The Brain is a Battlefield

You know how you’re belting the words to Pat Benatar’s Love is a Battlefield while on the toilet, and your husband asks you: “Hey, wasn’t that song in a movie?”

And you reply: “Yes, yes it was. It was in the Legend of Billie Jean starring the sibling sensations Helen and Christian Slater plus the voice of Lisa Simpson, Kingsley Shacklebolt.” And then you realize you couldn’t name all nine U.S. Supreme Court justices even if the condition of your brother’s scooter depended on it. You know there’s that jerk Tony and that other jerk Little Tony and that jerk who allegedly put pubic hair on a Coke can, and some dames.

This is me. This is the state of my brain. It is packed with useless knowledge and devoid of any real value.

Hey did you know that Ricki Lake was in a movie with the villain dude from Some Kind of Wonderful and they each ate bags of sugar babies so Ricki thought that meant love and the movie was called Babycakes? No, well it’s true because 15 years ago I watched it 735 times on Lifetime.

What was the War of 1812 about? Um…….sugar babies famine? Too many sugar babies? I have no sugar-babies clue.

There is so much I don’t know. Here is a short list:

  • Any dimensions - When you say “It’s about 2 square miles long” I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about. I might look like I do because I’m nodding my head and saying “Yeah, okay. Yeah” but that’s because I’m trying not to look stupid.
  • Any sewing in any capacity - How do you hem pants? Beats me. I think they should just make clothes with a series of perforated edges, and you can just tear off swatches until you get to your size. This is why I don’t buy pants and wrap a tablecloth around my bare legs.
  • Geography – Believe me, I’m with you public school teachers, when you lament that kids don’t know nothing ’bout geography. When you say “They don’t even know where Idaho is,” I shake my head in disgust right with you–but here’s the thing. I don’t know where Idaho is either. I know it’s in the United States and that it’s oddly shaped and potatoes are grown there. That’s all. Is it by Wyoming? Maybe.
  • Constitutional amendments – I don’t even know how many there are. I know it’s likely more than 19 because the 19th amendment gave women the right to vote as their husbands tell them. I know there’s that one about speech and guns and…um…the right to paraglide?
  • My real bra size – I can’t believe that the underwire is designed to cut into the skin. That can’t be right, right? I know I must have been sized up for a bra at some point, but I have no memory of it. I can tell you the number of Ralph Macchio posters I had on my wall when I likely went to get fitted for a bra. Forty-seven.
  • How to adjust the heat in the house – One shouldn’t need a Phd in heating, ventilation and air conditioning to turn the heat up, but when I press the up arrow to turn the heat up, nothing happens. And then I die from hypothermia
  • Spelling - I can spell some words–like I spelled all the words correctly in this sentence without the WordPress autocorrect. But there are lots and lots of words I cannot spell. Initilizie. Statisitic. Preemplotry. Buttpluggs. And the autocorrect didn’t even step up to help me.

I swear what I don’t know could fit 10 square miles of Idaho farmland if I knew what that looked like.

Here’s what I do know. I know the cute little kid from The Christmas Story, the one who stuck his tongue to a frozen pole, did porn. I know Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, is a scientologist.  And I know verbatim the exchange Judd Nelson has with himself in The Breakfast Club: What about you Dad? Flip you! (I watched the edited for TV version a lot)

I recently gained knowledge of this picture:

We are doomed.

When someone asks “Hey, what was that Gettysburg Address rap all about?” I will respond: “I don’t know, but I do know that one day in April 2012, Kayne West had his pants partly pulled down. And it was equally if not more important.”

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41 comments

  1. Utterly hilarious as usual. I can’t believe kanye is bearing his ass to that poor limo driver. As if he’s not underpaid enough. And my favorite exchange from billie jean “you’ve been shot. You’ve been shot…well its about time.”. And yes I did just make a period reference on ur blog. And how’d it go yesterday? Did u pick up a follower or two ? Email momma. Xo

    1. Here is what’s sad. I can visualize that scene in Billie Jean when Kingsley Shacklebolt has her first period and shorn-haired Helen Slater thinks she’s been shot. I can hear the dialogue in my head. But can I quote anything from Gandhi? Apart from “I hate Britain” and “I’m a little hungry”? No.

  2. I have a news app on my phone, it is CNN or USA today or something, I think I looked at it once. The IMDB app, however, gets used all the time. I figure there are enough people worrying about that important news stuff but I need to step up and be the guy that knows what movie the guy in the show we just saw used to be in. Great stuff! (btw, the new hire on Mad Men was in a movie called “the Perfect Man” with heather Locklear. You’re welcome.)

    1. I hate cells phones and don’t use one, but you may have now convinced me to get one just so I can have constant access to the IMDB database of essentiality.

  3. I am so glad Sweet Mother made a post about you! Every study break I’ve been taking has consisted of me reading random posts and annoying the crap out of the people around me (in the library) by my uncontrollable laughter! I mean seriously, I cannot remember the last time I’ve laughed this much!!! This. Was. Awesome.
    Thanks for bringing laughter back into my life during finals!

    1. I did that today. Someone was talking about not being able to write off his mileage on his tax return because of leprechaun voodoo or something I didn’t understand and I just nodded and made clucking noises of support.

  4. I can’t believe this. Yesterday, I was talking about exactly this (Not about you, though. Me). people are always saying to me, Oh you are so clever and so funny (and so short, but I ignore that). I tell them the truth is that I was given extra funny and clever brain cells because I have NO (meaning none/zilch/nothing) in the way of brain cells that everyone else on the planet has:
    1. I know NOTHING about science or technology (OK, almost nothing).
    2. I can not remember the names of the governor of my state (Virginia) or the senators or anyone else in public office except for the president, VP and maybe one other person like Hiliary Clinton.
    3. I do not know the names of any songs or who sang what. Seriously. Test me. I fail.
    4. I can do only one thing with a remote.
    5. I cannot play a video.
    I’ll stop now. Your post is hilarious and why are famous people assholes?

