Fifty Shades Procrastination (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 251-300)

Oh boy.

So it’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve written a Fifty Shades Fuckadoodle recrap. Why is that?

Oh right because this book is the literary equivalent of a raging hemorrhoid. And like a raging hemorrhoid, this book inflames my anal cavity with the intensity of all of Jupiter’s suns combined.

Before I begin, I would like to direct readers to some truly phenomenal mockery of Fifty Shades on display at Alice at Wonderland. More people need to read this because it is the opposite of a raging hemorrhoid. Alice is currently recapping Fifty Shades Darker by interviewing E.L. James’ moronic fictional creations. For her earlier work on Fifty Shades of Grog, start here. Seriously, her recapping is so good, Hugo asked if he could work for her. Hugo believes my work has been “uninspired.” Wait–was uninspired what Hugo said?

That’s right.

I don’t even remember where I last left off (for previous recraps, go here). Likely Ana had Christian’s freakishly long fingers inside her. She might have said “Crap” or “Bloop”. Christian probably planted a flag in Ana’s down there to stake his claim. He might have even made a taxidermied hamster out of it. They most definitely muttered and murmured because no one can ever just “say” anything in this book.

Pretty much nothing happens in pages 251-300. The short summary is this: Ana buys a dress in Aspen.

The long summary is lots of sentences are written about other things. So I guess I’ll have to mention a little bit about those.

After Christian wouldn’t let Ana come, he tells her that Jack Hyde was the one who cut the brakes on the helicopter or whatever. Holy fuck. Hyde was planning on kidnapping Ana. Holy fuck. Christian thinks Detroit is the connection because both Jack and Christian were born there. Holy…pfft.

Just wait…it gets worse.

Ana wakes up to Christian having a nightmare. She soothes him with comforting words and warm milk. I’m joking. It’s a lot of peen-sticking. He tells her to “Come for me” and she does like a trained homing pigeon. Ana falls asleep then wakes up again to sad twinkle fingers on the piano.

Christian is the sad piano man because his adult wife “won’t do as she’s told. She drives me crazy. She safe-words me.” Aw, that’s sweet that he’s sad his wife called the kibosh on his emotional manipulation. He then says he dreamt she was dead, but leaves out the part where he was the one who murdered her.

The next day, Christian drives Ana to his lear jet. He has a surprise. He’s taking her to Aspen along with Kate, Elliot, Mia and Ethan. Ana dislikes the purring flight attendant because Natalia is brunette, and Ana is a raging hemorrhoid.

On the plane Kate asks questions about the Jack Hyde situation because she is as close to normal as you’re going to get in this book. Of course, Ana is all pissed off in her head at Kate’s audacity to question anything concerning Christian.

Suddenly the plane hits some major turbulence. The pilot loses control and the plane crashes into the ground.

Sorry, that did not happen. That’s just a dream of mine. I’m going to take a break for a second and play some sad piano music.

I’m back. What’s happened. Oh yes, the sextet arrives at Christian’s palatial Aspen house. Ana’s all icky-poo about being rich and having servants, and she thinkfarts Oh my, it’s so hard being rich. 

Upon entering the house, a trick wire is ignited and the house explodes.

No, that did not happen as much as I tried to will it to happen. I even bought that crappy book The Secret and tried to positive-think that into happening. Ana and the girls do girl things like shop and get paid less for the same work. Christian and the boys do boy things like fish and restrict women’s access to abortion.

Kate confides that Elliot seems distant, and Ana feigns concern, but secretly laps it up because she hates their normal relationship in light of the fact she married a walking butt plug. Mia convinces Ana to buy a dress–she refers to it as The Dress because she is a rectal sausage–that barely covers her ass, and she thinkfarts Oh, but I’m so plain and this dress makes me look like I have really long, perfect legs. I struggle so much…without Christian’s penis inside me.

The sextet eats dinner like humans do, and Elliot proposes to Kate. She accepts and then the restaurant explodes.

Sorry, more wishful thinking. They go clubbing, and Ana refers to the hostess as “Miss Satin Hot Pants” because she is Miss Asshole Face Jerkwad.

And that’s really it. An extremely necessary and illuminating 50 pages of hemorrhoid-inducing awesomeness. I should probably stock up on some Preparation H®.

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46 comments

  1. You’re alive! Whew. I assumed you were in the hospital due to either massive alcohol consumption or suicidal ideation (or both) after suffering through the next fifty craptastic pages.

    I will never think of the McRib in the same way ever again.

  2. I love you. The work you do is so important. Some people may not understand just exactly HOW important it is, but I totally get it, and I bow down to you for this selfless gift to humanity.

