Oh the Places You Won’t Go

May is the month of college commencements. In fact the local college’s commencement is tomorrow, and I have been trying like crazy to be tapped as this year’s keynote speaker. It makes sense since my name is Speaker7.

The current speaker is a sack of potatoes. I’m not trying to be mean. It is literally a sack of potatoes with a mouth painted on it (Budget cuts).

I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I do I think I can do a much better job. In fact I have a commencement address already prepared:

I am speaking now. Shut up. It is truly an honor to be here today to share this moment of accomplishment with you, and an accomplishment it is. In just a few years, you have managed to incur the kind of debt that used to take a lifetime to achieve.

You are embarking on a new journey, one where anything is possible until you see your first loan payment and realize it is more than the cost of your $450 intro to sociology textbook that you just sold for $25 to buy beer. 

It is a time for discovery. A time for discovering that your degree in newspaper journalism was probably not the best route nor was that minor in DVD repair, and you should have listened to your mother and gotten something in health care because if one thing is for certain, Americans will continue to get fatter and sicker.

It is a time of endless possibilities. There is the possibility that one of the 200 resumes you sent out will lead to a phone call from a prospective employer or the possibility that it won’t.

I believe the children are our future. I truly believe that the future will be populated by the people being born now. Does that make me a soothsayer? Possibly.

What I mostly believe–occasionally I believe something different after say, 3 glasses of wine–is that the future is bleak.

Things are grim. Not grim in a good way like a Brothers Grimm tale where a witch tries to cook children. No this is much worse–like the television show Grimm.

Look at the person to the left of you. That person will be moving back in with his/her parents. Now look to the right. So will that person.

Where does that leave you? Also living with your parents.

One percent of you come from rich families so you’ll likely live off their hard work of inheriting money from other generations. To you, I say, try to be less awful than your parents. This can be done by a) not having a reality show and b) not having a reality show and c) never speaking.

To the rest of you, the 99 percent, there are two jobs available. One is at Taco Bell working third shift. It involves cleaning Doritos dust from the tiles of the bathrooms. You will smell like taco meat most of the time. The other is a life coach. Unfortunately this job is made up.

So what are you going to do? This is not a rhetorical question. Seriously, what the fuck are you going to do?

There are options.

You may want to take the easy way out like standing in line for days to sing “I Believe I can Fly” before Howie Mandel and then watch as your dignity literally flies from your body. Or you may sniff a stranger’s ass for $10,000 on Total Blackout and look like this:

Those are literally the only two options I could think of. 

Good luck and happy commencing!

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32 comments

    1. No kidding, but I am nothing without my visual aids. That picture of the guy sniffing a random ass would have to be projected onto a drive-in sized movie screen.

  1. I got goosebumps reading this, Nostradamus. Pretty f*cking funny. I hope the reality isn’t quite so bleak, but I feel ya with the college debt. At least we all have health care now and because we live in a color-blind society, we will all run stop lights and die. That should solve some problems.

  2. Oh, as the parent of a “rising” college junior, well, this strikes terror into my heart. I thought he would move out. Now I find I am wrong.

    Dang.

  3. So funny. I wish this speech had been given at my graduation. It would have kept thousands of people entertained instead of causing them to doze off and sneak out early.

    1. The nameless faceless jerkward who spoke at my college commencement was blathering on about living on a hill and staying away from the poor. It was awkward.

  4. Hilarious as always. As in, laugh out loud funny, and now my gut hurts from all that laughing :)

      1. Listen, if I was in charge of the “inspirational awesomeness Noble Peace Prize” award, you’d be my top choice. Just sayin’. But I’m not, so you get my vote on wordpress and I can also send you a virtual congratulatory handshake.

  5. This would be hysterically funny if I didn’t believe with all my heart that every last word of it was true. You sure calls ‘em as you sees ‘em!

  6. Amazing speech. It was so moving, so uplifting and makes me ponder all the good that the future holds for us in the form of think tanks and thinking that tanks. For whatever reason, I now have an urge to eat a dehydrated Lipton noodle packet.

  7. “It is a time of endless possibilities. There is the possibility that one of the 200 resumes you sent out will lead to a phone call from a prospective employer or the possibility that it won’t.” God, how true is that?

    I’d rather colleges just tell kids, “Guess what? This is the most expensive piece of paper you’ll ever buy, and even better, you’ll never be able to pay it off because it won’t lead to a job. HUZZAH!”

    Speaking of college stuff, did you hear about this?

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/21/university-of-texas-commencement-pubic_n_1534757.html

    1. That is beyond awesome. I want a degree in pubic affairs, but I really don’t want to go to school in Texas. I wonder if there’s a pubic affairs school nearby?

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