Here Comes the Skeleton

It seems some women are a little obsessed with their wedding days.

Like this woman:

courtesy of the New York Times

She’s having a feeding tube inserted into her nose to maintain an 800-calorie-a-day diet. And she’s having a New York Times photographer take her picture while the procedure is being done signifying that she does not see this as batshit crazy.

Nosetube bride is not alone in her determination to drop weight before the wedding day. Other women use pills, colon cleanses, hormone injections or have their heads encased in cement to slim down so they can fit comfortably onto a gurney when they inevitably collapse into a coma on the dance floor.

Now normally I would be all like Girl please. Okay I would not be like that because I can’t pull it off. I sound way too awkward even when reading it silently in my head. I would be more like This is a bit extreme. Can’t you just buy a dress that already fits you? And then eat the food you likely spent a fortune on and just enjoy the goddamn day because it is just one day and your guests are going to be too drunk to give two squirts about the size of your butt? But I may soon be unemployed so instead I’m looking at this as a business opportunity.

And this leads me to my latest business venture:

Speaker7′s Guide to Pre-Wedding Shedding®

Attention brides!

Is this you?

Have you bought the perfect dress only it’s just a few sizes too small? Have you planned to slim down to a size you’ve never been solely to feel dizzy and irritable on the perfect of all perfect days?

Follow this guide and you will fit into this:

Actual size. Ken groom not included.

The great thing is this Pre-Wedding Shedding Program is not a one-size fits all, but is a one-size fits all program or isn’t! It’s that simple or difficult! Just choose the option that best fits your desire to emaciate yourself! All options just three low, low, low monthly payments of $19.99.

Option 1. Pre-Wedding Shedding Dietpalooza

Food is the scourge of the earth, amirite ladies. Yes, it may be necessary to sustain life (as far as I’m concerned the science is still out), but it also contains calories, which when consumed in large amounts leads to weight gain (source: my scale). The key is to eat less calories than you burn. Follow this simple diet plan and watch the pounds drop off:

Breakfast – water sandwich. Take a glass of water, put two slices of bread around it and drink. Repeat for lunch and dinner every day until the most perfect day of the most perfect month in the most perfect year.

Alternative option – We bury you up to your head in a sandbox, and give a group of toddlers the task of feeding you. Toddlers are notably unreliable and do not have the greatest fine motor skills so you will only ingest two or three cheerios a day. Cost: an additional $1,000 for sand cleanage.

2. Food-Aversion Slip ‘n Slide Therapy Ride

So maybe you’re one of these people who believes people should eat. Fair enough, but something needs to be done to tear your hand out of the bag of deep-fried Twinkie Ho-hos and into a glass of water infused with celery string. In our Food-Aversion Slip n’ Slide Therapy Ride, we take a page from Stanley Kubrik’s Clockwork Orange and show you gruesome images alongside pictures of your favorite foods.

Here is a sample:

All of the images feature Dr. Phil and Madame Puppet in various erotic poses.

Option 3: Pre-Death Organ Donationporium

Organs are great–don’t get me wrong–but they take up so much dern room, and some of them we don’t even need. Think of all the weight you would lose if we removed your stomach and replaced it with the plastic breadbasket from the Operation board game! Buzzer optional.

Option 4: Movies Come to Life But Not the Ones You Wish Would Come To Life Fun-funhoopla

Many packages to choose from. Our most popular include:

  • Silence of the Lambs underground dungeon theme complete with lotion basket
  • Hunger Games wilderness survival theme complete with group of career tributes bent on your destruction.
  • Saws 1 – 3,345 torture chamber theme; limb removal optional
  • Trapped in the Closet chapters 1 – 700 literally trapped in a closet theme while forced to listen to the Trapped in the Closet soundtrack. Disclaimer: we are not responsible for any descents into madness.

Order now!

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25 comments

  1. You have found it. Your path to riches AND stats. I am sure that there will be hoards of women who will, because of you, become human skeletons. And fashion models. And none of them will smile again except when they read your posts.

    I really can’t believe the lengths women will go to. Why not just have someone sew a different size label on the dress? It worked for me. I was a size 2 at my wedding and the dress still fits my big toe!

