 58: My #innergoddess pole-vaults over the fifteen-foot bar.
    47 of 58: My #innergoddess is standing on the podium awaiting her gold medal.
    48 of 58: My #innergoddess has back flipped off the podium and is doing cartwheels around the stadium.
    49 of 58: My #innergoddess – she’s under a blanket behind the sofa.
    50 of 58: Jeez, my #innergoddess swoons.
    51 of 58: My #innergoddess is hopeful for one type of mood, my subconscious, like me, is fraught with nerves.
    52 of 58: a look of sensual carnality that calls directly to my #innergoddess
    53 of 58: I try to connect with my inner sub. She’s there somewhere, hiding behind my #innergoddess
    54 of 58: My #innergoddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm.
    55 of 58: My #innergoddess closes her eyes, reveling in the feel of his lips on me.
    56 of 58: My #innergoddess is endeavoring to look brave.
    57 of 58: My subconscious is shaking her head sadly, and my #innergoddess is nowhere to be seen.
    58 of 58: Deep down, a nasty, unbidden thought comes from my #innergoddess, her lip curled in a snarl. End of book one.

  26. A friend had me read these three books. First off, I think I have to stop being her friend. I am having the hardest time reading these fucking books! Ana seems to have become more and more of a self conscious asshole in every paragraph. And I swear to god I feel like A&C both think the world will in fact explode if they do not have sex. All I want to do is bitch slap every single person in the goddamn book. I have officially stopped reading these books for my friend. But now I continue to read just to read your hilarious recaps. This blog is the only thing I look forward to every 50 pages. And to add one (technically two) things to the list of “WHY THE HELL AM I STILL READING THIS??”, what is with the feet and the hands?! Every time she mentions the long fingers I think of Freddy Krueger. Seriously. Ever time. And if I have to read one more sentence about biting toes and walking across floors barefoot I swear to god I will find E.L James and beat her senseless. Although, I’m sure she might just enjoy that. She’d have to, if she put this garbage into the world.

    Oh, and obviously I muttered all of this. :)

  27. This was hilarious. I particularly found your sarcasm entertaining. I’m a writer myself. I’m 16 now but I was 15 when I tried to read the first book (never finished it) and *I* noticed how awful a writer she is. If a 15 year old girl is a better writer than you, a published married adult woman, you should probably be concerned and reevaluate your life. I wanted to like Christian & Ana’s relationship. I did. But it was impossible because… Well… I think you get why it was impossible. Smh. I kinda hope she reads this letter. Just wait until the movies come out and even more people get hooked on this evil…

  28. You completely summed up my feelings about this series. It frightens me (in a fake way, not a real, “OMG!” sort of way) that grown women can actually see this as love story. p.s. Thank you for making me laugh outloud and wake my children. Little bastards should be up by now anyway.

  29. After hearing from so many friends& acquaintances (or as they now will be known as, people who I will no longer speak to) that this trilogy was amazing I finally gave in & read this monstrosity. After half of book one, I’m sad to report, my own subconscious slit her wrists& then shot herself. My inner goddess made it one more page then unceremoniously jumped off a cliff with weighted concrete slabs cuffed to her ankles. I assume in a nod to the faux kink I forced her to suffer through. Determined to plod through I summoned every ounce of strength I had left& made it into book three. I thought I’d never laugh or smile again, until I googled some ridiculous phrase about shapes& landed here. Thank you! You have single handedly given me faith that all hope for the females of this planet is not lost! Bravo! Maybe you could also post a what to read blog to regain i.q. points lost after reading 50 shades of gray. My inner strength will surely dance the tango if you do ;)

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