A Pad of Deceit

There is some serious lying happening this week on the ol’ pad of bachelor.

Ed can’t wrap his drunk brain around it.

Host Chris Harrison interrupts the binge drinking with instructions to the remaining 14 love-seekers that they must fill out surveys in preparation for the next day’s challenge. “Be honest,” he warns the pad of liars and disappears on a flying rose.

Next day, the participants play a gameshow mash up. The first round deals with questions about love and romance although the majority of the questions are about Bachelor history.

“On which Bachelor did one contestant take a dump in the hot tub?”

The second round deals with the contestants guessing which Bachelor Pad contestant said something awful about someone else on the show. Jamie digs her own grave by admitting she wants to sleep with Chris B., Blakely’s partner and thinks Jaclyn is a lying slutball (paraphrase).

Jaclyn and Ed win an immunity rose and one-on-one dates. Rachel and Dave each get one elimination vote cast against them.

Jaclyn picks Ed to go on a date, which causes him to lose out on his own individual date. They drunkily run around Dodger Stadium.

Jaclyn receives a love note from the Bachelor Pad producers that she can give an immunity rose to another guy who will get to go on a one-on-one date of his choice. Ed talks Jaclyn into giving Chris B. the rose because Chris B. is Ed’s BFF and Ed totally trusts him and this should not end in heartbreak.

Meanwhile Chris B. hates both his partner Blakely and Jamie, the woman he keeps accidentally falling into with his lips. Blakely wants reassurance that Chris will stick it out with her to the end.

That someone is Jamie. Chris voiceovers that he hates how she’s always bothering and coming up to him as the camera follows him wandering through the house looking for her. They get into bed because he hates her so much and make out in a hateful fashion. Jamie wants to talk about their first days of lurve when she snapped her throng in his direction, and Chris wants Jamie to remain mute because he is so swell.

Jamie is so in lurve. She thinks Chris has all the qualities she’s looking for in a husband so I guess that means shitball brains, an even shitballier personality and no self-awareness. She just gushes and gushes, but I mean can you blame her?

Chris B. pulls a super dick move and invites Sarah on the date. He tells Jamie he’s just trying to protect her from Blakely’s wrath while telling us that he’s trading in his used cars for a shiny new vagina.

Chris B. and Sarah go on an action date, and it’s suppose to mean that they’re filming a scene for an action movie, but Chris’s peen also gets some Sarah action.

Chris and Sarah stay overnight while Jamie tells everyone how much she loves Chris and hopes he had a nice time, but missed her. Yeesh.

Voting time. Super fan Dave knows he’s on the chopping block because he already has a vote against him so he tries to corral some women into voting for Nick.

Wait, who?

I know! I didn’t think so either.

Chris B. wants to vote for Blakely while the rest of his alliance are gunning for Jamie. Chris B. explains to ringleader Michael that he wants Blakely to go because he will be able to persuade Sarah and Jamie with his cock into keeping him around longer. Michael’s all like “Oh no, he didn’t.”

Chris’s bestie Ed is trying to talk sense into Chris, telling him he doesn’t have the votes or support from the alliance and his cock might go down in flames.

Ed tells Chris that Kalon just told Ed he’s voting for Jamie although he told Chris he was voting for Blakely. Chris explains lying is part of the game, and Ed is just shocked. Shocked! Lying on Bachelor Pad? Herpes, sure, but lying!?!

During this exchange the music is very dramatic almost as if they were discussing how to handle tense negotiations with the terrorists over at Big Brother MCVII.

Chris goes and gathers Kalon to convince Ed to vote off Blakely.

They circle jerk it for awhile and decide they’ll all vote for Jamie.

Blakely interviews if she’s here tomorrow “I’m going to donkey punch Chris in the throat.”

Damn you, Bachelor Pad for actually making me like a contestant for two seconds.

At the rose ceremony, David and Jamie get voted off. Chris feels betrayed. His bestie and second bestie lied! To him!!! Lied! Even though Chris himself said lying was part of the game, he just meant he could play that way.

Jamie basically calls him a creep and says she doesn’t like the way he treats people. He gets very defensive making Pee-Wee Herman’s response of “I know you are, but what am I?” seem the height of maturity.

Unfortunately no donkey-punching ensues, but Blakely predicts Chris will be the next one out.

So take one last look, ladies.

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29 comments

  1. I’m with Weebles. I feel like I should go take a hot shower now and get checked for STDs.
    So basically, I gather these shows are about being knee-walking drunk and having disgusting sex. Most likely both at the same time. All the time, on every episode. Oh, to be young again!

  2. Haha you’re too funny. Nothing like pure douchiness.

    If you have a chance, stop by and check out my blog. I wrote a funny Fifty Shade of Grey editorial yesterday.

    ((hugs)),
    Becca

  3. Speaker7,
    Le Clown wants to know: how far will you push these reviews. I mean, of course, you’re thinking about our readership, and we come first. So what comes next? True Blood, cause let’s face it, it’s trash with a slightly better script than most; Californication, cause here’s another great male role model… Please, tell us.
    Le Clown

    1. Nope. We encourage them to be on television, that way we can keep track of them, and they’re not doing other things like teaching our children in schools or helping the elderly.

      1. An excellent point. Christ, imagine if that were true. We’d have to watch constant footage of politicians to make sure they’re not doing anything naughty / diabolically stupid.

  4. I don’t know whether you were being serious or superlative for comic effect; do people actually put their willies in (and presumably out again, in quick succession) each other on this show? And they film it and put it on the telly? And people watch it? And that’s fine?

    1. It’s required by our constitution. All of it. The in and the out. The filming of it. The putting of it on the telly and the forcible watching. Our bill of rights.

  5. “I’m going to donkey punch [fill in blank] in the throat,” is my favorite new catch phrase of 2012.

    I just had an epiphany that The Bachelor series (and bastard offspring shows) are the most likely reason that I hate roses.

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