This Post Will Cost Me Followers

Holy Samoa!

The Girl Scouts are teaming up with Nestle to create Girl Scout candy bars. This is the beginning of a journey that will ultimately end with me being extracted from my house by a forklift.

The bars are inspired by my three favorite cookies: thin mints, tag alongs and samoas, also known as the devil cookie.

I have gained five pounds just from viewing this picture.

I don’t know about you, but when I rip open a box of thin mints, I don’t eat the suggested serving of 2 cookies, I eat the non suggested serving of 2 sleeves of cookies thereby enabling me to put the empty cardboard box in a recycling bin in a timely manner. I do this for the environment.

Since I like candy way more than cookies, I imagine I will be eating the weight of my house in thin mint bars. I am excited.

But do you know who isn’t excited?

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

They have launched an intensive inquiry into the Girl Scouts much in the same manner they left no stone unturned in the Catholic priest sex scandal.

Wait, am I remembering that correctly?

Oh right.

So that was sort of swept under the rug a tad, but now they’re making up for it by examining whether the ingestion of Do-Si-Dos causes abortions. I’m sure if they find a connection, the bishops will just move that box of Do-Si-Dos from one warehouse to another. Problem solved.

Bishop and evil identifier Kevin Rhoades wrote a letter to the Girl Scouts requesting the organization clarify whether or not its programming turns girls into dirty, dirty whores who like unmarried sex, condoms and community service, but hate babies (I’m paraphrasing).

I should add that the Girl Scouts is a secular organization not run by the Catholic Church so this investigation makes perfect sense just the way my investigation into whether or not the Catholic Church leadership is out of its gourd is getting the attention it deserves (The results just come back: Yes it is – evidence).

“There had been some complaints about the Scouts, and the bishops couldn’t turn a deaf ear,” said Sister Mary Ann Walsh, a spokeswoman for the bishops.

Oh yes, I remember that guy. He looked up stuff on the Internet and concluded that the Girl Scouts was a communist organization hell bent on propagating Planned Parenthood’s pro-abortion agenda by going hiking and camping.

Yes, never ignore someone who looks like this:

“I look completely normal, right?l”

“I think you do.”

Um…I have a few complaints so maybe the bishops would like to keep their non-deaf ears turned this way.

Ok so here’s just a few, granted they are not as serious as the programming of a youth organization that attempts to instill the values of honesty and friendship, but hear me out:

  1. Why did the pope say condoms would make the AIDS crisis in Africa worse?
  2. Why did the pope reinstate a bishop who believes Jewish people were not sent to the gas chamber during the Holocaust, and said this about women: “A woman can do a good imitation of handling ideas, but then she will not be thinking properly as a woman”?
  3. Why did the pope criticize a group of nuns for focusing too much on poverty and economic injustice rather than focusing on cementing up lady parts, the root of all evil?

I’m sure you’ll get right on that.

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38 comments

  1. That “completely normal looking guy” looks like about half of the bad guy Aryans in Season 2 on Sons of Anarchy.

    I don’t eat candy because I never know when to stop. I must dream about pigging out 5 nights a week. Tonight, dreaming of those candy bars.

  2. I forgot about the ‘Girls Scouts are commies’ guy. Holy hell this world is full of a whole bunch of crazy. That samoa candy bar looks kick ass though.

  3. Yeah, I agree. This post will gain you followers. (Hopefully not so many that you have to start a church). I absolutely see a connection between cookies and the devil. Thank the pope for pointing that out and talking me out of using a condom when I have AIDS sex.

    1. The pope has made things so easy. I now no longer have to pretend to be able to handle ideas since my uterus gets in the way of all logic and reason. I just giggle and twirl a strand of hair around my finger and let the men handle the ideas like “scorched-condom policies”.

  4. ok, wtf?! how in the hell do they think candy bars are leading to ho-dom? are the candy bars wearing halter tops and skinny jeans? i don’t even understand the words that are coming out of their creepy little mouths. and i love your post title, ‘this post will cost me followers’. bwwaaahhhaaa. i’ve had a few of those myself. but, i, for one, will always be reading you. sm

    1. You need to realize that you’re a dame so you can’t understand period. That’s for the men wearing the skirts and necklaces and swinging chalices of incest. They understand so much about reality.

  5. I was never a girl scout, but every time I have worn a girl scout costume, it did lead to sex. The Catholic church is right, there is probably a correlation there.
    Loved your post!

