They Can’t All Be Winners

I’m all about deciphering meaning from the random, which is why I need the subtitles for The Jersey Shore.

Today, I viewed my site stats and saw this:

Let’s ignore the 9 views of “today” because that is a little sad, and instead focus on the 22222.

This is clearly a sign.

Of what, I don’t know. The pragmatists among you would say “look dope, it just means there have been 22,222 page views of your crappy blog. Probably generated mostly by you. Don’t try to bring any extra meaning to it, you jerk.” Wow, you pragmatists are really, really hostile.

I am by no means an expert in sussing out the meaning behind numbers, e.g., 22,222 page views x $0 = poverty + despair? It feels like it does anyway.

I decided to type numberology into a Google, and it said: it’s numerology, you fargin’ idiot. So then I typed numerology and learned so, so much. I learned I needed my “personal sun number” to calculate my “personal month cycles” to predict my life, or as it is known in numberology psn² x pms³³ = ½ :(.

When I went to find my personal sun number, I received this foreboding message:

This is the equivalent of your sun number being a big fat 0.

I had to seek out a different site so I retyped numberology (Are you fargin’ serious?!? I hate you right now - much hatred, Google)

I came upon a site about devising spiritual meaning from repetitive numbers.

It suggested to try “automatic writing” to get my answers. Automatic writing is when you write with no human control so basically what I do every day, but instead of nothing appearing, my spirit guide will write something for me.

It’s suggested to get in a quiet space and clear your mind of clutter. At this moment I have  Elmo singing “Do the hustle” in the background. This will have to do because the alternative is unpleasant, e.g., 2-year-old – elmo = screams².

So I’m suppose to write a question and then write down what exactly pops up in my brain.

Okay, here goes…

Spirit guides, what does 22,222 mean?

Doo-doh-doo-dee. Do the hustle. Free your mind and the rest will follow. Be colorblind don’t be so I need to pee no time why did I drink that liter of seltzer water?? Stupid. I’m tired and my feet are a little cold. I wish I had a dark Milkyway bar. I need to do laundry jesus didn’t I just do laundry, yes we do laundry everyday because that is our life now I should pee.

Hmm. The spirit guide sounds an awful like my interior monologue that can only be quieted with gallons of paint thinner.

Let’s try this again. *ahem* Spirit guides, what are my site views trying to tell me?

Jumping, jumping, jumping, jumping, it’s the jumping song, site stats site schmats beef it’s what’s for dinner site stats sounds like site shats my site took shats stop autocorrecting me wordpress if I want to write shats I’ll write shats stop changing it to stats stats doesn’t seem like a real word now how can it be real?!? is anything real besides the continual pressure on my bladder? The answer to your question is: nothing.

In all that time I spent “mediating” (be on the look out for new my DVD “Meditating to Elmo”), this happened:

Of course, 22229 is the universal number for “we are doomed.”

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31 comments

  1. Speaker7 you are certifiable, but in a good way. It will be a holy moment when you hit 33,333. Just sit there, with Elmo in the background, and wait for it.

  2. Ha! I love the Elmo equation. I think the 22,222 means…um…you totally deserve that Milky Way bar! (Why are those dark chocolate ones so darn tasty?! I don’t even LIKE Milky Ways!)

  3. Ahhhhhhhh, I do not believe that you could possibly be any funnier. But I may be wrong. You keep writing, and I keep thinking it, and you keep proving me wrong. Anyway, I should go pee.

    1. This was meant to be a serious, somber piece of reflection and mourning and doing-of the-hustle.

      J/k. Thanks for the kind words and I hope your bladder is now empty.

  4. My pms number is 666 so I bet I’m pretty much doomed to hell, which to me would be appearing in a Massengill commercial touting my newfound freshness.

    Great post. The best part of all is that I learned that shats and stats mean basically the same thing.

    1. I miss Massengill commercials. Wait, are those the ones now where a sad girl puts a hoodie on her head because she’s not so fresh? I cry at that. Put your hoodie down, stinky girl, everything will be okay.

      shats + stats = blogging

  5. I found this on psychicjoanne.com:
    “When 22 repeats in your life you are asked to take a balanced, harmonious and peaceful stance in all areas of your life.”
    Well, that’s you to a tee. (or a two). You definitely reek harmony and balance.
    On the other hand, right next to this revelation was an ad for Lucy.com. So pyschicjoanne might be telling me to buy a new yoga top.
    It’s one or the other.

    1. I am the epitome of harmony and balance so this is all beginning to make perfect sense. I want to be known as psychicspeaker7.com. And my first psychic vision is you purchasing a new yoga top.

  6. I never know what I’ll find when I come here, but I do know that I’ll enjoy reading it, and probably end up laughing. This post is no exception, and yeah, I’ve also had some “meditative” moments similar to what you describe. I guess there must be the endurance of chaos before there is calm within our consciousness… or some rubbish like that. (kidding) Lol

    1. Les! Glad to see you commenting on here. I thought you had vanished into the real world with those weird people who talk with their mouths and look at you with their weird globes in their eye sockets.

  7. my hippy chick sister dated this crack pot http://www.love22.com/ for a while. he believed that the number 22 was the number of eternal peace (or piece as it were). and he was also running for president (as he is now). he undoubtedly would have a lot to say about 22,222 indeed. i am surprised your site didn’t crash while you were meditating on it.

      1. No. You give me happies, so you can’t be that big a rain cloud. Maybe a Pooh Bear little black rain cloud? Hovering under the honey tree?

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