Reason #34 Why I Will Never Visit Florida

Some questions remain about why a naked man on a Miami causeway tried to rip flesh off another man’s face, according to today’s Miami Herald.

I’m not sure…could that headline be a little bit of an understatement? Maybe. One naked guy attacked another naked man on the MacArthur Causeway, and proceeded to chew his face. Passing motorists tried to get him to stop by honking and yelling things like “Stop!” and “What the fuck am I looking at right now? Did I just wander onto the Walking Dead set?”

A police officer arrived and ordered the man off. A passing bicyclist described the scene like this: “The guy just stood, his head up like that, with pieces of flesh in his mouth. And he growled.”

So yes, I think there might be a few questions that need to be answered.

Police theorized that the attacker suffered from cocaine psychosis, which causes the body to bake internally and would explain why he was naked.

Okay.

But what about the face-eating? I think, and I feel comfortable speaking for the entire world here, we are a little more concerned about the face-eating part. If I passed by a naked person biting into the face of another naked person, my first thought would not be “Oh my god! They’re naked! The horror! I feel shame for them.”

No. It would be more “Oh my god! That guy is eating that guy’s face!?!”

You see? I didn’t even mention the naked part.

The face-eating. Yes, that’s what we would like explained, and please, let it be an explanation that does not use the word “zombie”.

I may be in the minority here, but I am not a fan of zombies. I don’t like the guttural moaning, the dirty fingernails, the shuffling, the human-eating, the decaying flesh. I don’t like how they seem to find each other and then find your house, and they start to swarm around your front window and beat on the glass and you see a mouse scurry out of the mouth of one and you know they’re seconds away from getting inside and you only have a spatula to protect yourself.

See? This looks terrible. And he even has guns. I don’t have guns. I have a spatula, and it’s not even a high-end Williams-Sonoma spatula, it’s a plastic Dollar Store spatula. I’m totally screwed.

I don’t know if I want to wait the requisite six to eight weeks for the attacker’s autopsy report. I’d rather start preparing myself now.

And thus I present Speaker7’s Zombie Apocalypse-avoiding Checklist™*.

1. Purchase high-end pointy spatulas.

2. Never go to Florida.

3. Remain ignorant of everything at all times.

*This works in 98 percent of all emergency situations with the exception of tornadoes. For tornado preparedness change #2 to Never go to Kansas.
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54 comments

  1. Thanks 7, for making me feel better about the US of A. As most of the population now seems to have nailed #3, even when flesh-eating zombies/politicians are consuming us, we will meet our doom with smiles on our faces.

  2. i sort of thought you made this up or something until i went on google news. that is crazy!! i have nightmares about zombies… so freaky!!

  3. I didn’t realize that I needed another reason to never go to Florida again. Thanks, Speaker7 for helping me keep flesh on my bones. (Although, come to think of it, loss of a little belly flab would be ok).

  4. We just moved back to Fort Lauderdale and most of the television news originates out of Miami. This story ran on the local TV news yesterday yet was not as descriptive as the article in the Miami Harold or your wonderful post. Now I remember why I don’t venture south to Miami.

    I’ve got # 1&3 down; but make regional adjustments for #2!

    1. That’s perfectly fine to change #2 to South Florida. The rules are very adaptable that way. Stay clear of any naked people growling, Chris. Give a shout-out if you see them start traveling north.

  5. What the he** is wrong with people?! I have several spatulas, so I guess I’m set. What with global warming, we could be seeing zombies in Chicago anytime.

    1. Oh definitely. I’m thinking Alaska even. This is how we get politicians to address climate change. Once zombies are eating congresspeople’s faces then we will see a shift toward eco-friendly alternative energy.

  6. My favorite part of the article from the Miami Herald is the quote from the bike riding eye-witness: “It’s one of the most gruesome things I’ve ever seen in my life in person”… because it prompts me to immediately ask: What other things have you seen in your life that when grouped with a man eating another man’s face, it’s ONE of the most gruesome things you’ve ever seen in real life?…. ? Wtf?

    1. Yeah that was pretty awesome. “Well see this one time I saw a horse give birth to an elephant-shaped flamingo and that was pretty gruesome too. Then this other time, I saw a hotdog eating contest and nearly threw up. To this day, I can’t look at mustard without dry heaving.”

  7. I can think of so many reasons never to go to Florida, and now you have given me one more. Thank you! I’m in your debt. If I ever become a zombie, I’ll eat your brain last.

  8. I started working on my official apology for my state last night. I’m hoping I can actually get it on my blog at some point tonight. Man, Florida is so freakin’ weird.

