Wife Swap: Klondike Bar Quandary

Editor’s note: The act of blogging follows a consistent path. There is the coming up of ideas; the writing of ideas; the hiding under the table while one weeps; the drinking of coffee laced with rum; the self-loathing followed by self-congratulating and then more self-loathing; the watching of TV; the shaking of the fist at not getting Freshly Pressed; the drinking of rum laced with coffee; and the eventual publishing. But sometimes a giant roadblock is thrown up on the path that causes the entire system to break down. This is called writer’s block. This is something all bloggers experience, and if you don’t, please do not tell us because we will wish ill of you. This was something that happened recently, and from despair, an idea was born. Life in the Boomer Lane and Speaker7 decided to swap posts that lingered for centuries in draft form to see what would transpire. Would it be as brilliant as the time Gary Busey and Ted Haggard swapped wives and caused the downfall of civilization? We don’t know. But we do know that no hair pulling or fingernail scratching or bloodshed ensued. So that’s something. The rest is up to you.  

It’s the eternal question:

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

People do some really crazy things, according to my teacher TV. Guys will put dishes in the dishwasher! Guys will massage their horrible mother-in-laws’ feet! Guys will wax their balls!

Clearly people will submit to acts of humiliation such as putting dishes away for the chance to eat a block of ice cream coated in a chocolate that will end up all over their hands and faces.

A couple of Internet entrepreneurs or Intreprenets, as I call them, realized this too, and also realized that a box of Klondike bars costs around $4.50, and created Fiverr, a website where people can buy and sell “gigs” for $5.

You can pay someone $5 to be your girlfriend for a week on Facebook or $5 to read a scan of your palm. You can pay a guy to make his pectoral muscles dance or take a cold bath fully clothed while holding a sign.

Ah, the free market!

This got Renee of Life in the Boomer Lane thinking what she would do for $5. She came up with “executor of your will” and then grew tired of the subject and passed the eternal Klondike bar question to me.

So this got me thinking: What can I do for $5?

. . .

Hmm. I obviously needed help so I took one of those quizzes that tells you everything you need to know about yourself: What Kind of Cosmo Girl Are You?

Apparently “chicks these days” fall into one of four categories of fowl. What kind of bird am I?

The questions were intense and really seemed to get to the root of being a bird. Ex:

It turned out I’m a Foghorn Leghorn. This was fantastic news, but still didn’t help me with my quest. I looked to Fiverr for assistance and it said: “focus on serious offerings that will be beneficial to potential buyers.” I also consulted my brain and it said: don’t do anything that requires skill or takes a lot of time.

Okay.

Potential gigs:

The Wall Street experience – I will take your $5 and give you this in return and then take your house.

Awesome Drawing: I will draw you a picture of my choosing and take a picture of it.

They will all look like this.

Original Song – I will write and perform an original song and call it “_____’s Candle in the Wind”.

And finally,

This is What You Really Want Anyway so Why Go Through All This Rigmarole Gig:

Melting optional.

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27 comments

  1. Oh my, 7. You have taken a pale, weak, anemic, close-to-being moribund idea and turned it into something worth reading. Now I will go through my file of aborted writing (going back to 1973) and start sending you everything.

  2. This is great! No idea that there was an actual website for people doing things for $5, thought this was a joke. OMG. Really? You should pursue that drawing thing. Saw a show on Shark Tank where a guy is making a go-zillion $$ for drawing pictures of cats. Stick figure cats. Hilarious post.

  3. Hilarious!! You are totally Press-worthy! If I see another blog on there with pictures of their trip to Asia I will gag.

    1. Thank you. Yes, the photography blogs have really seemed to dominate the FP lately. And reviews. Maybe I should write a review of my trip to Asia?

  4. Fantastic. I don’t know if this ties to this post but now I want a Klondike bar. And I would most definitely pay $5 for that drawing. The song? Perhaps. My husband overheard it playing on my laptop and said, “Is some kind of an animal playing a piano?” If only it would’ve been a cat or a raccoon or a guinea pig playing the song, then it’d be worth about $5 million.

    1. Ha! I laughed out loud at your husband’s comment. And then I cried because I put my entire soul into that song. And then I laughed some more because now that I didn’t have a soul, I could get a job on Wall Street.

      I might bring in one of the squirrels in the yard and see what it can do on the piano.

  5. I’m sorry to report that, not unlike Mr. Leghorn, writer’s block is a mythical creature…nonetheless, I applaud your inventive approach to stirring the creative juices. This could very well be the next thing in blogging. Perhaps a blog chain? Where a series of bloggers create one post together, alternating one word at a time. It would be like the movie Human Centipede…only, hopefully, watchable.

    1. That sounds as beautiful as Hands Across America…I’m speaking, of course, of the Human Centipede. But the blog chain is not a bad idea either.

    1. I can definitely do that. It might sorta look like a stick figure holding a balloon and saying “I paid $5 for this?” but if you use your imagination, it will look exactly like Eminem riding a great white shark.

  6. I like this. I want that Klondike bar. I like the fact that you swapped. It makes the whole thing that much sexier. What happens if you swap your blog and the other person falls in love with it and leaves you? This worries. me.

    1. Oh my god, I didn’t even think about that. I was so confident in my blog’s loyalty to me, but it could leave me any day. And then what would I have? That Speaker7Doppelganger blog? And she is awful. Now I’m depressed.

  7. Hey, I think I wrote that song. I would sue you for copyright infringement, if I wasn’t so lazy. Maybe I’ll just pester you until you pay me $5 to shut up.

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