Fifty Shocking Revelations!?! (Fifty Shades Darker: pgs. 301-350)

Holy cow!

Lots of revelations in pages 301-350 of Fifty Shades Darker: Bride of Chucky. Crap! I just soiled my pants again. Third time since I started this post. That’s because the revelations are just sooooo revelatory. It’s just like in the film The Sixth Sense when we find out M. Night Shyamalan will go on to make a series of terrible movies. Except that one where the trees cause people to stick knives in their faces…no, I’m sorry that was also really, really bad.

(For previous recraps, click here)

So strap on some Depends® because shit just got 60 shades darker. And I don’t even know what that means!?!

Remember Leila? And the “danger”? Yeah, I didn’t either, but holy crap suspense! She’s, like, in Ana’s apartment.

What?

No seriously, the phone call is coming from inside the house. Inside the house! So Ana goes to her apartment to pick up her roommate’s brother, and she gets buzzed inside. But it isn’t her roommate’s brother. It’s Leila.

And Leila’s got a gun.

I’ll give you a second to process that and also change into fresh pair of Depends®. You know what? You might as well forgo the adult diaper and just lay a piece of tarp on the floor to catch the freely flowing defecation.

You ready?

Ana’s hair follicles tighten with terror when she sees Leila. Ana might want to see a doctor because that is a very bizarre physiological reaction–if she survives this incredibly plausible ordeal. Oh my god! This is, like, so tense and crap.

Leila looks like the little girl from The RingShe speaks in sing song and wonders why Ana looks like her and “Why does Master like us like this. . . Master is dark.”

See? That’s why it’s called Darker Shades of Glop.

Christian bursts through the door, and Ana feels the “charge” between Christian and Leila and gets all jealous and refuses to leave because what if he kisses Leila and stuff?

And then Christian orders his man servant to carry Ana out and drive her back to his apartment, and Ana’s all like….Whaatttt!!! He loves Leila! Because she is clearly a giant, fucking idiot and has the emotional depth of a Hot Pocket®.

Ana instead gets her drink on with her roommate’s brother.

She finally goes back to Christian’s apartment for the showdown of the century. This is just as tense as the time Kim Kardashian got her butt x-rayed to prove it was a real butt.

Ana says “Look you clearly like stringy sewer rats and I’m not as good as that.” Christian says “No” and shakes his head and says “No” and clenches his jaw and says “No” and bends his knee and says “No” and squeezes his eyes shut so tightly that eyeball fluid flows down his cheeks.

And then he becomes a submissive.

Huh?

Just go with it, okay. It makes perfect sense.

It does?

Um…yes.

So Ana and her three brain cells have to get him back. She twirls her vagina in his face, but that doesn’t seem to work.

So she opts for confession:

“I just don’t get why (you) like me.”

So, so complex…if one was a 7th grader.

He snaps out of it because E.L. James needs him to, and he explains why he wanted Ana to leave him alone with Leila, which was understood by the rest of the planet when it first initially happened.

Big confession time. This is almost as earth shattering as the time that one Bachelor chose that one person on The Bachelor VIIMCII and everyone was, like, her?

“I’m a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore–my birth mother,” Christian says.

Jeez, that’s going to make Christian’s sub/dom 2012 reunion super awkward, you guys!

Ana’s all like, does he think his crack whore birth mom is prettier than me?

Then he asks her to marry him.

Zzzzzzzz….

Are you even listening anymore.

Whoops! I meant to say, what?

Yup. And honestly what gal could say no to: “I like to beat girls who resemble my crack whore birth mother. Marry me”?

Ana says she needs some time to process. Christian asks if she’s hungry and his “eyes frost” when she confesses to not eating. I love the whole eating stuff, it’s just so stuff and stuff, you know what I’m saying and stuff?

He gets her to eat macaroni and cheese, which she calls “nursery food” because she’s an asshole. Then Ana decides she wants to know what Christian did with Leila.

He gave her a bath and packed her off to a mental institution. Ana freaks out about the naked bathness. This is the straw that broke the vaginal ball’s back. To hear it in all it’s crap glory, click on the audio: 

Ana goes to bed and then wakes up and thinks Crapballs then she hears Christian screaming. He’s having a nightmare. He lets her touch his chest and they rub genitalia.

Ana says she wants to talk to his therapist about Christian’s private therapy sessions. “Sure, why not?” Christian says.

Ana gets to work late and her boss Jack Hyde is a pissy shitbag.

