They Can't All Be Winners

I’m all about deciphering meaning from the random, which is why I need the subtitles for The Jersey Shore.

Today, I viewed my site stats and saw this:

Let’s ignore the 9 views of “today” because that is a little sad, and instead focus on the 22222.

This is clearly a sign.

Of what, I don’t know. The pragmatists among you would say “look dope, it just means there have been 22,222 page views of your crappy blog. Probably generated mostly by you. Don’t try to bring any extra meaning to it, you jerk.” Wow, you pragmatists are really, really hostile.

I am by no means an expert in sussing out the meaning behind numbers, e.g., 22,222 page views x $0 = poverty + despair? It feels like it does anyway.

I decided to type numberology into a Google, and it said: it’s numerology, you fargin’ idiot. So then I typed numerology and learned so, so much. I learned I needed my “personal sun number” to calculate my “personal month cycles” to predict my life, or as it is known in numberology psn² x pms³³ = ½ .

When I went to find my personal sun number, I received this foreboding message:

This is the equivalent of your sun number being a big fat 0.

I had to seek out a different site so I retyped numberology (Are you fargin’ serious?!? I hate you right now - much hatred, Google)

I came upon a site about devising spiritual meaning from repetitive numbers.

It suggested to try “automatic writing” to get my answers. Automatic writing is when you write with no human control so basically what I do every day, but instead of nothing appearing, my spirit guide will write something for me.

It’s suggested to get in a quiet space and clear your mind of clutter. At this moment I have  Elmo singing “Do the hustle” in the background. This will have to do because the alternative is unpleasant, e.g., 2-year-old – elmo = screams².

So I’m suppose to write a question and then write down what exactly pops up in my brain.

Okay, here goes…

Spirit guides, what does 22,222 mean?

Doo-doh-doo-dee. Do the hustle. Free your mind and the rest will follow. Be colorblind don’t be so I need to pee no time why did I drink that liter of seltzer water?? Stupid. I’m tired and my feet are a little cold. I wish I had a dark Milkyway bar. I need to do laundry jesus didn’t I just do laundry, yes we do laundry everyday because that is our life now I should pee.

Hmm. The spirit guide sounds an awful like my interior monologue that can only be quieted with gallons of paint thinner.

Let’s try this again. *ahem* Spirit guides, what are my site views trying to tell me?

Jumping, jumping, jumping, jumping, it’s the jumping song, site stats site schmats beef it’s what’s for dinner site stats sounds like site shats my site took shats stop autocorrecting me wordpress if I want to write shats I’ll write shats stop changing it to stats stats doesn’t seem like a real word now how can it be real?!? is anything real besides the continual pressure on my bladder? The answer to your question is: nothing.

In all that time I spent “mediating” (be on the look out for new my DVD “Meditating to Elmo”), this happened:

Of course, 22229 is the universal number for “we are doomed.”

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