    1. I always wanted to be someone who inspired woman…granted it was to be more of the Elizabeth Cady Stanton variety of inspiration and less of the turn yourself into a skeleton variety of inspiration. But inspiring people is the point, yes?

  2. omg, this is SOOOO FUNNY. i’m actually sort of annoyed that it doesn’t have more likes and comments. i’m serious. it’s just one of the funniest things i’ve read on here. i mean, ‘nosetube bride’??!!!!!! even your pictures are funny, which i find so hard to do! i mean the dr. phil one and the bride who is bigger than her dress??!!!! jesus christ, i’m doing your reggie profile next, meaning this week. you’re so good. i don’t understand why more people aren’t reading you. have you been fp’d yet? because you should be. i’m assuming you have. and if you have, you should be again. god, this was funny. ‘and she’s letting the photographer take it bc she doesn’t realize it’s batshit crazy’. cooooooommmmeeee on, so good. just keep churning this shit out. i’m telling you, your flood of readers is coming. there’s no way people can stay away from something this good. me.

    1. This comment blew me away and not just because I’ve been eating ice cubes wrapped in iceberg lettuce leaves to fit into a pair of Barbie hot pants. You are your name. Thank you so much for the kind, kind, kind, kind words. Made my whole feckin’ year.

  3. i agree with elyse. this is your ticket to FAME and RICHES. the next level (bound to turn your a$$ – skinny or fat – into a megamillionaire) – make it into a reality tv show.

  4. I want this to be Freshly Pressed. And I want you to write a diet cookbook for these people. And I am predicting a huge upswing in feeding tube sales. And then I am predicting an expose about how people on feeding tubes are consuming WAY TOO MUCH and there will be Feeding Tube Diet Plans to pare down the calories from feed tube overfeeding.

    1. See all this shows is that you clearly are the entrepreneur that can take a small idea and make it fantastic one. I would never have thought of a Feeding Tube Diet Plan, that is beyond genius. If I’m ever going to parlay this Pre-Wedding Shedding into the huge conglomerate it needs to be, I need you as my CEO.

  5. Holy crap, I wish I was getting married again and needed to lose weight so I had the excuse to drink celery string water through my nose while watching Dr. Phil get down and dirty with Lady Elaine Fairchilde. This was amazing. I’m so in love with this post and with Lady Elaine Fairchilde. (I know that’s not really Lady Elaine Fairchilde but I can pretend, can’t I?)

    Still not in my blog reader. Damnit. Shannon of Dirt ‘N Kids (a new Speaker7 follower it seems) went to high school with the WordPress founder. Ask her to pass him a note in study hall.

    1. Maybe you could marry this blog post? I think that’s allowed in some states.

      Yeah I don’t know what’s up. I have two speaker7 dashboards for some reason. I posted in the defunct one and that showed up in my blog reader but with a message ‘Apologies, this page could not be found’ so I think I’m destined to never be found again unless I want to start all over as Speaker8.

  6. Thank goodness I am not getting married. I would have to make one of the toughest decisions of my life. Although, option 1 with the toddlers and the sand would also inadvertently include a body exfoliation that would have my skin (much smaller skin) glowing on the big day.

  7. I need to send Angie a thank you note for introducing me to you. Speaker7, this post is hilarious! And yet, it is sad at the same time. A feeding tube? I am so grateful I gave birth to boys – just boys.

  8. There is honesty nothing scarier than a woman planning a wedding. I know someone who would chew, and then spit out her food….instead of swallowing it…like a normal person.

    Forget that! He knew I had love handles before the big day, why mix it up? Maybe this is why I’ve never gotten any offers :(

  9. The question I have is: Who the fu*k does this lady think she’s fooling? Her husband is going to be like, “Well, I know she’s gonna be a hippo unless I fit her with a feeding tube every few months”. What? Just eat the fu*king sandwich!

    Great post!

    1. I think she’s started the latest fashion trend. Get ready to see Kim Kardashian sporting it when she gets ready for her second fairytale wedding to Kayne West.

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