And that’s where its ends. So much, so much to process. So much feces to clean up, thank god for the tarp, right?

Will Ana marry Christian? Will Christian be able to overcome his desire to beat brunettes who look like his crack whore birth mom? Will Ana get to work on time the next day?

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46 comments

  1. Okay, I’m supposed to be working right now. Your recraps are…what is the word….stupendous. Must try to stop cackling and give lecture…shit…can’t stop cackling…you might get me fired…oh, well…

  2. Speaker 7,
    I do enjoy these posts, about Fifty Shades… I have also shared them with my wife. She’s now a big fan. But I’m a little worried about you. Just a tad.
    Le Clown

    1. Thanks for the concern. I appreciate it. I’m doing okay. I have only said crap four times today and I no longer have deep philosophical conversations with the Hugo the puppet. Baby steps.

    1. Finally! Something positive from this experience. Go write fiction! Something better than “I think about the butt plug, and everything tightens deep inside me.”

  3. Ana should take a couple of sessions with my old yoga instructor. She used to start relaxation with “relax your scalp, relax your forehead, relax your nose…” etc… all the way down to the toes. I didn’t get the “relax your scalp” part for a long time..but you know…after a while, I could do it. No more tight hair follicles for me.

    1. Can Ana be my character? And can she be killed off immediately? I know the whole idea is to have the character win, but this would be way more cathartic.

  4. I am more concerned that your eyes will never be the same after reading this crap. Where is rthe protection against btd’s: book transmitted dementia?

    1. Wow. I have never heard of btd, but I’m sure the pharmaceutical companies will come up with something to combat that. The side effects will include explosive diarrhea, restless leg syndrome and restless hair syndrome.

  5. I love your recraps so much that I share them with others…to torture them. I’m very giving that way.

    Also, I figure if you’re going to endure this agony, as many people as possible way as well benefit. :)

  6. Seriously, this is PURE comedic GOLD. I’m sorry for your pain, but I thank you for providing me with all I will ever need to know about these horrible books via the best recraps of the century… And poop and crap and farts and stuff.

  7. I’m hiding with Becoming Cliche and trying not to get fired like K8edid. Following your blog has become ever so much more complicated since you started this series!

  8. I don’t mean to imply that the rest of this post wasn’t gaffaw-worthy, but this particular line: “He gets her to eat macaroni and cheese, which she calls “nursery food” because she’s an asshole.” just hit the spot. (Crap nugget, not the G-spot! Don’t know WHY your mind would be in the gutter that way!)

    I was in tears. It’s funny because it’s soooooooo truuuuuuuue! God, she’s such an asshole.

    As a side note, I finished books 2 and 3. Read as fast as I possibly could. My soul hurts, but at least there’s healing here! :)

    1. The line in the book really pissed me off for some reason. I think because she’s such an emotionally stunted fucktwit and she deigns to call awesome homemade mac and cheese nursery food. Like go suck on a vaginal ball, Ana, why don’t you.

      I’m happy to see that you read and survived…so it is possible.

    1. I’m so, so sorry I left you hanging. Just so you can breathe easy, she does get to work on time the next day where something really, really plausible happens–but for that you will have to wait for the recrap.

  9. Wait, I am still so confused about the food thing. Is this ever going to all make sense to me? And if macaroni and cheese is nursery food, I’m putting on a bib.

    1. I’m sure he was force fed through a funnel or not force fed through a funnel or something remarkably stupid, which is why he has really fun food issues that make for really fun reading.

  10. On behalf of Hot Pockets, I am offended. Deeply offended.

    Have you ever considered the casting director profession? You have a gift for that as well as audio book reading.

      1. So I was thinking Hot Pockets are actually like the perfect metaphor for the Shades series. There are so many comparisons you could draw. From ‘empty calories’ to ‘too many words’ (like the ingredient list) to ‘hot and gooey’ messes that make you feel dirty after you’re done…

  11. I love these recaps – I check back everyday like an obsessive freak – or you know, Christian Grey. And I have to say that Hugo and the blue bunny are a much more realistic couple. Fuckballs!

    1. I love that you check daily, and that unlike Christian, you are eyes are not hooded or frosted or blazing or whatever it is that happens to him when he is obsessing about Ana not eating. Hugo and Goofy have grown very close from this experience.

      1. Does this mean there is going to be mutant offspring in the future? You know there’s going to be mutant offspring.

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