  6. The folks (and organizations who are losing their minds is clearly breading wantonly. That is because they are neither practicing safe sex nor abstinence only. And the girl scouts are just the beginning.

    The assault on motherhood and apple pie starts tomorrow (sadly they will never try to take out baseball :).

    Also I had to re-subscribe (thanks again, Word Press). But I found this in my reader. I am getting so very confused.

    I’m going to re-blog this because it is a brilliant post.

  7. I was a Girl Scout. I learned many useful things, like how to give blow jobs, how to perform an abortion with a clothes hangar, and how to roast marshmallows until they’re juuuuuuuuuuuust right.
    Oh wait, only that last one was true. Clearly, I was in an exceptionally boring troop, if I didn’t learn how to be a dirty, dirty, commie skank. If I have a daughter, I’ll have to make sure she gets into one of the good troops. I wouldn’t want her to miss out like I did.

      1. The piece is brilliant. Really. I am tired of religious folks of every ilk thinking that it’s OK to impose their absurd ideas on the rest of us. And taking on the girl scouts should be a wake-up call to folks who think it is all harmless. Cause it’s really not.

  8. Angie has me all flustered about folks reading the entire posts vs. just skimming the post and leaving a comment. But honestly, Speaker – when you start a post with talk about cookies and candies joining happily ever after, how am I to focus on anything else? Wait. Is the joining of Nestle and Girl Scout cookies being portrayed as a marriage? I’m not sure I’m in favor of cookies marrying candy. What would the Catholics say?

    1. It is an unholy union of the devil. If you allow cookies to marry candy, what’s next? Pickles and pretzels? Slim Jims and beef jerky!?! When does the madness stop?

    2. Hey, I’ll have you know, Lenore, that was hypothetical! None of us ever do that. I’m certain. Wait, wasn’t this post about candy and cookies? I better go back and reread.

  9. I was a Girl Scout in the year that fire was discovered. We didn’t sell cookies (cookies hadn’t been invented yet). But we did pray to the devil a lot, fornicate with a lot of males, get pregnant and have abortions, and fold little corners of pages down in the Bible. My badges were in exotic dancing, paganism, babysitting, and hospitality. 7, you rock. Seriously.

  10. Just hand out them candy bars for free, along with the purchase of a coat hanger abortion or two (performed by real Girl Scouts!), and you’ll get your followers back.

    As for me, I’m staying. I would like a candy bar, though. If you’re offering.

  11. There is no way this post should lose you any followers. If anything, it should make you gain them. I am trying really hard to think of a polite way to say what I think of these anti Girl Scout (or as we call them in Canada – Girl Guides), anti candy bar, … the rest of what I was thinking of calling them would not be good to put on your blog.
    I’m thinking I need a couple of those devil cookie candy bars to fix me up.

  12. When I saw the picture of John Boy again (again…thanks Speaker7), I praised the Lord that I wasn’t as this very moment pregnant. Because, had I been, I am certain that upon the sight of him, my body would spontaneously abort (AKA “miscarry”, AKA “biologically avoid bringing a child into a world where humans can actually shape ignorance into their eyebrows”).

  13. When I saw the headline in my news feeds about the Bishops and the Girl Scouts I was expecting a humour article. It took me a minute to readjust myself to the fact that ‘no this was not a humour piece.’ I was already following the story about those naughty nuns giving all their time to the social gospel of Jesus while all the while secretly dyfying all rationality and ignoring the condom issue, so I should have been better prepared. Really is there anything left to shock us with?

    1. Possibly. Although once we eradicate the evil girl scouts then. . .um. . . something good happens? I need to flip through my bible for a second.

  14. Don’t you know that the Holocaust didn’t happen? Wait. Maybe I’m hallucinating because I have lady parts instead of a boy part. Good thing that bishop wasn’t aware that this person who was not thinking properly as a woman, used to be entrusted with handling a $70 million piece of government equipment (a ship- yes, I was the person on the bridge running it, during my watch). What a maroon!

    I guess it is the Catholic Church’s duty to protect the world from all the evil that the Girl Scouts perpetuates. Hey, wait a minute. I was one… for a year. Oops. I even support and perpetuate that evil by buying and eating way too many of the cookies every year. Oh well. Guess I’m just going to hades.

  15. What does it say about me if I was never in the Girl Scouts, but I was still a commie abortioning skanky whore? Must have been the f*ckn cookies. Something with that much chocolate has to be from the devil. Please excuse me. I need to go pray now. I’m sure I’m going to hell.

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