  9. Thanks again, S7, for making my most disgusting post way less disgusting than this. As accurate as all the reporting was on this story, I’m still confused why the zombie didn’t stop when people yelled “Stop!”.
    They usually do.

    1. I know. It works on Dora the Explorer when she has to deal with Swiper the zombie fox. Whenever Swiper tries to swipe Dora’s brain, she says “stop” and he does. It could be that Dora has no brain.

  10. You managed to make a really uncomfortable story hysterically funny, but my favourite part is the caption, ” See? This looks terrible. And he even has guns. I don’t have guns. I have a spatula, and it’s not even a high-end Williams-Sonoma spatula, it’s a plastic Dollar Store spatula. I’m totally screwed.” …still laughing!

  11. I have a deep seated resentment of zombies, because of all the really bad movies they’re in. So I’m on board for your suggestion of purchasing high-end pointy spatulas, so I can really kick me some bad movie zombie ass! (hey, makes about as much sense as a bad zombie movie plot)

    Never go to Florida? Hmm… While I’d rather not risk having my face eaten off, I’ve had some good times in FLA and I might want to go there again – but only just to visit. How about “Never live in Florida”? I could definitely get behind that! In fact, NO ONE should live in Florida… not after what happened in November of 2000! No way, no how!

    1. The rules are meant to be adapted to your respective situation. If you must visit, I suggest wearing a Hannibal Lector face mask for protection.

      1. Lol – At first I thought “Hey, now that sounds like a good idea!” But then I remembered what Lector was well known for in that first movie, and then I thought that maybe I shouldn’t be down in FLA these days, looking like a well known face eater – People are probably feeling kinda antsy down there right now as it is, and I don’t want to give them the wrong impression. Somebody might “stand their ground” and shoot me on sight.

        Maybe a goldfish bowl (without goldfish and water) might be a better choice, as long as it’s one that my head won’t get stuck in… Lol

  12. I don’t like zombies either. They remind me of everyone I’ve ever worked with…the guttural moaning, the dirty fingernails, the shuffling, the human-eating, the decaying flesh.

    I think that the key here is that we need to separate Florida from the rest of the country. It’s too hot, it’s too trashy, and people are obviously into face cuisine there.

  13. This was on the news on TV in Singapore tonight. It’s real weird. And in Miami? Isn’t that the sunny city a la Miami Vice? Now it’s a bizzare case fit for CSI Miami.Agree with you check-list #1 and #2. Not sure #3 will help though.

  14. This post made me snort, which woke the baby up but it was totally worth it. I’m SO glad you understand about the zombies. When I first heard this story I tried to tell my husband that this was the first sign that some experimental virus has leaked from its top-secret government research facility, but he’s not taking me seriously. He won’t even pick up a good spatula on his way home from work, and mine are all plastic.

  15. Oh, and I came here from The Middlest Sister, which I found today because somebody else reblogged her post with a link to you in it. Which sounds like a cool coincidence – AT FIRST – until you realize that what it *probably* means is that I was meant to find your blog with the spatula advice so that I could properly battle the Government Virus Zombies so we could end up joining forces at the end of the Zombie Apocalypse and save the world. Which means the zombies really are real. Bad news. I’d better subscribe to your blog in case you need to send me more survival messages.

    1. I’m envisioning a training montage right now. “You’re the Best Around” from the Karate Kid is playing in the background while we do karate moves with spatulas in our hands. At first we’re terrible, but then it clicks and we’re flinging pointy spatulas directly into the heads of mannequins and then we high-five and jump in the air and the scene freezes.

  16. There’s something to be said for living in Canada. The weirdest thing I have ever seen here is a person standing on a Toronto overpass dressed in a space suit. And that weirded me out for days. Perhaps this Toronto citizen had previously been to Florida and encountered a face eater, thus the compulsion to keep his or her head encased. It seems you may have solved this long running mystery for me as to why anyone would encase their entire head in plexiglass. It’s cetainly as plausible as my previous guesses. I’m not sure I will ever be up to Florida, but thanks for the heads up. I am sure there would be no mention of this attraction in the brochures.

  17. I thought Disney being there was reason enough not to ever go. They do have some nice sand though…too bad it’s not fresh water like Michigan.

  18. If I wasn’t so behind in my blog reading, you (once again) would be my breaking news source here because I only read about this last night in a teeny blurb in the newspaper. I love that my exact thought was also, yes, so that’s why he’s naked but who the hell cares! Why is he eating someone’s face, for God’s sake?!

    I can’t think zombies without thinking of the Thriller video. Can you imagine choreographing zombies? Like herding cats, I bet.

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