Fifty Types of Butt Plugs (Fifty Shades Darker: pgs. 351-400)

We begin pages 351-400 of Fifty Shade Darker: Porky’s Revenge with author E.L. James’ favorite literary device–the email exchange.

(To find out how we got to this incredible email exchange, start here)

Ana and Christian email how much they want to boink each other, but then Christian starts to emphatically insist Ana use her BlackBerry to email rather than her work computer while he continues to send emails to her work email address. Normally I would ignore this in the same way I ignore references to Christian’s battering ram-sized pee-pee and Ana’s complaints about not being pretty–but this comes up later.

Jose calls to say he’s delivering Christian’s pictures of Ana and is looking for a place to crash. How will Christian like that? Ana wonders after hanging up the phone. Boooo.

Ana’s boss Jack Hyde is acting as if he caught his dong in a drawer. He snaps and demands coffee and breaks his “World Greatest Boss” mug.

Kate’s brother Ethan calls and asks how Ana’s doing. “A quick montage of images flashes through my mind–Christian kneeling, his revelation, his proposal, macaroni and cheese, my weeping, his nightmare, the sex, touching him.” Even better if the montage was set to the tune Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen.

Ana sits in Starbucks, puts in her earbuds, hits repeat on the song “Smell Yo Dick” and ponders whether she should marry Christian:

He still needs to learn boundaries and little things like empathy, and to be less controlling, Ana thinks. Is that all? Then by all means, take the plunge.

She’s late getting back to work, and Jack’s eyes almost blaze a hole through her head. He growls at her to stay late. When she complies, he tries to attack her:

He delivers the type of soliloquy normally reserved for the villains in Scooby Doo cartoons. He talks about checking through her email and seeing emails sent by her to Christian Grey, but nothing sent back. Are you a spy? he wonders. He goes on to say he expected gratitude for giving her a job, and if Ana puts out, he won’t dig in further into how her boyfriend’s pulling strings, milking contracts or cashing in some favor from one of his Ivy League frat-boy sycophants.

Huh? When did this turn into an episode of Melrose Place?

What can I do? Ana wonders.  This news of Christian’s takeover of the company is embargoed for three weeks.

Wha?

I feel like I don’t understand English. What is happening exactly? Can’t he just attack her because he’s gross…what is with this faux intrigue that makes no sense?

“Listen you tight-assed cock-blocking bitch! I know you have the antidote, but it’s mine, you prick-teasing bitch. Mine! And if you don’t give it to me, I will detonate the dynamite strapped to your vaginal balls” he spits fire.

Okay most of that I made up except for the words in bold. Those are gems from E.L. James herself. Ana knees Jack in the crotch, runs outside and collapses on the sidewalk because she hasn’t eaten anything. Of course.

Christian and his man servant Taylor run up to her. And get this–Christian is pissed. She tells him what happened, the near rape and bad dialogue, and he is pissed. At her.

And then he gets pissier during this exchange:

“‘Christian, he has my emails.’

‘What?’

‘My emails to you. He wanted to know where your emails to me were. He was trying to blackmail me.’

Christian’s look is murderous.

Oh shit.

‘Fuck!’ he sputters and narrows his eyes at me.”

Have they not read the same emails that I have? They basically email how much they want to entwine their genitalia or about other things too dull to recall. How is this blackmail worthy?

She begs him not to be mad at her!?!

“‘I told you to use your fucking BlackBerry. Don’t talk to me about stupid. Get in the motherfucking car Anastasia–NOW!’ he snarls and a frisson of fear runs through me. This is Very Angry Christian. I’ve not seen him this mad before. He’s barely holding on to his self control.”

Better not let that one get away!

Jack leaves the building with his belongings because he was shitcanned. “And I woulda gotten away with it, if it weren’t for those meddling kids,” Jack tells the security guard.

Christian’s surly and pouty in the car and only talks to her when they enter the elevator. His “hands fist” in her hair (ow!) and he jams his tongue down her throat. “If anything ever happened to you…”

Psycho…I mean, *sigh*.

They eat dinner and Ana requests permission to see her friend Jose. Boooooo. More arguing because this is such a Sweet Love Story™.

Christian has to do some man work such as pushing a boulder or raping a chicken. Ana, bored without anything up her cooch, wanders around the house and into the red room of pain. She looks through some drawers and finds Christian’s stash of butt plugs. Of course, Christian shows up because he can hear a butt plug pop from 20 yard away. Ana worries again if he’s mad.

He sounds fun.

Instead he gives her a tutorial on butt plugs, anal beads and nipple clamps. Ahhh, takes me back to 6th grade health class. For complete coverage, click on the audio.

This tutorial makes dark desire pool in Ana’s groinal region. Granted pretty much everything including mayonnaise being spread on a hamburger bun makes dark desire pool in Ana’s fun tunnel, but she really wants to bang some butt plugs together in the red room of pain:

Christian can’t–his eyes cloud with cataracts (seriously, his eyes cloud all the time. That can’t be good?)–Ana left him the last time he flayed her skin with a belt while in the red room. Yes, it was the red room not his beating her that was the problem.  They take the spreader bar and spread ‘em in the bedroom.

Lots of arrghhing and slamming.

Next day, Ana’s all worried about her job. Christian lets her drive her new Saab to work. Boyfriend of the Year, am I right ladies? He’s in the passenger seat because she’s a dame and if she gets her period she will attract bears and then possibly crash her car into a Baskin Robbins.

She arrives at work and is immediately called into Jack’s boss’s office. She thinks she’s going to be fired, but instead she is asked to fill in as Jack’s replacement because with being a recent college graduate, having one week job experience and spending the majority of that time emailing her boyfriend about sexy time though the company email, she is obviously the best fit for the job.

