(Un)Musical Chairs

Ann Curry is currying no favor at the Today show. The NBC folks are like “Yeah, let’s order from the Indian restaurant, but for god sakes no curry because it sucks and everyone hates it. Go heavy on the lauer. Yes, I know that’s not a spice. It’s the blandest thing in the universe and I want more of it.”

Oh my god, guys, did you see what I just did there?

I don’t. So if you did, please let me know.

Ann Curry might be curried out of the co-anchor chair any second now. I mean, carried out. Ratings have dropped because Ann Curry does not show the proper level of excitement when learning what’s hot at the beach disco. (Answer: parchment paper medallions)

I’ll admit it. I’m also one of those non watchers.

You’re shocked, yes? One of my categories is the mfing Today show, but I haven’t watched it in months–not because of Ann Curry.

I haven’t watched because…pfffttt.

Or–my son has turned into a little Tasmanian Devil making it difficult to enjoy a “news” segment on serving the perfect watermelon slice because my son is trying to emulate Elmo’s World by yanking the window shade around (P.S. – Screw you, Mr. Noodle and the noodle you rode in on).

Ann Curry is NBC’s $10 Million Mistake blasts TMZ. TMZ follows up with a hard-hitting expose on whether Kris Jenner gave her daughter Kim Kardashian sex tape tips, and my reading that is my $10 mistake.

Ann worries: “Am I not good enough? Am I not what people need? Am I asking the right questions?’ When people say negative things or speculate, you can’t help but feel hurt.”

Ann, I’m sorry, but when you interviewed that dog who barked “I rove you” all Scooby Doo-like, you should have asked “Wait…am I fucking interviewing a dog right now?!?”

So who should take her place?

Many people with an enormous amount of time on their hands say it should be one of those two female anchors who look identical.

Savannah Guthrie

Or Natale Morales

Whoever it is needs to do a much better job transitioning between the fluffier news stories, e.g., the best bronzers for babies, and the hard-hitting stuff, e.g. trying to fry an egg on the sidewalk to show how hot it actually is.

Ann Curry looks too dead-eyed when she does this as if she’s thinking Holy barking dog! I used to cover wars for cripes sake. Okay plaster on the smile as I say this: “Next up on Today, is your grilled cheese sandwich too cheesy or too grilly?” 

Before we all lose our minds in our frenzied speculating, I offer a few more choices for consideration:

1. Staring Dog

This dog was featured on the Today show because he looks at people with an intense gaze and then drops that gaze only to lick his balls. I think this dog would send Matt Lauer over the edge.

2. Speaker7

This is the obvious choice. I know about stuff like the War of 1812 and Kris Jenner’s sex tape tips. This makes me a erudite or eruidope anchor.

3. Walter Conkrite

Wait a second…Mr. Speaker7 just informed me that Walter Conkrite is dead. So who is this? Holy disguise! It’s Hugo, the man of a thousand faces! Well played, Hugo, you creepy, creepy weirdo puppet, you. He would be fantastic. I’m saying this because he has threatened to visit me in my dreams otherwise.

So who do you think should be the next anchor? Remember the state of your watermelon slices depends on it.

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30 comments

  1. Can we get rid of the whole crew and start again? I actually think, though that Savannah Guthrie is quite intelligent. But the whole venue of Today will drum THAT right out of her. In favor of barking/staring/ball licking dogs.

    1. So you’re saying a whole slate of staring ball-licking dogs? That would be interesting. It would be even better if they all played poker because then it would be like watching fine art all day.

  2. Of course one of the Kardashian sisters. Apparently they are the only ones people want to watch these days. And any one of them could fill in. They’ve kept that reality show afloat without content for years now imagine reviving the Today show.

  3. Speaker7 for crap’s sake, who else? You know more about adult baby syndrome than anyone I know. I would also nominate an alternative choice, a giant wad of paper with Donald Trump’s toupee.

    Oh, why did you have to show Hugo again? Why? Don’t you care at all about your readers’ mental health?

  4. Speaker7, you made me laugh first thing in the morning. And seriously, what could be better than that!? Keep writing – you have brought a lot of giggles, as well as knee-slapping laughter, to my life!

  5. I saw a clip on The Soup last night of Ann interviewing someone or other on The Today Show. It was horrifying and horrific at the same time. I’d watch you. Also Stephen Colbert. And maybe Chelsea Handler. And Luke from General Hospital.

  6. speaker 7, naturally. and if it can’t be speaker 7 then mr. noodle as punishment because he is the most moronic person in the history of ever and they deserve that.

  7. I have had similar thoughts about Savatalie. I have too much to think about already, I seriously can’t be expected to tell these two twins-separated-at-birth apart. NBC, please allow my cat to co-anchor. She’s cute and throws up occasionally.

  8. Speaker 7. Even I would watch morning TV if there was a Turd of the Week award. And you are a very hard worker. You could find a Turd of the Day. (actually, you might even be a little lazy, but there are lots of turds out there.)

  9. Ann Curry is so terrible. I don’t know why they hired her. She is obviously the worst thing to ever happen to TV and the world ever. I thought I saw a flicker of caring in her eyes, and it made me mad. She is the cause of all bad things that have ever happened. Thank you.

  10. LOL Who is Ann Curry? I apparently haven’t watched enough TV this year. Hugo would be the perfect anchor, except his chest isn’t big enough. So, no.

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