    1. Here’s something to show my massive intelligence. It wasn’t until I was a junior in college that I learned the correct name of that scene people set up around the Christmas tree, you know with baby jesus and mary and joseph–the nativity scene. Yeah, I thought it was called the “Activity Scene”. Not too shabby.

  5. I know there must be at least 21 Amendments to the Constitution b/c there was bar in D.C. in the 80′s called the 21st Amendment because that was the Amendment that ended Prohibition. I’m a constitutional scholar.

    Love yer blog! Thanks Sweet Mother!

  6. Speaker7, you are my hero. I think you could find gainful employment by setting up 12-step programs for folks who need to, at long last, admit these things.

    I’m with Boomer for most of her comments, too. Especially the music one. I do not know the names of any songs or who sang them either. And I love the fact that I can now drive into a tree while looking at my car radio and realizing that there was someone named Boz Scaggs who sang vaguely familiar songs.

    Oh and I work in science, which I don’t know much about either.

    (I unfollowed and refollowed to see if you will get back into my reader. That much technology I can handle!)

    1. If you gave me and a newborn baby a cell phone, the newborn baby would totally smoke me, and a newborn baby can’t even see…that is how useless I am with cell phones.

  7. I, too, have a PhD in Useless Information from the School of Life! My loved ones are amazed by my ability to quote 60s sitcom dialogue and recite random and precise data regarding the most obscure topics … while forgetting to zip my pants, wondering if I took my pills and getting lost on my way home from the office.

    GREAT POST!

    1. Thank you! And I am a wombat so that would have fit in perfectly.

      Okay…um…how do you operate a staple gun? I mean, I know…I’m asking for my. . .um.. . my friend, yeah my friend.

  8. Laughing out loud! I, too, can recite Judd’s monologue from The Breakfast Club. I have no idea who is the governor of any state besides mine, but I do know that I rock at Trivial Pursuit the Pop Culture edition. Love this post! :)

  9. I saw one of the female Supreme Court Justices at a restaurant once. But a.) I never would have recognized her (my friends ended up having to point at her rudely, because even once they told me she was there, I still couldn’t find her), 2.) I can no longer remember which one.

    I do know my bra size though. Well, sort of. It’s whatever the lady at the store brings me to try on.

  10. I’m with you on the Legend of Billie Jean, Baby Cakes and geography. But, I can tell you about the war of 1812. It is a Canadian thing to know about it, otherwise we would be American.

    1. You know Babycakes? Are you my best friend from college who watched it with me those 700 times? Can you tell me about the War of 1812 but replace the countries with the names of the characters from Babycakes so I can understand it?

  11. I suffer from this very brain disorder you speak of. Which you’ve probably gathered by now. It’s so bad that I will correct people about the exact stars who were in such and such movie and what they said at what scene and I haven’t even seen the movie. I just happened on the clips on a MTV promo show back in 1989. And I still remember those clips.

    I would estimate my laptop is four feet in front of me yet I can still reach my keyboard. That can’t be right? Up until two years ago I thought that Coney Island was a country. But yes of course I know the Christmas Story child star worked in porn. (And that the main star was in the old “Messy Marvin” Hershey’s syrup commercials…I know you knew this too.) All in all, I think we’re better off knowing this information and I will never go to Coney Island anyway.

    Sorry for the three volumes worth of comment. I just got all super “that’s me too!” happy over here.

    P.S. It is HOPPING around this joint! Not just comments but lots of love! It brings tears to my eyes.

    1. I did know that the main star was the old “Messy Marvin”. The main character also looks like the boy I was in love when I was 3. His name was Eddie Kotter and I would follow him around the playground, telling him I was in love with him and wanted to marry with him.

      I wipe a tear from my eye and wish that Nebraska was closer to where I live. Wait–is it? I don’t know where Nebraska is so maybe you do live an hour away. If that were true, can we have lunch or something?

  12. I’m following everyone over here from Sweet Mother. It seems to me that you have a full knowledge of the important things; geography, geometry, stuff like that can all be looked up readily enough. But things like popular culture, etc need IMMEDIATE retrieval from one’s memory banks during conversations, blogging, etc. So your priorities are well in order.

    That being said, Mr. Weebles and I do the “go fix me a turkey pot pie” thing all the time too!

    1. Thank you for stopping by and subscribing on today of all glorious days. I’m speaking, of courses, of the birth of Jessica Simpson’s bambino.

  13. Man, I’ve been out of it. Good post. Gotta go backwards to read your posts til I recognize. I call what you call being dumb my “knowledge deficits”. and I have many. We all choose what to spend our hard earned brain power on. I will spend it trying to figure out what’s holding up Kanye’s pants.

  14. Wow… between this post and the next one, I’d say that you are ON FIRE in a very creatively funny and delightfully sarcastic way! And even reading all the comments here has been very entertaining.

    But ME? Well, I could follow suit and write my own entertaining version of what I know and don’t know… But instead of doing that, since it’s already been so well done, I have only one thing to add:

    I never use WordPress Reader, but instead I struggle with my perpetually jam packed e-mail in box full of WP new post notifications. Which is why I’ve never missed ANY of your posts, and part of the reason why my ongoing e-mail struggle has been worth it.

    Kayne’s pants are not only beneath his arrogantly dumb ass, but beneath further comment…

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