I think the words “shrewd mind” were used, and I laughed so hard my butt plug popped out.

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39 comments

      1. I don’t object to people getting kinky in the bedroom. Do what makes you happy, so long as everyone is okay with it. But romanticizing this dude being so controlling and possessive? Making it seem romantic that he loses his temper and behaves violently? That’s fucked up.

  1. I personally would love to crash my car into a Baskin Robbins. But not with bears around. Cuz then I’d have to fight them for the ice cream. It would get ugly.

    1. Battling bears for a tub of cotton candy ice cream is not fun. I’m don’t know this from any personal experiences, but I’m assuming it would not be fun.

  2. In a little-known, but ultimately discarded scene, Ana and Christian place all of their toys in the middle of the room, set a timer, blindfold each other and see how many toys they can fit inside each other before time runs out. When the timer goes off, Christian has inserted a pessary, three dildoes, a butt plug and and a box of chocolate covered donettes into Ana. Ana has inserted three gerbils, a set of World Book encyclopedias, and the RNC steering committee into Christian. Christian calls Ana a cock-sucking Democrat and breaks up with her on the spot. The RNC steering committee and gerbils are unavailable for comment.

    1. Miss Boomer Lane,
      If I could award you “comment of the century” I would. I would much rather read your version of Christian and Ana sexcapades especially since you reference World Books.

      1. I’m nothing if not worldly. When growing up, my parents couldn’t afford an encyclopedia set. But the supermarket would occassionally give out the first book of various sets. So we had Aa-Ak, Aa-Am, Aa-Ar, and Aa-At. Ask me anything about Aa-Ak as of 1962 and I am golden.

  3. Between “raping a chicken,” the cataracts and – of COURSE – the butt plugs, I nearly choked to death. No way was I going to risk laughing out loud, knowing my 4- and 7-year-olds would come running and I’d have to try to explain…. :D

  4. When my eyes cloud over it’s a sure sign that I’m about to have a crippling migraine. Given that Christian appears to be using sex as a stress reliever, I look forward to hearing about his head caving in when Ana’s inevitable monthly visitor arrives.

    1. This comment is why you need to continue your story with Blanche Canvasse and Dildo Emporium (I forgot the dude’s name, but I think that’s close).

      1. Dick Metterfore would be dismayed to find out that he hadn’t made a lasting impression on a young lady, in fact he’d probably consider it a mark of shame, and in his shame, he’s probably going to tie up a virgin and beat that shame out of her bottom vicariously with a rolled-up copy of Entertainment Weekly that he had lying around.
        In other circumstances this would be an assault, but because he has a larger-than-average Gentleman’s Appendage it’s absolutely fine because that’s how things work these days.

  5. Speaker 7,
    I’ve been sitting here suffering from the white comment box syndrome for at least, at least 31 seconds… I have written, and deleted, a joke about Bella and Edward, a reference to the Jodi Foster character in The Accused, my own butt plug… None are a good fit (32 seconds).

    Please thank me for stopping by, nonetheless, and for not singing Rebecca Black’s Friday (33 seconds).
    Le Clown

  6. This, by far, is my fave post about this. Love it! So sorry that you have to suffer for our amusement. But, you know, don’t stop because then we’ll all cry or get cataracts or be driven to rape chickens. Not pretty.

  7. I laughed so much during this recrap, my husband came in to make sure I was okay. He is now reading your renditions from the start of the first book and cackling merrily to himself.

  8. LOL, 50 Shades makes me feel like the world is lost, but sites like yours show there is hope. HOPE in the form of a blue bunny that says fuckballs and her bald, puppet pal. Where the hell were you during the Twilight mess? Plus, will you go back and do Twilight with Goofy and Hugo? What do you have to lose, besides your lunch? And maybe a few stray brain cells?

  9. I have that Elmo DVD.

    That is just about all I could think of to write in this comment box. Now I must go watch that Elmo DVD and try to snap out of this frenzy of crazypersonlaughing I’ve worked myself into.

    1. That is a good Elmo DVD. I like the birthday song…I wish I could recall how it goes….oh that’s right the word “birthday” repeated ad infinitum. Still more enjoyable than Fifty Shades of Grey.

      1. We also have an Elmo DVD on dancing, music and books. Not sure the name of it. But the segment on dancing pisses me off because the examples Elmo features of various kids dancing are all very bad in an early ’90s kind of way. I know my kids will be horrendous dancers now and will probably go nowhere in life.

  10. I love the recraps… they changed my life lo. I heard this on another blog but the names ana and mia are shorthand for anorexia and bulimia for people who choose to embrace this lifestyle. Considering the running them of Ana not eating in this book, I wonder if this is just another element of stupidity that the author chose to interlace throughout the book.

  11. What’s even better, in the last book, is that when they start fiddling around with the butt plug for realz, Ana has a startling revelation and pipes up, “Who washes these things?” Apparently, if the other subs didn’t get to it, the maid took responsibility. That patient, smiling woman always lovingly cooking meals for everyone has to wash the toys, too. Wonder what she would do with the set of World Books and the gerbils?

  12. OK, I missed the audio piece the first time I read this, but have now finally listened to it. Oh. My. Gawd. It is so funny!!

  13. About this “dark desire pooling” inside her… This can’t be a healthy occurrence? Things “pooling” in the groin area could mean massive internal bleeding… I just worry for this girl’s health and safety. Or the author’s, since authors often write from experience.
    I thought long and hard (pun intended) about reading the Fifty Shades trilogy… But instead I found you. I don’t believe I shall read them, in fact. And you’ll be pleased to know that I laughed so hard, I snorted and woke up my boyfriend. He was not amused…until he read your blog. Now he’s amused, and he may have peed himself from laughter.

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