    1. Miss Listed,
      Thank you for getting my selfless sacrifice. It gives me the courage to read the next 50 pages. I believe Ana and Christian might possibly do it.
      love,
      Speaker7

  3. I was concerned that you were with Hugo and Goofy in an ICU trying to recuperate from the loss of brain cells and all that. I am so happy you’re all back! I’ve been telling EVERYONE I know about your recraps. You should collect them into a book.

    1. I’ve had to start using some of Goofy’s stuffing to replace the brain matter I’ve lost, but we’re all doing okay–a little sick to our stomachs most days, but that’s usually from the passages on finger banging.

  4. It pains me that you led us on by telling us first that the plane crashed, and then that the house was on fire. For those brief, shining moments, it was Paradise. Also, the further you get into these books, the more I want to pummel E.L. James for romanticizing one of the most awful types of men. She deserves some sort of public flaying.

    1. Madame Weebles, you just said EXACTLY what I wanted to say, only you said it better than I would have, so I’m just going to piggyback you here. DITTO FOR ME.

    2. Madame Weebles,
      I apologize for the deceit, but for a few brief seconds I could believe they died a fiery death and it gave me such peace. E.L. James deserves to be tortured by listening to an audio version of her books for the rest of her life.

  5. Bahaha You forgot to mention that during the explosions EL James blushed and then murmured, “I can’t believe I wrote this book” though her lips pressed into a tight line.

  6. I’m so glad you’re back. I was worried you’d been irrevocably brain-damaged after reading that tripe.

    Favourite line: “Christian and the boys do boy things like fish and restrict women’s access to abortion.”

  7. I just got back from visiting my Mom, who I was saddened to learn liked these books. I read the first nine chapters of the first book on her Kindle. I had thought, nay hoped, you were exaggerating the badness, but no. Holy crap, it is bad.

    Good lord that woman writes a lot of words…doesn’t she know all people want to read is the sexing? I managed to get through the first bout of sexing, you know, where he makes Ana climax by manipulating her nipples…What?!?!

    I kept making fun of the writing and made my Mom pissy.

  8. Thanks for the shout out! I would love to have Hugo work for me, but he should know that he’d have to start over in book two and I’m not sure his shiny, bald head could take it. I might have to see if he’s available for an interview later on because that would truly be a GREAT DAY FOR JOURNALISM.

    Also, I like your use of “dumbs” and “thinkfarts” for Ana’s thoughts. I feel so dishonest when I mention that Ana thinks something.

      1. Now I just have to figure out how to get the questions to him. Provided he can still read after the recaps. There is so much the world wants to know about Hugo and Goofy! They are way hotter than RPattz and Kstew.

  9. The hair clip in Goofy’s hair is my favorite prop thus far. I’m betting it has dual purpose in the red room of pain.

    I don’t know how since it’s not a novel, but I think you need to recrap The Secret.

      1. Thank you to Oprah for helping launch that book and the the book He’s Just Not That Into You. Both have been magnificent contributions to the decay of our modern civilization.

        Spoof video? Yes please.

  10. You hadn’t done a recap in so long, I though you stopped reading! I’m so glad you soldiered on for all of us out here addicted to reading these. Bravo, Speaker 7! You are a trooper. And and very funny one at that!

  11. Nice to know that Hugo is not the type of puppet-half-man to mince his words about your literary prowess. The claw clip in the bear’s ear was so inspired. It brought to mind an ankle trap.

    Excellent: “Ana and the girls do girl things like shop and get paid less for the same work. Christian and the boys do boy things like fish and restrict women’s access to abortion.”

    It has occurred to me that if you decide to ascend from writing recraps, you have a promising future as a sociology professor shaping young minds eager for all the philosophizing that happens over spring break.

  12. Reblogged this on I Was Just Thinking. . . and commented:
    It’s common knowledge that I love Speaker7′s “recraps”. This one took me to a whole new level of adoration with what is probably the best thing I have ever read while blogging. To wit, these two sentences: “Ana and the girls do girl things like shop and get paid less for the same work. Christian and the boys do boy things like fish and restrict women’s access to abortion.” (The rest of it was also quite good. ;) )

  13. I know you posted this a couple of days ago, but I just wanted you to know that I may have squealed with delight (or my inner goddess murmured something) when I saw that you had another 50 Shades post.

  14. I cannot find enough wonderful words to tell you how much I love these recaps. I can say this much–it’s a good thing I’m not in a relationship right now, because I seriously believe I’d say the word ‘peen’ at some point, which may cause problems.

    Or not.

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