This Post Will Make You Blush

People hate being embarrassed. I remember reading an article about choking in restaurants. It stated one of the main reasons people died is because they left the table to deal with the choking in the privacy of the restroom so as not to embarrass themselves in front of others with all the gasping and eye-bulging. It embarrasses me that I cannot remember the name of the article or find a link to it.

In 10th grade, I was walking and waving to a group of friends on the front lawn of school. My head was not turned in the direction I was going, and I fell over a bicycle rack. To make it even better, the boy I had crush on witnessed the entire event. I immediately left school and joined a nunnery in the Himalayans. Here’s the kicker: There wasn’t a nunnery there. I was so mortified that I tried to pass myself off as a curvy monk, but my bright red cheeks and excessive sweating gave me away. And I’m not even curvy. Why did I say that? Oh my god. I’m completely humiliated.

Some sciency people say embarrassment is a good thing (is sciency people the right word? What are they called? Sciencers? Sciencence? This is mortifying). It’s a sign of virtue. It shows you can be trusted, and it makes motorists stop when they mistake your bright red face for a stop sign.

So what does it mean if you’re someone who is not easily embarrassed? Does it mean you’re an untrustworthy asshat? The sciency folks could not say for sure, but maybe would look into it in the future.

Well let’s look into it now, shall we. Let’s examine the behavior of one Donald Trump.

Donald Trump cannot be embarrassed. Just look at him:

He knows his hair looks like cotton candy run through a taffy pulling machine then set on fire and extinguished by a pound of cat fur mixed with sawdust.

His hair alone should cause his face to be the color of a fire hydrant. But the reason his face is the color of a fire hydrant is because he’s always blowing hot air out of his yawping maw.

“Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!” he screams like an over-sugared toddler.

He recently blathered some nonsense about Trump steaks. No wait. It was about his many bankruptcies. Nope. I’m wrong again. I’m totally blushing right now.

He said: “Celebrity Apprentice just ended, and I need to be on TV again so how ’bouts I prattle on about President Obama not being a U.S. citizen? Yeah, let’s do that. I’m fired…up. Did you see what I did there? Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!”

See, I would be embarrassed to say something that’s been so obviously refuted that it’s on par with saying something like “Donald Trump is virtuous.”

But that’s me.

Donald Trump said this right before hosting a fundraiser for Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney said he believed Obama was a natural born citizen, which was very big of him. Using the word “believe” means there could be a tad uncertainty about it. Well done.

I believe Mitt Romney escaped from the Chuck E. Cheese automaton band, and is full of ricotta cheese. But that’s just what I believe, man. You can believe your own ride.

I also believe that Donald Trump is actually a robotic megaphone coated in spray tan and axe body spray.

It would explain the inability to be embarrassed.

And the hair.

But what I do know for certain is that he is an untrustworthy asshat.

Science!

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33 comments

  1. “I believe Mitt Romney escaped from the Chuck E. Cheese automaton band, and is full of ricotta cheese.” This is the best thing I’ve read all day. Including all the things that I’ve written! How embarrassing.

    1. Thank you. It’s even more amazing that you said that because you also read a Donald Trump quote in this post, and we all know he says so many wonderful things.

  2. Me? Virtuous and trustworthy? Wow. I always thought I became so embarrassed because I got caught being just the opposite. Who knew?! Thanks sciencey people! I like you! *blushes*

    1. Well see you felt bad when you got caught. If you were like Donald Trump you wouldn’t give a crap. Instead you would get interviewed on the Today show.

  3. Everytime I read one of your posts, I am learneder than I was before. As a pretend sciencer, I think you’ve nailed both Mitt and Donald here. Sadly you nailed them without turds.

  4. This is one of my favorite posts ever. Ever! My next favorite post ever was when you drew a wad of paper topped off with Donald’s toupee. In summary, write about Donald more often. Please?

    I am so, so glad I took a risk and clicked on the Chuck E. Cheese link.

  5. Trump the Ultimate Chump has been irritating and infuriating me, from the very first day I saw him, and even worse, when I listened to him speak, sometime back in the early ’90s. The man is the Mt Everest of Hubris and his picture should be in Webster’s next to each of the words “Megalomaniac” “Narcissist” and “Buffoon”. But you really nailed him and what he’s all about here in your post, and that picture of him is the best worst one I’ve ever seen.

    Embarrassment? Trump is an embarrassment to the reputation of the Human race, and he spreads out even more embarrassment beyond his own presence, because some humans actually admire him and want to be like him… and it doesn’t get much more embarrassingly pathetic than that.

  6. Donald Trump is a ridiculous mess, but let’s face it, the guy wipes his ass with checks made out for more money than I earn in a year. I’D get a cotton candy hairdo if it meant being able to look in my account and say, “Look at those zeros baby!” The only thing I wouldn’t do for cash is become a Scientologist.

  7. Where’s the turd? I’m certain there’s supposed to be one in there somewhere, like on his head. Oh. That is a turd? It looks too combed to be a soft-serve pile.

  8. Okay, so here’s what happens. I can’t wait and then I read your post on my phone, but I can’t respond unless I log in so I say I’ll do it later. Then the post is gone from my email.
    I LOVE THIS POST. This is some of your best satire ever:
    “He knows his hair looks like cotton candy run through a taffy pulling machine then set on fire and extinguished by a pound of cat fur mixed with sawdust.”
    Why didn’t I write that? Damn.
    PS-There is no larger douche on earth than DT, and you nailed him (which is why the douchebag is leaking now).

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